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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very grumpy about Christenings and Godparents

30 replies

neveronsunday · 09/07/2013 13:00

I know I am but I want to get it out.

Last week, I got an invitation to my best friend's son's christening. She has not asked us to be Godparents.

This is because we are not remotely religious and our daughter is not Christened so really this fair enough.

However, I've been mulling it over and it makes me sad because I know she makes more effort with children she is Godmother to than mine. Also, I always thought that Godparents were there as an 'alternative adult' to give moral guidance.

Godparents seem to be given an "official status" which is about more than religion. I'm therefore a little upset that she would appoint someone else.

I know I'm over thinking this and am bracing myself to be hit with flames.

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/07/2013 13:02

Um if you ain't the religious type then no you can't be expecting to be a godparent, dear me.

exoticfruits · 09/07/2013 13:03

We couldn't ask people we would have liked- they couldn't have made the promises. I don't see how you can be upset- they are specific words that you have to say like 'I believe in God'.

sonlypuppyfat · 09/07/2013 13:03

A God parent is there to make sure a child has a Christian upbringing, to pray for them etc. If you are not religious how could you have done this.

Original poster

neveronsunday · 09/07/2013 13:05

I know. I wasn't actually expecting her to ask me.

I suppose I'm just sad there isn't a secular equivalent.

OP posts:

Pootles2010 · 09/07/2013 13:05

Um you're being ridiculous! I'm not religious, and would feel really awkward if someone asked me, I couldn't accept and it'd end up being all messy.

If she makes less effort that's up to her, you can't force her?!

Pootles2010 · 09/07/2013 13:06

There is a secular equivalent - its a naming ceremony and the adults are 'supporting adults'. We had this for our ds. I would imagine its not suitable for your friend though if she wanted religious ceremony.

MelanieCheeks · 09/07/2013 13:07

Are you planning to do anything extra special for her children as she's your best friend? I'm not a Christain either, and I'd be horrified if someone asked me to be a Godmother. But I believe "by your actions shall ye know them" might be a motto to consider. Nothing to stop you doing some of the things you think a godmother might do.

Caitycat · 09/07/2013 13:08

Yes sorry being a godparent means you take a nominal responsibility for the child's spiritual development. Although many parents aren't bothered about that and just choose friends. I personally think that if you're going to have a child christened you take it seriously and choose godparents accordingly, it seems your friends do too.

MooncupGoddess · 09/07/2013 13:11

I can understand why you are sad, though as you admit it's a bit irrational. In practice, though, if you show interest and kindness to her son you will probably end up being closer to him than some of his actual godparents, and that's what really matters in the end.

Original poster

neveronsunday · 09/07/2013 13:12

I bought him a really nice traditional bear when he was born, and see them regularly so yes, I do special things for him.

Maybe I'll just set out my stall as "weird atheist friend" and buy him a tattoo for this 18th

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 09/07/2013 13:14

Your friend is hardly likely to have a secular equivalent if she wants a religious one.

TanglednotTamed · 09/07/2013 13:16

There is a secular equivalent. I know lots of non-religious people who have asked others to be 'guideparents' to their kids. They had naming ceremonies instead of christenings.

I also know someone who has been appointed 'oddparent' to a friends child, and am hugely jealous because I would like to be an oddparent, too.

IHeartKingThistle · 09/07/2013 13:17

I'm not religious (well, I don't go to church) and I am a godparent. I was worried when my friend asked me, but I made absolutely sure that she knew that I wasn't religious; she was fine with it and still wanted me to do it. I'm sure that this would offend some religious people, even though I am christened and was raised as CofE, and I don't want to offend anybody, but it was more important to me that it was what my friend wanted. We agreed I would be responsible for the non-spiritual stuff! My godson is very important to me.

Weegiemum · 09/07/2013 13:18

I am a Christian and wouldn't be a godparent as I think baptism is a choice a child should be allowed to make for themselves when they are old enough. You are bu if you think that someone who can't make the promises in good conscience should be a godparent. There's nothing to stop anyone asking any adult to be a special person in a child's life.

LondonJax · 09/07/2013 13:19

As Pootles said there's a naming ceremony, which is secular and a blessing and thanksgiving service which is done in a C of E church and is there for people who, for example, want something religious to say thank you but don't feel comfortable yet with a full Christening. We had this for our son as he had a life saving op when he was a baby but we hadn't gone to church for years and felt wrong making promises on his behalf.

