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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send dd to nursery in knickers even though she's never used the potty

66 replies

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 09:59

My dd is almost 3 and refuses to use the potty. She is more than ready, she tells me that she needs a wee, begs for a nappy on if she is not wearing one and needs the toilet, gets out of the bath to piss on the floor then gets back in the bath etc. she just will not actually wee or poo when she is sitting on the toilet. She complains that it is too cold and says 'I can't do it' whilst grinning at me.

So yesterday I decided that was it and the little bugger is not wearing nappies anymore. We were in all morning and I sat her on the toilet several times but she refused to go. Eventually I had to pick dd1 at lunch time so we set off with her wearing big girls pants, and scootered to school. She piddled on the way home and told me that her pants were wet. I said we would change them when we got home, and she grumbled all the way home (only 5 mins) because she didn't like the feeling. Then we had to go out for the rest of the day so I put pull ups on her and explained that she still needed to wee and poo in the potty when we were out. She was obviously very relieved to have what she classed as a nappy on and promptly shat. She didn't use the potty all afternoon but we were on the go so it was difficult.

So day 1 was a bit of a disaster, day 2 is here and she should be going to nursery. Having given her a big pep talk yesterday about no more nappies, should I send her to nursery in big girls pants and plenty of changes of clothes? I am fairly certain she will not use the toilet there either but IMO this seems to be a mental thing she needs to get over rather than not being ready.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 09/07/2013 10:04

I saw a boy like this on supernanny!

hus parents sitting him on the loo made it a big thing that he enjoyed having some control over and having some attention.

they had to just casually sit him on the loo and they had a toilet book and toilet stories and when they were just chatting/ telling the story he would end up relaxing and then going.

then they got shorter and shorter and then 'well just nip to the loo and then we can play the toilet game/ story' and he had it in a few days

baring in mind this is all from no experience and an unhealthy love of reality tv on DMax lol

noblegiraffe · 09/07/2013 10:05

Very unfair on the nursery, they don't have time to be constantly changing your DD.

You should take some time off work, spend it at home with your DD and do it properly.

Floggingmolly · 09/07/2013 10:05

Yes, I would. Nursery were brilliant with my potty refusing ds1, and effectively trained him for me.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 09/07/2013 10:05

If she wants to use a nappy to poo in and won't wee in the loo or potty then I don't think she's ready, sorry, and I don't think it is fair to expect nursery staff to clean up after her if you know she will not at least try to use the potty / loo.

NotYoMomma · 09/07/2013 10:06

also is there not a period of a coupke of days where she isnt at Nursery? just to trial it a bit more.

MrsMelons · 09/07/2013 10:08

I wouldn't put pull ups on - they are just nappies.

You should start potty training properly then get nursery.to carry it on. I think it is unfair to send her into nursery without actually doing a couple of days training with her, can't you start on friday?

ChocHobNob · 09/07/2013 10:11

Does she go to nursery every week or only during the school term? Is you get the holidays with her, I would probe going cold turkey for 2 weeks until they break up for summer.

ChocHobNob · 09/07/2013 10:11

*put off going cold turkey

Madsometimes · 09/07/2013 10:12

Yes, YABU to do this without checking first with the nursery.

Your dd sounds like she is ready for potty training. However, you have not even had one full day at home with the potty. You had your dd in pull-ups for most of yesterday, which is a nappy, and so she used it as one.

IMO you need to start this at a weekend when you have no outings planned. Do not use a pull up nappy at all, they confuse children. You also need to discuss potty training with your dd's key worker at nursery, and ask how she wants to approach this. If she's fine, then go ahead. She may well be fine, given that this is the age group she works with.

Mumsyblouse · 09/07/2013 10:12

I think you should have waited really for a holiday time or done it both days on the weekend. Even a child training really brilliantly (I did it the she who must not be mentioned way) will take two or three days or more to get the hang of it and those first few days are full of lots of accidents. She is extremely unlikely to just pick it up without rewards/encouragement/structure at nursery and will just wet herself all day. If I were the nursery I would be a bit annoyed really.

NarkyNamechanger · 09/07/2013 10:14

She's not ready and it's very unfair on nursery staff to have to keep changing her and unhygienic to send a child you know will wee everywhere.

Wallison · 09/07/2013 10:15

Surely if she has a 'mental thing she needs to get over' then she isn't ready?

Idocrazythings · 09/07/2013 10:17

I think you should be asking the nursery and not an I termed forum.

Beehatch · 09/07/2013 10:20

My DS nursery were the ones who insisted we stuck with the pants, even though they were the ones who suffered (he was OK at home as long as bare bummed). They had it cracked within 3 days, I just had to send in plenty of clean clothes.

