DP and his son - AIBU yes or no

[SlugBotherer]

DP has a habit of dropping everything for his 18 year old son. Literally - everything including plans he has with me, work related stuff, EVERYTHING. DSS2s 16th birthday was geared towards what DSS1 wanted to do ffs. Recent example - DSS1 decided that next weekend on access night he wanted to go camping. SO naturally DP immediately agrees with this and the rest of the family either like it or lump it basically. As it happens, DSS2 and my DS were quite excited about this - however, upon picking the kids up this saturday, DP finds out that DSs1 will not be coming to us this weekend as he has gone camping with his girlfriend (didn't bother to let us know, just wasn't there when he went to pick them up.) Anyway, we had a nice weekend with DSS2 and then I mentioned next weeks camping to which DP says "oh I don't know if that will be going ahead now as DS1 has gone this week so might not want to go next weekend too" ---- err what about the rest of us?? it's planned now, surely? but no - only if DSS1 wants to go. The rest of us don't matter.

Now, today has been a shit day. The washing machine fucked up this morning, flooded the kitchen - as a result DP said he'll get home asap tonight to fix it so I can get the rest of the washing done before I'm at work for 26 hours in two days from tomorrow. He was supposed to be getting home for 4.45. Then DSS1 texts him saying "can you pick me up asap please from girlfriends house and take me back home". Girlfriends house is an hour away from DPs work (motorway drive so traffic will be a pain too) and DSS1 lives 45 minutes away from us in a neighbouring town going the other direction. So this will take almost 2 hours, a load of petrol and I won't get the washing machine fixed in time. DP simply lets me know the new arrangements by text.

AIBU to think if you're independant enough to get yourself somewhere you're independant enough to get yourself back?? And no, I wouldn't do it for my own kids - they'd know better than to ask me.

Is it really acceptable for someone to text last minute saying "Pick me up asap" from such a distance away and is it normal for a parent to say "yes of course!!" and jump into action? BTW DSS1s own mother refuses to do this and I totally agree with her. he's 18 ffs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable because it's been one thing after another today but I am getting so pissed off with DSS1 controlling DP in the way that he does to the detriment of everyone else.

Slug Get a grip of yourself and face reality. You have several threads on going and in each one of them you are the victim. Your own children are suffering and you don't give a shit. As I have said repeatedly denial is a real thing but you are coming across as a self indulgent bitch with no regard for your children. Other mums - just read 4 other threads on relationships and aibu. I am outing you because mums are supporting you when you are deliberately neglecting your children, one of whom is in crisis. For fucks sake get yourself some help quickly.

Op I am taking this thread at face value as I have not read other threads regarding your children and my first reaction was huge sympathy for you as I have been in a similar situ with dp (now dh). He has 3 dcs, I have 2. On holidays with all 5, it became a power struggle. We'd all arrange to go to the beach, then his 2 boys (then 13 & 16) would say "nah we fancy the pool now, u coming with us dad or going with them?" Dp would then say to me "I don't fancy beach either..." I let it fester which had a detrimental effect on my relationship with the boys. I only wished I'd put my foot down sooner. Dh would never dare try that one now. I honestly believe that he did them no favours and the boys have struggled socially because in the big wide world, other people's wishes also have to be considered.

I think you have to explain to him that it's not that 'not coming first' which is your problem, but rather his lack of consideration for other members of the family. He is bullying you into accepting this state of affairs, and I would turn it round and tell him either it stops or your relationship does. And mean it.

hmmm I can see both sides here but as a parent of now older children I pander to my adult children far more than I thought I would.
when thet are small they do what you want them to do but when they become adults they do what they want to do. In order to remain a fundimental part of their lives you do have to be 'extra' accomodating.

re him paying for his son to go on holiday - why wouldnt he?
he's 18! i cant imagine he earns a fortune.
I am paying for both mine and a boyfriend because thats how I choose to spend my money

your relationship chances as they emerge into Adults - just be grateful that you married a loving dad

If it was me i'd continue making plans to go camping with dss2 and your ds. If your dh wants to stay home, let him. It'll be a liberating experience for you and might encourage him to view you with a bit more respect.

I'm a bit confused re: 'access weekends'. If DS1 is 18 he is an adult and it's no longer about set access arranged with his DM. Father and son just make arrangements (not at your other arrangements' expense) to see each other and do stuff.

YABU/YANBU.
Dropping the camping is off, always bowing to DSS1 whim isn't right. I suspect you are right that you DP is worrying his DS will stop wanting to see him and that is why he does what DS wants. Its not wrong to want to spend time with his DS, it's not the same as a resident parent saying I wouldn't do that for my children as they are there all the time you get the rough with the smooth. If his DS stops his 'access weekends' when will your DP see his son?

However, moaning about picking his son up is wrong. I'm independent drive my own car etc but if I was to call/text my dad and say "pick me up asap" he'd be here. He wouldn't worry about the fact it's two hours drive both ways he'd be here.

Also how old is DSS1 as in another thread started yesterday he is 17?

YANBU at all. How old is your ds? You sound desperate , maybe a chat with your dss would help.

His blatent favouritism towards his elder son must be badly affecting his younger one. The latter being 16 will be very aware that he is less important to/loved by his dad and be detrimental to his relationship with his older brother. That is wrong .
I don't understand why their mum doesn't have a go at their dad for his unequal treatment of her 2 sons.
If the oldest doesn't want to go camping, then dad doesn't want to go at all?! ! That is not right! Does he not realise how horrible he is being to the the other 2?

Why do you keep posting the same stuff over and over again, when you never take any of the advice given?

Agree with previous posters.
You've been told time and again that this guy is knob.
Either keep putting up with it and stop posting or leave the idiot as it's not doing you or your son any good.