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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that since I spent my first child free Saturday in months helping my friend decorate she should have offered to drive me home?

81 replies

WeAreEternal · 13/07/2013 21:19

I live 15 miles away from where my friend.

There is no direct bus between our towns, you have to go via another town and get a connecting bus, so the journey takes two hours and fourty five minutes. There is also a 55 minute wait between the busses, so all in all the journey takes two hours and fourty minutes.

There are only three busses each day that tally up with the connecting busses, otherwise there would be an even longer wait.

I traveled through this morning and I dropped subtle hints about wanting a lift, but she never offered.

I have been scraping paper, putting up paper, painting and sanding all day, I am exhausted, and now I have a really long journey home, on my own this late at night.

I know that I should have asked for a lift, but I think that is rude so I wouldn't, and I know it isn't her responsibility to drive me (I can't drive ATM for medical reasons) but since I have spent my first child free Saturday in several months helping her decorate then she could have offered to drive me home.

Honestly I might not have even accepted, ok I probably would have done.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 14/07/2013 08:09

I would never have agreed to that

Inertia · 14/07/2013 08:15

She sounds mean.

You could have asked for a lift back - maybe by saying that you would need to get the bus back at 5 but if she dropped you home you could help until 8.

ComtessedeFrouFrou · 14/07/2013 08:17

OP you are FAR too nice. Do you often find yourself in this sort of situation?

FairhairedAndFrustrated · 14/07/2013 10:04

Don't be a martyr.

If you didn't want to do it, knowing the travel arrangements etc then you should have said no.

Easy for me to say after the event & from the comfort of my own home where I have the benefit of hindsight Wink

raisah · 14/07/2013 10:09

if you were my friend I would have MADE you stay over and cooked you a nice breakfast & then driven you back.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 14/07/2013 10:14

Sorry you had a horrid time but I think you should have been a bit more assertive. Either she is scatty and thoughtless but basically nice in which case you need to spell out what you need and ask for a lift home or she is not very nice in which case don't waste your time on her.

pictish · 14/07/2013 10:41

I have to comment, even though I feel I will be shot down. So be it.

OP - don't martyr yourself out to your friends. £24 is a lot to spend, along with the long journeys, to help someone else decorate. You say as much yourself.
I consider myself a good friend...loyal and caring and willing to go the extra mile when required, but I wouldn't have done what you did. She didn't ask you to help her, you offered. You put yourself in the position of spending out in money, time and effort.
Given that you volunteered, I suppose she would have assumed you had it all covered and had made your peace with whatever you had planned for yourself. It was all your own free choice.

Only now, you've come on here complaining about the long journeys, the cost, her lack of graciousness in offering you a lift back home, feeling put out, because you did her a favour. You offered to do this!! You knew how long the bus took, you knew how much it cost, and yet you willingly put yourself forward without prompting, to undertake this task that no one asked you to do!!

My advice to you would be to stop offering yourself up so selflessly, and next time put conditions on your time. Tell her you'll help if she drops you home again - that way she can say no if she likes. Everyone saying what a cow she is - I think that's a bit harsh.

The OP needs some self preservation if anything. Imo.

pictish · 14/07/2013 10:45

In summary - you are highlighting cost, time, effort...the fact that it is your first child free Saturday in ages....on and on about the sacrifices you have made.
No one asked you to.

Don't do it, then complain about it. That's not right.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 14/07/2013 10:49

I didn't mind getting the bus really, it was just that I felt she should have at least offered.
I know she was also tired, and it would have taken her 40ish minutes to drive to my town and back, which she probably couldn't be bothered to do, but compared to my journey, which ended up being over 3 hours with walking times from the bus stop and delays, it really wouldn't have been that bad.

I think if I had asked she probably would have driven me, but I don't think she wanted to, and getting the bus wasn't so bad, I just didn't enjoy the wait between busses and getting home so late.

But at the end of the day I made it home fine, so it's all ok now.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/07/2013 10:50

I would've offered you a lift home btw. I would've felt obliged to.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 14/07/2013 11:01

pictish

I wasn't complaining about the cost, I just said I didn't want to stay over and have to pay double to go home today.

I was happy to give my time, travel to he home and help her, I never said that I didn't want to to do any of those things. She is my friend and I wanted to help her.

I started this thread because I was alone on a bus and not looking forward to the long journey in the middle of the night, and I just fancied a bit of a moan because i was tired and I had hoped she would offer a lift.

If she still needed help I would do exactly the same thing next weekend without question.

