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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL moan.......

41 replies

jerin · 19/07/2013 10:51

A bit of a long one....... I really need to raahhhhh about it as so fed up now.....

I'll try not to drip feed......

DPs eldest sister.... We used to be really close, 6, 7 years ago. Our children are 8 months apart. Best friends almost. Hours chatting on phone, always round each others, days out.......
My DP was out of work, her DP (now H) gave him some work but never paid him despite many promises.

My DP got a job, we continued as always, money still promised.

Fast forward a bit, we announce 2nd pregnancy. It all changed. A quick 2nd baby had always been mine and DPs plan, we made no secret of it. I know she wanted another but her DP had said no.
Very little contact over next few months, a quick visit when our DTs were born. They had several problems, lots of hospital admissions and we struggled lots having 3 children under 18 months. DPs other sister helped out loads. DP had recently been promoted and was on s probation period. He took loads of time off but just couldn't take more. He asked her for help once. She came to baby sit DS1 & DT1 whilst I was admitted with DT2. I got a call next morning, I had to discharge ourselves as she had to get home to make her DP lunch and take to him at work. I haven't, and will never ask anything of her again....
Fast forward again and SIL is now living in her mothers house. Mother abroad, owns house, no mortgage but debts on house. SILs rent should cover debts however she now refuses to pay. The rent should be paid to DP who then pays the debt. SIL claims she isn't working, claims her DH has had no work and that they are flat broke. (Facebook suggests otherwise, trips to London, days at the beach, meals out....)
We have no money leftover at the end of a good month, and now struggling to pay this debt too......
MIL is aware and trying to come over to sort situation out but family illness is preventing her leaving at the moment.

And now it's the school holidays and whilst their cousin will enjoy lots of lovely days out my poor 3 children will have nothing. We can't afford days out let alone a holiday. Our car just cost £500 to get thru it's MOT. Frugal threads offer no help as I already do most of it already.......
I'm working part time and doing as much overtime as I can.....not a lot up for grabs tho.

I hate her. I don't think I've ever hated anyone like I hate her. Why? Why do this to us? To her brother, her nieces and nephews? DP is fuming. He's hurt too that his much admired sister can treat us like this. This has been going on now for six months. We've had so many rows over it and almost split up........

Sorry for rant...... Feel better writing it down as have no one to tell in rl..........

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 19/07/2013 10:53

Why pay your Mil/sil's debt? Confused

It's not up to you, stop paying it. Let them sort it out - they're mother and daughter.

diddl · 19/07/2013 10:57

How has your partner got debts on his mother's house??

emuloc · 19/07/2013 10:57

What has it got to do with you. There is no need to get involvded (sp) with this.

SimplyRedHead · 19/07/2013 10:57

Why are you paying MIL's debt? If your SIL is allowed to say say she can't afford to pay, why can't you say the same.

Why are you, in affect, paying her rent?

Sorry if I've missed something but that sounds mad!

DontmindifIdo · 19/07/2013 10:58

Agreed, stop paying the debt if it's in MIL's name - make it clear she hsa to deal with her DD. Or if the debt is in your name, then make it clear to MIL that you will need to evict SIL - then rent out the house at standard market rates, or MIL can pay your DH directly the money, if she gets it via her DD, great, if not, then you still need that money.

But if BIL isn't working, can they claim housing benefit (assuming there's a proper rental contract)?

Mainly, step out of this mess if you can. SIL does'nt sound like someone you need to be in a position where you need her to do something, she won't do it. You can't rely on people like that.

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:59

If you're DP doesn't have his name to the debt he should stop paying it (although I imagine that's easier said than done)

She sounds like a nightmare.

SimplyRedHead · 19/07/2013 10:59

Cross posts there!

The more I think about it, the more I think you should just stop paying. It's nothing to do with you!

pictish · 19/07/2013 11:00

Stop paying the debt??

