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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at this remark?

84 replies

Fightlikeagirl · 09/07/2013 10:09

On the school run today one of the dads says to me "You're looking very white Fight, did you not go out in the sun over the weekend?"
I told him that I'm always pale as I burn so wear a high factor cream and then walked home to cry!
Silly I know and completely over sensitive but being pale is something I'm really conscious about.
I used to use sunbeds a lot when I was younger but now I would never risk my health by having anymore.
I wish I had come back with a smart remark like "I've have had cancer once before, I'm in no hurry to risk getting it again!"
I could fake tan which I sometimes do for a wedding or special occasion but its not something I want all the time.
It's not the first time people have commented on my pake skin colour, why do people think this is acceptable? I wish I could be pale and proud!

OP posts:
LookingForwardToMarch · 09/07/2013 11:14

Naturally blonde pale and proud!

Come on, be happy in your own skin Grin
We stand out like beautiful white lillies in a sea of leather and tango orange!

(Disclaimer: I think all natural skin tones are beautiful, just giving the op a pep talk)

ZingWidge · 09/07/2013 11:27

well I don't think it is ok to make judgey comments on people's appearance, especially if there's nothing they can do about it!

if someone said "oh your skirt is a bit creased today, is your iron not workinf?" I would find that rude.
make a comment about OP's skin is worse.

or is it only unacceptable to make a skin colour remark if it is about someone with darker skin?Confused Hmm

carolthesecretary · 09/07/2013 11:34

I'm pale and really don't care what people think anymore. Pale skin looks far better than red lobster or brown leather.

XP had very dark skin and was forever making little digs. I used to say I was from good stock and his family used to work in the fields hence the difference... Did shut him up!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 09/07/2013 11:35

I'm very pale, people sometimes comment, especially when I'm with the dcs who are dark. It's never occurred to me to mind. Is it really an insult to say someone's pale?

minouminou · 09/07/2013 11:36

Flipchart - the OP has had skin cancer and, if she was a sunbed addict before, really liked having a tan, so I guess having to wear sunscreen and stay pale to stay healthy after a brush with death is something of a double whammy. I'm assuming she's in her thirties and the cancer happened a few years back, when she was really quite young (OP?).
She didn't say anything rude or snappy to the guy....I think walk a mile in her shoes, eh?

flipchart · 09/07/2013 11:41

It's not a judgey comment though!

A judgey comment would be. You need to go out in the sun fight you look like you need some Vit D.

A chat at the school when everyone else has either been caught out with the sun over the weekend and gone red or been sun bathing and someone is noticeable pale and has not caught the sun is just that - chat.

I work with a lot of Asian kids and adults and we all comment on each other. I said to my co worker (Asian) on Saturday that she was looking red and she said she forgot to put her sun cream on. We were out all day in the Yorkshire Dales with our D of E group. so ZigWig comments go back and forth no matter what the race or colour and can be acceptable.

flipchart · 09/07/2013 11:43

I hear what you are saying but that doesn't make the guy out to be a twat like a lot of the posters are making him out to be. mino

ZingWidge · 09/07/2013 11:45

flip
well I think it is judgey and was posed as if OP had to explain herself.
that's not on.

I wouldn't have cared but I can see why she got upset.

and it's Zingbtw!Wink

Feminine · 09/07/2013 11:47

I am fair skinned.

I'll go golden if I work on it

angelos02 · 09/07/2013 11:49

YANBU OP. I am v.pale and recently got back from a holiday abroad. At least half a dozen people at work made comments along the lines of 'wasn't the weather very good' or 'did you stay indoors the whole time' etc. Erm, no, any tanning is bad for your skin you muppet. I don't rise to it though. Just said I wore a high factor - which I did.

On the other hand people say I do look young for my age & it can only be down to my keeping my skin protected. can't be due to diet or lack of wine

minouminou · 09/07/2013 11:52

Well, I think the comments calling the guy out are just generic support.
I think Fight knows she's sensitive about it, and who can blame her?
I really do doubt that this poor dad meant even an iota of offence, but the "did you not go out?" would have been better as "do you not tan?" or "do you stay in the shade?"

