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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL moan.......

41 replies

jerin · 19/07/2013 10:51

A bit of a long one....... I really need to raahhhhh about it as so fed up now.....

I'll try not to drip feed......

DPs eldest sister.... We used to be really close, 6, 7 years ago. Our children are 8 months apart. Best friends almost. Hours chatting on phone, always round each others, days out.......
My DP was out of work, her DP (now H) gave him some work but never paid him despite many promises.

My DP got a job, we continued as always, money still promised.

Fast forward a bit, we announce 2nd pregnancy. It all changed. A quick 2nd baby had always been mine and DPs plan, we made no secret of it. I know she wanted another but her DP had said no.
Very little contact over next few months, a quick visit when our DTs were born. They had several problems, lots of hospital admissions and we struggled lots having 3 children under 18 months. DPs other sister helped out loads. DP had recently been promoted and was on s probation period. He took loads of time off but just couldn't take more. He asked her for help once. She came to baby sit DS1 & DT1 whilst I was admitted with DT2. I got a call next morning, I had to discharge ourselves as she had to get home to make her DP lunch and take to him at work. I haven't, and will never ask anything of her again....
Fast forward again and SIL is now living in her mothers house. Mother abroad, owns house, no mortgage but debts on house. SILs rent should cover debts however she now refuses to pay. The rent should be paid to DP who then pays the debt. SIL claims she isn't working, claims her DH has had no work and that they are flat broke. (Facebook suggests otherwise, trips to London, days at the beach, meals out....)
We have no money leftover at the end of a good month, and now struggling to pay this debt too......
MIL is aware and trying to come over to sort situation out but family illness is preventing her leaving at the moment.

And now it's the school holidays and whilst their cousin will enjoy lots of lovely days out my poor 3 children will have nothing. We can't afford days out let alone a holiday. Our car just cost £500 to get thru it's MOT. Frugal threads offer no help as I already do most of it already.......
I'm working part time and doing as much overtime as I can.....not a lot up for grabs tho.

I hate her. I don't think I've ever hated anyone like I hate her. Why? Why do this to us? To her brother, her nieces and nephews? DP is fuming. He's hurt too that his much admired sister can treat us like this. This has been going on now for six months. We've had so many rows over it and almost split up........

Sorry for rant...... Feel better writing it down as have no one to tell in rl..........

OP posts:

Mandy21 · 19/07/2013 12:13

I think its time for your DH to stand up for his (now) family i.e. you and your children. Yes, he obviously wants to be loyal to his mother and his sister, but he shouldn't be doing that when its obviously impacts so badly on your family.

I agree with ImtooHec - its a choice you're making. If you feel so agrrieved, stop paying.

Goldenhandshake · 19/07/2013 12:20

OP, you and your DP, are acting certifiably insane, why on earth would you put yourself in a position where you are flat broke, to pay someone else's debt?

Stop paying it immediately, and let MIL and SIL know that you expect the amount you ahve covered so far to be paid back ona monthly basis until you are no longer out of profit, your DP's loyalty should be first and foremost to you and his children, not his mother or sister. Harsh, but a necessary fact of life.

Goldenhandshake · 19/07/2013 12:21

*out of pocket

imademarion · 19/07/2013 12:29

Another one who cannot understand why this situation is continuing.

Nobody would think you unreasonable for refusing to get into debt for another's sake.

But I have the impression you have fallen out with her big time. You chose to have three children; she deals with what fate gave her. She's not obliged to help you out with childcare.

I think you're in danger of bringing a big pile of emotion and resentment to this situation. Say your piece then let your DH sort it out.

If he's not on the same page as you about this, then you do have a problem.

Hope you get it sorted, family shit is awful!

SimplyRedHead · 19/07/2013 12:30

Why is MIL not chasing SIL for the money.

(is it because she's getting it from you?)

whois · 19/07/2013 12:55

As everyome has said, stop paying the debt on behalf of MIL who will then be forced to either extract cash from SIL, pay up herself or get proper tenants in!

