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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a break? My husband thinks so...

32 replies

OnTheNingNangNong · 19/07/2013 10:44

I have two DS. My eldest is at school, my youngest is a toddler. The toddler is really demanding, full on, Tantrumming, screaming, hitting, biting, pinching, climbing nightmare.

I am trying to deal the best I can with it all, but I'm a SAHM. I am burnt out. I have only spent two occasions away from DS2 in his life. One was a hair appointment and once when I had day surgery.

I really want a break, I want my husband to take DS2 out so I can have some peace when DS1 is at school. I don't want it all the time, but once in a while would be really helpful.

My husband doesn't see why I want it. If we go out he wants us all to go. His idea of going out is taking DS2 into the garden for 5 minutes until he gets bored and comes yo find me.

I've had enough. I know my husband doesn't get a break as such, but I do take the children out when he wants stuff done so he can get on with it. He doesn't want to socialise outside of the house.

I had promised to take DS1 to the local large play park tomorrow, knowing that my husband will be off work this weekend. The first in a while. DH has now arranged for hisfather to come over and do some DIY. He knew I had plans- he could take DS2 while I ran aboit with DS1, who really needs some time on his own.

I feel really shitty and close to tears over it all. I just want time to myself in the day light.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ashoething · 19/07/2013 10:53

Yanbu-go out first thing tomorrow and leave both kids with your dh. Go for a coffee,a swim,a walk around the shops-anything that will give you a bit of peace for a few hours.

My dh used to be very much of the attitude that the weekend was "his" time after working hard all week and it was up to me to entertain the dcs. I put up with this attitude for far longer than I care to remember! Now we take turns with kids or go out as a family.

nextphase · 19/07/2013 10:56

No, YANBU.

We quite often split the kids on a Sat morning, and I do chores with one, while DH takes the other to the park / out on bike etc.

And then we also have mornings off - one of us gets a lie in i go back to bed after getting the kids up and having breakfast or DH stays in bed while I get the kids breakfast and then we go out of he house. Nothing special. DH favours going to pets at home or the garden centre, I tend to do park / feed the ducks etc.

I think you need to sort out a system where a sunday mornign (fro example) alternates between DH morning off and your morning off, and the other parent takes the kids out of the house. This can then progress to some time where the kids get to spend 1-1 time with each parent.

Is there any spare cash in the budget? Could you find a play-school / cresh to take toddler for a few hours once a week?

Flowers
TWinklyLittleStar · 19/07/2013 10:58

Your husband is being a bell end. Your own sanity notwithstanding, it would be good for your DS2 to spend some time on his own with his dad. He's depriving you of a rest and his son of quality time with his primary male role model. Arse.

chubbymomie2012 · 19/07/2013 11:03

ashoething how did you get your husband to change his mind? im watching this thread with interest. you could be me op xxx

Loa · 19/07/2013 11:04

YANBU.

Took OU day schools for me to get DH to do this - things I couldn't miss and the DC couldn't attend and were often with travel all day event. Then he found he enjoyed it and now quite frequently takes them all out - or some of them or actually looks after them in the house.

Wished I'd insisted sooner and I felt brunt out.

Before him looking after the DC -even if I was busy doing DC unfriendly stuff like house painting or I really ill - he'd say he was looking after them but in as little as 10 minutes I'd find myself actually doing the looking after and if I said anything getting my head bitten off.

AnythingNotEverything · 19/07/2013 11:05

It sounds like you need a bit of variety.

You're well within your rights to get some regular adult time. It's ok to both love your children and need time away from them. If anything, it makes you better!

And yes, I think your husband is being an arse. The children are not solely yours.

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 19/07/2013 11:28

I would be reminding your husband, that if you get divorced he will have no choice but to look after his children on his own.

Stand up for yourself - you NEED time for yourself. Go out first thing tomorrow and go by yourself. His Dad is coming over? Great, he'll have some help then.

EldritchCleavage · 19/07/2013 11:32

I am WOHM and DH is SAHD. I have the children to myself every Saturday until after lunch. DH desperately needs a break from childcare, I desperately need to see and bond with the children. Win win, although I am generally exhausted after a week at work. The kids and I go out, run errands, sit in a cafe.

It has been an invaluable insight into (i) my children; (ii) what hard work childcare on your own actually is; and (iii) what a fantastic job my DH actually does.

That's why it's a marriage-saver, because we understand and appreciate each other a lot more for giving one another space and sharing the load. I think I tell DH practically every Saturday how much I admire him for doing the childcare all week.

I get a lie-in on Sundays. And recently I went off to the cinema alone (Fast and Furious 7, yay!) just because I hadn't had any leisure time for months. It's a give and take thing, or should be.

I cannot believe your DH won't have the children for half a day to give you a chance for some down time. Tell him from me he's a lazy selfish cock. And shame on him for not wanting to do it.