I reckon that's the clincher - if someone asked me if I didn't go out, I'd assume they thought I was Gollum, as I'm well-known for my intense dislike of heat!

minouminou · 09/07/2013 11:54

I don't think there's anything wrong with commenting on skin tones - it's when there's a value judgement imposed or implied it's a prob.

higgle · 09/07/2013 11:55

OP you are being very sensitive about a perfectly ordinary remark. I arrived at work on Monday to be told by our groundsman that my legs were whiter thank his and I just thought to myself that he was right and it didn't come back into my mind again until I saw this thread.

angelos02 · 09/07/2013 11:56

Dunno about that minou When I was about 8, an Asian kid said I was the colour of ice cream. I replied with 'you're the colour of toast'. Get which kid got told off? Fucking bonkers.

MrsPercyPig · 09/07/2013 11:57

You are NBU! I too am so conscious about being pale and the reality is people generally look better with a tan!

When people tell me I look pale, I hear "Percy, you look terrible!"

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/07/2013 11:58

YABU to cry about it Confused I doubt the bloke meant any harm it sort of thing people just say isnt it to make conversation.

However instead of rabbiting on about cancer, I'd sweetly point out that in 10 years time you will as youthful looking as your are now, wheras this dude and all the others who like to bake in the sun will resemble Magda from There's Something About Mary Grin

minouminou · 09/07/2013 11:59

That's more to do with someone wrongly assuming you were being racist or derogatory, though, angels.
Who told you off? A teacher? I'd say that was an epic fail on his or her part, on several levels, rather than anything else.

Feminine · 09/07/2013 12:08

I don't think people look better with a tan. Confused

ZingWidge · 09/07/2013 12:09

actually let me re-phrase myself. I wouldn't have gotten upset, but it would have annoyed me
I've been asked questions like before and I found them rude. not just for what they are but what they imply.

right. lunch time Smile

Feminine · 09/07/2013 12:13

mino I agree but,

When do you ever hear anyone being congratulated for taking care of their skin though?

Commenting on skin tone is only everdone (in my experience) in a negative way.

Otherwise why are so many people worried about looking so pale?

I suspect it gives ( as I said up thread) plain people a chance to feel elevated with RONSEAL skin!

minouminou · 09/07/2013 12:18

You might not be openly congratulated very often, but you'll be grateful later in life!

Ronseal skin....love it.
I think the love for tans is a hangover from when it was seen as glamorous....before that, like a PP has said, it betokened the manual outdoors labour of the peasantry.

ZingWidge · 09/07/2013 12:18

angel I agree, you can't even comment positively!

I sell my handmade jewellery and a black lady was asking if I could make her a ring with orange and yellow colours .
I said yes, but I really wanted add that I though that would really suit her skin so well - and that I'm jealous as I love those colours but I can't wear them, they don't suit my milky complex.
but I said nothing. just to be safe. and to avoid appearing a shade racist

mumofthemonsters808 · 09/07/2013 12:28

I've had these sort of comments for years because I'm pale. One particular occasion springs to mind is when I was at a wedding and stood chatting in a group, a friends OH commented on my whiteness and the whole group people started laughing even my friend. After many years of sunbeds and fake tan I've finally accepted this is just the way I am.

DD (10) this morning mentioned that she was the only child in her class without a tan and that she hates her freckles and whiteness. I think I will advise moving to Bulgaria where the locals adored our white skin.

AllYoursBabooshka · 09/07/2013 12:30

I don't think people look better with a tan either.

It rained on average for about 200 days here in Belfast last year.

When I saw people walking about in December with a full on tan I just thought "Who are you trying to kid?"

Each to their own though! Don't worry about your paleness OP, lot's of us think it's lovely.

Original poster
Fightlikeagirl · 09/07/2013 12:46

I see that there are others out there who understand Smile
If you're comfortable being pale then comments wouldn't upset you but I do prefer myself with a tan so I am self conscious about my pale skin.
But I know it's my problem to deal with and I'm glad now that I didn't say something rude or awful back!
I will try to embrace my paleness and think how youthful I will look in 10 years time Grin

OP posts: