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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send dd to nursery in knickers even though she's never used the potty

66 replies

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 09:59

My dd is almost 3 and refuses to use the potty. She is more than ready, she tells me that she needs a wee, begs for a nappy on if she is not wearing one and needs the toilet, gets out of the bath to piss on the floor then gets back in the bath etc. she just will not actually wee or poo when she is sitting on the toilet. She complains that it is too cold and says 'I can't do it' whilst grinning at me.

So yesterday I decided that was it and the little bugger is not wearing nappies anymore. We were in all morning and I sat her on the toilet several times but she refused to go. Eventually I had to pick dd1 at lunch time so we set off with her wearing big girls pants, and scootered to school. She piddled on the way home and told me that her pants were wet. I said we would change them when we got home, and she grumbled all the way home (only 5 mins) because she didn't like the feeling. Then we had to go out for the rest of the day so I put pull ups on her and explained that she still needed to wee and poo in the potty when we were out. She was obviously very relieved to have what she classed as a nappy on and promptly shat. She didn't use the potty all afternoon but we were on the go so it was difficult.

So day 1 was a bit of a disaster, day 2 is here and she should be going to nursery. Having given her a big pep talk yesterday about no more nappies, should I send her to nursery in big girls pants and plenty of changes of clothes? I am fairly certain she will not use the toilet there either but IMO this seems to be a mental thing she needs to get over rather than not being ready.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 09/07/2013 10:40

I would check with nursery, but don't assume they will be against the idea. This is pretty much what we did with DS - except that it was nursery's idea. They had a whole group in which all the girls were out of nappies and none of the boys were so, with the agreement of parents, they picked a week, braced themselves, and went for it. DS went through about 6 changes of clothes on the first day, but peer pressure works much better than Mummy begging, and he got there pretty quickly.

DD, by contrast, just announced one morning that she wasn't wearing nappies any more, and I wasn't inclined to argue with her, so I landed her on nursery in big girl pants with no warning at all - they were great, she had 2 accidents first day, 1 the second, and hardly ever after that.

stealthsquiggle · 09/07/2013 10:41

Oh - x-post - agree completely - if she has taken a stance with you, then nursery are much better placed to bribe her with stickers persuade her into it.

Mumsyblouse · 09/07/2013 10:42

That's great, glad it is sorted out and at least it is lovely weather for drying clothes/pants!

FanjolinaJolie · 09/07/2013 10:56

YABU to be giving mixed messages with sometimes knickers and sometimes pull-ups.

This sounds like a bit of a battle of wills perhaps you could leave this a month or two, not keep bringing it up or making it a big issue.

IMO they are only truly ready when they are predominantly self-motivated to be dry.

FanjolinaJolie · 09/07/2013 10:57

And don't force her to use the toilet.

Ask of they need to go and if they say 'no' you need to respect that. Even if they are wrong!

SoupDragon · 09/07/2013 11:00

DD was a little like this. I knew she could do it and one day she asked for something so I said "Yes. But you need to wee in the potty first."

She rolled her eyes, sighed dramatically, weed in the potty and said "There you are. Now can I have..."

It was mostly easy once I'd broken her spirit after that.

HoneyDragon · 09/07/2013 11:03

You need to be consistent with what the nursery are doing. Potty training mostly consists of saying "do you need a wee?" On a constant loop, till they go "I need a weeee", then it's mostly gentle panicky jogging to the nearest toilet.

Wincher · 09/07/2013 11:11

I am in a similar situation - started last week with DS (2.11) and he did pretty well at home for two days, mainly bare bummed, and so we sent him to nursery on Friday in pants with as many spare shorts and pants as we could. They ALL came home wet - he didn't manage a single wee in the loo or potty at nursery. It was my DH who collected him and talked to nursery, but he agreed with them we would carry on sending him in pull ups for a bit and they will take him to the toilet every 45 minutes. DS did Ok over the weekend - he even did his first poo in the potty - but went to nursery in a pull up yesterday and didn't manage any wees in the toilet (again, my DH collected him so I haven't spoken to nursery yet myself). He has gone again today in a pull up but I will be collecting him at lunchtime and taking the nappy off till he goes again on Friday at least (apart from at night of course). I'm not terribly happy about this two-tiered approach, but it seems to have worked well for lots of his friends. DH said nursery would be OK with it if we did carry on sending him in pants but he thought their idea was sensible. We shall see...

