To think some are so bloody mean about their parents?

[Tittypulumpcious]

Not all parents are amazing, but they are all human! I am not talking about those who abuse their kids in many ways. I mean the run of the mill 'normal' parent who does what they feel is the best for their kids bring them up they in turn become adults their parents get older and then they slate their parents for talking too much, repeating themselves, being particular about things the list goes on.

Maybe I am sensitive because my mum has been ill for almost 10 years and I have missed out on so many mother daughter things, she might be my mum but she's a person first with her own issues and foibles.

I saw a woman today laughing with her friends because her mum was on the phone clearly boring her so she put her phone on the table until she thought she might have finished.

I'm sure everyone has a reason for doing/saying whatever but my guess is when their parent is no longer here those things that irritated them might be some of the things they miss. Just pisses me off when I see someone disrespecting someone they say they love in this way.

Rant over!

juule
I agree. (unrealistic) expectations are at the root of a lot of happiness

I'm reminded daily of this.

good post, thanks

Why do people light an emotional fuse like this - then fuck off?

Both parents and children are on a spectrum of niceness if you ask me. Works both way.

But I take your point about that little things can irritate, but you miss the person when they are gone.

Worth remembering.

Yabu, having got a dh who has toxic parents of whom one beat him as a kid, treat him differently now an adult compared to his siblings, shout abuse and obscenities at my dc and ruin every celebration they can by being demanding and trying to take centre stage (be queen bee if you like) and then after going nc ruin the last chance the have seeing the gc by repeating said behaviour then no why should adults complain about people who quite simply only share blood. Some people are born to people who don't care a single knotch for that child, child or adult.

Some give their parents a hard time because quite simple their parents aren't worth the time or day.
You can't choose your parents, but it doesn't mean you have to be stuck with them forever just because their blood runs through their veins.

Chipping, I think they unleash more than they expected!
Or are busy.

*not

No I'm not being unreasonable! I clearly stated in my op I was not referring to those who have have been subjects of abuse of any kind.

I didn't have 'an ideal childhood' far from it but I have enough respect for my parents that if they do ever irritate I keep it to myself not tell all and sundry how dull they are just because they've told them the same story for the 4th time! Helps if people read not skim.

Do you know jule and zing it had taken me until recently to start to think my unhappiness wasn't 100% my fault. Now I see I had been right the first time as obviously I had unrealistic expectations. I guess it's a shame for my mum and I deserve all I got due to my unrealistic expectations.

Op i know where you are coming from. I lost my dad when i was 20 and my mum passed away 2 years ago. I know i was fortunate to have good parents and i miss them dearly. Neither of them had a chance to mmet my young baby. My mum was quite ill when my older dc were small but i always made sure she saw them weekly.
Hearing people moan about granparent who provide free childcare for giving pfb a biscuit or other trivial thing is upsetting.
Obv feel sad too for those with abusive parents.

Yes. You are being unreasonable.

As I said, I wasn't abused. That doesn't mean my mother was any good at being a mother. She doesn't have my respect because she doesn't deserve my respect.

Respect has to be earned. You don't automatically get it because your old or a parent or even run a country.

I do understand what you mean. Mine are fantastic, really, really lovely. However, my DPs mother is absolutely VILE to her, abusive and rude sometimes in public but mostly in private. My DP has been the "adult" in the relationship since her abusive father died when she was 13. Anyone that didn't know the background and saw my Mil acting as sweet and vulnerable as you like in front of others would have no idea what she was actually like in private. It has given me a totally different perspective on what some people's parents are actually like. Now, I try not to judge, you never know what has happened. Not every parent of an adult child is lovely just because they are old.

Exactly, Tee, my Dp's father was a hugely wealthy, powerful, well connected man in the country where she was brought up. He was also a Dr so everytime he beat the living daylights out of her he patched her up. Disgusting man. He was the life and soul of the party to everyone else.

'If the woman in question had a truly abusive mother why the hell does she call her or accept her calls.'

People who have grown up in 'normal' families have absolutely no idea whatsoever of what it's like to have grown up in an abusive family. And to a certain extent, that's fine - how could you have an idea of something that is so far removed from what your experience of family is. However, things are not black and white when it comes to relationships....

I'm quite sure that everyone outside my family would describe my parents as the most wonderful, loving, self-sacrificing people you could ask for. The truth is that their emotional abuse has left a legacy that has meant I have extreme difficulty trusting people, have had alcohol abuse problems and have seriously considered both self-harm and suicide. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and am still (through weekly psychotherapy) trying to find out who I am and what our relationship actually is. And yet I'm seeing them both next weekend. I'm simulataneously looking forward to it and absolutely dreading it. I felt emotionally on the floor all last weekend just thinking about seeing them and fully expect to feel the same for a few days after seeing them - it is like a traumatic event that needs preparation and recovery time. And yet it would be harder to not see them at all while they are visiting.

Abuse victims don't all behave in the same way, nor should they/we.

