to feel upset and let down by "mother's help" leaving abruptly? (long,sorry)

[wellieboots]

I have an 8 month old DD and am living in Sydney, Australia. I have found the transition to parenthood with a lack of any practical family support difficult (My ILs live close by but I have posted before about falling out with them and now DH sees them occasionally but that's it). DD had bad reflux (now settling thank God) and I ended up with quite bad pnd by the time she was about 4 months.

When she was about 3 months, I realised I needed some help around the house - DD was barely sleeping in the daytime, and when she was, she was upright on me, she couldn't be put down on the floor to play or anything as she was too unsettled due to reflux. Nothing wsa getting done and it was just a nightmare. My DM suggested that I needed to get a "mother's help" - somebody to come in and help me get some housework done, play with DD, take her for walks so that I could get some tidying done or just some space, little bit of everything really.

Anyway, I got a young (she turned 20 while she was with us) girl who was working as a cleaner two days a week and doing before and after school nannying the other 3 days. She had loads of experience of babysitting and nannying different age groups including babies, lots of kids in her family, and was more than happy to do cleaning, hoovering etc for me as she had cleaning jobs too. Let's call her M.

She came two days a week, for 3 hours each day, and it seemed to work really well. What she did week to week depended on what was happening on the particular day, sometimes she mostly entertained DD, other times DD slept most of the time. It just depended and M seemed happy. DD adored M and she often made references to the future, helping to look after DD if we ever have DC2, etc. We invited her to DD's christening, bought her a birthday pressie, and really thought that she planned to be with us for a while. I was diagnosed with pnd and was very open with her about that and she often took DD out for a walk in the pram to give me some space. I also had a counsellor coming to the house for my pnd and I scheduled those appts for M's work hours so that she could look after DD, take her to the park etc.

It all went wrong 2 weeks ago. We were all unwell with a cold type thing and the first day I suggested that M probably didn't want to come because of that. She agreed and asked me to let her know how I was and whether she should come the next day. So the next morning I said I still had a bit of a sniffle but was feeling much better. I thought that M would then come, tbh we really needed her as the house was a bit of a state because we'd all been ill and doing the absolute bare minimum to get through. M then texted 20 mins before she's supposed to come, saying she was going to stay away in case she caught anything and passed it to other children. I was quite pissed off as it was really late notice and it's not as though the rest of us can avoid going to work in case we catch a cold! I made up my mind to talk to her the following week just to chat about could she give us more notice next time as we rely on her coming, could she let us know for future what her "red lines" were in terms of understanding if she would never consider coming if anyone in the house was ill, etc.

Anyway, last week M came and unfortunately DD was quite unsettled and grumpy due to a tooth coming through. So she didn't have her usual morning nap. I was hoping that she would have been asleep when M arrived so that I could get the chat out of the way. But it wasn't happening. I was also feeling quite low from a pnd perspective and that didn't help eihter. DD was grumpy and I got more and more stressed that I wasn't going to get the chance to have the chat about the previous week. Then M started saying DD was tired (she'd only been up an hour so I wouldn't normally have put her back to bed for another while). I felt under pressure so I spent the next 25 minutes in the bedroom trying to settle DD and it didn't work. I realised at this point I still havdn't had breakfast, it was 11.30 and I really needed to eat so I put DD in the lounge and went into the kitchen, explaining to M that I had tried to settle her and was now feeling woozy as I hasn't eaten, so I needed to eat before I did anything else. She made a comment about DD not going to sleep and laughed. I didn't understand the comment and asked her what she meant and why she was laughing. I then saw red and said something along the lines of - for goodness sake I tried my best, she didn't want to go to sleep, I was making myself ill, I have to eat! I didn't speak to her after that because I realised then that I was feeling very down and not coping so I called DH and he came home and I went to bed for an hour. He chatted to M about the events of the previous week before she left, she said that illness wasn't normally a problem but she had wanted to go to a family party that weekend so hadn't wanted to be sick or make anyone there sick. She also offered to do extra hours for us.

She tried to text me that evening but it didn't come through as the text was too long, then she didn't turn up the next day. I texted when she was about 20 mins late then again later in the day to say I was really worried about her and could she let me know she was OK. She then resnet the text from the previous evening which basically said - after today I can't work with you any more, I have never been anything other than supportive, compassionate and understanding, how could you possibly think I could question your parenting, I have done so much for you, I bough Abigail a present, I bought you flowers. You have no right to speak to me like that. I am sorry I let you down last week.

So then when I hadn't replied to the text (becasue I hadn't received it) she just didn't turn up. I took a couple of days to reply as I was really upset. The fact that I had snapped at her on Thursday was because I was exhausted and hadn't eaten, had raging pnd, and a baby who was desperately trying to sleep and cut teeth and was very grumpy about the world! It wasn't because I was mad with her about the previous week! I asked her if she was prepared to come and discuss it with me and allow me to apologise in person. I did apologise for snapping at her and explained that it was because I was feeling down and I had always been honest with her about my pnd. She eventually replied a week later, accepted the apology but said she was now looking for corporate jobs and that it wouldn't be fair to us to come back and then leave again.

