Do I say I mind DH Going and look/feel like a cunt!?

[dontgowadingin]

Open to views, don't know if I'm bring selfish or he is...

We have a 9 week old baby and when I had her things went a bit tits up and ended up having emergency section and losing a lot of blood and had blood transfusion.

DH was promised two weeks of work so when I came home tried to rest. Was very tearful as there might have been issues with dc health (thankfully all is well ) and was really struggling breast feeding .

2 days in DH boss was on phone 'asking' him to come back, really important time ect... DH went back and I really struggled.

DH puts in long hours at work and his boss promises the earth but never really comes through with anything.

Now his boss wants to take him and two colleagues to Dubai as a thank u for his hard work.

I've seen my arse, but feel a bit cunty over it.

No trust issues what so ever, he is going away with friends and so am I next year.

I'm I just jelous or does he need to remember he has small angel here that needs him at the moment and me too!

If I'm not happy about it , he won't go.

[dontgowadingin]

sleep DH is excited about work as its going in leaps and bounds and growing in this climate. DH team is fast paced and dynamic and he loves it.

DH is the only one in higher management with a child so I think it gets over looked now the fan fare has died down .

[Lazyjaney]

"I'm going to go with froubylou Lazyjaney andthebody even though the majority is saying no"

Good call - this "jolly" is not a jolly IMO, it's a test of commitment for potential directorship. Location is irrelevant, participation essential.

I think the majority here don't understand the requirements of high potential, high responsible roles. In theory companies shouldn't be like this, in reality they are and this is not the time ( young family, recession) to be finding a new job especially as this one is going well.

[pictish]

Fwiw OP I think it's probably the right thing to do.

But - be certain that you will be clawing that time back for yourself on another occasion. That way both of you get something out of it.

Good call.

[WilsonFrickett]

lazeylane that is absolute horseshit. Plenty of people understand the requirements of high potential, high responsible roles.

That doesn't mean the the requirements of said roles are in fact appropriate or necessary.

The guiding principle behind reward is that it should motivate the employee - it has to be the right reward for them, not the boss. In this case - well, we don't know, do we? Maybe op's husband has been bleating about lack of sleep and wishing aloud he could have a few nights off. In which case, the boss is offering the right reward.

On the other hand, the boss could be desperate for a trip away, want to put it through the company, and Dubai sounds all exotic and dick-swingy (and cheap. But that's because it's Ramadam and July) so in that case the reward suits the boss and he's being unreasonable.

Either way, I do agree the DH should probably go. But he needs to be thinking hard about his boundaries. And getting some of his paternity leave.

[spacegoat]

I agree you're probably right to let him go. You are also within your rights to remember it though.

Just don't become a matyr to his work. Sometimes that can take resolve on your part, but it will get easier as children get older.

[specialsubject]

Dubai? In July?

7 hours on a plane to a boiling hot place with nothing to do except shop and sit on a beach (For which it is too hot) in the middle of a religious festival which shuts everything down?

doesn't sound like a treat to me.

[Emilythornesbff]

I disagree about the point that women who say he shouldn't go don't understand the importance of overseas trips. My Dh used ti travel extensively in his previous job. When it's required, it's required. But that isn't the same as being at the beck and call of your boss to the detriment of your family. Being the monkey who jumps highest isn't necessarily the way to climb the highest. It certainly doesn't make you indispensable. Just more likely to be asked to jump next time.
Op. your dh should be able to make the call about whether he should go or not.
But you are not being unreasonable in wanting him to stay. This IS a jolly. Imho.
And totally agree with ppl about being the worst time of year. My family who live there are en route back to the uk for the summer. Mental hot.

[Emilythornesbff]

And congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby.

[MrsOakenshield]

the thing that I would want to make very clear at this point (because this is raising a red flag to me, and it seems to be the case with too many couples) is that when (if this is your plan) you return to work, he (and therefore his boss) must accept that childcare is split between parents and so, for example, if you LO got chickenpox and was at home for 2 weeks, it shouldn't be down to you to take all the time off work to look after him.

Persoanlly, I would be dead pissed off that at the ONE TIME in your life when you could reasonably expect your DH to be off work (when his DW has their baby) he is back at work and off on a jaunt. To me, that puts you and your DC definitely after work in the pecking order. At 9 weeks I was still finding everything such a struggle and I would have been in bits if this had happened to me.

Your DH's boss is a cunt, frankly, but I'm not rating your DH much better right now, tbh. Oh, and remember this, whilst you are on ML, doing all the childcare, you are facilitating his career.

[NobodyPutsTomArcherInTheCorner]

I'm torn on this. It sounds a one off and only two days etc.

But it's the wanting to go in the first place when he knows he's needed that hurts. I so sympathise. It puts the ball in your court to say yes or no to him having fun and that seems unfair.

My dh religiously opts to go away every year and has done so for years on a 4 day sports trip abroad leaving me with 3 dc holding the fort. It's caused no end of rows. And yet he still does it knowing how much it upsets me Sorry not much help there am I...? Just don't allow any feelings on this to fester on because it's a big bone of contention between us in our case and just gets dragged into other unrelated things.

[Mia4]

I think your DH needs to speak to his boss about taking the rest of his paternity leave that he is legally entitled to. A holiday doesn't make up for that, it's generous of his boss to thank his staff (and it seems like it's not just targeted at your DH and pulling you both apart because others are going to) but he obviously doesn't have a clue as to your situation and how cutting short the leave affected you both.

