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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs have spilled the beans in my baby news.

70 replies

Bathjelly · 11/07/2013 22:57

IABU to go my mile? I'm only 9 weeks and have had congratulations from extended family and friends ( who we hadn't planned on telling until i'd had my scan). We would have liked to tell them ourselves.
We told ILs, and asked them specifically not to tell anyone else yet. Am I making too much of this? Should I just let it go?

OP posts:
Maryz · 12/07/2013 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealAleandOpenFires · 12/07/2013 00:53

My brother did something like that and told my parents* and I've never forgiven him for that & never will.

(Mind you...he is a fat, ugly, useless know-it all pig)

*I wasn't speaking to my parents at the time.

Sunnysummer · 12/07/2013 01:02

YANBU - with our first pregnancy we told our parents and ILs as soon as we got the positive test, but then had an mc at 8 weeks - if they had passed on the news it would have been even more awful to have to tell everyone and face extra upset. On a more cheerful note, it is also really exciting news for YOU to tell people when you are ready, they had their turn with their own DCs!

I would tell them directly that you were very upset, otherwise it will definitely fester a bit, and then just get on with enjoying the rest of your pregnancy. Congratulations Smile

delasi · 12/07/2013 02:17

I would tell them you're upset, but don't announce that you'll never tell them important things first in the future. It doesn't sound like letting go and I suspect it would harm the relationship somewhat. Even when people do things wrong, they still get defensive when corrected and they might feel really awkward around you and important things, well, forever.

But, I am completely Shock that they would tell everyone without even consulting you and I would also be really upset. Tell them directly that it has upset you, that you have to be honest with them about the anger/hurt/etc that it has caused, but that you want to move forward positively.

I would however probably hold off a bit in future in telling them important news. Not in a I-want-to-punish-you-for-last-time way, but knowing now that they may go over the top and tell everyone I would think a little harder about sharing if I didn't want others to know yet. I'd probably say something to them first, preparing to then tell others shortly after.

AdoraBell · 12/07/2013 02:22

My MIL did this, I don't tell her anything now.

ConfusedPixie · 12/07/2013 08:00

YANBU. My parents did the same when my sister got engaged. It just means that they don't know she is trying for a baby and that they well be the last to know when DP and I get officially engaged!

It's bloody rude to share big information if it's not yours to share and especially if you've been asked not to!

OHforDUCKScake · 12/07/2013 08:08

YADNBU.

No doubt they where bursting with exitement and wanted to pass the news on but its completely out of line.

Mainly because its your news to tell, news you trusted them with.

Amongst other reasons not to tell to early, of which I dont need to spell out.

In future though when you have more babies, you now know who not to tell.

Huge congratulations. X

Chesterado · 12/07/2013 08:23

Mine did this when we told them i was about 8 weeks with dc1. even though we knew they were overexcited we were both really upset as a close relative on my side if the family had just lost a baby at 16 weeks and we knew how devastated she was.

If it really upsets you I would get dh to tackle it with them now as it set a bad tone for us for the rest of the pregnancy.

And yes, we told them our good news about dc2 at 14 weeks after the scan.

Vix1980 · 12/07/2013 08:52

My mil did this too, i'd told my mum, grandparents and brother, but dp insisted we go round to tell him mum and dad before id got a chance to tell my dad and his wife.

We both asked mil not to tell anyone yet as i wouldnt want it to slip out and somehow my dad find out on facebook, 2 minutes after keaving in the car on the way home dp's phone started ringing constantly from auntys, his sister, his brother to congratulate us, and of course goes without saying they wrote all over facebook so my dad found out that way. He wasnt pleased to find out like that, i wasnt pleased he had either so i went mental at mil and she could see no wrong in what she had done.

As someone else had said it is best for your dp to just mention how upset you were that you hadnt had the chance to tell people about your news yourself, it doesnt have to be nasty just something in passing just so they know you were a bit upset by it, otherwise i wouldnt be surprised if your on here constantly complaining about something else theyve done throughout your pregnancy.

As lovely as they can be, grandparents do get VERY excited and boundaries have no place for them.

Kafri · 12/07/2013 08:53

I have now (taken 30 years) realised that if you want something kept quiet then you keep quiet yourself.

You were excited so told your ILs, they were excited so told others.
Whenever you utter the magic phrase 'keep it a secret' - SOMEONE WILL TELL!Grin

Congrats

Original poster
Bathjelly · 12/07/2013 08:58

Vix- that's awful for your dad! Lots of shocking stories on here! Thanks for the advice everyone. Will get DH to have a word!

OP posts:
Jan49 · 12/07/2013 08:58

On the one hand you say they're lovely ILs which is great so it would be a great pity to fall out with them over this. But when someone tells you something and tells you to keep it a secret then you're not entitled to ignore that just because you're excited. So personally I think I'd want to tell them you're disappointed that they didn't keep it a secret like you asked them to. I would also not tell them things during the pregnancy because you already know they can't be trusted.

