ILs have spilled the beans in my baby news.

[Bathjelly]

IABU to go my mile? I'm only 9 weeks and have had congratulations from extended family and friends ( who we hadn't planned on telling until i'd had my scan). We would have liked to tell them ourselves.
We told ILs, and asked them specifically not to tell anyone else yet. Am I making too much of this? Should I just let it go?

If somebody tells me something in confidence and says 'don't tell anyone'. Why would I tell anyone? You want that one person to know-not all and sundry.

I wouldn't dream of telling anyone that early on in the pregnancy and that includes parents/inlaws.

OP, YANBU. And I absolutely wouldn't be telling MIL any secrets any time soon.

I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant and have still only told very close family and friends. I made it very clear to everyone we've told that we will not be doing a big FB announcement or anything. Even DH knows that he's absolutely free to put something on FB if he wants, but he's not to tag me in it (we don't have many mutual FB friends).

And everyone even my gossipy sister has managed to stick with that. My mum has even asked me if she can tell close-ish family and has kept her mouth shut when I asked her to wait a few days until we got some test results back.

I feel very lucky, especially when it seems that so many people don't see it as important to keep a secret when asked

YY AShoe, to be fair we didn't tell anyone at all until about 11/12 weeks, when we'd already had 3 scans. And we only told then because of family visiting from abroad.

YY Toby it is important to keep secrets when asked, I really wouldn't dream of telling anyone something I had been told in confidence, and that includes DH.

I DO think it is important that people keep secrets. I hate it when people tell me secrets because quite frankly if something (with regards to family and friends) isn't in the public domain I would rather not know than have a burden of a secret. But I keep it

What I'm saying is that I understand that people don't.

And there have been loads of threads on here about secrets such as if a best friend told you a secret would you tell your DH and I am always shocked by the people that say yes they would.

YANBU - my mum did this with my first two pregnancies (we should have learned to not tell her anything the first time round), when the second ended in a miscarriage, I made her tell everyone she'd blabbed too. Apparently, she found that really upsetting, well tough shit, she created that situation, I wouldn't have told yet that I was pregnant so I didn't see why I should have to do the horrible phone calls. Even more upsetting for me was a few weeks after my miscarriage my Grandmother died, at her funeral, all and sundry were coming up to say how sorry they were, not just at my Grandmother's death but also the miscarriage. I didn't need that.

with my third pregnancy, we told MIL early on, but waiting until after we'd had a scan to tell my parents. She was apparently a little miffed when she realised MIL knew first, and that after telling them I put it on facebook about an hour later so she missed out on telling the family...

We really limit their access to information now, which is hard as it means I don't feel I can discuss whats going on in my life with them until it's ready for public consumption.

This sort of stuff really annoys me. Surely it's just not the done thing to disclose news about someone else's pregnancy before the 12 week scan, no matter who it is? I have been told about friends' pregnancies very early on but didn't breathe a word to anyone else about them. Why should I? It is not on at all. Grrr! I am annoyed on your behalf OP.

This happened to me but with my Granny. We told her at 5 weeks and said please keep it quiet. She doesn't really show her emotions and said 'oh' when I told her, the next thing I know I'm getting cards and cheques from all my Irish side (many of whom I've not seen since I was weeny!) saying congrats and how Granny is so excited!

I was a little annoyed at first but figured it was her way of showing her excitement. If it had been my IL I might have felt differently though!

YANBU, I'd be furious.

They clearly cannot be trusted.

Bathjelly - you have every right to be annoyed that they spilled the beans.

However, please don't let it fester like some of the other posters have or would do as it will just cause problems for the sake of causing problems - and seems immature beyond belief.

You have at least learned a lesson not to impart information until you are ready for all to know.

Sometimes you need to lose a battle to win the war and I can assure you there are bound to be many more incidents that will annoy you concerning dc, ILs and your own family.

There lies the problem with this thread

I was a little annoyed at first but figured it was her way of showing her excitement. If it had been my IL I might have felt differently though!

That's the crux to most of the complaints of IL's on MN.

If it is from the women's side of the family posters are 'a little annoyed' but if it is DH/DP's side of the family that do anything wrong they are apocalyptic with rage!!!