Whether he goes away or not, the missed leave needs to be addressed. If boss is feeling that 'generous' now the busy period is lulling then he should agree that your DH can take his paternity as soon as he gets back/instead of going.

YANBU to be upset but whether he goes or not depends on you and your DH, how this affects his job (whether he'll be networking in Dubai) and supporting your family. You nave to make it clear to your DH though just why you are upset and he needs to understand that you need more support and DH needs to get his paternity leave.

Tbh, if he goes and takes the leave after, I'd be tempted to book a spa weekend and leave him to it for a few days so he fully understands how hard it is. He gets a break, you get a break, sounds fairer.

[Owllady]

I think it can be very difficult to say no when you work for a smaller firm btdtgtt
I am sure it is not a reflection on what is he is like overall as a partner and a father


that said, i don't think it hurts for him to step up to his responsibilities at home and learn to say no more too

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

44 degrees and Ramadan not exactly the best time to be going.

Its a tricky one and I think you are right not to make too much of this as I think it may harm your DH's career.

[dontgowadingin]

MrsOakenshiel DH job is more important than mine and it pays for the majority of the bills. Dh regularly works 10-11 hours a day, where I would do no where near that. It would make no sense for us to share the child care is LO was ill, until he was home.

Looking after LO by my self is not an issue, she is angel and were very lucky to have such a pleasant baby, I think want stung the most was that he wanted to go as I could never leave her so soon, but it doesn't mean he is a shit father he is what every dad should be. Attentive and idolises her.

I've told him to go for it and I'm gonna have a chat with him about the owing paternity leave tonight. See if he can have it back,finish a lot earlier or have long weekends, would be nice as its over summer any way.

Thanks your support!

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I don't think it is career limiting to refuse to be used in this way,. They just want you to think it is.

I have to admit I'm not all that objective about this. My DH chose, of his own free will to forgo all that corporate bollocks until mine got older. His family comes first.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I underestand why you've decide to let him go.

I think you've also given permission for more advantage-taking from his boss.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

And great point about when the OP returns to work, MrsOakenshield.

[Helspopje]

jings.

my husband is hanging out to have half an hour at team drinks tomorrow but has decided that he will decide whether to go at the last minute after checking in with me that me and my 10/52 and just 3-yr-old haven't all melted in head (nursery was 30 degrees yday!)

he has been remarkably duff on the pat leave though - basically took the time to catch up with work and do impt documents. A trip to dubai for all of us in a few months would only barely make up for having been left on my tod with a todddler and a newborn.

[diddl]

Hope it all goes OK OP, & that he also gets his paternity leave-and no heatstroke in Dubai!!

[Belchica]

Hi OP, sounds like you have made your mind up. FWIW When I was 3 mths pregnant we were invited to a wedding in SA taking place 6 weeks after DS's due date. I declined but DP asked me if he could go. I said a combination of yes/I'll leave it up to you... not wanting to be the bad guy. As soon as DS was born, 1 wk late, I regretted it. DS's fourth and fifth week were dominated by me in tears dreading DP leaving us. We have no family close and our closest friends/nearest support were going to the wedding. It was midweek so couldn't ask people to take time out of work to help. The event was not as bad as the build up, but DP got some highly emotional emails from me in the middle of night!! I think DS picked up on my emotional state because as soon as DP left his sleeping got a lot worse....What I'm saying is, prepare yourself emotionally and try and stay calm...the upshot is that you can store up the points to be used for a veeeery long time. I am still getting mileage from 'yeah but you went to SA for 5 days when DS was 5 wks'...works a treat when I really want something.

[Lj8893]

sequins you say you don't agree with me but reading your post I don't see how you disagree with me? Or my partner rather as it was his thoughts on what he would do in that situation.

And my partner doesn't work 9-5, works very hard, always does extra overtime and has a very good and prospective career. Him taking the correct paternity leave wouldn't be detrimental in the slightest to his career.

[Lj8893]

Whoops just realised you meant LJ for lazy Jane!

[MrsOakenshield]

well, as long as your employer is fine with the whole 'DH's job is more important than mine', that's fine. Of course, it's highly unlikely that they would be, given that they'll be paying you a salary etc. Think on this - a day when both you and DH are at work. You have an important meeting (or similar). Nursery ring to say DC is sick. Who leaves work to go and pick DC up? You, because that's what's expected? But you have an important meeting that you've spent a long time preparing for, and your boss isn't going to be best pleased - but your boss just has to suck it up, right? Because 'DH's job is more important'?

Hmmmm.

[dontgowadingin]

Jamie as I said before DH earns a lot more than me and works a hell of a lot longer days it wouldn't make sense for DH to do the child care, plus I would want to nurse her. The thought of her going to child care upsets me so I might not go back. Things will be tight as we're not entitled to anything but it will be DH wages that get us through.

I don't see an all expensive paid trip to Dubai being taken for advantage tbh, just shit inconsiderate timing and a blatant disregard that he has a baby.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

OP

I was a SAHM for 10 years, my DH is the higher earner. I want to just warn you about the power imbalance that you might be allowing to arise, and the fact that the resentment you have now could be multiplied if this goes on. You are allowed to assert yourself.