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AIBU?

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Original poster

And preventing my MiL from bonding with her DGS?

118 replies

WillYouDoTheFandango · 13/07/2013 11:18

MiL used to be a bit of a PITA but has been fine since DS was born. Her own mother has been really critical so I can only presume that she remembers how terrible it was when DP and his DB were younger and is keeping her opinions to herself.

Backstory: DP's DB has a DS (2.5y), he was a surprise baby and BiL, SiL and DN split their time between MiL and SiL's DM's house until they got one of their own. This meant that MiL was around DN for long periods of time from birth and spends 3-4 days per week with MiL even now.

Our DS is 6 months, MiL has had him to stay overnight once (under duress, I didn't want to leave him with anyone at that point) and for an hour while I went to the gym once. For balance my DM has had him 4 times (2 x o/n, 2 x gym session). MiL visits once a week for a couple of hours and we chat while she plays with DS. DP sees her every 1-2 weeks as she comes when he's at work. I trust her completely to look after DS.

Yesterday DP got a tearful phonecall from his DM at work. She hasn't been this week and hasn't called to say why. She feels that she hasn't bonded with DS as she doesn't get to be alone with him and so wants to start taking him one set full day a week. DP immediately told her this was a no go, I'm on maternity leave still and he knew I'd never agree to that. So she wants to start taking him for long walks while I do the cleaning or shopping or so I can go to the gym.

The second idea is sensible at least and it sounds like a good plan. I'm just about getting to the stage where I am ready to leave him for an hour or two and the jobs are piling up. So I wont cut my nose off to spite my face. But I do object to her going over my head rather than discussing it with me when she saw me. She has a history of crying to get her own way and this obviously works better on DP than on me.

AIBU to want her to have discussed this like a grown up rather than throwing a paddy and pulling rank? Also do others think it's necessary for a baby to spend 1-on-1 time with DGPs at such a young age in order to "bond"? I was a bit Hmm at the suggestion that it will affect their future relationship if she doesn't get her own way.

OP posts:
twinklyfingers · 13/07/2013 15:16

YANBU

I'm not sure why it is thought to be acceptable for someone, even a grandparent, to effectively announce "I want to have your child to myself."

Your mil will get plenty of time to bond with gc during normal visits and babysitting when you have a function to go to or something, if it is convenient for her of course. My own mil is concerned that she and fil will not be as close to my dd as my parents as they will be looking after her twice a week when I return to work. Fortunately, relationships between normal human beings do not work like some sort of counter that clocks up time which equates to amount of love someone feels.

lordleofric · 13/07/2013 15:45

YANBU and what Flank said.

LJL69 · 13/07/2013 15:54

I really dont believe you need 1 2 1 time to bond. My step dads parents lived 400 miles away and so only got to see them when we or they visited when I was young. It was more about how my nana treated me that built the bond. She always was interested in what I was doing/saying, always made a point of having my favourite drinks etc in when we visited. Once I was old enough to make my own travel plans I would go and visit and also called her most Sundays. Not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to. When she died it was awful, but in her shopping bag they found her most recent list and on it was to buy a photo frame for my graduation photo. (It was just before my finals so she had faith in me!) The bond we had was very strong and she was my step GP. So really what I am trying to say is it has nothing to do with time spent alone or in quantity, but everything to do with how someone treats you as a child and makes you feel special and wanted in their lives.

Jenijena · 13/07/2013 15:54

I had four grandparents til
I was 21; up to that point I had one overnight with my paternal grandparents (when they stayed at our house when my parents were at an interview), a night when my sister was born when my maternal grandparents came to stay, and about six hours with my maternal grandparents when I was in my early teens and my mum and dad were invited to something near their house. This is the sum total of time I ever spent alone with any of them.

Yanbu. Frankly, I found going to the shops for half an hour and leaving my baby with DH hard enough in the early months. A baby is not a toy to be passed around, it is your child and you can do exactly (within the law) what you wish with them. One full day a week? What planet is she on? I

Sparklysilversequins · 13/07/2013 15:58

"Have a few hours a week to yourself and enjoy that time".

