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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send the baby off with an instruction manual?

51 replies

Thurlow · 14/07/2013 10:22

Next week the 18mo is off to spend a few days with BIL and SIL. She knows them, but hasn't stayed over at theirs before (has stayed several days at my parents). B&SIL have spent time with DD at ours but aren't aware of her 'routine', and she is quite a routine-y toddler - big meltdowns if she's tired, hungry etc., the usual stuff.

Don't see or talk to B&SIL much (not because I don't like them or anything, they're lovely just one of those things that we only see each other when DD is involved) and will be at work when they collect DD so won't have an opportunity to talk to them beforehand. How weird, or pfb, would it be to send an email explaining roughly what DD likes - when she has bottles, what times she likes to nap etc, best way to make sure she goes to sleep at night and stays asleep? I don't really care if they feed her McDonalds and Wispas every day, but I know she'll have a terrible night if she doesn't have a bedtime bottle. Or would it be weirder to send her to a couple who don't have kids yet without any explanation of how to manage the ins and outs of a toddler's day?

Honestly can't decide which choice is odder. MN jury please.

OP posts:
Smartieaddict · 14/07/2013 10:24

I would send her with instructions. It will be horrible for all involved if they don't know her routine!

Whothefuckfarted · 14/07/2013 10:24

YANBU.

curlew · 14/07/2013 10:26

Under the circumstances, perfectly sensible. But draft it, then get somebody else to read it before you send it. It is very easy to sound like a loon in such circumstances!

Original poster
Thurlow · 14/07/2013 10:26

Toddlers are finicky little things, aren't they. Miss some food and she'll be the whiniest, grumpiest thing. I was going to mention favourite foods etc as I thought it might be helpful to give an idea of how much she eats at each meal, but then thought that might be overkill.

SIL has loads of nieces and nephews but they live locally to her, so don't know if she's ever had them alone and overnight enough to know exactly what's what.

OP posts:
babyhmummy01 · 14/07/2013 10:27

Send a note with her routine better they have a happy child than grumpy or they may not offer again

PoppyWearer · 14/07/2013 10:30

YANBU but please word it in such a way that it doesn't come across as "you have to do x at y time or I will kill you". I babysat for someone like that once. Never again!

Word it as "here's some info to help/guide you, but ultimately it's up to you". Which sounds like what you're saying anyway.

What I find happens if other people look after my DCs is that they find new/helpful ways of doing things that I can then incorporate into our routine once the DCs are back with me. Or they discover foods I never expected my DCs to like!

MissOtisRegrets · 14/07/2013 10:31

It's very considerate of you to appreciate that they may want to do things differently than you. But YANBU to want to help make it easier for them.

Send the routine/instructions. Then they'll understand DD's meltdown if they decide to not follow it!

FannyFifer · 14/07/2013 10:34

Do you have to send her? Would imagine if would be rather stressful for everyone if she has never stayed overnight with them before

cheeseandpineapple · 14/07/2013 10:37

Would be weirder if you didn't send any helpful tips and info at all.

pinksummer · 14/07/2013 10:42

I looked after a friends 1yr old recently, and not having kids myself I really didn't have a clue. This may sound odd but an email can come across as very formal/planned out. The mum wrote 'instructions' down on a scrap of paper, with timings eg 9.30ish-bottle, 2ish-nap.

I think it made the mum come across as very relaxed, but just helped me with some guidelines throughout the day.

Trills · 14/07/2013 10:43

If I was looking after an 18 month old I would want an instruction manual.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2013 10:47

I have to ask, how well does she know them?

It seems a bit strange that she's going to people that she doesn't know that well (or who know her) for a few days.
Who's there for the 'handover'? Is it your DH? Can he talk them through the list?

SirBoobAlot · 14/07/2013 10:54

Honestly, I wouldn't do doing this. She doesn't see them that often, you don't know them very well, she's never stayed at their house before, they don't have children... And she's going off to spend a few days there?

ceeveebee · 14/07/2013 10:57

I definitely would give a rough outline of her normal day but then say they are free to flex it a bit - I have 2 toddler DCs of my own but if I look after a friend's similar age DC I will always ask about their routine - makes it easier for me if I know what they normally do and when

badguider · 14/07/2013 11:01

I'd send a note saying that they're free to do what they want in terms of activities, treats as it's a special/different situation but that here's her normal routine if they'd like to know what she's used to at home. Maybe also mark the items as 'really important' or 'just normal routine' so say - really important to have bottle at bedtime if she's going to sleep but just routine to have lunch at 12.

