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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted over this?

35 replies

Mosschops30 · 08/07/2013 21:23

My inlaws have the dcs overnight once a week and then every other weekend as ex h is living with them.

They have started buying clothes that ds2 (3) can only wear at their house, on occasion he has come home in 'their jacket' and Dh takes it off him at the door and takes it back.
Last week he came home with some of 'their socks' and was quite obsessed with making sure he didn't wear them and took them back

Today my CM said she is concerned that he's becoming quite anxious about his clothing and told her his grandmother had told him he couldn't wear a certain tshirt to her house (the CM)

Am I right to be livid?????? Or is this normal?

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 08/07/2013 21:23

Totally not normal! What the hell are they playing at?!

jemstipp · 08/07/2013 21:25

WTF!!

WhatWouldBeyonceDo · 08/07/2013 21:26

Yanbu

Cheap point scoring Sad they should be ashamed of themselves

YourHandInMyHand · 08/07/2013 21:27

Weirdy weird.

Tell them it is making DS anxious and you promise Hmm to send any of "their" clothes back with him on his next visit.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 08/07/2013 21:27

Unfortunately I've heard of this happening before. A friend of mine has an ex who's the same with clothes. Now you know it's actually having an impact on your DS2 is it worth trying to raise it with your ex or would he be totally unresponsive?

BrianTheMole · 08/07/2013 21:28

Why are they doing that? Its not normal. I would be having words about it. They are his clothes. He shouldn't be feeling anxious about what he is wearing. Knock it on the head now before it becomes an unhealthy obsession for him.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 08/07/2013 21:29

I dont know why they think i would want to 'keep' them! The boys are always well dressed.
I will try and discuss it with h but i imagine he wont see it from my pov

The childminder is not amused and said when she sees h she will raise it herself

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 08/07/2013 21:30

Yes i dont want him hopping around worrying about what hes wearing, hes 3 fgs Angry

OP posts:
BigBoobiedBertha · 08/07/2013 21:31

YANBU

I would certainly let the childminder raise it first. He might realise what a dick he is being if somebody other than you has noticed the impact and has a go.

Thisisaeuphemism · 08/07/2013 21:32

Bizarre.

RandomMess · 08/07/2013 21:33

It would be good if the CM raised it as she is more neutral IYSWIM. I would try and say to H that you understand he wants to hang onto all the clothes he has purchased himself and you are quite happy to return them should ds every wear them home.

So sad they are being complete idiots - so unnecessary Sad

MillyStar · 08/07/2013 21:33

My friends ex is like this!

If he picks their daughter up from school on a Friday she's back in her uniform for going home to her mum on a Sunday!!

It's very strange, what do they think you're gonna do eBay them?!

dontmeanto · 08/07/2013 21:35

My exH does this, too. It's a control thing.

thismousebites · 08/07/2013 21:35

Does he return the clothes that you send them in?

CloudsAndTrees · 08/07/2013 21:37

I'd get the childminder to do some written observations as they would do in a nursery about what your ds said. Some childminders do observations as routine anyway, so it wouldn't be that drastic an idea. Then you have something you can use to show your ex that it's affecting your ds that can't come across as it being from you. Not that you would be wrong if it did come directly from you, but you clearly aren't dealing with someone that's reasonable.

My ex has a few bits for our dc that stay at his house, but it's things like pyjamas and swimming costumes and odd spare jumpers, nothing that would ever be taken off them at the door. Just saying that because I don't think there's anything wrong with your ex and ILs having clothes for your ds at their house, and it would might help you get through to the ex if you acknowledge that it's not the clothes that are the problem. It's the attitude and whatever has been said that's the issue.

steppemum · 08/07/2013 21:41

there was another thread on this recently (today or yesterday) about clothes and ex, sorry I can't link, but it was very interesting reading

dontmeanto · 08/07/2013 21:43

My son comes back in whatever I've sent him in.

rockybalboa · 08/07/2013 21:44

Very very very weird!!

IsThatTrue · 08/07/2013 21:54

Me and XH each have our own sets of clothes for dcs. We have a 'daddy bag' so they come back in his clothes, I wash them and put them in the bag to go back next time, he does the same (minus the washing Hmm).

Taking stuff off a child at the door/making them anxious about when they wear clothes is not on. YANBU!

HooverFairy · 08/07/2013 21:56

Controlling; very, very controlling. I think it's best that your childminder brings it up with him and I hope he realises just how much of a negative impact he's had on your DS. A 3 yr old shouldn't be worrying about his clothes.

froggies · 08/07/2013 22:15

My ex does this too. He once made one of the DD's step out of a pair of wellies on the doorstep, has done the same with hats, gloves, jackets. He now returns them in what I send them in (stopped providing clothes when I couldn't afford to replace what he kept). He has a full wardrobe for each DD, won't let them wear things from my house when they are there, including jackets and shoes. On the rare occasion they come home in something from his, he lets me know that he expects it to be returned, washed.

My DD's are a wee bit older (nearly 5 and nearly 8), but for a while they too got stressed about the possibility of me keeping daddy's clothes. I ended up encouraging them to put the clothes directly into the 'dad bag' when they got undressed, and there they stayed until they went back to his. Which is probably what made him tell me to wash them, but the girls were less worried about them not going back and their getting into trouble for it, or him moaning about me to them.

The simplest solution really is just to talk to him, and let him know it is stressing DS, and if he is concerned about something happening to clothing he has paid for, to speak to you about it, not DS, however. Am fully aware that this may not be possible. I would see if CM is willing to have a word as a third party. I would also talk to DS, and see if there is any way you could put his mind at rest, maybe putting 'their things' in a specific place separate from his other clothes, so that he knows they are safe and will go back (hope that makes sense).

nothingisnothing · 08/07/2013 22:19

Not got any advice for you but thought i'd post because I'm a little guilty of wanting to keep the stuff we've bought for my Dp's Ds. Not to the point of socks though, that's just ott!
Reason why is because he comes to ours in joggers and goes back to his Mum's in nice jeans/chinos...whatever. She doesn't send anything back, or if we ask her to, it's never what we've bought or as nice as (IMO). So if we decide to go out anywhere, we end up buying new and it winds me up that we're constantly paying out.
Dp did start making ds change his clothes before taking him back to his Mums but i didn't like it.... it felt wrong. I just wish she'd send them back with him the next time. It can't be that hard can it?

I agree that you should get CM to mention it to him though and suggest that clothes are returned with next visit.

carabos · 08/07/2013 22:26

My ex did this too. Whatever clothes DS was wearing when he went to visit were never seen again and he was returned in an odd collection of clearly second-hand clothes that often didn't fit.

It was never explained and all attempts to discuss we're rebuffed. As others have said, it's a control thing, but it is cruel and unsettling.

pigletmania · 08/07/2013 22:34

Yanbu at all, that is not on. I would have words with him, and if this keeps happening stop contact until this silly behaviour stops. It's impacting on ds well being, and could create issues. He's not a doll fgs but a Chid with feelings

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 08/07/2013 22:37

Oh no h didn't buy the clothes the grandparents did
I just find this so strange, he always goes with enough clothes, pants etc, why would he need another set there? It's like saying 'yours aren't good enough so we'll buy our own but we're keeping them'

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