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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I say I mind DH Going and look/feel like a cunt!?

111 replies

dontgowadingin · 17/07/2013 23:01

Open to views, don't know if I'm bring selfish or he is...

We have a 9 week old baby and when I had her things went a bit tits up and ended up having emergency section and losing a lot of blood and had blood transfusion.

DH was promised two weeks of work so when I came home tried to rest. Was very tearful as there might have been issues with dc health (thankfully all is well ) and was really struggling breast feeding .

2 days in DH boss was on phone 'asking' him to come back, really important time ect... DH went back and I really struggled.

DH puts in long hours at work and his boss promises the earth but never really comes through with anything.

Now his boss wants to take him and two colleagues to Dubai as a thank u for his hard work.

I've seen my arse, but feel a bit cunty over it.

No trust issues what so ever, he is going away with friends and so am I next year.

I'm I just jelous or does he need to remember he has small angel here that needs him at the moment and me too!

If I'm not happy about it , he won't go.

OP posts:

Lazyjaney · 18/07/2013 07:35

Is his job a high pressure one, or with a small team or company where they don't have any replacements for him?

I know that to you the baby trumps everything, but dont lose sight of the importance of keeping family income secure.

Also, from a company p.o.v. the baby is not their problem, they want to see their employee being a productive part of the team etc etc - check with DP that it wouldn't be career limiting not to go.

IceAddict · 18/07/2013 07:38

No way, the boss should be thanking you for being so understanding when he took away your support the first time, not pinching him again.

IceAddict · 18/07/2013 07:39

Boss makes me think of one of dps male friends who 'needs' dp to be with him on the lash every time

spacegoat · 18/07/2013 07:46

Look, I recently told my dh he couldn't go on a works treat thing. It was one night but we'd had 6 weeks of working late, meals out with the team, working away.

He was just busy with work, but actually I did have remind him that he has a family at home who he needs to spend some time with. Work can take over a bit occasionally. And yes, I do get annoyed when he needs reminding but it isn't often.

My kids are teens. So no, yanbu.

His boss is either inconsiderate or an arse.

Thisisaeuphemism · 18/07/2013 07:53

So to apologize for taking dh away from the baby for work he now wants to take him away to Dubai?

That is weird. My dh would be furious. The boundaries are all off here.

Emilythornesbff · 18/07/2013 07:57

I have the rage on your behalf.
His boss is being an arse IMO (although somebody else put it better).
In your position I think I would say how you feel. Explain to dh that you would have hoped he'd want to Have the time at home with his new baby and his wife.
If he goes I would burn his clothes enjoy the time with your baby without having to look after your DH. They can get a bit needy and distract you from your true love.
Good luck.
Massive hugs.

Emilythornesbff · 18/07/2013 08:01

Or get a locksmith (DH's suggestion).

whois · 18/07/2013 08:06

I wouldn't be happy.

He should get his paternity leave and if his boss really wants to say 'thanks' he could let him have the Dubai days at home as well!

Emilythornesbff · 18/07/2013 08:08

Do you know what? He might just be thinking that this would be great if the timing were different. Maybe he just needs to think about what's best for him and his family. So he might not actually want to go now, but he might be feeling disappointed that he's missing out on an offer that he would otherwise jump at under different circumstances.
Is that possible?
Try to stay calm. It's ok to not want him to go.
His boss is clearly sending out the message that his employees are on his leash, and not their wives'

Jaynebxl · 18/07/2013 08:08

Hmm not sure the company can just conclude that the baby is not their problem when they got the dad to cut short his statutory paternity leave. I would definitely be insisting he takes the rest of it ASAP.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/07/2013 08:14

I think your DH should start looking for another job. And yes I know its not easy but his boss has been very unreasonable.

My DH didn't ever take any paternity leave but its his business so slightly different. However I know he would never stop any of his employees from taking their paternity leave.

How long is the trip to Dubai for? Is your DH worried it will do his career harm if he doesn't go?

Personally, if looking for another job isn't viable and your DH feels its important to his career then I'd tell him to go. Do you have family who could come and stay or could you go and stay with them?

Original poster

dontgowadingin · 18/07/2013 08:34

The firm is very small and DH is in charge of payroll and other key aspects of the job.

The trip is for 3 days but with travel that spans out across 5.

My DH has been there just a year now and between him and two others that DH took on they has grew the clients base to over a thousand and that's why this trip has been offered.

I spoke to him this morning and he seems fine about it but I don't want him to miss out on team bonding and talks of taking the company further with the other two and the boss and when they get back. They are being made directors soon so don't want it to interfere with that.

There was a post can't scroll back for some reason and it sort of mirrors how I feel.

He is a very hands on dad when he is not chained to his desk

OP posts:

Lazyjaney · 18/07/2013 08:43

^^
IMO it would be career limiting to not go.

Reading this thread, i think a lot of women here dont seem to grasp that the employee that is 9-5 only, never around other times, not a team player and always rushing home etc, is not Going to be on an upward track and will be the first in line for any redundancies.

A new baby at home is not seen as an acceptable reason for not pulling as much weight as their colleagues. That is the reality in most company cultures.

defineme · 18/07/2013 08:56

Why would anyone want to go to Dubai in July???

That aside, you're well now and so is your baby. You have a long life ahead of you together as a family. In the great scheme of things this amount of time isn't much.