SimplyRedHead · 19/07/2013 12:57

DH to MIL:

'Hi mum, unfortunately me and Jerin can't afford to pay for your debts any more. You need to ask my sister to pay from now on, especially because she is living in your house. Your grandchildren are missing out on things because we can t afford them. We don't think it's right to pay for my sister's rent any more. Please take it up with her and leave us out of it'.

LookMaw · 19/07/2013 13:00

So your DH prioritises his 'loyalty' to his mum over the happiness of his kids. Nice.

One of you needs to grow a backbone and put an end to this, by making the grown adults in his family take responsibility for their own problems.

TalkativeJim · 19/07/2013 13:03

You need to tell yourselves - this problem is of your own making.

Yes - that's right.

I see what you mean. Your SIL is a cow. But the actual problem - that you have no money and are struggling, and your children are suffering - is because you are CHOOSING to pay a debt that's not yours.

You are wringing your hands that SIL would 'do this to you'. But YOU are actually 'doing it' - by paying.

Stop paying. Tell MIL that you simply can't pay because you don't have the money. Which you don't!

DamsonJam · 19/07/2013 13:08

OP - I can understand why you are angry with DP's family, but I'm guessing what really hurts is that, by paying your MILs debt, you see your DP as prioritising his birth family over his own family (i.e. you and your DCs) - and you're projecting this hurt and anger on to your SIL. It's understandable but it won't get you anywhere. You really need to sit down with DP, and let him know how his continuing to pay MIL's debt while you're struggling financially makes you feel, and ask him to honour his responsibilities to you and your DCs first and foremost. He created them so he owes them first in a sense. If that doesn't work, is there a friend (or even a counsellor) he could talk to so that he can get the perspective of someone objective which could help him see where his loyalties should lie? (BTW is your DP by any chance an eldest son in a culture where children have a strong sense of obligation to their parents?)

quoteunquote · 19/07/2013 13:08

It doesn't make sense OP,

Why are you paying debts against a house that is not yours,

If your MiL took out loans against her house(mortgage? or what kind of loan?) Why did she take out the loan? Was it for your husband?

And why does she need to come back to this country to release money?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/07/2013 13:32

Why are you paying this debt anyway? Did your mil ask you to?

Just tell her you can't afford it. You shouldn't be paying it. Why are you making yourself broke so your sil can live in the house rent free?

DontmindifIdo · 19/07/2013 13:46

this does sound like one of those cases where a lie (or falsehood if lie seems a little harsh) gets repeated in a family so often you just accept it without realising to an outsider it's complete bobbins. In most families, it's low importance stuff like "Mum is an amazing cook" and it's only until you get to meet a really good one you realise that actually she's not, you see hundreds on things like the X factor who have had it repeated to them that they are talented and they don't realise that actually they aren't.

anyway, your family have repeated to you that this is your responsiblity and SIL not paying is something she is doing to you, this is not true. Your SIL is not ripping you off, she's ripping her mum off. It's not your debt to pay, it's your MILs. You are chosing to pay it, you dont have to do that. MIL does have options, she doesn't have to let SIL live there, she could evict her and get properly paying tenants, or even sell the house from under her.

MIL is currently letting her DD live in her house for free, not paying her debt from her own income or savings, and allowing her DS to pay the debt meaning her DGC are going without in order. Just stop paying, I would put good money on MIL and SIL sorting it out without the house being repossessed.

DontmindifIdo · 19/07/2013 13:49

And yes, you are angry at the wrong people - you should be angry at your DP for paying his mums debts when he can't afford it, with MIL for creating this situation, but SIL is not doing anything to you - but to her mother.

Inertia · 19/07/2013 14:33

Stop paying the debt.

You have to put your own children first.

QueenofallIsee · 19/07/2013 14:41

At the risk of banging the same drum, STOP paying the debt for heavens sake. You SIL and MIL are the ones who should be sorting this out. I understand where an elderly Mum is concerned it is hard to just say 'no more' but I am sure she will understand that this is causing HER gc's hardship and cannot continue

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