I wouldn't do it without OK-ing with them first.

MrsPotato · 09/07/2013 10:20

Of course YABU!!

You are setting her up for failure when she obviously is feeling very uncomfortable about it anyway. This is not going to build her confidence.

Do you have two children at home? To one adult? At nursery there is one adult to 8 children, they will not be able to give her the attention she needs however good they are. You need to wait for a holiday or keep her off nursery for a week.

I realise I sound highly unsympathetic but I have a child like yours and have also worked in a nursery and as a childminder so can see from both perspectives. Good luck with the potty training.

SavoyCabbage · 09/07/2013 10:22

Wait until the holidays.

Yabu to put a pull up on her yesterday to go out but not today. You could have taken plenty of changes of clothes yesterday and dealt with it, like the nursery will have to.

Original poster

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 10:24

She is very articulate and is completely aware of when she needs to have a poo or wee, which I think means that she is capable of cracking this! Also she is huge for her age, and even the biggest size nappies are small on her, and therefore leak. I think rather than seek out specialist nappies at great expense she can, at very nearly 3, use the potty instead.

Thanks for the replies, maybe I will phone the nursery and see what they suggest.

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ArbitraryUsername · 09/07/2013 10:25

Have you considered asking the nursery for advice on this? As your DD is not yet 3, I'd assume it was a day nursery where potty training stuff is absolutely standard fare (rather than say the nursery class at school, where they very often don't do nappies at all). Many nursery staff have experience of potty training hundreds of kids and will probably be quite helpful.

Sirzy · 09/07/2013 10:27

Unfair on nursery and unfair on your daughter.

She obviously isn't ready so why force her and create issues?

MissStrawberry · 09/07/2013 10:27

YABU

You are trying to push her before she wants to do it or is ready.

I would go back into nappies for a week and then start a fresh and stop thinking you know better than her. It might be a game to her but it doesn't have to be a battle. Or she might just not be ready.

WeAreSix · 09/07/2013 10:28

YABU and confusing her - allowing her pull ups just sends mixed messages. It needs to be one or the other and you need to be consistent with your choice.

Mumsyblouse · 09/07/2013 10:29

You are probably right that she is ready (although reluctant) it's just the way you have gone about it might mean that you are in for weeks of wet knickers and the nursery getting annoyed, instead of setting up her at home (being partly dry at least a few days) first. Potty training doesn't take half a day (which is what you did) and you can't put a pull up on her, that's a nappy! You might also want to consider a reward chart/attention/chocolate buttons or whatever it takes to get her feeling positive and good about succeeding.

Just because she can tell you when she needs to do a wee doesn't mean she will always get it right, and accidents can continue (especially if they are concentrating hard at nursery or reluctant to go for some reason) for a while. I would phone the nursery or talk to them at the end of the session and take it from there. But if you have to put her back in pull ups for a few more days/weeks it is no big deal, she isn't potty trained right now and it's up to the nursery whether they want you to do it or are happy to plough on themselves.

mischiefmummy · 09/07/2013 10:31

Have you considered putting her in washables for a bit? Sometimes disposables make it too easy to wee and ignore. If she doesn't like wet knickers she won't like wet nappies!

Also agree that to try and play it down if at all possible as she clearly has the control required.

Also we have wooden loo seats which do seem warmer!!

This weather is idea training time....no nappy no knickers but perhaps a treat if she hops on the loo or the potty?

Best of luck, it can be a trying time!

gutzgutz · 09/07/2013 10:37

I did DS1 (2.9) in conjunction with nursery. They were doing some of his peers and happy to do DS. I just had to send I lots of changes of clothes. Plus they asked for jelly shoes so as not to ruin his leather ones with wee! Genius. I think DS was lazy and needed a push which nursery gave. He is now dry in the day and asks for the potty/ toilet. He does only poo in his night nappy but this will come in time. I found that chocolate buttons as a reward helped and sometimes if I know he needs a wee and we have to go out I will bribe him "I'll give you a button if you do a wee". Terrible parenting but it works.

Original poster

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 10:38

Ok, just had a long chat with the nursery and they are more than happy for dd to go in knickers. I did explain that she had never actually managed to use the potty and they were fine with that, they said they will take her every 15 mins and give her a sticker chart. They were quite anti pull ups as they said they were confusing. So I think I will go for it. She is generally lovely for everyone else and a little madam for me, so you never know they may have a bit more success than me. It feels to me like dd has locked horns with me on this one and I am kind of at her mercy as I can't force her to use the toilet!

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