And preventing my MiL from bonding with her DGS?

[WillYouDoTheFandango]

MiL used to be a bit of a PITA but has been fine since DS was born. Her own mother has been really critical so I can only presume that she remembers how terrible it was when DP and his DB were younger and is keeping her opinions to herself.

Backstory: DP's DB has a DS (2.5y), he was a surprise baby and BiL, SiL and DN split their time between MiL and SiL's DM's house until they got one of their own. This meant that MiL was around DN for long periods of time from birth and spends 3-4 days per week with MiL even now.

Our DS is 6 months, MiL has had him to stay overnight once (under duress, I didn't want to leave him with anyone at that point) and for an hour while I went to the gym once. For balance my DM has had him 4 times (2 x o/n, 2 x gym session). MiL visits once a week for a couple of hours and we chat while she plays with DS. DP sees her every 1-2 weeks as she comes when he's at work. I trust her completely to look after DS.

Yesterday DP got a tearful phonecall from his DM at work. She hasn't been this week and hasn't called to say why. She feels that she hasn't bonded with DS as she doesn't get to be alone with him and so wants to start taking him one set full day a week. DP immediately told her this was a no go, I'm on maternity leave still and he knew I'd never agree to that. So she wants to start taking him for long walks while I do the cleaning or shopping or so I can go to the gym.

The second idea is sensible at least and it sounds like a good plan. I'm just about getting to the stage where I am ready to leave him for an hour or two and the jobs are piling up. So I wont cut my nose off to spite my face. But I do object to her going over my head rather than discussing it with me when she saw me. She has a history of crying to get her own way and this obviously works better on DP than on me.

AIBU to want her to have discussed this like a grown up rather than throwing a paddy and pulling rank? Also do others think it's necessary for a baby to spend 1-on-1 time with DGPs at such a young age in order to "bond"? I was a bit at the suggestion that it will affect their future relationship if she doesn't get her own way.

curlew

I'm sure there are many "precious" DILs out there.

The OP doesn't seem to be one though and she hasn't stopped MIL from bonding at all.

Would you phone up your son crying because your needs have not been sufficiently met despite the fact that you get plenty of time with a grandchild, simply because it doesn't meet your expectations? No one has acted "precious" in this scenario apart from the MIL.

It is all about her wants - that is selfish and not how a grandparent should be supporting the family.

With all this don't feel
Pressurised, I learnt a few things on maternity leave- I didn't want to leave my baby but still wanted to get hair cut now and again so someone put it- use and abuse for ur own benefit. I think the Bonding thing is a bit strange - all kids just want their mums and dads at the end of the day but the offer for some babysitting is good. I thought mil was comin over today as she hasn't seen ds for 6weeks but the weather was too good to come over- couldn't believe it!

One aspect that I think is quite unhelpful is her fist dgc - I think that as she has been acting as a co-parent (regardless of any advice offered to S/BIL she has taken on lots of hours of sole care), her only other parenting experience has been with her own children so she doesn't see that actually you are offering a perfectly normal grandparent relationship.

She may not know how she will bond with your baby because she has never experienced it. However silly she is coming across she might feel legitimate worry she won't be able to have the same kind of relationship as she does with dgc1 - many parents go through this when having second children - and doesn't realise she actually shouldn't be expecting to because so far she hasn't actually been a grandparent, she has been a heavily involved almost 3rd parent.

Mix that all together with her being a drama llama and a bit of a wally and you end up getting phoned at work by your sobbing mother

You aren't restricting the contact that works for your son. No 6 month old needs to be away from their mother in order to bond with anybody.
Keeping your boundaries will do more good for future relations than giving in and growing a resentment.
You will be happier, gm will bond in the time agreed and most importantly your son will have a stable unit of people that love him and know where they stand.
She has kept a reign on her bad behaviour, keep on with your firm boundaries of what's acceptable to help her continue.
You and your DH are on the same page and if you can compromise (well you can as mentioned, if she can agree) then it should help everyone find a happy medium.

Use her in the way it suits you - if it was me, I'd agree to a couple of hours a week two or three times a week to go the gym. Whole day not necessary etc at this age but maybe appropriate at around 2 years? If she has him 2 x 3 hours a week he'll be very familiar - could also visit as a family at weekend. Again with overnights I would jump at that free babysitting to go out with DH but once a week might be a bit often at 6 months.... Don't dwell on it or get upset just work out how to use to your advantage!

I think, if you feel like she should have come straight to you and been a grown up, then you need to go straight to her and say that you don't feel comfortable with him going to her for full days so that isn't going to happen but maybe she could take him out for a walk as she has suggested, for an hour or two.

