To think some are so bloody mean about their parents?

[Tittypulumpcious]

Not all parents are amazing, but they are all human! I am not talking about those who abuse their kids in many ways. I mean the run of the mill 'normal' parent who does what they feel is the best for their kids bring them up they in turn become adults their parents get older and then they slate their parents for talking too much, repeating themselves, being particular about things the list goes on.

Maybe I am sensitive because my mum has been ill for almost 10 years and I have missed out on so many mother daughter things, she might be my mum but she's a person first with her own issues and foibles.

I saw a woman today laughing with her friends because her mum was on the phone clearly boring her so she put her phone on the table until she thought she might have finished.

I'm sure everyone has a reason for doing/saying whatever but my guess is when their parent is no longer here those things that irritated them might be some of the things they miss. Just pisses me off when I see someone disrespecting someone they say they love in this way.

Rant over!

Stratters!!!!!

ThisReallyIsNotSPNopeNotAtAll Wed 17-Jul-13 19:05:41
"I dont see a problem with people complaining about parents. Parents also complain about children."

This is very, very true. Think of all the unthinking comments we make about our children here on MN, some of which would probably hurt them deeply. And we never know that they won't die before us. Or that they won't be terribly cut up when we die. Doesn't stop MNers from going on at great length about how boring and irritating their children are.

You can love someone and find them annoying.

Really have you never moaned at your oh for something stupid although you still love him.

Never adored a friend but rolled your eyes when they start going on about some minor tale of woe?

You will make yourself miserable if you spend your life looking at what others have and getting irritated because they don't appreciated it.

Every family dynamic is different and what you take to be a needless insult is, quite possibly, a reation to something deeper that you aren't privvy to.

I disagree, my own mother has no respect for me and takes great pleasure in trying to make me miserable. I may sometimes sound mean when talking about her but it's nothing compared to the things she has said and done to me. My father has passed away so I know what it feels like to miss out on having a parent around and I see where you're coming from, but every situation and parental dynamic is different, yabu.

Some of my parents choices had a massive negative impact on me.

I will never paste over those cracks, or flower the truth.

However, I aslo acknowledge that they did what was best for the whole family at the time and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Oh my folks absolutely do my head in at times, my mum in particular can with one word, bring out the unreasonable bitch in me, she has a gift for it.

But through all that, I know they are human, they didn't always 'get' me, but they've always always loved me, they've always done what they thought was best, and they never started down a path they knew would hurt either me or my siblings.

YANBU op.

Those who've had nothing but shit ANBU either, so I think it's a case of live and let live.

I think I've experienced a broad spectrum of parental relationships within my complicated family. My mother has a complex range of issues, some of which concern me. She's said some blooming hurtful things, usually she's just got no empathy for anyone else and blurts out something inconsiderate and inappropriate. I keep contact with her low for my well being. Sometimes I question the way I act with her but always come back to the fact that I have good relationships with the rest of the family, and hers are poor. I think that's more telling about her than me.

Fortunately I have postive parental relations with the grandparents who raised me as a daughter. I know what it's like to miss a parent as my "dad" died when I was a child. The fear of losing a parent can't make me fabricate something that isn't. If something happened to my mother, I would acknowledge and miss the positive things she has done for me, and lament that things weren't better.

She's not a terrible or abusive person. I understand why she is like she is. I'm just not very good at putting up with her and sometimes a good rant is needed to preserve my own sanity.

my mum is like chocolate - I love both, but too much of either makes me feel sick and gives me a headache.

I think you should count yourself lucky for the relationship you had.

I don't have the relationship I wanted. I agree that my parents are human. I can forgive their lack of interest. I will not jump into a dutiful dd role or endure their Disney version of childhood events. The foundation of our relationship was built by them in my childhood. I am responsible for how I engage with them as an adult and I can't forget. They have taught me how not to be a parent and I can honestly day I am doing my best. They cannot IMO.

That said, I am direct. I would not take a long chatty phone call when socializing. If if isn't convenient to chat, I say so; I wouldn't roll my eyes or put the phone on the table.

You are fortunate in your relationship. You have no idea what the situation with others cannot judge. You can judge bad manners and passive aggressive behavior.

You can take the piss out of them in a bantering way. I do it with my folks and I'm under no illusions that they don't do the same with me. In fact, we also do it to each other's faces!

One of my parents has a life long mental illness and the other has had physical health problems for much of their life. I didn't have the happiest of childhood, but they were just trying to do their best. They are both intelligent, educated individuals who encouraged me to read, learn and be creative.

I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with your parents. You see a snapshot of someone on the phone to their mother, but that doesn't really tell you anything. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents for whatever reason.

Also, why is there so much whinging here about GP's helping care for their GC? It's not 'free childcare', it's a family helping each other out. It smacks of jealousy to me. My parents don't help with our children, but if we lived closer I'm sure they would. The fact that we don't have that help doesn't send me into a frenzy of jealous rage!

I love my parents very much. But there are certain things that drive me crazy. I don't need to know what each member of the bowls club said before and after their turn, nor details of exactly how many lengths they did at swimming and why. Rolling my eyes while on the phone is my way of getting rid of the frustration without taking it out on the parents.

Mostly on here people are venting. Often venting so they won't blow up in rl causing hurt. Sometimes they're looking for a solution that they can ease the situation. That's because they love their parents, not because they hate them.

If you find that sort of thread hard, don't read it. People can't be expected to think "oh someone on here doesn't have a mum/dad/uncle/car/own house... so I can't vent.