My DS's supporting friend wasn't Christened. She's my best friend. She can't be his godmother even if I wanted it. So she's a supporting friend - if we'd had a full Christening I don't believe I could have asked her to do the religious equivalent and be his godmother. I'm sure someone will correct me - I didn't look into it as we decided a blessing and thanksgiving was right for us so we didn't go down the godparent route.

BUT the real point is that your friend wants a full Christening and whether or not there is a secular equivalent isn't relevant. Don't take it as a slight - it's like expecting to be a bridesmaid to a bride who only wants family to take that part. It's not a slight on you, you just don't fit the bill for what she's doing - having a full religious ceremony with all that that entails.

onetiredmummy · 09/07/2013 13:21

I think the religious aspect is a red herring. I don't think you want to be a godmother OP, I think you want to be a recognised adult in the child's life & not feel left out & possibly to have a part in the christening. I understand this, there's nothing wrong with it.

But you & me, as atheists, can't take on the official role as godparent as we would not agree to educate the child in the Christian faith. And as a christening is a religious ceremony there is no room for secular roles.

nenevomito · 09/07/2013 13:23

Why would you want to be a god parent if you're not religious?

Bonkers.

Original poster

neveronsunday · 09/07/2013 13:28

onetiredmummy thank you. You have very neatly expressed what I mean.

And for making me feel a little bit better about it.

As I said, I don't want to be Godparent, I'm just a little sad that I don't get an 'official' title.

Will attempt to find myself an 'oddparent' badge.

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/07/2013 13:35

Hmm, I think I understand OP.

What we all really want is other supportive adults in our children's lives, there to give extra guidance and encouragement.

The church has over the years provided a mechanism for this with godparents. It's understandable that those who don't fit into this system feel a bit miffed or left out.

I think we just have to try harder to initiate and sustain relationships between our children and other encouraging, supportive adults.
My DCs have many aunts and uncles who fulfil this role well I feel, as well as 3 friends of mine who haven't yet had their own DCs (and may not do)
who have enjoyed being involved in their lives from babyhood.

It can be a relationship that is really good for the DCs and the supportive adults in their lives. BTW I like "oddparents" - that's v. good

tumbletumble · 09/07/2013 13:40

I understand what you mean, OP. My best friend hasn't had her DC christened and I think I play a godparent type role in their lives. But it might be a bit more awkward if they had been christened and had actual godparents that weren't me.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/07/2013 13:42

Also I feel it's a pity if your friend does more for children of friends who she is a godparent too than for your dd who doesn't have godparents. Perhaps you could ask her to be an "oddparent" for her and say you will be too for her DC. Could be a good way to bring issues up in a nice light-hearted way ?
Could be she's mentally added her godchildren to her nieces and nephews on a Christmas pressie list for example, but not really thought about how she's leaving out your dd ?

FairPhyllis · 09/07/2013 13:49

You're being completely unreasonable - but you know that already.

The role of a godparent, if you take it seriously as a religious thing - which it sounds like your friend does - is to play a role in the child's Christian upbringing. You can't possibly do that. And it's normal for her as a Christian to make a bit more 'effort' with her godchildren because she's taken on a responsibility to them and made promises about it which she is sincere about.

I also think you're being a bit U and needy to want to have some sort of 'official' title role in the child's life. Why do you feel the need to have your role in the child's life validated like that? Either you'll have a close relationship that develops naturally over the years, or you won't. A title won't change the actual substance and quality of your relationship - it's what you do from here on that actually counts.

It sounds to me like what you're actually worried about is your friendship with your friend changing now she has a child and you realise she has a life that you're not part of.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/07/2013 13:57

I don't see your last line being true FairPhyllis as OP has a child too, so they might actually become closer now friend has child too ?

MysteriousHamster · 09/07/2013 14:11

Did you try to give her a special 'oddparent'-style role in your children's lives? If not, surely a bit of a hypocritical worry to be having?

exoticfruits · 09/07/2013 14:55

I can't see any relevance to naming ceremonies etc. Your friend has chosen a religious one- I think I would be a bit miffed if a Christening was my choice and a friend told me it was unfair and I should have a secular one she could be 'special'. You choose godparents who can do the job- if they can't make the promises then they can't do the job!
If you want a secular ceremony for your own child then go ahead.

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