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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have sex

63 replies

AlisonL1981 · 17/07/2013 05:01

I have birth 4 months ago.
Ds was 7 weeks early.

My dad passed away 2 months ago.

I left my job, home, friends and family to moved 400 miles to live with dp 5 months ago.

Since having ds I have not wanted to have sex. Dp tried every day and I give in about once or twice a week. I'm constantly worrying when he's at home that he'll want to and I'm running out of excuses and things to do to get out of it.

I feel sorry for dp, I don't feel very close to him anymore. I don't want him touching me at all really.

Am I normal?

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 17/07/2013 12:35

Well said Dahlen
There are some heartless, unfeeling men out there, but I believe they are in a minority.

HotCrossPun · 17/07/2013 12:43

He wasn't being provocative to make his point - it's his opinion itself that is provocative.

Men obviously don't see woman as purely someone to have sex with, otherwise the majority of people wouldn't have healthy functioning relationships.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable not to want to have sex and the moment. She explained her circumstances.

Nobody is suggesting that never having sex with your partner is the basis for a good relationship. But in the situation the OP is in right now she is entirely reasonable not to want to have sex.

Lazyjaney · 17/07/2013 13:13

Short-term within a few months of a baby being born is perfectly normal. Anyone who thinks a man's right to sex trumps a woman's right to physically and mentally heal is a fool

As a matter of interest, when do people think short term starts to be long term? 4 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years?

PrincessScrumpy · 17/07/2013 13:18

Took me 10 months after traumatic birth, second time round I had cs and was ready and keen at 6 Weeks. Every birth and woman is different. You are normal but need to communicate to dh - they often feel pushed away and you've been through a lot, he might just want that closeness. Naked cuddling knowing sex isn't on the cards is lovely, but be very honest - it will come back :)

loopylou6 · 17/07/2013 13:39

Do you still love him op? Is it just sex that you don't want, or is it him do you think?

Dahlen · 17/07/2013 14:08

After a baby I'd say anything less than 6 months is short-term. The 6-week guideline we hear about is meant to apply in cases where the birth was straightforward ? did not involve a tear or episiotomy or assistance/intervention, etc. It can take up to 12 months or more for some gynaecological repercussions to heal properly from childbirth. I know someone who is still having problems from a tear 4 years on! IT may take longer if the birth was traumatic. Given that most women will be healed within 6 weeks to 6 months, I'd say getting impatient in that timeframe is completely unreasonable.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 17/07/2013 17:39

I'm still stuck on the bit where LondonMan allows that a woman might be allowed:

"time off in special circumstances"

You make sex sound like a punishment LP

HotCrossPun · 17/07/2013 17:48

He's an odd fruit moor

He's on here spouting on either peoples relationships and what's normal/not, while giving pearls of wisdom such as:

For a man, children, companionship, shared finances, socialising with your family/friends, even talking to you, are all just optional furniture of the relationship, penis-in-vagina is the house.

Who sounds like they have the issue here? The OP, who is having a hard time and not fancying nookie - or Londonman who wouldn't even converse with his partner if he didn't think it would lead to sex?

QueenQueenie · 17/07/2013 17:48

Londonman, are you aware that you come across as patronising and unpleasant? Just wondering...

QueenQueenie · 17/07/2013 17:50

oh, and if I ever suspected that my dh thought of sex, even in his head, as "penis-in-vagina" I would (a) feel sick and (b) never want to have sex with him again...

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 17/07/2013 17:53

Yes, LP sounds quite the catch

Anyway, back to the OP...

aldiwhore · 17/07/2013 17:58

It's very common.

After my first child it was 18 months before we had full sex, a further 3 months until I really started enjoying it and a good 2 years until my breasts felt sexually nice.

DH did put up with a lot, it wasn't nice for him, he was good about it (as of course he should be!) and was supportive BUT only because we talked, and talked, and we didn't back off each other completely and made sure we still hugged and kissed, held hands and remained tactile.

It was strain, but we got through it.

My second child was very different!!

Talk talk talk, cuddle!

nenevomito · 17/07/2013 20:36

I didn't have sex for a year when I was ill. DH never pressured me and we're back to normal now. Good men are like that.

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