I have an 8 month old DD and am living in Sydney, Australia. I have found the transition to parenthood with a lack of any practical family support difficult (My ILs live close by but I have posted before about falling out with them and now DH sees them occasionally but that's it). DD had bad reflux (now settling thank God) and I ended up with quite bad pnd by the time she was about 4 months.
When she was about 3 months, I realised I needed some help around the house - DD was barely sleeping in the daytime, and when she was, she was upright on me, she couldn't be put down on the floor to play or anything as she was too unsettled due to reflux. Nothing wsa getting done and it was just a nightmare. My DM suggested that I needed to get a "mother's help" - somebody to come in and help me get some housework done, play with DD, take her for walks so that I could get some tidying done or just some space, little bit of everything really.
Anyway, I got a young (she turned 20 while she was with us) girl who was working as a cleaner two days a week and doing before and after school nannying the other 3 days. She had loads of experience of babysitting and nannying different age groups including babies, lots of kids in her family, and was more than happy to do cleaning, hoovering etc for me as she had cleaning jobs too. Let's call her M.
She came two days a week, for 3 hours each day, and it seemed to work really well. What she did week to week depended on what was happening on the particular day, sometimes she mostly entertained DD, other times DD slept most of the time. It just depended and M seemed happy. DD adored M and she often made references to the future, helping to look after DD if we ever have DC2, etc. We invited her to DD's christening, bought her a birthday pressie, and really thought that she planned to be with us for a while. I was diagnosed with pnd and was very open with her about that and she often took DD out for a walk in the pram to give me some space. I also had a counsellor coming to the house for my pnd and I scheduled those appts for M's work hours so that she could look after DD, take her to the park etc.
It all went wrong 2 weeks ago. We were all unwell with a cold type thing and the first day I suggested that M probably didn't want to come because of that. She agreed and asked me to let her know how I was and whether she should come the next day. So the next morning I said I still had a bit of a sniffle but was feeling much better. I thought that M would then come, tbh we really needed her as the house was a bit of a state because we'd all been ill and doing the absolute bare minimum to get through. M then texted 20 mins before she's supposed to come, saying she was going to stay away in case she caught anything and passed it to other children. I was quite pissed off as it was really late notice and it's not as though the rest of us can avoid going to work in case we catch a cold! I made up my mind to talk to her the following week just to chat about could she give us more notice next time as we rely on her coming, could she let us know for future what her "red lines" were in terms of understanding if she would never consider coming if anyone in the house was ill, etc.
Anyway, last week M came and unfortunately DD was quite unsettled and grumpy due to a tooth coming through. So she didn't have her usual morning nap. I was hoping that she would have been asleep when M arrived so that I could get the chat out of the way. But it wasn't happening. I was also feeling quite low from a pnd perspective and that didn't help eihter. DD was grumpy and I got more and more stressed that I wasn't going to get the chance to have the chat about the previous week. Then M started saying DD was tired (she'd only been up an hour so I wouldn't normally have put her back to bed for another while). I felt under pressure so I spent the next 25 minutes in the bedroom trying to settle DD and it didn't work. I realised at this point I still havdn't had breakfast, it was 11.30 and I really needed to eat so I put DD in the lounge and went into the kitchen, explaining to M that I had tried to settle her and was now feeling woozy as I hasn't eaten, so I needed to eat before I did anything else. She made a comment about DD not going to sleep and laughed. I didn't understand the comment and asked her what she meant and why she was laughing. I then saw red and said something along the lines of - for goodness sake I tried my best, she didn't want to go to sleep, I was making myself ill, I have to eat! I didn't speak to her after that because I realised then that I was feeling very down and not coping so I called DH and he came home and I went to bed for an hour. He chatted to M about the events of the previous week before she left, she said that illness wasn't normally a problem but she had wanted to go to a family party that weekend so hadn't wanted to be sick or make anyone there sick. She also offered to do extra hours for us.
She tried to text me that evening but it didn't come through as the text was too long, then she didn't turn up the next day. I texted when she was about 20 mins late then again later in the day to say I was really worried about her and could she let me know she was OK. She then resnet the text from the previous evening which basically said - after today I can't work with you any more, I have never been anything other than supportive, compassionate and understanding, how could you possibly think I could question your parenting, I have done so much for you, I bough Abigail a present, I bought you flowers. You have no right to speak to me like that. I am sorry I let you down last week.
So then when I hadn't replied to the text (becasue I hadn't received it) she just didn't turn up. I took a couple of days to reply as I was really upset. The fact that I had snapped at her on Thursday was because I was exhausted and hadn't eaten, had raging pnd, and a baby who was desperately trying to sleep and cut teeth and was very grumpy about the world! It wasn't because I was mad with her about the previous week! I asked her if she was prepared to come and discuss it with me and allow me to apologise in person. I did apologise for snapping at her and explained that it was because I was feeling down and I had always been honest with her about my pnd. She eventually replied a week later, accepted the apology but said she was now looking for corporate jobs and that it wouldn't be fair to us 
to come back and then leave again.
I've accepted that she's not coming back but AIBU to feel hurt and upset that I"ve invited someone into my home and my family at a vulnerable time and that they've let me down (no notice, has been paid for hours she hasn't done, making it sound as though I was just nasty to her because of the previous week) and are now treating me like an idiot - it wouldn't be fair to you to come back, offering extra hours and then suddenly she's decided to change career and can't possibly ever come back. DD adores her and I can't believe that she just was literally here one day and gone the next and has refused even to come over and talk to me about it. I now don't want to get someone else because I'm not sure I could trust someone in case the same thing happened. For making a big deal in the original message about buying DD a christening gift and buying me flowers when I had an exam and how supportive she's been blah blah, she's now showing herself to be completely unsupportive by just disappearing!I know I am emotional about this and A very possibly BU, but is this normal?!