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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have sex

63 replies

AlisonL1981 · 17/07/2013 05:01

I have birth 4 months ago.
Ds was 7 weeks early.

My dad passed away 2 months ago.

I left my job, home, friends and family to moved 400 miles to live with dp 5 months ago.

Since having ds I have not wanted to have sex. Dp tried every day and I give in about once or twice a week. I'm constantly worrying when he's at home that he'll want to and I'm running out of excuses and things to do to get out of it.

I feel sorry for dp, I don't feel very close to him anymore. I don't want him touching me at all really.

Am I normal?

OP posts:
TWinklyLittleStar · 17/07/2013 05:44

Its more than normal to not feel sexy with any of that going on, never mind all of it.

Its not normal to pressurise your stressed, exhausted wife into sex against her will on a regular basis. Is he always a complete cunt?

Buzzardbird · 17/07/2013 06:27

Just being in mourning alone, without all the other factors was enough to put me off sex for a while. I am sorry for your loss Op. Thanks Tell him to leave you the fuck alone until you are ready or you will go home. You are going through so many things, he will just have to 'improvise' for a while and learn some empathy.

TWinklyLittleStar · 17/07/2013 06:30

Btw you have it all wrong. You don't need to give a reason to not have sex. Your husband should make you feel relaxed and desirable enough to want it.

What happens when you do have sex, out of curiosity? Because there is a word for having sex with someone who doesn't consent.

StuntGirl · 17/07/2013 06:36

What? I know a lots happened and your head is probably all over the place but you do know you can say no, right? And if he pesters further you can tell him to fuck off?

Montybojangles · 17/07/2013 06:51

I think you need to have a good talk with him. Tell him how you are feeling and why. Explain all the things that are affecting you right now. Tell him you love him, but that he is actually adding to your stress by pushing for sex right now. Some men are quite good at reading our moods, others need it spelling out. You certainly don't have to "give in" to his constant hassling. Once you have said not tonight thanks that is the end of it.

Are you going out to any support/mum and baby groups? I think you need to find people nearby so you don't feel so isolated.

And its perfectly normal to not feel like sex after a baby, or a close bereavement, or the stress of giving up a job, moving etc. It might also be a sign of depression, do you think you could be a bit depressed?

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 07:10

Sorry, so you're going through all that and he has the cheek to pressurize you into sex!? Hmm

Anyone with half a brain/heart will know there's a chance you'd not be in the mood (understandably so) and wouldn't try it on/would leave the ball in your court!

You know you can just say 'no' and list the reasons you have here. You haven't got to have sex with him just because he tries it on...though I'd be having 'words' with him about that.

Sorry for you loss Thanks and congratulations on your new-ish arrival Smile

CityTiliDie · 17/07/2013 07:15

What an insensitive bastard!!

He should be supporting you, holding you, looking after you not pestering you for sex like a hormonal teenager.

Sleep with a big knife under your pillow, murmering the words 'Lorena Bobbitt is my hero' while you sleep. He should leave you alone fairly quickly.

You deserve so much better than this.

Stop 'giving in' and ban sex for a month at least. If he cant manage then he needs help. He has no respect for you what so ever.

Pozzled · 17/07/2013 07:26

Your behaviour and feelings are absolutely normal. Your husband is behaving like a complete cunt. You should not need to be giving excuses, any reasonable, caring man would understand that you're having a tough time right now, and need space, consideration and a huge amount of quiet support.

I would tell him straight, just once- 'I am NOT up for sex at the moment, do NOT ask me- the answer will be no. I will let you know in my own time when I feel ready.' Then if he asks or puts pressure on again, I would seriously consider leaving- at least temporarily.

grobagsforever · 17/07/2013 07:27

He is behaving very badly. What happens when you say no? Does the nasty little man child sulk? Sorry OP but am fuming on your behalf. Is he supportive otherwise? Has he always been this selfish?

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 07:28

^ if he does sulk then you need him to either stop or bugger off so you can mourn/enjoy your baby in peace. Sulking is still a form of pressure and should not be tolerated IMO. Sorry you're having to deal with this on top op but it's quite simple really. No means no means no.

QueenofLouisiana · 17/07/2013 07:36

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. After I had DS I gritted my teeth to have sex once before my 6 week check and didn't bother again for quite some time! And that was without all the other things you are dealing with.

A new baby take oodles of time, energy and affection. Grieving takes time and energy. You have had a double whammy in a short space of time.

Are you able to get out and about a bit- someone suggest mum and baby type groups. They may help you to meet people and that may help you feel that there is more balance in your life.

grobagsforever · 17/07/2013 07:46

Monty, please don't diagnose depression over the internet, its perfectly normal not to want sex 4 months after giving birth, never mind the bereavement! Does not mean OP is depressed!

Original poster
AlisonL1981 · 17/07/2013 07:52

Thanks ladies. He doesn't force me. He says he wants me to feel good and can't understand why it doesn't.

City, I smiled at your post Smile

He is supportive or at least tries to be. He's never really been very good with emotions. He'll help around the house. Come home after a 12 hour shift and make dinner after I've been at home all day. He tries to comfort me but I push him away. I find it hard to talk to him and open up.