Good luck!

trackies · 09/07/2013 11:17

op I had similar issues with DD. she was in a battle with me. The only way I could get her to wee on time was not to nag her, but to make her change her wet clothes herself in bathroom. Her responsibility for nt going on time. She hated it. She was not allowed out of bathroom until she had changed clothes. Pre school also did the same. she was 3.5 at the time. As for poo be careful of her starting poo retention. My DD has got a stool retention problem and refused to poo in a loo. I was told by Continance clinic not to take her pull ups away if she only wants to poo in her pull up as she could hold it in for days causing self much discomfort and impaction. So she was allowed a pull up at end of the day to poo in. Took until nearly 5 when she was ready to poo in the loo. There's a poo goes to Pooland story on the Internet.
Re: the battle sometimes if it was really bad ie. wetting self all day for weeks or months i found putting her bak in pull ups for a week helped break the battle and she was much better afterwards.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 09/07/2013 11:21

Great that nursery are onside.:) I am big believer in no nappies whilst awake during potty training. Many children can't learn unless they get wet lots of times first, imo. Disposable nappies and pullups don't enable children to make cause and effect connections, especially with wee. Parents and adult carers have to be prepared to deal with rivers of piss and worse for a while. Yes, children are ready at different times but for lots of them there are no particular signs (because the disposable nappies rob toddlers of the opportunity to learn naturally) and the way you tell whether or not they are ready is to let the rivers of piss flow for 10 days plus in pants. If there is not one wee in a pot by day 5 or there are still 5 accidents or more per day at day 10 they are not ready. But between 2 and 3 most kids will be able to train as long as parents and carers whip the nappies off and don't allow them back on except for sleep times and factor in accidents as completely inevitable and even in the early days to be welcomed as part of the learning process!

Good luck to your daughter, whippet.:)

Original poster

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 11:23

Breaking news....just before I took dd to nursery I sat her on the toilet for one last try and SHE DID A WEE! For the first time ever. I was so happy I almost cried, and she was thrilled with herself too. So at least I know that she can do it now, and I don't feel so bad about leaving her at nursery without a nappy.

OP posts:

AcrylicPlexiglass · 09/07/2013 11:24

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Well done to both of you.:)

Original poster

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 11:28

I agree acrylic, I know people say 'she's not ready' and 'try again in a few weeks' but this is not the first attempt and where do I put my foot down and decide to stick with it? I am fully prepared for piss over everything for the next few days but at least the weather is good and we can spend lots of time in the garden. Dd has various different neurosis about lots of things and I think being able to actually let go of her wee on the toilet was one of them. She was so chuffed with herself just now when she did it which tells me that I am doing the right thing.

OP posts:

lachrymavitis · 09/07/2013 11:44

YABU - why start when you know she is going into nursery? did you think it would only take one day?

It sounds like you've had enough and want the nursery to do it for you.

Do it in the summer holidays or talk to the nursery to see whether they are willing to potty train your child for you?

AcrylicPlexiglass · 09/07/2013 11:51

Thread has moved on, lachrimavitis. Mini whippet is now weeing on the toilet and nursery are in full support.:) Pretty good news, huh?

Sushiqueen · 09/07/2013 11:57

My dd also hated the potty as it was cold. One thing we found that helped was a padded toilet seat for todddlers. We used to take that everywhere with us. Dd didn't mind that as it was warm and cushioned and it fitted in the backpack easily. So if you can get one of those it may help at home and out and about.

great your nursery is working with you. She has probably gone into nursery feeling very proud of herself for being a big girl this morning

SoupDragon · 09/07/2013 11:58

lachrymavitis I'm guessing you only read the first post.

5madthings · 09/07/2013 11:58

Yay for wee in the toilet.

Your dd is ready by the sounds of it but also strong willed! I had this with ds4, he was 3.4 yrs in the end and i did just force the issue as he could do it he just didnt want to. Three days later and he was totally fine. He had a bit of a thing about not wanting to usr public toilets for a while but he got there with that. I did feel a bit mean but he was more than capable.

jeee · 09/07/2013 12:02

That's good news OP.

But I'd just say that using pull ups when you're out, and know that finding loos may be difficult isn't the end of the world, or even the end of the potty-training. My DC used nappies/pull ups in these situations - it made the very early days of being potty trained much less stressful. And, contrary to what all the potty training advice will tell you, it never confused my children.

Graciescotland · 09/07/2013 12:03

My DS's nursery pushed for toilet training when he was 2.8 DH was in agreement so I gave in gracefully. I used to send in six changes of clothing in resealable sandwich bags so trousers, pants and socks to make life easier for them.

Original poster

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 12:04

She already has a padded loo seat which she sat on to do her wee this morning, she still complains that it's cold which confirms that the cold thing is a blag as how cold can it be sitting on a padded seat during a heat wave?!

Yes she is completely ready which is why I have to be firm with her on this one. The wry smile on her face when she tells me that she wants to wear nappies tells me that this is a game of control that she knows I can't win!

OP posts:

happyyonisleepyyoni · 09/07/2013 12:23

Talk to the nursery, it may be easier for them than you. My DSs nursery were keen to get him potty trained ASAP, and they did not seem to have the battle of wills with him that we had at home. Seeing the others use the potty/toilet at nursery will also help encourage her.

(My kids would eat everything put in front of them, nap at naptime and generally do all kinds of things at nursery that they wouldnt do at home)

Wincher · 09/07/2013 12:36

My DS was the same about making a massive fuss about wearing a nappy - I told him last week that we had run out, showed him the empty packet and everything, and he seemed to accept it!

Original poster

Whippetwarmer · 09/07/2013 16:31

UPDATE... Dd came back from nursery wearing the same knickers and dress that I sent her in, has been using the potty at nursery, then came home and sat in the toilet and did three wees!

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 09/07/2013 16:37

Hooray. Sounds like she was really really ready or the bribery worked

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