Your son is still very young to be away from you for long periods of time so I wouldn't be happy with the full day set up either in your shoes.DD2 is 8 months old and I've probably had 5 hours away from her in total (3 occasions). I'm not being PSB, she is a Mummy's girl, ebf and won't take a bottle.

Playing devils advocate though, why does she have to speak to you and not the child's other parent.?

A granny here ....and I do not think you are being unreasonable to be cross.

Firstly ...there is no "head to go over"! and zero "rank to pull", because NO-ONE outranks you when it comes to your baby!! Luckily your husband obviously knows that Your MIL chose to talk about her issues directly with him, but he backed your wishes 100%.
Do not be held to ransom by these ultimatums!!
Grandparents do not need to be alone with their hrandchild to bond. Full stop. I have had babysat for my GC on seberal occasions as his mum hyas become more confident about leaving him ....but she only developed that confidence because I was around when she was!! I visit ...she cleans ... or irons ...I make sure DG is happy / We share....and chat together when DG is cheerfully playing!!
We go shopping ....she shops, I entertain the passenger in the trolley

Please don't let yourself be held to ransom over this. One on one time is something that happens as needed, or as it works for you .....not an entitlement for GPs and absolutely not a necessity!!!
Don't leave your baby until you are happy about it.

WaitakereWaif you sound like the perfect grandparent. How unreasonable it is to expect every DIL to single-handedly create the perfect access situation you describe, without a mature and loving MIL on the other side. Maybe you should write a book and those of us who are less fortunate in our MIL can give them out as Christmas presents :)

Curlew, which "defensive dil" are you referring to? The op sounds very reasonable.

Or are you of the automatic mil defender brigade that lurks on MN, who refuse to consider each case as it stands?

bollocks she needs to spend one on one time with him.

what exactly about your presence is ruining bonding between them

winkywinkola- you generalised about "all these desperate gps". So I generalised back about "all these defensive dils"

And I don't see any automatic mil defenders. What I see is that if someone wrote "My MIL......." and accidentally pressed "post" without writing anything else, there would be 10 posts saying "how dare she, the toxic bitch" before the OP had finished typing "has just had her living room painted pale yellow- and is wondering what colour curtains to buy, any ideas?" Or "has just saved my child's life by her expert knowledge of CPR" or has asked me what I want for my birthday- what shall I ask for ?" Or "has just told me a fantastic joke I want to share"

All these desperate GPS - I was referring to the ops and my dcs gps actually.

And really? You think you'd get a barrage of kill the bitch mil posts just from mentioning the word mil? Try it. Let's do an experiment.

I think there are just as many problematic dils as there are difficult mils.

The wisest piece of advice I have ever seen on mumsnet is simply this: "be kind". I completely understand where the op is coming from as I have a similar MIL myself. She drives me mad, makes me feel like I am keeping her DGS from her BUT she loves him and they enjoy spending time together. Personally I think that, within reason, and without doing anything that makes you uncomfortable, it would do no harm to say yes to her request. It would be the kind thing to do.

"
"I think there are just as many problematic dils as there are difficult mils."

So do I. But it's just you and me on Mumsnet!

I agree.

I was very possessive of my PFB & could barely stand my mum to hold her, let alone my MIL.

But often the "problem" is that you just don't get on as well with your MIL & naturally turn to your mum first.

It's not a slight.

I think also some MILs are so fearful of being "second best" that they ruin any existing relationship.

My MIL isn't 2nd best GM.

But she isn't & never will be as important to me as my own mum.

The crying thing is a bit weird, 10year olds do that, not adults.

My parents didn't see DD until she was 4 months old, they have a great bond with her. They isn't need one-on-one time or overnight says to do this. In fact, DF has said that they were wondering how the bond would develop and whether it would be "love at first sight" or take a while to develop. In their case it was th former. DD loves them and they love her.

I don't agree with the way the mil has gone about this at all. There was no need for an emotional confrontation when a calm conversation with either her son or dil would have sufficed. I think she is expecting far too much too soon due to her relationship born out of necessity with her other dgc.

All of this said, I think it all comes from a place of anxiety that she won't have the same relationship with the ops child which is actually quite nice. After reading all the threads on here where the pil favour other gc it's good to hear mil is making it clear that the ops dc is just as important to her as her other gc, she's just going about it the completely wrong way!

I do very much agree though that the mil seems to only know how to bond with her gc by actually playing the mothers role rather than the role of a gm. Although maybe not her fault, this is not at all fair on the op. I think a conversation needs to be had to question this as otherwise it will cause endless problems.

I'm quite often on MIL's side and do tend to try and gently call out precious or pfbness.

