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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and his son - AIBU yes or no

38 replies

SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 16:40

DP has a habit of dropping everything for his 18 year old son. Literally - everything including plans he has with me, work related stuff, EVERYTHING. DSS2s 16th birthday was geared towards what DSS1 wanted to do ffs. Recent example - DSS1 decided that next weekend on access night he wanted to go camping. SO naturally DP immediately agrees with this and the rest of the family either like it or lump it basically. As it happens, DSS2 and my DS were quite excited about this - however, upon picking the kids up this saturday, DP finds out that DSs1 will not be coming to us this weekend as he has gone camping with his girlfriend (didn't bother to let us know, just wasn't there when he went to pick them up.) Anyway, we had a nice weekend with DSS2 and then I mentioned next weeks camping to which DP says "oh I don't know if that will be going ahead now as DS1 has gone this week so might not want to go next weekend too" ---- err what about the rest of us?? it's planned now, surely? but no - only if DSS1 wants to go. The rest of us don't matter.

Now, today has been a shit day. The washing machine fucked up this morning, flooded the kitchen - as a result DP said he'll get home asap tonight to fix it so I can get the rest of the washing done before I'm at work for 26 hours in two days from tomorrow. He was supposed to be getting home for 4.45. Then DSS1 texts him saying "can you pick me up asap please from girlfriends house and take me back home". Girlfriends house is an hour away from DPs work (motorway drive so traffic will be a pain too) and DSS1 lives 45 minutes away from us in a neighbouring town going the other direction. So this will take almost 2 hours, a load of petrol and I won't get the washing machine fixed in time. DP simply lets me know the new arrangements by text.

AIBU to think if you're independant enough to get yourself somewhere you're independant enough to get yourself back?? And no, I wouldn't do it for my own kids - they'd know better than to ask me.

Is it really acceptable for someone to text last minute saying "Pick me up asap" from such a distance away and is it normal for a parent to say "yes of course!!" and jump into action? BTW DSS1s own mother refuses to do this and I totally agree with her. he's 18 ffs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable because it's been one thing after another today but I am getting so pissed off with DSS1 controlling DP in the way that he does to the detriment of everyone else.

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 15/07/2013 16:45

YANBU. I would be totally pissed off too. As you say, at 18 he should be responsible for getting himself from A to B. and he absolutely should not be controlling your family life.

Your DP has perhaps been doing this for so long that he doesn't stop to think?

Time for a straightforward chat with him I think...

Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 16:47

Oh he won't have a word said against him - if I even dare to raise it it will cause world war 3. It's ridiculous. I know what it is, it's because DP is terrified DSS1 is going to grow up and cancel access weekends altogether which at 18 ..... would be a pretty normal thing to do I would imagine but try telling him that

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 15/07/2013 16:59

Haven't you posted about him before?

CloudsAndTrees · 15/07/2013 17:00

I think it's up to him how he chooses to parent his own son. It's not up to you or his ex, and it doesn't matter if you would do things differently. We all parent differently and we all have different relationships with our own parents.

Just because you or the ex wouldn't pick him up, doesn't make it wrong.

If you don't like the way he does things, then you have to decide what you will put up with an what you won't, then stick to it. It's only detrimental to you if you allow it to be.

CloudsAndTrees · 15/07/2013 17:02

It is very much not normal to stop seeing your children just because they have turned 18! They were called access visits, but what they are in this case is just a father and son spending time together.

Why on earth would you think it would be normal for this contact to stop just because he's 18?

AmbrosiaCreamedMice · 15/07/2013 17:03

Having an access weekend with your dad at 18 is fairly unusual!

tripecity · 15/07/2013 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 17:14

I didn't mean it was odd to still see your kids at 18 but I do think it's odd to expect that 18 year old to still come along to the seaside with you on a weekend and go to the cinema etc - literally spending every saturday night with your dad at 18 is odd. My issue is that DP is clinging onto this "access weekend" thing despite the fact that his son is 18 and trying to make his own plans - naturally on a weekend.

And yeah, it is upto him how he parents his own son but when it impacts on the rest of the family and our plans it becomes my issue. For example - you make plans to go out to dinner but all of a sudden DSS1 wants picking up from his camping trip and off dp goes without so much as an apology for breaking arrangements. It's fucking ignorant and rude.

And I'm not just pissed off about 'me and mine' but DSS2 gets a shit deal out of it too. His 16th birthday was centered around keeping his older brother happy, the bedroom they share is kitted out mainly for DSS1 and despite the fact that DSS2 was looking forward to the camping next weekend, DP is willing to cancel it on the whim of DSS1. It's very unfair, to everyone involved.

