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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to turf my partner's brother out of bed at 2.50 pm?

45 replies

JohFlow · 16/07/2013 12:18

My partner's brother (28yrs) comes to stay with us every few months. I love the guy in general - but I find him a difficult house guest.

Within the family it is generally recognised that the brother does not like to get out of bed in the mornings. And they often ask him to get out of bed a few times before he surfaces sometime in the afternoon. Often he is drawn from his 'pit' with ready-cooked food.

Last weekend; we had a few things to do as a family and had to put them off until he was out of bed. I (again) told my partner that I find lie ins and non-response to 'are you getting up?' very rude when we have put effort into providing him with hospitality. My partner replied that he is 'not bothered about it'. I will persevere!

Is it just me; or it that actually quite rude to lie in in this manner? I wouldn't dream of getting out of bed late if someone was kindly letting me stay at theirs.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Pixieonthemoor · 16/07/2013 12:21

It's incredibly rude! He needs to grow up!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 16/07/2013 12:21

It is rude, but you don't have to adjust your plans to work round it. If you had things to do as a family and he is still in bed, then go do them without him. If he is not up by the time you want to eat, leave his to re-heat later.

Cluffyflump · 16/07/2013 12:24

I would ignore him and carry on.
Why did you postpone your plans last weekend?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 16/07/2013 12:26

Just get on with your day without him
And don't cook for him
If he's not awake, he's not getting fed!

BarbarianMum · 16/07/2013 12:27

I'd leave him to it, tbh. He stays in bed but family life goes on.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 16/07/2013 12:28

March in, open curtains/blinds, cheery "GOOD MORNING!", cup of tea plonked down on bedside table and "see you downstairs in 5"

YANBU.

CheerfulYank · 16/07/2013 12:29

I agree. Just ignore him and do what you need to do. :)

Vanessa1234 · 16/07/2013 12:34

Is he in a spare bedroom or on the sofa/kids room? If he's disrupting you he should get up.

Eilidhbelle · 16/07/2013 12:36

YANBU, get him up! He's a guest in your house, does he help with housework or meals, or anything like that?

Original poster
JohFlow · 16/07/2013 12:48

Thanks for that everyone.

In response; I don't cook for anyone to get them out of bed. . My partner cooks for his brother. I think this is just encouraging him to stay in bed until he smells food. But my partner and I disagree on that one.

Tried the bright and breezy 'Good Morning!' Marmalade. He drank his tea and tucked himself back in.

Also tried our antiquated and very noisy hoover just outside his door . He groaned and buried his head.

Last weekend we planned to go out on our bikes in preparation for my DS's cycling proficiency. He needed to learn to keep pace in single file in prep. for class riding. I said at 2.30pm that I would not want to wait much longer and pointed out that 'life does not go on hold for sleepy brothers'. I then rearranged the order of what needed to be done on the day and got on with other stuff.

I think new boundaries need to be drawn though.

Still welcoming comments

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 16/07/2013 12:53

Just leave him in bed. He's an adult, his choice if he wants to sleep the day away.

aldiwhore · 16/07/2013 12:56

If he pays his way then I think at 28 years old you can sleep in as long as you want to.

However, you must not wait around for him or put your life on hold in any way.

If he's not contributing to his 'keep' in any way, YANBU and shouldn't just kick him out of bed but out of the house.

dreamingbohemian · 16/07/2013 12:57

But why was BIL sleeping keeping you from going out on your bikes?

If he's in a guest room and not in the way, I don't see why you just don't ignore him and get on with your lives.

Eyesunderarock · 16/07/2013 12:57

'Last weekend; we had a few things to do as a family and had to put them off until he was out of bed.'

Why was it necessary? Couldn't you just have left him there?
I have nocturnal teens at the moment, I don't let it interfere with what I want to do.

Eyesunderarock · 16/07/2013 12:57

xpost dreaming! Smile

CaptainSweatPants · 16/07/2013 12:58

I don't understand why you don't just leave him in bed

Do you only invite him to entertain the kids all day?

Ragwort · 16/07/2013 12:59

That would drive me mad too, why is your DH 'indulging' a 28 year old man? Hmm.

However, I would just get on with my day and try to ignore him however infuriating I found it.

DeWe · 16/07/2013 13:03

I don't understand why you didn't just leave him. i would have thought that a family bike ride wouldn't be particuarly interesting to a 28yo uncle. In fact, it would probably have positively encouraged me to stay in bed to avoid it Grin

Go off and leave him. He'll probably appreciate it. Tell him he's expected to make tea for when you get back. Win all round.

Original poster
JohFlow · 16/07/2013 13:13

He does nothing when he is here and no finances exchange hands.

I am not sure why my partner feels obliged to indulge his brother Ragwort. Or why he likes to be there when he wakes up. It's like a family culture of 'babying' of the brother rather than letting him step up. It really grates on me and I have discussed it with my partner who is starting to see it more clearly. I think brother enjoys being 'mothered'. I draw the line at that sort of activity for anyone I have not given birth too/is 18.

I want to be consistent with my partner but just think that he does not see it as a problem

OP posts:
Marcheline · 16/07/2013 13:22

Is he 18, or 28? Not sure it matters a huge amount as it's still rude for an 18yr old to do it, but a 28yr old is much worse.

I would tell your DP that unless bro is going to get up, help around house i.e washing dishes, cooking a meal, hoovering, then he isn't welcome.

We have my BILs over to stay a few times a year and they help out with general household tasks and are a real pleasure to have (though they eat like bloody horses). DD1 just loves having them, too, withers is that relationship to consider if your DP has children. One of them brought a girlfriend once and she stayed in bed most of the day etc. It was generally seen as incredibly rude and I gather he had a few choice words for her on the drive home.

Marcheline · 16/07/2013 13:23

Withers? There is that relationship...

fubbsy · 16/07/2013 13:24

YANBU. Your partner himself probably doesn't understand why he feels obliged to indulge his brother. I reckon it is such an ingrained part of his upbringing and his family of origin that he doesn't have much perspective on it.

I agree with everyone else, just ignore the brother and get on with your day.

ZillionChocolate · 16/07/2013 13:27

I think when he arrives, tell him your plans for the weekend with a you're very welcome, take it or leave it approach. Then get on with your life. Get an extra house key cut if necessary so he can lock up when he surfaces.

Original poster
JohFlow · 16/07/2013 14:34

''Bump''

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/07/2013 14:38

Pan of water.. Sploosh. Usually does the trick in my experience.

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