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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider refusing to lend him money?

30 replies

UnexpectedStepmum · 16/07/2013 10:18

My stepson is 23. He has got into financial difficulties on several occasions in the past, he has borrowed large sums of money from both DH and me, and from his mum and stepdad, and not paid it back.

He left the area where his mum lives having defaulted on his rent and bills, and as she had acted as guarantor, she was liable. He then moved in with us and borrowed £1800 to buy a car, didn't make any payments back and ended up moving away again leaving us with the car. We intended to sell it to recoup the money but there were a range of problems with it which needed to be resolved before we could sell it, it's cost over £800 already and it's not worth anything like what he paid.

He contacted DH yesterday to say that he reduced his hours at work on the promise of another role which now won't start for six months. He needs to pay the deposit on his flat and rent, and asked to borrow £800. His dad said no, and that he should sell the car he told us he just got - he can't do is as it's a lease arrangement. His mum has already said no to the loan, if we don't lend him the money he will not be able to stay in the flat, leaving the friend he made the sharing arrangement with in the lurch, and will probably move back in with another friend's parents, which is where he was until recently.

AIBU to think we should carry on saying no? We have enough money saved to be able to make the loan, but only because we saved madly before I went on maternity leave as I have no income during this time - it's our emergency fund. DStepson is irresponsible and impulsive and has taken a lot of daft decisions, but my parents helped me out as an adult (though I paid back every penny and ahead of schedule). Do we bail him out again and give him a chance to show he can be reliable this time, or let him experience consequences? WWYD?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 16/07/2013 10:21

I would tell him to jog on! I know its hard with kids but he is an adult and needs to face up to the consequences of his actions. Helping your kids is not always giving them things. This IS helping out OP, he does not need money he needs a life lesson. He will thank you in the long run

EllaFitzgerald · 16/07/2013 10:22

I wouldn't give him the money. You're never going to see it again if you do. Every time he has a financial emergency, someone bails him out. He's not had to learn to budget properly and he'll just keep repeating his behaviour until he does.

However, if he's dropped his hours, I would offer to help him update his CV so he can start looking for a part time job to top up his wages until his new role starts.

ouryve · 16/07/2013 10:24

If people keep on bailing him out, he's always going to assume that he doesn't have to think about the consequences of any decisions he makes.

He already owes you money, so don't lend him any more.

RaisingChaotic · 16/07/2013 10:28

Don't lend him the money. He won't learn unless you stop enabling him which is what you're doing by bailing him out.

Katisha · 16/07/2013 10:34

The enabling needs to stop sometime or else this will just go on and on and on.
Might as well be now.

DorisIsWaiting · 16/07/2013 10:39

NO NO And NO!

I have a man child cousin who is 28 he is constantly in debt andf begging family members for money (or even worse now getting my 87 yr old gran to do it on his behalf (SS are now involved!)).

So long as you are always there to pick up the pieces , he will continue.

Maybe you could help him by putting him in contact with a charity debt management service / someone who will help him learn to manage his finances?

NinaJade666 · 16/07/2013 10:45

No! YANBU. Just say no..

Bowlersarm · 16/07/2013 10:48

No, he should have learnt his lesson by now but doesn't seem to. He's showing a lack of respect to you and his mum by keeping coming to you for handouts. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself.

PumpkinPie2013 · 16/07/2013 11:59

YANBU at all. I've 'lent' money to family members in the past (same ones each time) when I didn't have a lot myself (a student) and have never seen it again despite them promising at the time that it would be repaid.

They also did the same to others. Eventually like you I got fed up of it and just started saying I didn't have it.

They don't ask now though we are still on good terms. To be honest though it left me feeling quite angry and bitter.

Definitely say no. He needs to learn to take responsibility and budget more carefully! X

NatashaBee · 16/07/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Harryhairypig · 16/07/2013 12:22

No . don't lend. He shouldn't make arrangements without the money to carry them through and he needs to know that.

