To have reached a crossroads in my life RE having children

[grapelovingweirdo]

Hopefully you'll still accept me as a mumsnetter after this post - This is because I'm not a parent but I do find this site helps me understand the lives of my family and friends who are parents. I have also found the site to be a great source of support in other ways.

In short, this site makes me far less of a dick towards my parent friends than I perhaps would have been, hence my continuous lurking and occasional posts.

So here's my problem:

I've always had a strange horror at the idea of having kids of my own but I don't want to have it.

That's it really. I'm 28 and have never ever ever wanted to have children. I love them (have nieces, nephews and loads of younger brothers and sisters) and like spending time with them in small doses but I can't imagine having one full time.

The main reason for this is that I like my free time and ability to be a bit flexible (work aside!) and I am beholden to no one. I also hate faff and like things to be just so.

The truth of the matter though is that I seem to have deep rooted reasons for my utter horror at the idea of having a child. It's not even the pregnancy and birth bit that scares me the most; it's the idea that Id somehow be passing on the baton so to speak. Whatever I read online seems to emphasise the idea that parents cease to be people in their own right and simply exist to pass their genes onto the next generation.

Now I know that isn't strictly true - and I see many awesome m'netters on here who defy that idea. However, it does scare me.

Other things that scare me are:

The fact that women tend to be the ones who do most of the care - men's lives seem to carry on as before

There seems to be a lot of judgement in the media against mothers who do things for themselves - not so much for fathers.

I am mildly autistic and live in fear of having a child like me or worse. I was a HANDFUL and I don't like myself enough to want to voluntarily release another version of myself onto the world.

I like to sleep. A lot.

Kids are noisy - SO noisy. I hear one shrieking in a shopping centre and have to cover my ears or leave the room.

I'm really not keen on toddlers - love them at four and older though.

I veer between feeling sorry for my friends when they get pregnant and feeling a big sense of peace and happiness whenever I hold a baby. I am a regular on both parenting sites and childfree sites (although I don't post on the CF sites and find them a little extreme).

Please please don't flame me. I am not trying to insult anyone at all, I'm just looking for some support and possibly someone to say "I felt like that too and it was fine".

Can someone like me ever make the choice that makes them happy?

From what you've said, you'd be happiest not having children.

I presume that you've considered alternatives, like adopting a 4+ child (less noisy, you cope better with older children).

At the end of the day, though, you don't have to have children. If you don't want them, that's just fine. If you don't know yet, that's fine too. It seems like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

Do you have a partner who wants children?

It's not a law to have kids If you don't feel that you want them, that's absolutely fine. You can just be an awesome auntie and spoil your nieces, nephews and friends' kids rotton.

But also you are only 28, so there's plenty of time for you to really think about this decision and decide if you are happy with it.

Why is not wanting children a problem?

They aren't compulsory!

You don't have to have kids you know, you don't even have to justify it.

Is there something or someone who is pushing you to make a choice right now? Because 28 is really very young to be thinking that you should know absolutely whether you do or don't. At the moment you sound more on the side of not, which is absolutely fine, but what's the rush to know? You have a good 10-12 years. if not more, to change your mind from a no if you want to....

x posts with last 3!

Ah thanks for your replies. I feel better already. My problem is that I feel I'm at a major crossroads in my life. Don't ask me why, it's just something that's been getting stronger and stronger since I turned 27.

I know I don't want to do it and yet I'm so drawn to parenting related sites, chat, children and people who have done it. It's so strange.

I have considered the adoption thing actually, my mum was adopted and some of cousins as well. They're all great examples of how love and security can help a child.

My partner has two children from a previous marriage so he would be fine not to have any more. He would be happy though should I fall pregnant accidentally.

I wish I knew why this stresses me out so much and am considering counselling.

If you don't want

you are 28, there is still time for you to change your mind, even though that might not happen..

i would say stop all the navel gazing and get on with your life, doing what already makes you happy..