Two things though -
By virtue of being a mil you know these are women who have done it before, they have been the first time mum trying to find a parenting groove and adjust to all that having a new person entails. Most reasonable people will remember that and try to make it a bit easier. There are plenty of stories of MILs saying the equivalent of 'count your blessings my mil/dm was terrible' while doing the exact same thing.
I do think grandparents should be held to slightly higher standards than, say, an over enthusiastic sil who doesn't yet have any dc.

Secondly why is it so frowned on here to be closer to your own mother? People have said to op's that they are unreasonable for this. I have boys and girls, I certainly do not expect future wives to find me a replacement for their own mum when they are having a baby or are ill. Or to give me equal access on pain of tantrum when they are knackered, sore, needing to get boobs and bits out - it would be lovely to be close enough to be able to offer that comfort but can completely understand wanting your own mum. That's not to say we won't have a good relationship (or try to) but why would you think it is unreasonable to not be given equal footing? In the same way I wouldn't turn my son away and tell him to take it up with his mil.
An adjustment for me as a parent will be letting them go, but I will bloody well expect him to be loyal to his wife and stand by the mother of his child - if that means telling me no, so be it but I don't want a son that runs after me at the expense of his family. There's plenty of that on here too 'I don't want to lend family all our savings, mil pressuring DH' or 'inlaws have never spent time with our dc and think I'm unreasonable to not let her go on a 2 week holiday with them. DH has caved to his mother and insists I say no as he can't'.

There are some shockingly awful people posted about here and selection bias means there will mostly be awful mils in exactly the same way there seems to be no decenct husband in the country - but we know that's not the case.

No its pants.

My DC see both sets of GPs about once a month and have bonded fine, DS1 loves them and chats on the phone all the time. DS2 is a bit smallwe but also seems to love seeing them. I've never left either of them overnight and the oldest is nearly 4, its not compulsory. (except when DS2 was born ! )

DS1 sees his uncles even less and its still excited to Skype the one who he never really sees as he lives a very long plane ride away.

It's your baby, take the help that suits you, not what MIL demands.

Just to update: Popped round to MiL's with DS and she nonchalantly said "If you ever fancy an hour or two to yourself feel free to give me a ring as I'd love to have DGS for an hour or so, maybe take him for a nice walk in the pram." Now if she'd done that last bloody week she'd have saved me a thread I of course said "Oh that'd be lovely, I'll give you a ring in the week and may pop to the gym or something."

Then she mentioned taking him out for the day to a seaside town an hour plus away and must have seen from my face that I wasn't comfortable with that and said maybe next summer when he's a bit older, which I'd also be happy with.

In conclusion, I was capable of being reasonable and so was she!

oh good! BTW, I was thinking about this earlier. Because DS was bfed, DH didn't get more than 2 hours alone with him before DS was 6 months, in fact DS was nearly a year old before DH had a whole day with DS without me being there.

Sorry, posted too soon!

But although DH hadn't had 'alone' time with DS, he was still bonded with him. DD is now 5 weeks old, and again, DH hasn't had any time with her when I've not been there too (at least in another part of the house) but they are bonding well.

The idea that you need time alone being in sole charge of a child to bond with them is quite frankly nonsense, I'm sure there's lots of other families like ours where due to bfeeding the Dad doesn't get more than a couple of hours in a stretch in sole charge of their baby, yet have a great relationship with them.

Don't let anyone try to push you into thinking that the only way for someone to bond with a child is to have time alone with them.

Agree with curlew - the voice of sanity. Out of interest what are your childcare plans when you return to work? Are you really saying you are happy to leave your baby in a nursery for 7-8 hours a day but struggle with a loving DGM looking after her for half a day or so - sounds odd to me. And wouldn't you like to have DGM on board in case your DD is ever unwell and can't go to nursery?

There does seem to be so much anti-MIL feeling on Mumsnet, and much of it is totally unreasonable .

I would have loved to have my parents or MIL near me when I had my baby - none were near enough to ever help out with childcare or even just to spend time with their DGC.

That sounds much more sensible. The idea of grandparents needing regular time alone with a baby "to bond" sounds bonkers, they haven't got the hang of the fact that they are not a parent this time round. My kids' grandparents lived several hours away so they saw the kids whenever it was convenient for all involved.
Now the kids are teenagers they go over and stay with the grandparents in the holidays, go away with them without a parent etc. It hasn't impaired the bonding at all. The grandparent/ aunt etc bond is completely different to the parent child bond.
The best way for grandparents to have a good life long relationship with their grandchildren is to get on well with their adult children and their spouses and offer help when needed, not try and push the surrogate parent angle.