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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at comments about free school dinners?

37 replies

poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 14:28

I was a parent helper on a school trip yesterday - along with a couple of other parents in Ds class, one of which is also one of the school secretaries.

For various reasons when we moved to this area (e.g dh being a mature student in his last year and me also studying and looking for work after relocating a long distance) ds was on free school meals for a year, from when he started in year 4 sept 2011, until last september. He was also home educated up until that point.

On the trip yesterday, one of the mothers made a comment that at first they had told their children to stay away from my ds, mainly as he was on FSM, I was a single mum (I am divorced from ds father, but I am now married to dh who is a great step dad, but am still 'miss ds surname' to the school) and ds had never been to school before they thought he would be 'trouble and best kept away from', and that they assumed that he had been home educated as there was some reason he couldn't go to school or that he wouldn't be up to the same level as the other children and would be a liability to the teacher (so not true!)

My mouth literally fell to the floor and then the one who is the secretary piped up 'but then of course we realised he was such a nice boy and so clever, that we had a re think'. Then another one agreed with her and said 'yes, especially in the light of the sats levels last year and this year, he's good for the other boys'.

I was shocked so not thinking, so I said that he was only on FSM as we were both studying and having to do quite full on work placements, and then one said that yes, they soon realised that, but that they had never met a child on FSM that wasn't from a problem family Confused and seeing as I was a single mum they thought we were 'one of those families' (cue me explaining that I married dh a month after ds started at school. I am so pissed off that I justified myself to them).

I haven't really had much to do with these parents. I have met some really lovely people at the school, but the mothers that help out on the trips tend to be the cliquey ones - I was only chosen at the last min as one of their friends was ill and I had the day off - so I have never heard any of this before.

As far as I was concerned, ds is very popular and happy and doing well with lots of friends. I didn't know that at the beginning he was pegged as a horror child.

Now, I am fuming. Apart from the absolute bitchyness of the whole episode,

a) how did they know he was on FSM?

b) how did they know about his sats levels? They are written on the yearly reports, we got them on friday and I certainly haven't discussed them with anyone. They are very high (I am not stealth boasting) but I still wouldn't discuss them with the other parents.

It must be the secretary, what can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 14:29

Actually, the title should probably be 'AIBU to be pissed off at school secretary, its do much more than FSM.

OP posts:
CrowsLanding · 09/07/2013 14:32

I would be furious op. You need to speak to the head about the school secretary, She has no place discussing your or anybody elses child and their circumstances/sat results. Please speak to the head about this.

RedHelenB · 09/07/2013 14:34

Before you blame the secretary are you sure your son hasn't said anything - kids do compare levels you know!

ilovechips · 09/07/2013 14:34

If the only way other parents had this information was definitely from the secretary I would be making a formal complaint - surely that is a huge breach of confidentiality?

Pootles2010 · 09/07/2013 14:35

Jeeesus. There are no words. What a bunch of nasty self obsessed toads!

It surely must be the secretary? I'm not sure how these things work, ds isn't in school yet, so imagine others can advise you further, but i'd be taking this up with the school.

CheeryCherry · 09/07/2013 14:35

To be fair, the pupils may know each other's SATs results. But the FSM issue is private and needs reporting to the Head.

Dominodonkey · 09/07/2013 14:36

YANBU, their comments were judgemental. I agree with crows though it is the fact that random parents knew which is terrible. Information about who is on FSM is confidential. For example, it is never sent around as a hard copy at my school incase someone leaves it around.

Original poster
poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 14:39

I know ds didn't compare levels - they were on his school report on friday evening. We've been away and he's not seen any friends at the weekend and this convo took place mid morning yesterday on the trip, he wouldn't have had time to talk to his friends about it. I don't think he knows or cares what the levels are actually, and he didn't know about FSM, he just had school dinners as far as he was concerned, there is no way of the kids telling who is on FSM and who pays.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 09/07/2013 14:40

Formal letter of complaint to HT, copying in Governors, with specific reference to "confidentiality".

