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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not going on that stag do- AIBU?!

124 replies

paintyourbox · 08/07/2013 09:16

Bit of a backstory- DP has zero organisational skills. Last year we missed his friends wedding as he forgot to book the day off work and couldn't get a swap at the last minute. More recently we had to cancel a night out he had arranged as I was working late and he hasn't checked the calendar (where all of my shifts are written!)

I have booked to go on a girls weekend in August. It was booked for Sept but we had to cancel as DP forgot to tell me about a wedding we are invited too! So I ask DP, he says its all fine and go ahead and book.

Tonight he has a look of panic on his face after remembering the weekend I have booked is actually his best friends stag do. Was it on the calendar? No. Had he told me about it earlier? No.

I'm so annoyed with him. We have had so many arguments about this and he still can't sort himself out. To make it worse some of my friends have already booked trains etc so I can re-arrange it now- especially as it was because of me that we re-arranged in the first place.

So I told him that unless he finds someone to have DD (bear in mind our families are 6 hours away) that he will not be going on the stag do!

AIBU? I feel like this is the only way he will learn. I've bought him a diary, we have weekly "meetings" to check in with what's going on and still he doesn't get it!

OP posts:
ActionLog · 08/07/2013 12:35

Clearly YANBU but I suspect coming is a scenario where he arrange something less an ideal at the last minute but claims to be fine with it. Then saying if you that if you don't like it, you can cancel instead.

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 12:36

Indeed.

Jubelteen · 08/07/2013 12:43

You didn't mention how of your DC are? Very easy for people to say well it's his problem, go away and leave him to get on with it, but in reality you won't relax and have a good time if you're worried about the DC. In an ideal world men would be equally responsible for arranging childcare, but reality is very different. If the DC are old enough that a weekend with 'unsuitable' childcare, e.g. an uncle who feeds them McDonalds and lets them play non-stop computer games, won't cause any lasting damage then I'd go and not worry. If they are younger babies then I'm not sure, too much stress and worry.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 08/07/2013 12:50

Jubelteen - their ages are irrelevant, I think. If she doesn't make a stand, things will just carry on. I think the assumption is that he won't be able to find childcare, therefore he won't be able to go to the stag do and in future he will make a point of planning and consultation like normal people do because he will have learned his vital lesson for today.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 08/07/2013 12:50

He sounds like he can't be bothered to organise himself, as you've rallied round in the past. Well, actions - or rather disorganisation - has consequences. His problem, he can sort it. Don't alter your weekend away (again!) because he thinks he is more important than you. All this 'scattiness' talk is just a smokescreen for 'can't be arsed and everyone will work around me'.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/07/2013 12:51

YADNBU.

he cocked up, so its up to him to sort it out.

There seem to be loads of threads similar to this, probably many younger couples go on same sex holidays.
My dc do this but are 18 and 21, I don't think they would intend doing this when they have a family to be responsible for.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 08/07/2013 12:52

I would state now, very clearly, what is and isn't acceptable. As icecreamandsauce suggests, I'd also give him a deadline, perhaps two weeks before the event, in which to have it ALL booked in, so that he doesn't try dumping on you at the last minute.

Please don't feel guilty OP, you have done nothing wrong. He's created this situation, and it's not your responsibilty to bend over backwards to help him out. If it were a one off, I might feel differently, but this is repeated behaviour, and he's not learning because he hasn't had to.

Heaven forbid, but what if something happened to you which meant you weren't there to bail him out all the time? How would he cope? Would he make sure your DD was properly looked after?

OhDearNigel · 08/07/2013 12:58

I reckon it's more that he actually has you right where he wants you, like a monkey on a stick rather than "scatty" or ADHD

Complete overreaction. DH and I are woefully disorganised, our lives are totally chaotic because we are both extremely busy people. We both regularly forget things. Doesn't make either of us emotionally manipulative. Just scatty

diddl · 08/07/2013 13:00

I don't think that the ages are irrelevant tbh.

As a pp said, if very young, OP will only worry.

If older, perhaps even "scatty" BIL, although not ideal, would be OK.

Original poster
paintyourbox · 08/07/2013 14:56

DD is a year old so a little too young to be left with her uncle (who lives off takeaways and likes to stay up until 3am!)