Your dh's boss is an arse re paternity leave, but I think this is a different issue.

I'd say go because it's a work thing that could further his career and you'll be fine.

thebody · 18/07/2013 08:58

got to agree with Lazyjaney.

my dh is self employed and obviously loves us to bits but unfortunately work really is important or we would loose our house and living.

my job is and has always been secondary so I can take in the role of main cater to kids.

op you have had a tough time chik but now have a gorgeous baby and think you will both be fine. just meet both of your basic needs and don't do anything else if he does go away.

maybe his boss doesn't have children and until you do no one really understands.

if it were my dh I would say go as he could loose out on career moves/ bonding and to be frank your baby and you need a good wage earner more than anything.if you had 2 other children and a baby that would be different.

just because paternity leave is statutory doesn't mean it's sensible to take it, not in this economic climate.

op when my dd was badly injured last year dh took a few days off as we needed him. his partner covered him but he was back at work in 3 days as a big deal was just going through and as much as much as dd needed daddy for those first few days she needed a house and financial stability more in the long term.

SequinsOfEvents · 18/07/2013 09:01

I agree with above - Dubai in July / Aug = not good! I've just left it for our summer break and it's well into the 40s now plus it's Ramadan don't forget for another almost 3 weeks. So eating out etc is not allowed in many places (although hotels pretty ok behind curtains) which certainly takes the edge off the "what a treat" element to this trip.

Best thing (only good thing?) about Dubai now? The AIR CON!!!

Not a treat and certainly not when he should (could?) be allowed that time off at home with a new baby instead.

YANBU

SequinsOfEvents · 18/07/2013 09:09

I don't agree with LJ or thebody

I think most people are aware that never pulling your weight (underperformance) can be career limiting.

However, being "first out the door" ie on time to leave shouldn't be career limiting although i appreciate that in some companies it can be. We do that to ourselves though....we create, or perpetuate, the culture of the companies we are all a part of.

Anyway - the point here seems to be that the OP's DH does "pull his weight" and, as such, has been offered a treat. The Q is if he might be allowed to transfer this goodwill to a few days at home instead (unless work in Dubai is on the cards as well) without any issues - for his career long or short term.

In this case, the boss does seem a little "old school" so perhaps this will frowned upon. You won't know unless your DH asks I guess...

NUFC69 · 18/07/2013 09:10

I had my children many moons ago, but I do remember that my DH went away on a similar trip (to Teneriffe) when my DS was a few months old. Did I miss him - I suppose so, but I can't remember, to be honest. We've even had to come back from holidays early at times. No, it's not ideal, but we coped and it certainly didn't do his career any harm. (And there were lovely perks for me, too, through the years - including a wonderful trip to Los Angeles which we would never have been able to do at that time on our own!).

Cravingdairy · 18/07/2013 09:16

If everyone puts up with this crap it will never change. If your DH's boss respects him he will understand. If not - he needs to consider whether this is the future he wants. Does he want to be put on the spot like this regularly throughout your baby's childhood? My mum travelled a lot for discretionary reasons when I was small. I understand why now but I didn't enjoy it much at the time.

If your DH does a good job, and it sounds like he does, his boss will want to keep him, and turning down a jolly won't change that.

thebody · 18/07/2013 09:33

sequins, as you say it 'shouldn't be career limiting but in some companies it might be'

exactly that. as for looking for a new job? er recession anyone?

not sure if there's a difference here between private and public sector. my dh is self employed and I ran a business until last year, am a TA now and although the teachers work hard some of the sick time/ days off for appointments are laughable. if they weren't paid for their sick time they wouldn't be off half as much.

the op doesn't have a brood of children just one baby and she will obviously cope.

keeping your job is more important and the trip is only for a few days not weeks.

MrsMelons · 18/07/2013 09:43

I would not be that happy about DH going but I think I would have to bite my tongue and let him go. I have my mum around so I would have help which makes life easier.

Have you got any other DCs?

Original poster

dontgowadingin · 18/07/2013 09:44

I'm going to go with froubylou Lazyjaney andthebody even though the majority is saying no.

I'm gonna look at the bigger picture. Dh earns 3 times as much as me and I might not go back to work after my maternity so his wage will be the sole income, no credits ect, so for now its best he stays 'in the gang' as its in sales and very much ' you snooze you lose' culture.

cant even treat myself to a cake for consolation as im on SW to shift some of this blubber!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

dontgowadingin · 18/07/2013 09:46

and mrs melons!
I have got another dd but she is 18. I'll be fine

OP posts:

sleeplessbunny · 18/07/2013 09:52

your DH's boss sounds very controlling. He knows you have a newborn and still
a) expects your DH to give up pat leave
b) expects him to jet off to Dubai
Personally I wouldn't be that fussed about just the DUbai trip, assuming it's only a couple of days, but I would be concerned about the wider implications of this working relationship. It sounds your DH's boss feels he owns your DH's time. I would not be happy about that at all.
But ultimately it is up to your DH. How does he feel about the relationship? Is he able to stand up for himself when he really needs something?

sleeplessbunny · 18/07/2013 09:55

also, as mentioned upthread, BAD idea to go to dubai right now. Unless you actually want to melt. my dad lives there, best to visit around feb imo.

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