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 15/07/2013 17:14

Nothing is going to change. You cannot change your dp you can only change what you do about it. You either have to put up with it or walk away.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 15/07/2013 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 17:18

I've tried. One time we arranged to go to cinema and last minute DSS1 decided to inform DP that he "quite fancied a trip out to the beach". DP then informs me of the change of plan to which I say "actually, I'm going to cinema as planned, I'm not letting everyone down" to which he replied "ok, I'll see if DSS2 wants to go to cinema with you or come to seaside with me and DSS1." He doesn't give a shit.

OP posts:
shewhowines · 15/07/2013 17:19

YANBU

It's not fair on DSS2, let alone the rest of you. What does DSS2 think of it all? Can you approach it with Dh from this angle, rather than your own. He might take it on board a bit more, if he thinks he may well lose DSS2 in a couple of years, due to his unfair behaviour towards him now.

Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 17:22

DSS2 is autistic so I don't think he really notices - hence why it has been allowed to continue so long because DSS2 will just go along with whatever everyone else wants to do. He won't kick up a fuss or try and assert himself which gives his elder brother the go ahead to get everything his own way. I have tried approaching it from this angle, saying how unfair it all is on DSS2 nevermind everyone else and dp just says "he's never complained." well no - he won't will he. Poor kid needs an advocate.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 17:26

See another thing is we're planning a holiday next year and hoping to take DSS1 & DSS2 to New York. I was looking forward to this until I realised it will just be a week of chasing around doing everything DSS1 wants to do. That is of course, if DSS1 even approves of New York - he could well change our plans for us yet and we might end up going somewhere else Hmm

No I know I sound bitter towards him and I don't mean to, I actually really like the lad, he's well mannered, funny, polite and has been very welcoming to me and and my kids - my issue is with DP and this ridiculous "tell me how high to jump, son!" attitude.

On the rare (very rare) occassion that DP has had to say no, DSS1 has been absolutely fine about it so there really is no excuse for DP to be treading on egg shells in the way that he does.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 15/07/2013 17:28

Firstly, I think that your 'D'P needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it is now his responsibility to get all the laundry done while you are at work, seeing as how it is his lack of consideration has affected your plans.

This would be a deal breaker for me - I think that when kids really need help then that has to be a parent's priority, but parents should not drop everything just because a child has demanded it. I would be telling my partner that this is not on and if he does it again then the relationship is over. It's a huge indicator that he lacks respect for you, if he ditches existing plans in this way.

I couldn't live with it. He is being a shitty father to DSS2 and I just couldn't tolerate that. Very blunt words would be had if this was going on in my household.

Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 17:29

And then we have the whole car issue which REALLY pisses me off.

We arrange to go to Alton Towers. Me, DP, DSS1, DSS2 and my DS.

Then all of a sudden DSS1 decides he's bringing his girlfriend along so there is no longer room in the car for all of us. Guess who gets priority and guess who gets told to travel separately. Hang on, let me find my car keys and I'll meet you there Hmm

OP posts:
dontgowadingin · 15/07/2013 17:29

YANBU....my dd1 is 18. She is now an adult. If she can get her self somewhere, she can get her self back, unless it has been begged prearranged OR and absolute emergency eg 3 am stranded ect. She is a very independent young woman

My brother was treated like this when my parents split up...he is now a 26 year old man child, living with our 81 year old GM and gets waited on hand and foot.

It must be very frustrating to the rest of the family and not fair to the other two children and your self. Show him this thread.

dontgowadingin · 15/07/2013 17:35

slug just seen the holiday post! I'd be at the point of telling DP to piss off. Holidays built around a young man....not for me! Why are you even paying for him!

Original poster
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 17:48

Yes that's another issue. He's 18 yet DP is taking about this as if we're taking two children on holiday. He's an adult. I can't imagine paying to take my own son on holiday at 18 without expecting him to contribute in some way.

OP posts:
GoingUpInTheWorld · 15/07/2013 17:48

My god!!!!

You have put up with alot of shit op.

I wouldnt put up with this.

I feel really sorry for you

34DD · 15/07/2013 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/07/2013 18:25

You got told on the last thread about this, that your dp is a shit and he will not change this he does not care about his younger child and he does not care what you think.

Why are you still there?

StuntGirl · 15/07/2013 18:33

Another thread of the same old shit OP? What do you want people to say?

TimeofChange · 15/07/2013 19:37

OP: I took my 18 year old DD away to Oz and the USA, just after she left school. We had a wonderful time together and she didn't pay a penny towards it, even though she had a Saturday job.
I wanted to pay.

My DD would come before any new partner.

whitesugar · 15/07/2013 21:42

Slug Get a grip of yourself and face reality. You have several threads on going and in each one of them you are the victim. Your own children are suffering and you don't give a shit. As I have said repeatedly denial is a real thing but you are coming across as a self indulgent bitch with no regard for your children. Other mums - just read 4 other threads on relationships and aibu. I am outing you because mums are supporting you when you are deliberately neglecting your children, one of whom is in crisis. For fucks sake get yourself some help quickly.

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