FobblyWoof · 12/07/2013 09:48

My own mother decided to announce my news on her Facebook when I was eight or nine weeks. Angry I was livid and suffice to say it got deleted pretty bloody quickly! That would have been annoying in itself but she was all offended that I was so angry Hmm I had to let it go but it did fester for a while. I had to keep reminding myself that she had a lot on her plate and wasn't thinking straight.

I also told a few people at work and before the day was out everyone in the building knew, and my sisters IL's ended up (albeit accidentally) telling my DNiece and DNephew. My niece was one of the people I'd been most looking forward to telling as I knew she'd be so excited.

This pregnancy we told no one, including parents, until after the 12 week scan. I felt so out of control of everything last time and it was nice to have control over the situation this time.

IAmNotAMindReader · 12/07/2013 09:53

Yanbu to feel put out that they have decided to tell people. However they will be just as excited as you about the pregnancy.

Once you tell someone something, doesn't matter what it is your ability to control that information is now lost.

The only way to ensure something stays secret in future is not to say anything to anyone until you are happy to, I would say 12 week rule for all in future.

JRmumma · 12/07/2013 10:06

You are well within your rights to be annoyed with them and you or DH should address this with them and make sure they understand that they have upset you. I wouldn't go mad though as you say they are lovely and so haven't done it out of malice.

I cannot believe that someone would announce something like this for someone else on facebook! Its a sad fact, but when we told people our news we told everyone that the info was definitely NOT to be posted on fb. Felt like we had to do this which is ridiculous really but true. We'll be doing the same when we tell people about the birth. Not everyone, but there are some people who HAVE to be told!

LastTangoInDevonshire · 12/07/2013 10:12

"Would HAVE" "Should HAVE"

Thank you neomaxi - you stopped my inner being screaming !

znaika · 12/07/2013 10:23

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pigsmummy · 12/07/2013 10:30

I would be livid and would probably avoid them for a while. They wouldn't be getting any more confidential information from me ever again and this would probably cloud my relationship with them.

Ask your DH to have a word with them and tell them how badly they behaved, are they contrite or defensive? To me they they really messed up. This is stress that you don't need, once you have had your scan tell everyone that you are pregnant and details, even if your IL's have already told them they haven't heard it from you, enjoy this magical time x

Sparklingbrook · 12/07/2013 10:34

My MIL did this. We swore her to secrecy at 9/10 weeks and she went and told her sisters. This was all pre FB fortunately and we didn't find out til after DS1 was born, but after that I vowed to be sparing with information in general.

Effingjeff · 12/07/2013 10:40

I had the same experience as sunny/I was furious! Safe to say that they were the last people to know when I was pg again!

flipchart · 12/07/2013 10:45

These threads scare me. When you go top the uk everyone looks and behaves reasonably enough but when you read.these threads it's apparent that everyone is so tightly wound up. It genuinely would not occur to me to get so pissed off about such a thing. Chill out, people are happy for you and your baby- hooray, this is a nice thing.

This

I honestly don't understand the shroud of secrecy and having to be the person to tell everyone.

People are genuinely thrilled, it's not like they have gone on wikileaks to expose your secret! Why the mystery I will never know and the rage at people who are excited and happy on your behalf.

Fuck! People are screwed up and have not much else to worry about!

JRmumma · 12/07/2013 10:49

flipchart i don't know about the OP but the issue for me would be that they let on before the 12 week scan, not necessarily that they had told people themselves. I consider that if my mum/MIL is going to be a grandma, then that is their news too. But there has to be some courtesy about passing on news and to whom, especially in those early weeks.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/07/2013 10:51

These threads scare me. When you go top the uk everyone looks and behaves reasonably enough but when you read.these threads it's apparent that everyone is so tightly wound up. It genuinely would not occur to me to get so pissed off about such a thing. Chill out, people are happy for you and your baby- hooray, this is a nice thing

You don't get it?

Perhaps the op is concerned like many many early pregnant lady's that something may go wrong with the pregnancy.
Her in laws ( or anybody else who is soooo happy they spread this news before she is ready for them to) are not the ones who have to deal with any trauma caused by well meaning questioners. That should be bloody obvious to anybody with an ounce of decency.

BookFairy · 12/07/2013 10:52

flipchart surely it is polite to keep schtum when asked, particularly before the 12 week scan?

OP YANBU, I can't understand the need to share other people's news.

flipchart · 12/07/2013 10:53

I'll say it again then.
As soon as you tell someone something it is no longer a secret.

Whether you like it or not.
Not saying it is right or wrong but that is the way it is.

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