I should say, DP is wonderful in every other way. He helps round the house, does lots with DD, is kind, generous and patient. But he just isn't a natural organiser!

He feels really bad that this has happened yet again but he just can't seem to understand how he keeps getting it wrong. I do wonder if its stress (he has a very high pressure job) and that he just has too much going on some times.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 08/07/2013 15:04

Yanbu tat will teach him to be more organised. He would not got the stag if he was a single parent unless he found childcare. H needs to learn

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 08/07/2013 19:39

I bet he does feel really bad. I bet he's gutted! Why wouldn't he be? He's messed up, and it looks like, for once, it's going to impact on his social life, instead of someone else's.

I can so totally see you capitulating OP, when (not if) he doesn't sort childcare, and he's on the brink of missing his best mate's stag do. This has capitulation written all over it. And he knows it.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 08/07/2013 19:42

I mean, if he hasn't got the basic nous to write a date down on a calendar, nor remember said date when prompted several times .... how on earth is he going to arrange suitable childcare for a one-year old?

I mean, this is actual rocket science, as far as he's concerned. Not a snowball's chance in hell he'll do it. He knows it, you know it, we know it.

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 20:07

Indeed (again)

RantyMcRantpants · 08/07/2013 20:15

Do you both have iPhones? You can get Google calendars on them and get them linked so if you add something it shows on his calendar and vice a versa.

But agree with the others he needs to sort it if he wants to go and it needs to be proper childcare.

Original poster
paintyourbox · 08/07/2013 20:35

So the argument over where DD is going has begun, he is suggesting driving the 6 hours to his parents, dropping her off for the weekend then collecting her on the way back.

Hmmmm.....

OP posts:
Original poster
paintyourbox · 08/07/2013 20:36

Oh Ranty we already have said calendars on google- he just bloody forgets to put things in it!

OP posts:
pictish · 08/07/2013 20:37

Sounds fine! I take he means that he will drive.

Original poster
paintyourbox · 08/07/2013 20:40

Oh yes pictish he will drive!

He has also pointed out that he may end up not going on stag do anyway as he is due a (minor) op in the next few months (date tbc) and recovery will not lend itself to an outdoorsy lads stag do.

OP posts:
Turniptwirl · 08/07/2013 21:10

Don't you dare cancel for him!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 08/07/2013 21:15

You do realise that coming up with clearly stupid suggestions could be seen as an attempt to manipulate you into stepping in and sorting it out, don't you?

I suggest that you say fine, you do two 6 hour drives in the space of a weekend.

I bet once you don't step in, he rethinks that idea. If I'm wrong I'LL have your daughter for the weekend!!!

Gurraun · 08/07/2013 21:15

OP - I think we are married to the same man!!

DontmindifIdo · 08/07/2013 21:22

I'd just say "ok, if you want to do that and you're sure your parents are happy to have her for the weekend, then that's fine." why are you arguing about it? Because it's a long drive and you'd not want to do it? but you won't have to do it, he will, and hopefully your DD will sleep for the bulk of it so it won't bother her.

If he's scatty and can't plan, don't feel the need to argue and step in because it's not a plan you'd be prepared to do. It could be that the dynamic in your relationship is he has crazy ideas and you bring them down to earth and make them workable - but in this case keep telling yourself as long as DD is safe, you do'nt have to make the logistics workable, that's his job this time.

Nod, smile and say, "ok, just let me know what you've sorted." do'nt get drawn in to the planning stage. This is not your problem so you shouldn't be having an argument about it (you might find stepping back when you know he's crap will be as hard for you as it will be for him to come up with a sensible plan).

DontmindifIdo · 08/07/2013 21:25

oh, and stamp all over any suggest that you "aren't letting him go on the stag do" you have no problem with him going on a stag do, you are however, not cancelling your weekend away and he's got to sort childcare. That's it. not you not letting him, just that he has a DD now and can't just pop her in a drawer for the weekend.

WhoNickedMyName · 08/07/2013 21:37

I wouldn't get drawn into a discussion about the logistics of the child care arrangements.

If he wants to do two 6 hr drives then he can do.

Tell him you are happy for your DD to stay with his parents or yours, but no one else, and it's up to him to make it happen.

Or his other choice is to give the stag do a miss.

End of discussion, no argument required.

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