I've accepted that she's not coming back but AIBU to feel hurt and upset that I"ve invited someone into my home and my family at a vulnerable time and that they've let me down (no notice, has been paid for hours she hasn't done, making it sound as though I was just nasty to her because of the previous week) and are now treating me like an idiot - it wouldn't be fair to you to come back, offering extra hours and then suddenly she's decided to change career and can't possibly ever come back. DD adores her and I can't believe that she just was literally here one day and gone the next and has refused even to come over and talk to me about it. I now don't want to get someone else because I'm not sure I could trust someone in case the same thing happened. For making a big deal in the original message about buying DD a christening gift and buying me flowers when I had an exam and how supportive she's been blah blah, she's now showing herself to be completely unsupportive by just disappearing!I know I am emotional about this and A very possibly BU, but is this normal?!

"I posted mostly to find out if it was normal for young people to just ditch a job with no notice and text and refuse to talk about it, and it seems that it is!"

6 hours a week helping someone around the house isn't really a job though, not for a 20 year old and she was only with you for a few months. I've heard of full-time nannies quitting or being fired at minimum notice after a couple of years with a family. You employed her under pretty casual circumstances - you don't mention a contract or anything - so in that case she is free to just leave whenever she wants.

I still think that an older, experienced person would be a better match.
Someone the right age to 'mother' the OP as well as help out with the baby.

I agree with the others, you need more people in your life.
Being at home with a baby and with pnd is very hard, but you are not alone. I would suggest you get a cleaner and an occasional babysitter and go out with dh, maybe every 2 weeks.
Look for playgroups or other baby activities where you meet other mums.

It looks like you relied on her too much, you were far too involved and she couldn't handle it. Understanding depression is not easy for someone so young. Maybe you should not have told her so much about it. You need someone close who is a friend (if family is far away), a support network is vital for "surviving" the baby years I found.

I think being so young she probably just wasn't thick skinned enough to move on from the incident where you snapped. She probably felt very hurt and upset, and unable to come back- esp of you then continued to give her the cold shoulder by not talking to her. You should have apologised there and then. Explained you were having a bad day and would call DH.

RE emotional dependence. While I don't think you set out to depend on her she may have felt this way as you were all so involved. You sounded like you were very friendly which is nice...but it is difficult to keep worker/employer boundaries this way. Even if she was working very little hours.

Agree RE mentioning it to your councillor. I'd probably recognise it as a situation in which your pnd effects your relationships. .as it honestly doesn't sound like she would have left you had that incident hadn't happened. PND is an awful thing to suffer. .mild or otherwise, hopefully when this has all blown over and you'll see it for what it is: I don't think she flaked on you,she was hurt and decided that she couldn't Continue working for you. I had an employer do the same and I also left there and then.

Dear OP, have you reported your husband to the police yet for hitting you? It is you isn't it that posted about your abusive husband the other day? Please report him to police, seek legal advice about leaving Australia with your DD, and make plans to leave. Please tell your family and friends in Scotland. I know they will want to help you to come home.

tigerlily I didn't cancel on her at short notice, I just explained that we hadn't been well and that I understood if she would prefer not to come. She then said yes, she would prefer to stay away. What else could I have done?

redlocks I can assure you that I have been snapped at by people who have been having bad days before, I haven't left a job over it. I was having a bad day, I apologised. There was nothing else I could do. And I am already seeing my GP as should be obvious from the OP - she completely agreed with the suggestion to get someone to help around the house

And in terms of talking to her about the sickness thing, it was us that were sick not her, I just wanted to know for the future how she felt about working while someone was sick so that the next time I knew what to expect. I wasn't giving her a row or anything. She has been off sick before and I never mentioned it other than saying I hope she feels better soon.

thanks to those who have been supportive - yes I have a fantastic mothers group and also a mums and bubs group through church. I do try to get out and about as much as I can. In fact, some days I used to get frustrated at having to stay in the house on a Thursday and Friday because M was coming! DH and I don't really get out because DD is ebf and we don't really have anyone to babysit anyway due to the ILs situation. I wouldn't have chosen to start my family so far from home if I had realised that ILs didn't want to see DD etc but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I am where I am now. Can't really come home now anyway due to the recession etc. And no, my DM can't come and stay she works FT and has just bought a new house and taken on a mortgage at 59, so coming back here isn't going to be an option for at least another year.chi

What I have learned - if I do this again (probably won't) - set expectations up front about notice, illness (us rather than her) and what is required. Don't try and be "friends". i know it doens't sound like it but we were really flexible with M, let her pick her days, change her hours, change days, it was all very relazed and fluid, maybe that was part of the problem. And possibly someone who is older , maybe a mum themselves, is better. Another option is for DD to go to childcare one day a week to let me get space and do some housework or whatever - I think that might be better.

cancelling - for goodness sake . If you must bring other threads on here, do it by PM.

I second that Gobbolino what bad form from cancelling there!

OP is your house quite large? When I lived in Oz with newborn DD I struggled because the house was bloody massive! I had two rooms which were pretty much unused and they were full of stuff which I'd sling in there in the course of tidying up!