Original poster
Thurlow · 14/07/2013 11:11

I knew some people would say why is she going Grin Very happy for her to go, and its actually a week we're struggling with childcare so this is a huge help to us. SIL has loads of nieces and nephews and is a primary school teacher so I know she will take great care of her. DP will be there for the handover, of course he will tell her stuff, but I'm anal and would worry that he didn't mention the afternoon bottle or something.

I'll try not to mention anything other than 'has bottles at breakfast, tea and bedtime' etc. Badguider I like the difference between routine and really important, that's good, I'll do that.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 14/07/2013 11:11

definitely instructions so they know what she expects to happen at roughly what time, especially if she has internal clockwork. Also helps to know what things are flexible.

brave of them!

KateBeckett · 14/07/2013 11:12

My almost 2 year old niece is comig to stay at mine overnight in a couple of weeks and I am hoping for a brief outline of routine!!

To those sayi you wouldn't do it... That's your choice. I don't live near to my family but I do love them very much. I am lucky that my nieces parents trust me to take her overnight and I will do my level best to make sure she has a whale of a time! No, I don't have children of my own, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of looking after a toddler overnight! OP obviously trusts her bil & sil to take care of her dd and I'm sure they are looking forward to having time to bond with her!

prettybird · 14/07/2013 11:14

When I left ds with my parents and my SIL (they split the time) when he was 6 months old and again when he was 2, I did exactly this. I did a Word document (which I was able adapt the 2nd time) - what was/is nice is that it also serves as a permanent record of his routines.

They said they found it useful. I have no idea whether they followed them or totally ignored them - they were just offered as guidelines.

enormouse · 14/07/2013 11:18

YANBU, DP and I went away for a few days leaving DS (18/19mo at the time) with his grandparents and they asked for a note about his routine. It was quite brief,along the lines of -

"we thought we'd leave you with a small note about his routine. He generally wakes up around 7/8, needs breakfast straight away (usually beans on toast). He's not a morning person, btw. Lunch at 12.30-1.30ish. Dinner 6ish. Bath/bed/story at 7. He'll snack twice in the day (around 10am and 3pm) and might nap either before lunch or after depending on whenever he seems grumpy. He's pretty flexible and these are just loose guidelines to what he normally does.

List of food he doesn't like -peas and yoghurt
And he won't sleep without bunny.
Also his eczema cream is in his bag if his skin flares up

Thanks for looking after him - love Mr and Ms mouse"

I tried to keep it relaxed and not Gina fordish. Luckily DS is quite a go with the flow baby and didn't even realise we were gone. If you're off on holiday, enjoy yourself. Smile

MrsHoarder · 14/07/2013 11:19

I always leave a list with current "usual routine" times (I have a file on the computer which I tweak). Until a child is old enough to explain they are tired/hungry then its very useful for the responsible adult to look at a list and see its just gone start of naptime or usual tea time and that's why they have a cranky child.

I always make it clear that the list is for their benefit though and I'm not too fussed a about it being stuck to.

ChippingInGoAndyGo · 14/07/2013 11:24

All kids are different - you know your DD and I'm sure you wouldn't be sending her if you thought it would mean a huge therapy bill in years to come (for her or your B/SIL) Grin

Definitely definitely definitely write a few things down. Nap times, bottle times, food she loves/hates (even roughly how much and when). Favourite songs, games, cuddly etc.

Just word it carefully - ie 'If you don't want her still awake at midnight give her a bottle at x o'clock, read her y and leave the hall light on - easiest route to wine o'clock! She normally naps in her cot at 1 for 2 hours, but will sleep in the car/buggy - and is fine/she devil if she does' etc

Basically let them know you don't mind what they do - but xyz are her normal routines/sleep markers etc and if they don't do them they may make like very difficult for themselves.

Indith · 14/07/2013 11:27

Brief outline totally normal. My mum has had my children loads and likes to have them for a week during school holidays etc and she still always checks normal routine, food likes and dislikes etc to make sure nothing has changed.

apostropheuse · 14/07/2013 11:28

YANBU

I think you're being perfectly sensible to do the list in this situation. If I were the one receiving the list I would be happy with it.

Just don't come across as too dogmatic with it and keep it as simple as possible, with allowance for flexibility if necessary.

ZingWidge · 14/07/2013 11:30

yes, giving them a "instructions manual" is a good idea.

I've done it before.

make sure you add his date of birth and gp details.
also a contact number for out of hours - just in case there's an emergency.

pack Calpol, Dentinox if teething and whatever you use for a nappy rash.