Trouble is, op, that your op is too general.
I think that in the example you mentioned, that particular parent obviously does go on and on and on.
And probably the DD has heard it all many times before.
And she didnt cut her mum off, just let her talk and talk and talk. Which maybe her mum needed to do.
And if I was with friends, I may have grinned, particularly with friends I know well, as they know her too.

I don't know... I think its a bit more complicated than that OP.

I have two parents who in the scheme of parenting were good, loving parents. They were certainly never abusive or neglectful in any recognised sense. They loved me and my sister. They made significant sacrifices for us and basically have always been there for us. Etc etc.

But in both cases particularly with my mum there were certain elements of their behaviour which have damaged me in certain ways and for which I have intermittently needed therapy for and which remain an issue for me now.

My mum is very loving in certain ways but is also extremely passive aggressive and totally phobic about being remotely honest about anything in life and, in desperate desire to avoid conflict or even mild disagreement has a desire to paper over things to the extent that it led to lying, both to herself and to her family.

She is totally incapable of having a straight, direct conversation about anything that really matters in life or how she feels about things, so she basically didn't give me any guidance on any of the most important things children need to know about (money, love and sex in particular, all of which she refused point blank to discuss.) She was so scared of dealing with her own feelings about these things that she refused to acknowledge her children's' desire to talk about them in their own lives.

Does this mean I don't forgive her and can't understand her motivations? no, of course not. Its very obvious she had significant unresolved issues from her own life. Does this mean I'm not allowed to occasionally feel resentful and to want to talk about this and sometimes complain about it? I don't see why....

I would never be deliberately disrespectful to her (either to her face or behind her back) or take advantage of her and I love her. But I do reserve the right to talk to people -- either in real life or on the internet (as long as its anonymous) about her parenting of me and how its affected me.

They gave you life, fed you and wiped your bum. No matter how bad they went on to be that should count for something IMO.

You see it all the time, people talking about their toxic parents, with zero sense that their own children may someday think the same of them

Well...

If you don't understand what it's like to have a toxic parent then thank your lucky stars and enjoy your happy, normal family.

Don't criticise other people for daring to talk about it.

chandellina, this so beyond the pale that......
No
Wait
Have my first ever

'They gave you life, fed you and wiped your bum'

Oh and they probably 'loved' you too - the great Get Out of Jail free card for all toxic/inadequate parents!

chandellina, you have no idea what you are talking about, that much is clear. So please take your rotten judgemental views somewhere else and indulge in your victim blaming with like minded folk. Or stick around and open your mind and you might learn a thing or two about how to empathise with people who have had different experiences to you.

I know my children won't. I love them unconditionally, and they love me unconditionally. Plus, my childhood left me with one simple ambition in life: to be the best mother I could possibly be. And, thanks to my beloved XPILs, I have achieved that. I may be many things, good and bad, but I know I'm a good parent, who does their very best for her children.

People who've had decent childhoods have no right, no right to judge those of us who haven't and have little, or no love/respect for our parents. You've not walked in our shoes, and you cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to grow up in a family that is, for you, devoid of love, time, attention. So treasure what you have, look back fondly on those times spent playing with your parents, when your parents sat and read to you, simply spent time with you, and remember that not all of us were as lucky as you.

Yeah cheers Mum, you let your husband batter me, you lied to me every single day, you kept my dad away from me, you told me you never wanted me, told me I was useless and messed up the only good thing I ever did when my son died, you slagged my husband and I off to my friend when we were in hospital with our dying daughter, you told me the fact 2 of my children were dead proved karma catches up on people because I was awful in my teenaged years, you made me shoplift sanitry towels because you were too busy buying cigarettes, you would be so nice when the police used to take me home the countless times I ran away then hit me and starve me the minute the police were gone, you allowed, hell encouraged, me to have boyfriends in their mid 20s when I was in my early teens..... the list is fucking endless.

But hey, you wiped my arse for a couple of years so all is forgiven.

MissyMoo So horrendous. I hope you're managing to process what happened and to live a good life for yourself.

chandelina my Mum doesn't love my I can assure you of that. She tells me often enough.

As for having no sense of what my children may come to think of me I have every sense. I live in fear every day of becoming like my mother I sometime cry myself to sleep at night when I feel I have not lived up to standards of a proper mother.

However I tell my DC I love them at least once a day, usually more often. I've never told them should never have been born and never will. I never touch alcohol so my children never have and never will have to apologise for my drunken behaviour, put me to bed or be the adult of the house before even hitting puberty. I praise them when they achieve something or put in effort rather than telling them they are too stupid or incompetent to bother trying. I never tell them they deserve to be bullied. I keep the house clean and stocked with food so they can invite friends back.

In my worst nightmare they will come to hate me but NEVER EVER will they view me as being the same as my Mum. No matter WTF you think.

:( missy

I am now Lotta thanks to MN who found my Dad after 28 years. Finding him has let me make sense of a lot of my childhood so I'm in a very fortunate position now.

Thank you