Personally my older dc have no cousins their own age, dd1 is nearly 6 years older than her oldest cousin. I feel very jealous when I hear of people going out with a train of cousins playing together, all of similar ages and great friends. I would never expect someone to feel that they couldn't complain about a situation which had arisen with cousins because of me.

I spoke to my mother yesterday and she thought I was my three year old son. Even after I pointed out I wasn't.

Aw isn't that sad.

Well no, it's what happens when you abuse prescription drugs, codeine and alcohol for years, then go on to emotionally abuse your children. They stop caring and hang up, knowing you won't remember it anyway.

My Mum passed away quiet a few years ago, and I miss her terribly and would give anything to have her back. It did used to grate on me when friends moaned about their mothers, but I came to realise that not everyone has a good relationship with their mothers. It made me more thankful for every minute I had shared with her.

As for my father, he has burned nearly every bridge in our relationship. In fact my friend has told me I should cut all ties with him, based on how my father has treated me since my mum died. He gives me no emotional support, he hasn't seen me in over 18 months. I get an email once a month where he brags about how much time (and money) he is spending with his girlfriends children and grandchildren. Yet he has only met my DS 3 times in his whole life.It hurts and it feels like he is rubbing salt in to the wounds.
He lied and cheated his own children out of our inheritance which my mum had left us. He didn't need the money (we are struggling) but took it out of greed.
He was violent with my mum for many years.
My Granddad (my dads father) has stopped all contact with him due to the emotional neglect and abuse he suffered when living with his son.
So yes I do moan about my dad a lot. I am lucky I have my Granddad to turn to and I don't moan about him ever.

I think because I am older it is an almost unheard of thing to disrespect your Mother.I would never have spoken to or even judged my Mother as my daughter speaks to me.We do have a much healthier and more open relationship and I love her ability to think for herself.

I still am very uncomfortable about questioning anything my Mother did,though.Luckily ,with the years come understanding and acceptance and peace.

I love my mother, we are very close. I do however roll my eyes and do the "yes mum, no mum" routine sometimes when on the phone when she goes off on one about why I'm still bf dd (not quite 6 months) and that I need to lose some weight and tart myself up a bit so I can get a new man (separated from husband about 2 months ago, we may get back together)
It doesn't mean I'm nasty to her or that I love her any less, its just a mum thing that she does that I put up with because I can't be arsed arguing, so listen, nod, smile and do it my way.

YABU because you've no idea what that woman's mum is like. She could be awful.

I have no respect for my Mum (I realise you'll think me mean). For as long as I can remember she has told me I ruined her life by being born, regularly tells me I can't or won't be able to do whatever it is that day that she deems me incapable of. I often ignore her on the phone, she can call up to 56 times on one day 75% of the time she's so drunk she's incoherent. She rarely remembers anyway. From the age of 10 I dealt with all appointments and official stuff because if my Dad wasn't there I was the only one capable of remaining sober. I sometimes laugh if she calls when I'm in public eg supermarket. It's not because I find her funny but due to sheer embarrassment

Well I think putting the phone down on the table while she is still talking and making a joke of it to your friends is unbeleivably disrespectful. If you don't want to talk to her tell her you are busy and you'll ring back later. Either do or don't speak to her, but don't mock for a cheap laugh.

If the woman in question had a truly abusive mother why the hell does she call her or accept her calls.

Most of us have parents who we find tedious or irritating at times. I don't feel the need to mock them to my friends. I might well have a rant to let off steam, but that isn't the same.

Cutting someone off isn't actually that easy even when to someone on the outside it's the easiest thing to do. There's the pressure that they are your parent, the fact the leave you with zero self confidence. Look how many people on this thread have said you shouldn't question your mum or must respect her.

In my case I have to answer the phone or she keeps ringing. If I still don't I end up dealing with the police when she calls to say she's killing herself. So answering the phone actually minimises my guilt and humiliation.

Btw I'm not the woman described in the OP. Another legacy my mum has left me is the inability to have friends.

Ormirian has said it perfectly!!

Respect is a two way thing.

My parents have been dead for years. I will always miss them.

But I'm not going to project my pretty wonderful experience of my parents onto someone else who might have utterly awful parents.

Am excluding anything approaching abusive/toxic/narc parenting, because the OP specifically ruled it out of her comment.
So, having made that clear ...the remaining mothers will always irritate at some point. Its in the contract!! Just in the same way that teenagers can drive you crackers and push some limits, and we deal with it because we love them. That is the point, however, when it becomes a 2-way street and we start to irritate them!

None of us are perfect. Real family love (excepting the aforementioned narcs/toxics etc) is not about being faultless, or blind to faults, but all about loving people despite their faults.
Can any one of us put our hands up and say we have never been irritated by our parent? not once?
Equally, we have to accept that if we are not annoying our kids over some issues today ....then we certainly will have done by the time they hit 30!

Its about give and take.
(and talking issues through before irritation becomes destructive)

My mum has always been a drinker. In many ways she failed me as a parent. If i'm honest I actually don't have much respect for her. I feel sorry for what she's had to go through in her life but still..

I've put the phone down on her many times. One time I owed her some money, i'd just crashed my car and as a result lost my job due to no transport. She said I'd better fucking get that money to her no matter what, even if I had to sell my body for it.

Nice eh?

YABU.

For all the OP knows the woman's mum could have been abusive so she can't judge properly.

YABU. I had a lovely father, who is no longer alive, but not everyone's relationship with their parent is like that. You can't possibly know what the mother who was on the other side of the phone is like or how she has treated her daughter in the past, for her daughter to be so disrespectful.

"Being a parent does not automatically make you brilliant."

Exactly. But sometimes it seems their children expect brilliance.
Parents are human too, you know