No. I will be going back to work soon and will have loads of time to be away from my baby then thanks! Would be my answer to that.

If someone doesn't feel comfortable leaving their child why should they be forced to so someone else gets a turn? And on a SET day once a week?

OP doesn't WANT to leave her baby and have this arrangement and its not for anyone else to make her.

DoJo · 13/07/2013 17:35

I think it's the crying and suggesting a fairly large chunk of time that is the problem, not the fact that the MIL wants to see her grandchild! If she was upset about something, why not wait till she'd calmed down before calling her son unless it was to use her emotional state to get what she wanted. And why open up the discussion by suggesting one set full day a week when that is possibly not going to be convenient and hasn't been even mooted before. particularly when it would seem much more sensible to suggest her second option which would be a better compromise and could ramp up the mythical 'bonding' process much better? I can see why you're annoyed OP, and that the compromise is a good one, but don't allow her to dictate her interactions with your son unless you and your husband are happy with them too.

pigletmania · 13/07/2013 18:10

My goodness I am not looking forward to being a MIL, seems they can do no right, either they are criticised for not seeing their grandchildren enough, or in this case, they want to spend some time with their grandchild. I know grandparents do not have rights tothe child, but it is in the chids best interests to know their wider family (unless they are violent, abusive, toxic). I think that op came up with a good middle ground, leaving him for a couple of hours with her

jellybeans · 13/07/2013 18:28

I would say no to demands like that. My MIL demanded to have DD alone from a week old and to take her abroad without us. I declined. However my MIL was a complete bitch!!!

flossy101 · 13/07/2013 18:31

Yanbu.

The couple of hrs thing sounds like a good compromise, I wouldn't agree to the set day thing either. We see my parents once a week for couple of hrs and same with PIL.

ouryve · 13/07/2013 18:38

She sounds like a bit of a drama queen, tbh,

My parents are 100 miles away, both boys have ASD and don't travel well and consequently, we see them every couple of months, at the most. DS1 gets on wonderfully with my mum, at 9.

curlew · 13/07/2013 18:41

Why shouldn't she talk to her son about this? He is the baby's parent too!

ChunkyPickle · 13/07/2013 18:48

I think that talking to her son was the right thing to do - I actually find it annoying that I'm the contact point for everything (DP is forgetful, so I can see why, but still).

I also think that she's trying to strike a useful compromise, and it's probably worth taking her up on it.

However, you don't need the alone time to bond - especially not super young. MIL didn't even meet DS until he was a year, and now (despite having no alone time with her until she started taking him to sing-song club when he was about 14 months) they absolutely dote on each other - DS (nearly 3) adores her and his grandad, and they spoil him rotten.

WinkyWinkola · 13/07/2013 18:57

Ah the thick laying on of guilt with tears.

She's being manipulative.

Why can't all these desperate gps stop being so desperate and just behave normally?

I'm sure your mil will get plenty of time with your ds. Don't let him stay there again if you're not 100% happy about it.

daftdame · 13/07/2013 19:01

My advice would be to ignore the emotional blackmail. Your DH has dealt with this aspect.

Smile sweetly and thank her for looking after your DS, while you have some me time (at your convenience) and put it down to a mad granny moment.

diddl · 13/07/2013 19:10

Would make me feel like cutting off my nose to spite my face tbh!

Of course there's nothing wrong with her speaking to her son-but it was something she could have asked OP-and no need for the tears.

She was the one who hadn't visited-she hadn't been told she couldn't.

It's all about her & what she wants to do, isn't it?

Original poster
WillYouDoTheFandango · 13/07/2013 19:11

Okay so consensus is that DP should be her point of contact, but I'd rather she'd spoken to him before it got to crying down the phone as willyoudothefandango won't let her bond with the baby. She has never mentioned wanting to see him more/alone.