OP posts:
Wbdn28 · 14/07/2013 11:58

Maybe she knows that she'd help you out decorating if you needed it, and would make her own travel arrangements. In other words she'd do just the same if the situation was reversed.

I think you should have just asked outright. If she's a good friend she wouldn't have minded at all. Dropping hints isn't a great way to go as it often just leads to misunderstandings.

pigletmania · 14/07/2013 12:19

Omg op she sounds awful, you helped her all day of your time, that's the least she could have done. No more help for her, it personally would be a dealbreaker in a friendship, that after helping her, she is happy for you to sit in a bus station for nearly 1 hour for the bus, and that you had a long journey home. Nice friend not!

pigletmania · 14/07/2013 12:22

Of course Pictish, after a friend has given up a whole day of their time to help you, tats the least you could do!

pigletmania · 14/07/2013 12:26

Op has every right to feel miffed, she is a person with feelings, and of course wants to be appreciated for her time

pigletmania · 14/07/2013 14:33

And she dident buy yo lunch too Shock. Don't help her next time, don't ask her for help. Opmis right to have a moan, why should she suck it up. Te 'friend' was bloody rude!

jessjessjess · 14/07/2013 14:36

Well, she should have offered, but YABU to complain when you just hinted instead of ask

Shrugged · 14/07/2013 14:47

Your friend was selfish and thoughtless, and sounds rather mean into the bargain. However, not meaning to sound harsh, your behaviour contributed to the situation, with all that indirectness and hinting about how you weren't going to enjoy the wait between buses, rather than asking her for a lift! Or making your help conditional on a lift at least one way. You can't change someone else's behaviour, but you can at least stop yourself being taken for a ride.

I mean, you offered to come and help, which was lovely, but would asking for a lift really have been much worse than realising you spent your only child free day helping someone who has thoroughly exploited you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2013 15:00

"But at the end of the day I made it home fine, so it's all ok now."
No, it's not all OK. Your friend is happy for you to spend 5 hours plus travelling to her house and back to help her with decorating, and she wasn't even prepared to feed you as a thank you Angry!

"She is a good friend and a lovely person but she can be a little 'tight' when it come to doing something for someone when she doesn't want/need to do it.
But if I asked her to help me decorate I know that she would come and help."
Unless of course she didn't want to/need to do it, in which case she wouldn't.

This woman is a parasite not a friend.

pigletmania · 14/07/2013 15:26

I agree where, op should not have needed to hint, a good friend would have offered a lift no problem. Sorry this would be a dealbreaker in a friendship.

pigletmania · 14/07/2013 15:29

No it's not ok, don't help out this friend again, or specify what you wish to happen e.g I can come and help you, but would you give me a Lift back as it will be a long journey.

taleteller · 14/07/2013 16:27

Have just logged onto computer and OP I am glad to read that you made it home safely. Apart from anything else, your friend was happy to see you travelling alone late at night, waiting at bus stations etc for hours. That isn't nice. I assume you were in a nice "safe" area but all the same I wouldn't do that to any of my friends if I could have driven them home and come back in 40 minutes.

Did she call today to thank you again and check you were okay?

Lomaamina · 14/07/2013 17:22

You ADNBU. I feel for you, really. A not dissimilar thing happened to DH and me 20 years ago, when we drove 45 minutes to 'help' a friend assemble a complicated IKEA piece of furniture, only for her to sit watching us struggle for 5 hours solid whilst she made the occasional cup of a tea and a biscuit. We expected her to pitch in and help and at the least, offer us a slap-up meal in return.

Your case is worse. Fancy having to take such a long journey at night and at such expense! Having been car-less myself for many years in my single days, I know that feeling of being shy about asking for lifts, as I couldn't reciprocate, so you shouldn't feel bad at not having asked. She should have offered to take you or paid for a taxi. What a miserable journey you must have had.

Please don't let this 'friend' do this to you again. It's simply taking advantage of your good-will. I'm sure you did this wholeheartedly, but if you felt hard-done by at the time, it's a sure sign you were! If you do it again next weekend, she'll think this is acceptable behaviour.

libertine73 · 14/07/2013 18:07

So, total of 6 hours on a bus to help someone decorate their house??!!

Are you mad?

but in answer to your question, she should definitely have brought you home, if not both ways, ungrateful bag.

SueDoku · 14/07/2013 19:46

Did she call today to thank you again and check you were okay?
This is important - if this woman is a friend, she will, at the very least, have rung you today to check that you got home okay.
(Personally, I'd have rung her when I got in at midnight "just to reassure you that I got home safely as I knew you'd worry"......)
Think carefully OP about whether she is a friend or just using you.