MIL very nearly wasn't told about this pgy at all - she would have had to work it out from the basketball bump like nearly everyone else - because I was so upset at her not being able to keep the secret about DC2 pgy after mc. DH was supportive but eventually said we would have to tell them as they were about to book a holiday for the month of my due date, and they are our childcare backup.

So he told PIL, with strict instructions not to tell anyone else. MIL asked me at one point "When can we tell people?" but got a terse "it isn't your news to tell" which sums it up for me. She told her mother anyway, which meant DH lost the opportunity to tell his grandma. I don't think MIL thought of that.

They can tell whoever they like so long as we get the chance to tell the people that know us. I'd have been happy for her to tell her hairdresser, or the man in the shop, just not to steal our moment from us.

Sympathies OP. She won't understand how she hurt you.

I would probably have a gentle word about it as it may be a reoccurring problem that their excitement overtakes your wishes. You can make it a positive like we did.... 'It was so lovely that you were excited but we are a private family and want to get into good habits now before the baby arrives.'

In laws that are over enthusiastic can be tricky around due dates, first meeting of the baby etc. perhaps set the tone a little now so they can be involved in a way that you're comfortable with in the future? It really helped us avoid further issues and meant their relationship with their grandchild was maintained.

I would probably have a gentle word about it as it may be a reoccurring problem that their excitement overtakes your wishes. You can make it a positive like we did.... 'It was so lovely that you were excited but we are a private family and want to get into good habits now before the baby arrives.'

In laws that are over enthusiastic can be tricky around due dates, first meeting of the baby etc. perhaps set the tone a little now so they can be involved in a way that you're comfortable with in the future? It really helped us avoid further issues and meant their relationship with their grandchild was maintained.

And yy to poster who said subsequent secrecy isn't to punish the secret-blabber, but as the only possible method of keeping that secret.

If I don't want SIL to know something, I can't tell MIL about it. As simple as that. So neither of them knows about my most recent mc.

BTW - those saying don't let it fester are right, you need to let it go, but on the other hand, learn from it, it did take my mum doing it twice to learn. if your pregnancy goes ahead well, then this is a "no harm done" spilling of your news, but in the future they might pass on information that does hurt or embarass you for others to know - so don't discuss anything with them you aren't happy to be for public consumption.

Particularly in pregnancy, it does seem to be a period in your life when it feels like people stop seeing that you are a person who has a right to privacy. You find that people will think nothing of discussing your bowels, boobs, birth plans, sleep patterns etc - after the birth your vagina and the state it is in is also suddenly something it's reasonable to discuss with people (the older generation do seem to be happy to share news about the number of stitches and level of tearing woman have had without thinking they are discussing what someone's fanjo looks like and at any other time that wouldn't really be appropriate).

Flipchart - perhaps it's more that if you are raised by a mother who's a blabbermouth (like I have been) you are more likely to expect it, not not be 'raging' because it's normal behaviour to you. It took until I had the miscarriage last year to really realise that actually, I have a right to keep things private and only tell who I want to. It's just been a given that my personal news isn't private within extended family and my mum's friends.

If you've been raised by someone who's got a better understanding of privacy and boundaries, you're more likely to expect it in other adults. I was disappointed that my mother was unable to keep my pregnancy news private even after she'd been asked to not say anything, but I wasn't surprised. OTOH, DH was surprised because his parents wouldn't do something like that.

I don't know, my mum isn't a blabber mouth by a long reach.
In fact she hardly communicates anything to us!

I have just seen so many people let by down by others.

Also I have seen many people, one in fact a couple of weeks ago, who said to me ' Don't tell anyone but.........' (really personal stuff and I don't know her that well) and I didn't tell a soul. By the end of the week it turned out everyone knew and I was worried that I might have been blamed.
The person had told every single member of staff the same thing ('Don't tell any one but.....)
This is part of the reason why I don't trust people too much!

Don't tell anyone. Simples.

Next time (if there is a next time ) we're telling NO ONE until such a time that I can't hide it anymore!

Will announce on fb at 6 months and no earlier.

IL's did this to us first time round and we sadly lost our baby at 17 weeks. So, actually I don't think there is a "safe" time. But I just know I would like it to be our happy secret, not the entire worlds! We had an awful lot of people to tell our sad news to :(