I want to reiterate that I have never complained about her wanting to see him or denied that she's a great GM. I just don't want to be told I have to hand over a 7th of my precious time with DS for the short time I am in mat leave.

OP posts:
daftdame · 13/07/2013 19:31

I would say you don't have to hand ds over. People often do behave badly. I was amazed when my own mother woke my ds up from his sleep and argued with my brother over perfectly reasonable parenting.

It does seem to be something grandparents go through. My mil is no saint either, plenty of examples of atrocious behaviour.

However if you think she is able to care for your ds well enough, you could ignore all this and just take the bits you like. Or not...up to you entirely.

WinkyWinkola · 13/07/2013 19:53

Another great thread to teach us all how NOT to behave as gps.

pianodoodle · 13/07/2013 21:27

I don't see this thread as a reason for anyone to say MILs can do no right etc... And how they're not looking forward to being one.

Just don't go crying to your son with problems about DIL you haven't mentioned before?!

I'm sure you'll be fine as long as you don't start acting all dickish.

DontmindifIdo · 13/07/2013 21:40

So let me get this right - you invite her over into your home every week when DP isn't there and host her, allowing her time with her DGC, but because you are there as well, she doesn't think this is good enough and she needs to see DGC weekly without you? You've weekly extended hospitality to this woman without your DP there in order so she can bond with her DGC and she's basically said "no, I don't want to have to deal with WillYou, I want the child handed over to me alone."

I'd find that a little insulting, and would reconsider having her over without DP there again because she's obviously doesn't want to spend time with you. If she's not capable to bond with a child playing with them weekly, then that's her problem, not yours.

Don't feel bullied into doing what she wants because of what BIL and SIL did, it doesn't sound like they gave her a lot of time with DN because they wanted to do it for MIL, it sounds like they did it because they needed the help. You don't, and do you think they would have done that if they didn't need to?

BangOn · 13/07/2013 22:06

Don't let her manipulate you.

It's weird for a gp to be demanding alone time with a gc. Her primary goal should be doing whatever she can to support you both as new parents: if that happens to involve her spending time with your ds alone then great. If not, that shouldn't be a problem for her. She's puttig the cart before the horse imo.

curlew · 13/07/2013 22:23

"Why can't all these desperate gps stop being so desperate and just behave normally? "

Or, why can't all these defensive DILs stop being so precious and behave normally?"

Works both ways, you know!

fabergeegg · 13/07/2013 22:37

YNBU

She absolutely went over your head. You are the person at home with the baby, so if she took him out for a day, you're the parent that would be affected. Furthermore, it sounds like you are the person MIL has been chatting with where the baby is concerned. Crying to her son is spectacularly immature and ill-judged. It puts your son in an awkward position (which woman does he choose to support?) and she's made it harder for you two to work together about your access to the baby - since she will obviously run crying to your hubbie if she's not offered the deal she wants.

I think GP bonding is a lot of rubbish. GPs always bond, sooner or later. They're irreplaceable. But they don't have a right to have weekly input.

If you don't need anyone to look after your baby and you have no wish for free time, that's your prerogative. You're the one who carried him and you're probably the one he needs to be with at this point. I've noticed grandparents are playing their violins a lot more recently and harping on about their rights. Where children are concerned there aren't any rights, only responsibilities. Their responsibility is not to create dissent but to support the family unit at the direction of the parents, as and when they're able. And of course, provided it doesn't happen all the time, they should spoil their grandchildren rotten when they do see them.

fabergeegg · 13/07/2013 22:40

And why is your MIL viewing you as a threat? At six months, your baby will not be able to give her more satisfaction if she sees him alone.

curlew · 13/07/2013 22:42

It's only "going over her head" if you regard the father as the senior parent. Hmm

What is actually is,ins her talking to her son. I realise that a woman having a relationship with her son is considered unreasonable behaviour by many dils, but still.....