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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to turf my partner's brother out of bed at 2.50 pm?

45 replies

JohFlow · 16/07/2013 12:18

My partner's brother (28yrs) comes to stay with us every few months. I love the guy in general - but I find him a difficult house guest.

Within the family it is generally recognised that the brother does not like to get out of bed in the mornings. And they often ask him to get out of bed a few times before he surfaces sometime in the afternoon. Often he is drawn from his 'pit' with ready-cooked food.

Last weekend; we had a few things to do as a family and had to put them off until he was out of bed. I (again) told my partner that I find lie ins and non-response to 'are you getting up?' very rude when we have put effort into providing him with hospitality. My partner replied that he is 'not bothered about it'. I will persevere!

Is it just me; or it that actually quite rude to lie in in this manner? I wouldn't dream of getting out of bed late if someone was kindly letting me stay at theirs.

What do you think?

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Original poster

JohFlow · 17/07/2013 13:21

lol Gamerchick - have a very large pasta pan which I brought back from living in Italy. I think that would make a Sppplidddooooshh.

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Kat101 · 17/07/2013 13:51

Whats the point of him visiting if he sleeps all the time? Does he stay up late, or keep you up?

Tittypulumpcious · 17/07/2013 14:13

He obviously doesn't want to be included in family plans or he'd get up. I would refuse to have him visit again. It does disrupt because you're conscious of the extra body in the house who's still in bed!

YouTheCat · 17/07/2013 14:18

Why is he visiting? Book him into a hotel if he's treating your place like one anyway.

Floggingmolly · 17/07/2013 14:42

You obviously have different expectations; he thinks of your spare room as somewhere convenient to crash, you think of him as a visitor who must slot in with the families doings and be "entertained".

What harm is he doing?

Ragwort · 17/07/2013 19:15

Is he Italian? Sorry to stereotype but he sounds like a typical Italian male who is used to being spoiled rotton & indulged by his parents and seems that his elder brother is happy to carry on spoiling him. Ignore me if he is not Italian .

PrincessTeacake · 17/07/2013 19:41

I dunno, I'm almost sympathetic towards the brother because I'm on drowsy-inducing meds so on my days off I tend to let tgem knock me out until late in the day. My family don't really get it and they tend to shout at me to wake up or make a hell of a lot of unnecessary noise when I'm tryjng to rest. If I go too long without a pretty much 24 hour bed break I get violently ill.

Do you think there could be a medical reason or are you certain he's a lazy sod?

Original poster

JohFlow · 17/07/2013 20:11

lol Ragwort - no he is not Italian. But I understand what you are saying about the slow maturing under matriach status.

I don't think he has a medical condition Princess. I believe it to be a cultural/expectation thing. I think he is a lazy sod because up till now no-one has told him that he what is expected when he is staying. I am trying to get partner to do it - because I am still getting to know the brother. I would say something if partner does not though.

Titty- I agree that there is a psychological pressure about having an extra body in the house that is redundant.

Kat - he stays up late with partner playing X Box games downstairs. Last few visits it has moved from 1am - 3am when they go finally roll into bed.

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formicadinosaur · 17/07/2013 21:02

Yep when he arrives, tell him your plans complete with times

. 'Cycle ride tomorrow at xx time if you want to come. Otherwise we will see you later. Maybe you could start the BBQ at 3 and get some sausages from tescos'

Cityofgold · 17/07/2013 22:28

I'm not sure you've explained why your plans had to change? Or what you wanted him to do when he woke up? Do you just want him to be awake for the sake of it because it's your house? That sort of attitude strikes me as more rude or perhaps unnecessary is a better word. If you can't be yourself in your brother's house, where can you be?

Original poster

JohFlow · 17/07/2013 22:48

I guess I just find it anti-social City to visit people and then spent most of the time in bed. I don't think it is at all rude/unnecessary to say would you would prefer in your own house - so long as it is done respectfully.

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TigerSwallowTail · 17/07/2013 23:18

Is he 18 or 28?

Strokethefurrywall · 18/07/2013 02:06

Why the hell do you allow him to stay if he contributes nothing other than extra sheets for you to wash and a large mouth to feed?

Tell your DH that he's welcome to lay in bed until 2.30pm... in a hotel. Then put your foot down. This guy sounds like an utter douche.

MidniteScribbler · 18/07/2013 04:35

It's rude, it's ridiculous and he should grow the hell up. But that's not your battle to fight. You're not his mother, you're not his sibling. Honestly, no good can come from falling out with your partner over his brother.

Just go about your day as if he isn't there.

Vivacia · 18/07/2013 06:09

I don't understand the problem. You either put your foot down and demand your husband backs you up or you back your husband up but continue your lives the way you want. Rearranging some bike practice sounds daft.

Bunbaker · 18/07/2013 06:27

I don't get why it disrupts your family plans. Just carry on as normal - we do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2013 07:02

It is a bit rude but maybe the point of his stay for DH and BIL is to spend time together. They do that at 2am.

I have to say that pre-kids, I liked a good lie-in and would have thought you were a joyless harridan for trying to wake me up. Especially the hoover. So passive aggressive.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 18/07/2013 07:24

What midnight said. Stay out of it, go out without him if necessary. He's your DH's brother, they're clearly close. No good will come of playing silly games - let alone barring him from visiting, which would be hugely U.

But I'm intrigued - is the DB unemployed/unemployable or does he have a nocturnal/free-range job?

saintlyjimjams · 18/07/2013 07:32

Well it's rude but I would just get in with my day. I had some regular visitors who did this when ds1 was a baby. If they weren't up at say 11am then I would leave a note
'taken ds swimming help yourself to breakfast/lunch, not sure what time I'll be back'. They might have thought I was rude but bugger me if I'd been up since 5am I wasn't hanging on any longer!

I don't see why the cycling needed to be rearranged.

Original poster

JohFlow · 18/07/2013 10:23

Thanks for all your responses.

I have spoken with my partner very clearly about my thoughts on the the situation and we found some areas of agreement. Boundaries will be put in place prior to his brother's next visit in line with our chat. I think I was being too 'nice' in waiting around so that my partner could be there when the brother woke up. So take responsibility for that.

I used some of your ideas when it can to the problem-solving part of the discussion - so thank you for that.

Feel better now that a compromise has been found which will work for everyone.

Best Wishes All

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