The hospital where I has ds referred me to a counsellor who I met with 3 times. She thinks in fine. She suggested parent and baby groups for the loneliness. I'm not a group sort of person though. I'm ok in a group I know and was an assistant store manager up until 5 months ago but I hate new groups.

I'm guessing time will tell whether my sex drive will return then

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 17/07/2013 07:55

You sound in a right pickle. Could you have PND?
I'd ask my GP about it TBH.
Very best of luck.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 07:59

Just don't even worry about your sex drive right now! You've got more than enough on your plate and nothing makes you feel less like having sex than worrying about it.

When you say doesn't understand do you mean doesn't understand why you aren't that into it during the act?

Original poster
AlisonL1981 · 17/07/2013 08:05

Orchard keeper, he doesn't understand why it doesnt feel good anymore. He wants to pleasure me but doesn't get if I'm not into it, it won't work. If you get what I mean.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 08:15

I get what you mean Smile

If i'm too worried about something then I can't get fully into sex, no matter what DP's trying to make it 'work' so I just say no now to save those awkward few minutes and then having to stop! I don't think I'd even be able to get past foreplay if my mother had recently died. Just tell him what you've said here and he'll understand. Or he should Smile

Fairylea · 17/07/2013 08:23

It took about a year after a traumatic birth with dd ten years ago to even consider having sex again. Literally couldn't care if I ever had sex again.

We now have ds 13 months..so it does return! But it's perfectly normal in any relationship to have droughts of no sex when there are other stresses.

I think your dp is being unreasonable. 4 months after a birth and a stressful time is no time at all.

purplemurple1 · 17/07/2013 08:37

Could you talk to him about having cuddles, reassurance, kissing etc but with sex off the cards so you can get use to being close to each other again without the worry that he is expecting it to lead somewhere?

Really think you should try and get out to some sort of mother and baby group, as well though.

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/07/2013 08:46

OP for some reason that sent a shiver down my spine. Surely if he wants it to be nice for you he should get that waiting until you want it would be nice for you? Not pressure and you feeling like you have to give in? :(

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/07/2013 08:50

As in, sorry, not in a good way if that wasn't clear.

Bad enough when men are all "My cock will fall off if you don't suck it once a week" but for some reason the "I just want it to be nice for you" coupled with enough constant pressure that you "give in" twice a week is just awful. Really creepy, and I can't put my finger on why.

HotCrossPun · 17/07/2013 08:55

OP he is completely disregarding your feelings.

To pester you for sex every day is unacceptable. The fact that he cooks you dinner at night is irrelevant.

Sex is something you do when you want to do it. It's as simple as that. Given all that you are going through at the moment, it's not surprising that it isn't high up on your list of priorities.

HotCrossPun · 17/07/2013 08:57

I felt that too Yoni

His arse-like actions coupled with that creepy phrase is a bit off.

karinmaria · 17/07/2013 09:01

Echoing other posters - he really shouldn't be pressuring you into having sex and making you feel like you need to make excuses.

For reassurance, how you're feeling is perfectly normal. I have a 4 month old and my mum passed away when I was 7 months pregnant in January. My DH and I have had sex once since I gave birth, mainly because I wanted to see if it would hurt or feel different (I had an episiotomy).

This is where the difference lies. My DH has mentioned a few times how much he'd like to resume regular sex but totally understands my mind and heart are just not in it right now. Instead he's concentrating efforts on bring a good dad, taking some of the pressure off me in terms of baby and house care, listening to and comforting me about my mum and helping me feel better about my post baby body. He knows sex will follow and is of the opinion that a several month hiatus is nothing in a long and happy marriage.

You need to talk to your DH about how you're feeling and get him to stop pestering you for sex in the guise of wanting to give you pleasure. You need love, cuddles and reassurance.

TalkativeJim · 17/07/2013 09:04

Sorry but he is being an absolute shit.

He doesn't want to pleasure you, he wants sex himself. It isn't rocket science to work out that the best way to make someone who doesn't feel like sex feel good is to -err - take the pressure off and let them not have sex if they don't want to.

Don't let him hide behind 'ooh he's just not good with emotions'. No, sorry. He knows you don't want to have sex. He's trying to find a way for him to get sex but dress it up as concern or help. Disgusting really, because this is one area where the MOST important thing of all is RESPECT. He isn't respecting your feelings on what you do with your own body. It is not far from assault. It is utterly creepy and nasty.

Cut the crap. Sit down and tell him straight -

' I don't want sex right now. If you want to make me feel good, respect that. Don't pressurise me. Don't try and persuade, it makes my flesh crawl and makes you creepy and predatory. Creepy and predatory isn't sexy. Know that when you nag and creep until I give in, you are having sex with someone who DOESN'T WANT TO. Think what territory that takes you into. And finally - how I feel right now is temporary, but the damage you are doing to our sex life with your pushy attitude could be permanent.

I don't want sex right now. That's my decision. Stop forcing the issue.'