I couldn't work out how to manage such a space...I'd only lived in 3 bed semis and there I was in this humungous house with a vast garden....sounds great but in reality I hated it. Can you drive? I couldn't and some days I'd only see the postman.

you snapped at a 20 yr old young woman my dd (20)would have walked out too, she is doing a good job yet you snapped at her she probably felt like the working relationship was broken , she is your help she doesn't need shouting at because you are stressed I do think you need to talk to somebody about it . It is hard sometimes rearing babies they throw all sorts at us but do try and seek some help you do sound stressed,

Oh dear. You sound too personally invested in this relationship.

Anything involving our children makes it hard to be detached, but I can understand why this girl didn't want to deal with your behaviour.

I really hope your counselling works out, PND is horrible.

Please learn ft your experience and try and maintain some professional distance with your next employee. Over emotional communication and expectations on either side are a hiding to nowhere.

You changed the goal posts. You set a precedent of allowing her my to come to avoid getting sick then the following day because you needed get you basically got annoyed that she still wanted to avoid getting sick which you had allowed.

You then snapped at her, set your dh on her (who I can't unsee may be abusive) and didn't communicate.

I can see why she left so yabu.

However I think you are struggling and we don't make the best choices under those circumstances, I've had pnd it's horrible. I do hope you feel better soon x

Imademarion you're just repeating what others have said. And show the OP some compassion! She's had PND. Anyone could see from the length of her OP that she was under a lot of stress re this and also in a foreign country.

Not bad form to bring up other posters threads at all-isn't that what advanced search is for?

I also recall the op posts on the relationship forum and believe me if what she posted is true then she has far bigger problems than her babysitter.If its true.

I wondered if because she was young she thought it was OK to just leave a job by not turning up

She didn't. She texted. You didn't receive it, but she wasn't to know that.

I doubt she had a contract with you, with a notice period etc. So yes, it's fine to do what she did.

I'm 35 and this job sounds like far more trouble than it's worth, so it's probably nothing to do with her age.

If the OP is in an abusive relationship, with PND, thousands of miles away from her own family then it goes a long way towards explaining why she invested so much in this relationship with her helper, and why she is so upset now.
It also means that the atmosphere within the house might have been very complicated for a young woman, just out of her teens to understand and deal with. Including the irrational behaviour in response to a light-hearted comment in the first place.

If my 20yr old walked out of a job because she'd been snapped at, I'd be having serious words with her. I'm baffled by the 'that's what they do' attitude. 20 isn't fully mature but it's also not a child.

Op, glad to hear your PND is improving and you've got plenty of groups to get out to. Definitely keep it more professional in future and chalk this up as a learning experience. Good luck

Sorry op if my dd told me about this situation I would have advised her to leave myself. I wouldn't think she would be capable to deal with this much emotion and need from an older person. It's expecting far too much.

She's 20. She worked a few hours for you. That's it.

Hope things settle for you soon.

If my 20 year old walked out of a job because she'd been snapped at, I'd be proud of her. It doesn't matter how young you are -- your employer has no right to speak to you like crap.

If it were a full-time career, perhaps you'd suck it up a bit. A 6 hour-a-week job doing a bit of hoovering and babysitting isn't worth the hassle.

I think what I meant is this 20 yr old was probably not wanting to deal with the OPs attitude at being blanked and snapped at and when she said she didnt want to come in because of the illness still hanging about she got it both barrels, nobody should have to put up with that imo sounds too complicated for a casual 6 hr a week babysitting job ,

I feel quite sorry for her tbh, she obviously felt that she was supporting you and your family. But she must have felt very awarkward and intimidated by firstly you snapping at her then withdrawing from her and then getting your dh to speak to her about not comming in.

You basically told her not to come in because you were poorly, and then got cross because she didn't come in the next day! What did you expected her to do.

You said

. I was quite pissed off as it was really late notice and it's not as though the rest of us can avoid going to work in case we catch a cold. But that is exactly what you expected if her when it suited you.

Sounds like you lost a good worker because you were rude.

I

If there was no agreed contract, specifying the rules and the period of notice required, then she could have been sacked at a moment's notice, or leave at a moment's notice.
The girl didn't yell or snap or be rude to her employer, she gave several good reasons why she felt unhappy, and then explained that she was looking for corporate jobs.
Which presumably will impact on her cleaning job and her before/after school childcare activities. Not just the OP.

Well, I suppose that it is another life lesson. If you appear to be very hard work to have a relationship with, some people will choose to walk away rather than struggle along.Even more so if the balance of power within the relationship is unequal. The only power you have to change the situation is to leave.

I actually think the girl sounds very mature; she sent a txt explaining her position very clearly.

She didn't just "walked out of the job", she resigned and explained why.

Anyway, I think you need to try to move on from this event and look after yourself, OP.

I would apologise to her, without going ott, just a simple apology and leave it at that. She might miss coming and ask to return at some point. She might not. Unfortunately you were going through a tough time but at 20 she is not necessarily going to see that and doesn't deserve rudeness. Sorry.