I'm not sure I agree you should force the situation on him by going out early one Saturday or Sunday though. If you act unilaterally like that, and he starts doing the same, where will you as a family end up? Talk about it with him.

squeakytoy · 19/07/2013 11:35

Just because you are a SAHM doesnt mean you cant put your child into nursery a couple of mornings a week (or more).

Ashoething · 19/07/2013 12:19

The way I changed my dh's thinking was by just playing him at his own game tbh!

If he buggered off to the gym for 4 hours or sat playing his playstation then I would leave the dcs and go out myself-often without even telling him!

Or I would say don't make any plans for tomorrow as we are doing x,y,z as a family.

He does moan about it but I just ignore him. I put up with being a martyr for too long as I believed the shit he spouted about him working hard and me doing nothingHmm

cathpip · 19/07/2013 12:28

My dh is very similar, it came to a head when I lost it and screamed at him that he gets two days away from the office, and I only wanted 3 hours! He now regularly ( well every 6 weeks ) takes the kids out for the day so I can have some me time.

dreamingbohemian · 19/07/2013 12:38

YANBU at all. Your husband is being a selfish jerk really.

I think you should tell him either he can spend more time with his own son or you will find a nursery for him for a couple afternoons a week.

3 year olds are hard work. Just fyi we've started using the 1-2-3 magic book thing with our 3 yo DS and it's been a huge help.

formicadinosaur · 19/07/2013 12:39

In sure your DH has lunch breaks? Aren't you entitled to a break on your own? I do wonder if he avoiding taking responsibility for the kids. Has he ever had the kids?

Leave a note saying you are popping out for some time alone and will be back in three hours.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/07/2013 12:43

DH was a SAHD and I usually took over the children for one of the days on the W/E to give him a break. We also split the children between us to give both of them some individual attention. I also get a few hours to myself on the W/E as and when I want it.

Onesleeptillwembley · 19/07/2013 12:46

Yanbu at all. Seriously? Those are the only times? Your husband sounds really shit. You really need to put your foot down on his throat.

Raum · 19/07/2013 12:46

Your husband is a cock, I take my son to see my parents at least once every two will for at least half a day and regularly for an entire Sunday from 8am until bed time. Everyone needs a break especially SAHM and SAHDs .

Your husband sounds like he doesn't quite see the problem or is ignoring it do he gets more time for himself.

It's a partnership having kids, tell him to put the effort in, you should be able to enjoy a day off regularly to do whatever you want.

Raum · 19/07/2013 12:47

Weeks not will ffs! :-)

Mumsyblouse · 19/07/2013 12:47

My husband takes the children out either Sat or Sun for one time period most weekends so I can either work or have a sleep. Similarly, if he's tired, I mind them while he snores. I think it's very unhelpful of your DH not to offer to take just one of them, I would just go out Sat morning and leave him with both. You have become the default carer all the time and the only way to break this habit is to break it by actions.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/07/2013 12:58

YANBU

Fortunately DH has always wanted to spend time with ours and will happily take one or both out while I have a bit of time to myself.

I don't know how you persuade him.

EagleRiderDirk · 19/07/2013 15:28

YANBU at all

DC2 was and still is to some extent quite hard to deal with, and we both burned out with having him and only 20m older DC1. We reached a compromise that involved me occasionally getting a day of to go do something and he gets to go to the cinema (which he loves) every now and then. We are both a whole lot less stressed for it.

hermioneweasley · 19/07/2013 15:34

It's the classic MN rule-you both get equal leisure time. It isn't if he's at work all week that he gets the weekends off. Spoken as a Mum whoworks an average 60 hour week in my job.

AlwaysWashing · 19/07/2013 15:56

YANBU

Make a hair appointment, tell him you have it. Go get your hair done, then have a poorly around the shops and have a coffee.
Next weekend make an arrangement with a friend to go to the cinema or for lunch and make sure he knows and that you go.
2 or 3 hours is not too much to ask for and will do you the world of good - if he's difficult I'd tell him bollocks quite frankly.

AlwaysWashing · 19/07/2013 15:57

Pootle not poorly

Original poster
OnTheNingNangNong · 19/07/2013 19:16

Thank you for all the responses. I had felt IABU, but I know - and with what you've all said- I'm within my rights to have time to myself.

To those who've said about nurseries, I'd love to send DS2 to nursery but there isn't enough spare money at the moment to pay for it. Hopefully in 6 months I can find a reasonably priced space for him as he will be that bit older.

My husband's plans had changed when I got home from DS1s swim lessons and he got quite put out when I said I wasn't going to change my plans -for the dc - to suit him, so he now have Sunday to himself so i can have a day next weekend. He's not best pleased but tough. I have got to do something for myself. If the weather's nice I'll go to the beach. If not a cafe.

I'll have to take the initiative from now on. I should know better than to wait to be offered!

OP posts:
nextphase · 19/07/2013 20:47

Sounds like a great plan!
Just make sure you stick with it.

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