Oh FFS!

What I was trying to say was, if you don't want one then don't have one. It's far worse to have a child who isn't wanted. You don't have to have kids.

28 is still young. You have plenty of time to enjoy your freedom and life.

So, I only think you are being unreasonable in saying that this is a crossroads, because you don't need to make a life changing decision about it yet.

Otherwise, I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

I felt like you at 28. Actually, I hadn't even thought about having kids, I was just certain that I wouldn't. I'm now 34 and considering one or two ... but still find the idea of pregnancy/childbirth/day to day stress of raising kids a horrific idea at times. Not saying you'll change your mind or if you want to change your mind, but 28 is still pretty young in the scheme of things.

Grape, I could've written your post. In 28, I don't want kids, and here I am on mumsnet!

My reasons are the same as yours. It's almost, though, like I WANT to want to have children. When people who didnt want to have children tell me they accidentally got pregnant and it was the best thing to happen to them, I really like stories like that.

My DP is pretty ambivalent about kids, but I think my life might be a bit easier in the future if I decide I do want them, as I think he will decide that he wants them too.

Oh, and if you don't want them, then there isn't a problem is there? Just carry on doing all the things you love :-)

I'm 36 and childless. You've put into writing what I've been to scared to say out loud.

I've also been told that I'm on the autistic spectrum and my biggest fear is that any child I produce would end up like me. I like things my own way and I know I'm a bit odd. I wish I wasn't though.

I do occasionally get twinges of regret when I hold a friends new baby, but I'm am so hopeless at relationships that even if I changed my mind, it probably would be too late now.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it's not just you that feels the way you do.

I imagine it's the spectre of the door closing that is worrying you more than anything else. These kind of things always seem more significant when you begin to worry that you can't have them, instead of choosing not to.

As others have said, you have lots of time yet so just relax, get on with enjoying your life and see where you end up!

I felt like you for years. Then unwittingly found myself fostering an 18-month-old little girl which changed my mind about having children. I wanted children but still had those fears. Like you I'd always liked children over the age of 4. I'm still not keen on babies, despite producing two, and am always slightly when people assume I want to hold their newborn just because I'm female and a fellow mum. I don't like to cause offence though, so smile and rock with the best of them.

Being a parent has been simultaneously the best and most limiting thing I've ever done with my life. The irony is that it took me having children to realise the strength of my own capabilities, but now that I have them some of those opportunities I could have taken will be forever denied to me. I don't resent it because I actually have a great life and am happy and proud of my choices now, but it came at a cost to reach this point.

In the early years, I did lose my sense of identity and lost out in career advancement. That was, however, largely because I did it as a single parent.

I don't regret becoming a parent. Despite the un-PC-ness of it though, I suspect many do. It's not compulsory to have children, so don't ever do it simply because it's commonplace and seems the natural thing to do. Do it because you want to.

The best advice I can give you (which I wish I'd heeded better myself) is choose the father of your children wisely. If you make a good choice, it will have minimal impact on your career and your domestic balance. No one can do the pregnancy/lactation bit for you, but your career and social life should be no more affected than your potential DC's father if you have the right man.

Well, on the one hand that?s OK. You don?t have to have children.

Alternatively, there are no rules about how you raise your children. You might find a partner who was willing to do a full role reversal. Or you could use a lot of professional childcare.

But then, there?s your partner?.. Your partner might be delighted if you got pregnant, but would he want you to be the kind of mother that you want to be? Would he be delighted if you wanted a role reversal, say, with him at home doing the babycare? I do think that your partner?s expectations are going to be a lot more important than society?s expectations. He?s had children before, does he assume you?ll both do parenthood roughly the same way he and his previous wife did? If so, and if that's very different from how you what you want to do it, then maybe he?s not actually the ideal man for you have children with.

If you don't want kids, that's perfectly valid. Some people don't - genuinely don't.

I certainly didn't at 28. I'm not saying that in a "oh, you might change your mind" kind of way, not at all. At 28 I did want to have kids at some point, but 'not yet'...which is very different from knowing at 28 that one just plain doesn't want to have kids. I am 42 now, married and have a kid after having had a serious illness that made it quite unlikely, and after ending a long-term relationship in my thirties. I absolutely could not ever have predicted at 28 that I was going to end up at the place in my life that I am now.

But I do want to reply to your post because I had a lot of the same feelings/concerns as you about what life would be like as a mother, and in my own experience, a lot of what I worried about - just never happened. My DD is only three, so there is a lot that could still change, obviously. (I live with two teenage stepkids as well.)

I do most of the care for my DD, but that is because I prefer it that way, and because it works with the jobs/lifestyle that DH and I have. He'd do more if I wanted to change...he was the primary caregiver and stay at home dad to his two older children. He does a share of the childcare now, and we've delegated jobs so that he does a lot of the household tasks. Point is, you are right about how most people do things, and women still carrying more of the weight - but you don't have to assume that it will be that way for you. You're already thinking about it - great - build the life you want and do it differently. It is possible.

For me, the loss of freedom and spontaneity was one of my worries. I didn't want to give up travelling, for instance. So I haven't. Is it exactly the same? No, of course not...but I do things with my DD now. Some people would disapprove of the things that I do with her, some people just seem surprised that I'm able to, some people tell me how much they wish they could do it themselves. I'm always surprised and a bit disheartened by how many people buy into the idea that life has to be a certain way once you have kids.

I guess what I am getting at is...whatever decision you ultimately make, don't let fear guide you, whether it is fear of 'running out of time' or fear of 'never sleeping in again' or even fear of 'what if my kid is just like me'.

I felt like you at your age but changed my mind later. However, it's not compulsory to have children and you sound like an awesome auntie -- now the world can use more of those! However, you don't say anything about a partner - having children is generally a joint decision (or probably should be). Discussing it in the abstract is not that helpful. You might meet someone and realise you want to have children with them. And you're not doomed to give up all your interests, do the majority of the childcare or never sleep again, honestly. It's a team effort, ideally!

You're not imagining it though, there is a lot of pressure on women to have children and suspicion of those who don't - but it really is totally up to you in the end. We don't all have to be the same.

True. but...Having children is not always a joint decision, though. My sister decided in her late thirties to have a child by sperm donor. It was a great decision. And she is a really, really good mother. Not having a partner doesn't have to stop a woman from having a child, any more than having a partner is purely about procreation.

i'm 37 and feel the same as you - it's certainly got a lot more pressing the last couple of years or so.

i think the issue is that given time the decision is taken from you as you age, and you worry you might regret it....

as someone said above I kind of wish I did want them - takes the anguish out of it, and takes the worry that I'll change your mind when it's too late.

But right now the idea of living with a child fills me with horror - i can't imagine that will change any time soon and the old clock is a tickin'

I am 37. I didn't want children when I was 28. I still don't want them.

There is a LOT of pressure to want/have children. Lots of people seem to think that you have only succeeded if you have ticks in the marriage and children boxes (even though it's 2013!!).

I don't so much resist as ignore it. I too am a big fan of my nieces and nephews, but have never had any desire to reproduce myself. As I'm single there's not a "what does my partner want?" issue - though I have to say that almost all men seem to want children, so if there is pressure coming from your partner I think you need to be clear that you don't want them. And not let him push you into it or do the "you might change your mind" thing. (That does die off fortunately in your 30s)

Are there any other people in your family who don't have children, who you could talk to? Some of my aunts and uncles don't have children; never have and never will.

Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate this. It's interesting to see that loads of others have gone through the same thing. I'm not afraid to be different at all, just worried I may be letting my personal issues get in the way. I do think a better choice for me would be to not do it though - unless I get a rush of hormones in my thirties haha!

Why do you think this "crossroads" thing happens? Social pressure?