To have reached a crossroads in my life RE having children

[grapelovingweirdo]

Hopefully you'll still accept me as a mumsnetter after this post - This is because I'm not a parent but I do find this site helps me understand the lives of my family and friends who are parents. I have also found the site to be a great source of support in other ways.

In short, this site makes me far less of a dick towards my parent friends than I perhaps would have been, hence my continuous lurking and occasional posts.

So here's my problem:

I've always had a strange horror at the idea of having kids of my own but I don't want to have it.

That's it really. I'm 28 and have never ever ever wanted to have children. I love them (have nieces, nephews and loads of younger brothers and sisters) and like spending time with them in small doses but I can't imagine having one full time.

The main reason for this is that I like my free time and ability to be a bit flexible (work aside!) and I am beholden to no one. I also hate faff and like things to be just so.

The truth of the matter though is that I seem to have deep rooted reasons for my utter horror at the idea of having a child. It's not even the pregnancy and birth bit that scares me the most; it's the idea that Id somehow be passing on the baton so to speak. Whatever I read online seems to emphasise the idea that parents cease to be people in their own right and simply exist to pass their genes onto the next generation.

Now I know that isn't strictly true - and I see many awesome m'netters on here who defy that idea. However, it does scare me.

Other things that scare me are:

The fact that women tend to be the ones who do most of the care - men's lives seem to carry on as before

There seems to be a lot of judgement in the media against mothers who do things for themselves - not so much for fathers.

I am mildly autistic and live in fear of having a child like me or worse. I was a HANDFUL and I don't like myself enough to want to voluntarily release another version of myself onto the world.

I like to sleep. A lot.

Kids are noisy - SO noisy. I hear one shrieking in a shopping centre and have to cover my ears or leave the room.

I'm really not keen on toddlers - love them at four and older though.

I veer between feeling sorry for my friends when they get pregnant and feeling a big sense of peace and happiness whenever I hold a baby. I am a regular on both parenting sites and childfree sites (although I don't post on the CF sites and find them a little extreme).

Please please don't flame me. I am not trying to insult anyone at all, I'm just looking for some support and possibly someone to say "I felt like that too and it was fine".

Can someone like me ever make the choice that makes them happy?

Relax about it for the moment, OP. I think one's late twenties can be too full of such self-imposed pressures. If you take the pressure off, you may find you are able to think about it more calmly.

For what it's worth, I never wanted children, having had a rather grim childhood with too much responsibility for my younger siblings. I never had a Eureka moment where I changed my mind, I never became broody or was terribly interested in other people's children, but I had a baby at 39, and life is very difficult and very wonderful. Having said that, I would have been differently happy had I not had him.

Think of your choice as being between two different kinds of fulfilment, f that helps.

I felt the same at 28 should I, would I regret it if I didn't. I'm now 36 and am so glad I chose not to have my own. My dh has a child whom I love and have 3/4 days a week. I couldn't do it full time it's knackering and I think being a mother is possibly the hardest job that goes unappreciated in many ways.

I feel if its not a definite yes then it's a no, if you don't feel that real want to have your own children then don't because once they've arrived you can't send them back!

It's not for everyone and whatever you choose is absolutely fine, it's not a requirement!

I didn't want children at 28. I now have three. Everyone is different in their approach to parenting and how they "mould" their children. Mine love listening to The Archers!

And we're all on the autistic spectrum to a certain degree.

I think sometimes, thinking too hard about it will stop you.

I'm not autistic and had similar fears.

I have two children, I am still me, I'm MORE me than ever before. I wouldn't change a thing even through a few struggles.

YANBU.

If children hadn't happened for me (I was married and we decided 'let's see what happens', then forgot, then 5 years later were in DEEP SHOCK, we'd forgotten that babies could actually really happen) I would still be the me who thought "I just can't see myself as mother".

And sometimes, I still can't. But I'm bloody good at it, and wouldn't change a single thing.

We have many different friends, some with small children, some with grown up children, some with none and none coming. For me, that is what's kept me sane, at ease, happy, and able to be me... that we still have friends who have different situations from us.

The 'rules' change, the ability to drop everything and go to the pub, the cost (Christ the cost of going out for a beer makes it completely not worth the fun it would bring) but other things change that enable you to still have fun if you're willing.

It's not for everyone. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children. If you know yourself well enough, you will still be you either way.

It's not compulsory to have children and I have to say I had little interest in my twenties. I wouldn't change it for the world though and couldn't imagine my life without them. Well I could, I would live in a clean swanky flat, go on lots of holidays and have a flat stomach. On second thoughts ........

Only joking.

I think there is alot of pressure to have children but its not for all. The older I get , I appreciate why friends don't but I am glad I am not them.