SimplyRedHead · 19/07/2013 11:02

Ask yourself this, if BIL and SIL were renting privately, would you be expected to pay their rent?

(I'll stop drip posting now!)

AndHarry · 19/07/2013 11:05

Stop paying the debt Confused Assuming it's not yours.

jerin · 19/07/2013 11:07

He's paying the debt out of loyalty to his mum. She is trying to get over to free up some money to get the mess sorted out. Month 1 rent SIL said would be late, then another excuse second month, then promised all 3rd month..... DP didn't want to cause worry to his already stressed mother but situation went on so he had to tell her. And now it's difficult for her to leave.

OP posts:
Morgause · 19/07/2013 11:08

Stop paying the debt. It's not your debt and not your problem let MiL and her daughter sort it out between them.

diddl · 19/07/2013 11:10

So he's decided to pay off a debt for his mum?

How was he doing this before SIL moved into the house?

Perhaps the mother should think about renting her house properly or selling.

SarahAndFuck · 19/07/2013 11:13

Stop paying the debts.

Your SIL will either step up and pay what she owes or your MIL will have to sort herself out and visit immediately to sort it out herself.

Give them all a deadline for when your want your money back.

YoniMitchell · 19/07/2013 11:21

If you're struggling for money then why on earth are you/your DP paying his mother's (or sister's) debts? They're showing him no loyalty if they're happy to let him struggle on their behalf.

KevinFoley · 19/07/2013 11:25

Agree with everyone else- stop paying the debt. They will have to sort it out. If SIL won't pay the rent then she will need to be evicted so your MIL can get in a tenant.

DontmindifIdo · 19/07/2013 11:27

stop paying the debt!!! And tell SIL this, explain carefully the debt is secured on the house, if she doesn't talk to her mother and help her pay the debt, the house will be repossessed from under SIL and she will be homeless. tell her to talk directly to her mother about it.

Step away. SIL is only taking the piss because she knows you will be the safety net. Make your DH put his DCs above his Sister.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 19/07/2013 11:30

You (where I say you I don't mean you alone, I refer to you as the couple. You and your husband. Jointly and equally) are making the choice to prioritise stopping his mum suffering for his sister failing to pay her way over your own family.

That's not something you have to do. You don't have to pay. It is a choice you are making.

You have to take responsibility for that choice and for the consequences you face of that choice.

Stop paying. It's not your debt and it's not your responsibility.

If your mother in law isn't getting the money, then she'll have an urgent need to sort it out, won't she?

Your sister in law and her husband are a pair of feckless, freeloading bastards, but you are choosing to help them to remain so.

Remove yourselves.

Whatever happens is not your fault.

It's not your job to save his mum from financial loss at the hands of her daughter at the expense of your own children. That's irresponsibility onyour part. It's her job to make her daughter pay or get her out.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/07/2013 11:52

Stop paying the debt!!

This is not your mess. By paying it your are enabling sil to freeload.

fuzzywuzzy · 19/07/2013 11:59

Stop paying the debt, if the house gets re-possessed the court proceedings will take long enough for you MIL to return to the UK (I'm assuming you're in the UK) to sort it out.

emuloc · 19/07/2013 12:01

Either stop paying or stop moaning about it. You are putting you Sil and her dc over your dc by paying imo.

Madamecastafiore · 19/07/2013 12:04

Stop moaning or stop paying. You are effectively allowing this situation to continue at the detriment of your family. Leave it to MIL to sort out as I bet the prospect of you guys not coughing up would get her shaking a leg quick smart.

NatashaBee · 19/07/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oscalito · 19/07/2013 12:06

Stop paying the debt. Your MIL just needs to call her bank and ask for a payment holiday. Say there's no money, sorry, end of story.

ENormaSnob · 19/07/2013 12:13

Wtf are you paying this debt?

This is not your problem, mil could rent to paying tenant.

You are prioritising this over your own dc needs. Nice Hmm