ShabbyButNotChic · 16/07/2013 12:24

Hes taking the piss, say no! I admit i have borrowed money from my parents a few times. Sometimes £50, sometimes £1000. They would never say no to me, BUT we agree a time/payment plan before they hand it over. Eg 'can you lend me £50 till payday' or 'i will lend you £1000, i want back £100 a month'. They always get their money back on time, if not before.
I think most people would help their family if they have the money to, difference being you know you will never see that money again. I wouldnt try to justify or give reasons to him. Just say no.

CreatureRetorts · 16/07/2013 12:24

No. How exactly do you think he will learn to fend for himself if everyone keeps rescuing him?

Original poster
UnexpectedStepmum · 16/07/2013 12:26

That's pretty unanimous then! The word 'enabling' strikes a chord here, and Ella I think is spot on about him not having had to learn to budget. There is some mitigation for him due to messiness of parents' divorce, but he is an adult now (though 'man child' also fits) so maybe some tough love is called for. Discussion with DH later then - Mumsnet has spoken!

OP posts:
flowery · 16/07/2013 12:28

If you want to help him, giving him more money will not achieve that, it will have the opposite effect.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 16/07/2013 12:32

No. If you give him the money (because it won't be a loan, because a loan is paid back and he won't) you are enabling him to continue relying on good old Bank of Mum & Dad & Steps. He is now 23 and needs to learn, regardless of what trouble he may end up in. It's not like he's only mismanaged money once, is it?

Am amazed, quite frankly, he's been able to lease a car. He must surely have an appalling credit history based on prior problems. I think he might be lying about that, personally. He probably HAS bought it and is lying to you.

Sallyingforth · 16/07/2013 12:36

It's not a loan and you all know it. He just wants yet another gift of money so that he can continue in his unsustainable manner. Say no.

Original poster
UnexpectedStepmum · 16/07/2013 12:44

Jessica DH said the same thing about the car - DStep has form for lying too. Your detective skills are still going!

DH thinks he may be lying about having asked his mum too, thinking we are a softer touch (possibly true). You're all right of course, he does need to learn, and the fact the he will probably deal with it by dumping on one friend and sponging off another is not our problem. Sad though, wish he would bloody well grow up.

OP posts:
nenevomito · 16/07/2013 12:46

Say no.
When I was his age I was hideously in debt. I had no one to bail me out so I reigned in my spending and grew up.

If he keeps on getting bailed out, he'll never learn.

ArrowofApollo · 16/07/2013 12:52

Agree with everyone else. You and his mum and Dad need to present a united front and refuse to bail him out again. He is old enough to beat responsibility of his actions.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 16/07/2013 12:52

Unexpected - I may be old, and I may not write so many books any more, but I still have it! Wink

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 16/07/2013 12:55

I agree. Continually bailing him out is not helping him.
Hard as it will be for him in the short term, he needs to fall.
He needs to suffer the consequences of his choices.
I think all the people he normally expects will rescue him all get together and agree never ever again and communicate this to him.

LongTailedTit · 16/07/2013 13:06

Agree with all of the above.

Might be worth discussing the previous 'loans' with your DH, and telling the StS whether you'll write them off or if you want them paid back.
Sounds like he needs a shock to his system, and no new loan and a schedule of repayment might do the trick.

NutcrackerFairy · 16/07/2013 13:20

Goodness, he is 23 not 17 years old!

Not that this would be much better behaviour coming from a teenager but perhaps more understandable coming from someone that age, what with general lack of maturity and self absorption.

However at 23 he really is old enough to look after himself and not go running to Daddy to solve his problems for him.

So he won't be able to take on this tenancy and will have to explain to his friend that it's not possible, then take the repercussions of this ie angry friend.

But it will be a good lesson for him to learn and may just encourage him to be more adult and responsible in the future.

Otherwise one day, if you keep bailing him out, you will have a 30 year man child on your hands. And no sane woman will ever want to take him on, he may be your responsibility FOREVER!!!

Original poster
UnexpectedStepmum · 16/07/2013 13:41

Nutcracker that must NOT happen! That's it, my heart is officially hardened.

OP posts: