He is not going on that stag do- AIBU?!

[paintyourbox]

Bit of a backstory- DP has zero organisational skills. Last year we missed his friends wedding as he forgot to book the day off work and couldn't get a swap at the last minute. More recently we had to cancel a night out he had arranged as I was working late and he hasn't checked the calendar (where all of my shifts are written!)

I have booked to go on a girls weekend in August. It was booked for Sept but we had to cancel as DP forgot to tell me about a wedding we are invited too! So I ask DP, he says its all fine and go ahead and book.

Tonight he has a look of panic on his face after remembering the weekend I have booked is actually his best friends stag do. Was it on the calendar? No. Had he told me about it earlier? No.

I'm so annoyed with him. We have had so many arguments about this and he still can't sort himself out. To make it worse some of my friends have already booked trains etc so I can re-arrange it now- especially as it was because of me that we re-arranged in the first place.

So I told him that unless he finds someone to have DD (bear in mind our families are 6 hours away) that he will not be going on the stag do!

AIBU? I feel like this is the only way he will learn. I've bought him a diary, we have weekly "meetings" to check in with what's going on and still he doesn't get it!

YANBU - might teach him too (but doubtful)

My dh says he won't learn...but I think he might. If he has to go through the whole rigmarole of organising child care (and I have no doubt whatsoever that he will expect this task to fall to you to sort out - don't) and taking her wherever she needs to be for it, he will think twice about breezing in and waving his it's-short-notice-but-it's-all-about-me flag, and write some damn dates down on the calendar, like a fucking adult.

TBh after years of dh being like this he never remembers anything I just dont care anymore to even give it a 2nd thought if i am doing something first then it is just tough ,

YANBU - DH and I work it that whoever has something in the diary first has the dibs on those dates. If the other wants to go out on the same night then they have to arrange childcare or not go

As other posters have said, you are not his Mum. If it was important enough he would have remembered earlier. YADNBU.

Heck no, I assume he's a grown adult man so more than capable of sorting himself out if he really has to.

How the hell does he cope with work? I find it peculiar that some people are completely lacking in organisational skills at home but manage to hold down a job...

YANBU

It would be unfair on your friends to rearrange again, plus he's the one who hasn't planned things properly, why should you miss out on your nice girly weekend as a result? Maybe it will encourage him to be more organised in future.

He didn't take any notice of your prior commitment because its just not as important as his. He knows that you will always be there so he doesn't need to check if you are available to look after DD when he wants a night out, it goes without saying.

Please don't allow this selfish man's 'needs' trump yours OP. you have already rearranged due to his incompetence, tough shit if he can't go.

Do you think he will be able to make adequate childcare arrangements, is there a danger that he will decide he's going anyway and leave you and Dd in the lurch?

'He is treating you like his mother to even argue the toss about this! Aww silly boy has made a mistake...mummy make it aaalllll better.'

That only works when they are small and cute and illiterate. DS has learnt the realities now. OP, your husband needs to do the same and if you keep fixing stuff for him, he has no reason to change. Stop facilitating his ineptitude.

consequences

we all learn from them, no reason to think that he doesn't have to suffer from them too

go on your girls weekend and he can go to fuck

YANBU He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility. Either he organises child care for his child or he doesn't go, not your problem.

the last time DH did this i was going to my friend in England for her 40th birthday arrangements made train booked blah blah a week before I was due to do he remembered he had a work do to go to a retirement I think , he honestly expected me to run around trying to find baby sitters PFFT I left him to it I dont even know or care if he went,

Agree with Don - stay strong and remember YANBU!

After all OP - how did you learn?
Let him get on with it. Be pleasant but detach.

Hooray hooray for Mrs Jay!

Ha, what a muppet.

Do you think he will manage to get childcare that you can trust? (ie he's not going to pick a random babysitter etc)

Stay strong!

It's a problem he created so it's up to him to figure out a solution.

This is going to be utterly unanimous

His cock-up, his problem. If it's not on the calendar then it's not happening.

Do NOT give in an help him out!

Another YANBU, but you knew this. :)

Yanbu this is his problem to sort out.

I had this issue when i had arranged a weekend away months in advance and i reminded dp a hundred times to sort his work rota, he didnt and was working. I had my train tickets and hotel booked and paid for. He sorted childcare, i didnt get involved.

Hate hate hate the default position that childcare is for mums to sort out!

YADNBU. Too bloody bad for him - time he learnt to think for himself and not keep relying on you to organise his life. He's an idiot.

Is the wedding someone close?

Not sure I would have reorganised a weekend in Paris for that!

Pretty good of your friends to do it imo.

I just don't understand how people can be like this.

But am wondering if you often/usually give in so he really doesn't have to bother himself with remembering anything!

Of course YANBU!

I do feel a bit guilty for putting my foot down but he does need to learn.

He has always been quite scatty- it's a running joke with all our friends and family! I think his job makes him worse as he has a secretary who keeps him (and his bosses) in check- I met her once and she said its like herding cats trying to keep them organised!

OP what was his response when you said that unless he can arrange childcare for DD he can't go? Do he see that as tantamount to just Not Going or as a challenge he's keen to undertake to ensure everyone's happy?