Children not invited to wedding - I'm not going either!

[ruby1234]

My DC have not been invited to our DNiece's wedding.

Background: DNiece is the DD of my DH sister.
We are not especially close, as DH is 10 years older than his DS and they did not grow up together. Our DC's from both sides are not friends as such, and have not seen each other for a few years.
DNiece is getting married at a small country manor house later in the year. There are only going to be 40 guests at the ceremony and wedding lunch, as this is the maximum amount of guests the wedding ceremony room can accommodate. There is an evening do afterwards with a band, disco and hog roast for 120 guests.
We knew the wedding date a long time in advance, and told DH'sis that we could only go to the daytime as we have a 30th birthday party to go to in the evening.
The invitations have arrived, and while me and DH are invited to the whole wedding including the evening, our DC's have only been invited to the evening - even though DH'sis knows none of us can go to the evening because of the other party.
My DH'mum says that due to only 40 guests being invited, once bridesmaids, parents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been invited there is not room for the 13 cousins (and partners) on both sides of the family, so the decision was taken not to invite any cousins to the day, just to the evening. (None of the cousins are close).
I have sent a no thanks reply for all of us for the whole wedding as I think that families should stick together at times like this, and that all of us should have been invited to the day, especially when they already knew we had other plans for the evening.
My DC are 28 and 22.

My DH'mum thinks we are being unreasonable to not go at all, and none of the other cousins or aunts/uncles seem to be miffed at the rebuff.

AIBU to say no?

[ClayDavis]

I'm not sure someone who hasn't RTFT should really be commenting on the half wittedness or otherwise of the OP, scarlettsmummy2.

[rootypig]

annis51 I beg your pardon but what on earth? You need to be on a street corner, not MN?

OP I dunno really, the reverse AIBU makes it difficult to judge. Can you get DSIL to post her point of view to help?

[MidniteScribbler]

Of course she should be allowed to bring them. They're probably still being breastfed.

Bitty?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Grumpy, i personally dislike evening events as the wedding is about two people making important vows. If you are not invited to the ceremony and just the night then its clear the couple dont see you as close enough to actual be at the wedding. The church is the best part, the night is just a party.

I also think some are purely about numbers in that if they have the small intimate wedding they want but many more to the evening its a way of ensuring lots of presents and cash.

[FeegleFion]

Or OP, ask DSIL to post a reverse AIBU pretending to be you.

[grumpyoldbat]

Omg so I've spent years being upset that that half our guests didn't come without telling us when all the time I should have been feeling guilty for being a grabby bitch.

FWIW we got married in a registry office that held 20. We just went with our parents, siblings and children. We didn't have a posh wedding breakfast for everyone to miss. TBH we were going to leave it at that but MIL felt we deserved a party so booked the function suite at the social club.

In our defence we had no wedding list and told people we just wanted to celebrate with them and didn't want presents. Think I'm going to cry now I hate to offend at upset people.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Evening invitations have always been the norm for us and our family.

And in my experience evening guests usually just take a card - no present

We had 150 at our wedding (big church and simple hotel meal) and 200 in the evening. Friends and extended family were invited to the evening. It meant we could invite extra people to part of the day. (Anyone could turn up at church).

Our next door neighbours got married. We were invited to the evening as non close friends. We were not at all offended.

I think some people on mums net like to be professionally offended at anything.

[Fakebook]

Annis51, are you George Banks' twin sister in personality? //😂😂😂

[hollyisalovelyname]

Shelly thank you. Do does that mean the op is the bride..... I'm a tad confused still.??

[ovenbun]

YABU

[Ilovemyself]

Happymummyofone. How understanding of you. We can't all afford to get married in a massive venue and invite everyone. Our venue could seat 60 so that's what we invited to the ceremony. We would have loved the other 140 people that came to the evening to have been there but they wouldn't fit, and we couldn't afford the sit down meal for them.

It may be all about presents and cards to you, but for us it was all about people sharing our day.

[RaisingChaotic]

OP YANBU your DIL is BVU.

Annis51, paragraphs would help in future...my eyes hurt. Btw, not everyone wants to invite 250 people no matter how much money they have.

Grumpy, not everybody is offended by evening only invites. Personally I wouldn't travel for hours to get there for an evening only but have attended local ones.

[RaisingChaotic]

SIL not DIL

[Morloth]

YABU.

Because all 'reverse' AIBU post are automatically unreasonable IMO.

Fuck it annoys the shit out of me.

[grumpyoldbat]

Raising the ones who didn't reply or accepted then didn't turn up lived a max 2 miles from the venue. Some actually lived within sight of it.

[BeccasBridesmaid]

YABU

[TeeBee]

Unreasonable.

[RaisingChaotic]

grumpy, there could be lots of reasons they didn't turn up, it's not necessarily because they were offended by your e/o invite.

FWIW your wedding sounds lovely :)

[ephemeralfairy]

Your SIL is being ridiculous, OP. It sounds like the whole 'bood-is-thicker-than-water' than water thing is being deployed as another stick to beat you with as they are fucking off the evening do for another party anyway! FWIW, for me, blood is never thicker than water unless it's my mum. I'd far rather go to the 30th birthday of a dear friend than to the wedding of family members who I'd not seen for years and wasn't close to. But then I have a big fat chip on my shoulder because I haven't got any close family other than my mum, for various unpleasant reasons

[ephemeralfairy]

Just be glad they're not coming, they hardly sound like they will contribute much jollity to the day!

[grumpyoldbat]

Thinking about it I don't know of any venues that would fit everyone in for a sit down meal. DH is one of 6, has 22 aunts and uncles (all of whom are married), 54 first cousins (52 are married), between them his cousins have over 100 children, many are grown up and married with children of their own. That's before we even look at my side or friends. Just not doable for many people to have weddings with everyone even when not considering the money.

[TenToWine]

Who is having the 30th birthday party? is it other family? That is the bit I find oddest, that they have prioritised a birthday over a wedding, and if it is not a family birthday it makes a mockery of the blood water stance.

I suspect they dont want to come and they have a crap excuse for the evening (the birthday party) and have now found a crap excuse for the day.

[trackies]

I don't find evening invites offensive. I go if its local. We did evening invites cos we couldn't afford or accommodate all guests during daytime. We certainly didn't do it for more presents or to make numbers up.

[trackies]

ephemeralfairy yes I agree. My mum and that's it. I don't get why relatives are more important just cos of shared genetic material. If they were that important then you see them more often

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

Guest-zilla!!!