What revolting people to have that attitude towards FSM at all. Do some people really think like that? It just wouldn't occur to me to care even the slightest bit that someone was on FSM at all let alone judge them on it. Fwiw dd is entitled to them, we don't take them because I don't think they are particularly healthy and dd is not that into cooked food, she has 3 - 4 portions of fresh fruit or veg each day in the packed lunch I give her.

I think I would probably have cried right in front of them if they had said those things to me Sad.

Fakebook · 09/07/2013 14:41

Flipping hell! I can't believe people like this exist! Complain to the HT about how personal information is being distributed amongst parents.

I am still shocked.

Nancyclancy · 09/07/2013 14:42

YANBU! That is awful and I'd be making a complaint. If it wasn't for the fact it would unsettle ds, I'd move schools.

I can't believe they actually had the bloody cheek to admit that to you! They are so rude! And if they did find out about the fsm through the secretary, she needs sacking!

Nancyclancy · 09/07/2013 14:44

My son is yr 4, he has no idea about fsm, never discusses SATS etc

Original poster
poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 14:49

Oh yes, heres the joke, one of the parents helping is a governor and so is the husband of the secretary.

I'll make an appointment with the head when I pick up ds.

I could kick myself for justifying myself to them. I was so badly bullied by 'girls' like that when I was at school, it took me right back to it. They were very condescending. They are older than me, I am actually 33, but look a lot younger, they were really nasty, I bet they were also judging me by thinking I must have been a teen mum to top it all off Grin

Thankfully, all the kids like me, so I had lunch with ds and a big gaggle of his friends (and I wasn't embarrassing at all apparently, thank god!) so I didn't have to spend all of lunch with them.

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 09/07/2013 14:50

they must be from the Katie Hopkins charm school!! I would be speaking to the head about confidentiality issues

Original poster
poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 14:51

Nancy - ds is year 5, like I said, he doesn't know or care about levels really.

The parents I have met are so nice, I have made a couple of really good friends. I knew that there was this certain group who like to be nasty, but I just smile and make polite small talk of I bump into them - I never thought they had been talking about me.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 09/07/2013 14:55

I am an MDS and have no idea who's on FSM. I don't need to know. I would not divulge any information about the children. It's confidential. I would be sacked. Talk to the head. This is not on.I

MaxPepsi · 09/07/2013 14:56

I must be very naive.

I can beleive the FSM/sats info has been leaked and gossiped about. That for me sounds standard.

What I can't beleive is the complete and utter backward attitude about it all. OR that parents seriously tell their small children not to play with another child.

Jesus. The mind boggles.

AnaisB · 09/07/2013 14:56

Eugh, they sound awful. It sounds as if the secretary has massively breached confidentiality - and even if she hasn't it's really unprofessional to talk like that to a parent.

Yanbu. I would give them an extremely wide berth and complain.

Poledra · 09/07/2013 14:58

Can I just point out that the parent who is a school governor should not know which children are on FSMs either? While governors do know how many children are on FSM (because of the pupil premium etc) there is no need for them to know which specific children. I am a school governor, and couldn't tell you who in our school is on FSM.

Original poster
poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 15:01

But the secretary may know who is, and also possibly be privvy to information about the sats levels? So, she knows this and has gossiped to all her friends in our children's class?

I have emailed MIL who is a school sec herself to ask her about it.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 09/07/2013 15:03

The secretary would know as they take in all the dinner money. She should not divulge that information.

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/07/2013 15:04

They would also deal with the admin surrounding reports.

Original poster
poopyisapig · 09/07/2013 15:08

For heavens sake, Just rang to make an appointment with the head as am not picking ds up until 5pm and she answered. So I hung up rather than have her wondering why I wanted to speak to him.

I know I have to make a complaint and that it's not on. All the bloody staff are such good friends though, the head is always at the reception desk laughing and joking.

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 09/07/2013 15:10

I'd be livid.

I would definitely make an appt with the ht.

polkadotsrock · 09/07/2013 15:11

I'm saddened by the amount of judging that goes on but can just about get my head around the fact that it happens. What I definitely cannot get my head around is why they would then feel the need to tell you about their shitty nasty thoughts as if you we're going to be grateful for the rethink. Christ, some people are scary.

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