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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a friend a wedding present?

101 replies

milktraylady · 08/07/2013 07:24

Been friends with A for 6 years, meet up every month or so with another friend (let's call her friend B).
A is getting married soon. We have heard all about the wedding plans. B and I were hoping for an invite.

Nope- not getting invited!
Saw her last week, 160 people are going its not a sit down meal, so it's not like there isn't space for 2 more chairs/ the expense of 2 more people.

I'm gutted. I really thought we were friends & wanted to share her special day. B & I both like her OH and are really happy for her.

So- am I being unreasonable to not give her a wedding present? She told us she only wants money as they don't have their own place yet & will be moving quite a bit for a year or two, so they don't want lots of 'stuff'. (Which she could store at her parents big house)

I don't think she understands that wedding presents are supposed to set you up in life, not provide you with cash.

Do I send them a congrats card just? Can't bring myself to ever give money for wedding present, vouchers at the most.

Or do I just not bother to arrange to see her again & let the friendship go? (we've been forgotten about quite a bit since the new man came on the scene)

Come on mumsnet tell me what to do! Smile

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/07/2013 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/07/2013 09:44

Oops sorry wrong thread Blush

specialsubject · 08/07/2013 09:46

you don't seem to have much in common any more. Lose her and forget about not being invited to a party.

and definitely no gift!

LemonPeculiarJones · 08/07/2013 09:51

I wouldn't even send a card. She's been self-absorbed, dismissive and superior.

Focus on your actual friends. Send one of them a card out of the blue, instead Grin

SarahAndFuck · 08/07/2013 09:59

Wheresmy - the ''filth ends of the children" has made my morning Grin

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/07/2013 10:00

This auto correct has a mind of its own seriously. I've knackered my iPhone :o

ViviPru · 08/07/2013 10:46

Filth Ends Grin

OP it's still not clear to me whether she actually told you and B that she expects a monetary gift from you specifically or if that's just the general protocol they've chosen.

I suspect she doesn't expect a gift from you at all. I didn't even expect gifts from those I invited let alone those we didn't. So the simple answer to your AIBU is YANBU.

I think it's partly down to you not being as important to her as you would have liked to have thought, your lives diverging, and possibly financial/family pressures on guestlist/numbers. It's yawnsome and insensitive for her to yap on about her wedding to you all the time, but it's hard when you're consumed with planning a wedding to focus on anything else at times.

I think you're clutching at straws a bit with her reaction to your baby. I think your friendship might have just run its course naturally.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 08/07/2013 10:48

Focus on your actual friends. Send one of them a card out of the blue, instead - LemonPeculiarJones

Aww, there's lovely!

Pigsmummy · 08/07/2013 10:53

Could it be that you are invited to evening doo and the invites haven't come out yet? If she has 160 then maybe they really can't add two more places? I had 128 and there wasn't one for even 1 more.

Do you know her family? Friends? If not maybe that's why? Anyhow I wouldn't worry about the gift if you don't get an invite, if you really want to go then ask if you are going to be invited. If not then I would recommend giving her a wide berth until after the wedding, see if she maintains contact.

vladthedisorganised · 08/07/2013 10:58

Playing devil's advocate for a second, there may be an explanation for a non-invite: if their parents are organising/paying they may not have many friends they can invite among the family and family friends.

I would say ViviPru has it right - if she's instructed you and B to give a monetary gift she's being incredibly rude and incredibly grabby. Ignore it.
If it was mentioned in passing then it's a bit thoughtless but not malicious: a card will always be nice. I was really surprised and pleased to get a card from my neighbours, even though the wedding was miles away and we didn't invite them.
I wouldn't take it as an automatic slur on your friendship if that's the case. There are plenty of people I'd have loved to invite to our wedding, but we would have had upwards of 1000 attending if we'd had everyone along!

curryeater · 08/07/2013 10:59

It's not all about you. You don't get to decide how easy or not it would be to accommodate 2 more people at the reception, or where she can store her wedding presents (that particular point was particularly silly as it is not just one step but two steps away from being anything to do with you - not even your friend's house you are suggesting, but your friend's parents' house. It is hilarious that it has not occurred to you that your friend's parents might not think it is their business what they have in their space)

don't get a present, if you don't want to, but also: it's not all about you. You sound hard work. You remind me of a friend of mine who was one of a threesome, who dropped out of a planned night out and then wouldn't let me see the other one on our own, although I was desperate for some company after a bad break up, because the whole thing had to be rescheduled to suit her. Friends shouldn't be like that

JRmumma · 08/07/2013 11:30

That's a bit harsh curryeater, OP wasn't saying she felt like she had a right to be invited, she wants opinion on whether to send a gift.

curryeater · 08/07/2013 11:47

No, she was saying she was asking about whether she should send a gift, but the gist of it is that she thinks she should be invited, she can't see why she is not a priority and she thinks that the couple should be prepared to accommodate many tangible gifts they neither want nor need (in fact calling in favours from third parties to do so), because that is what people like the OP like to give. Actually she was complaining about the fact that this wedding is being planned with no reference to her feelings at all, and pretending she is asking whether she should therefore give a present.

Which is because whatever present she gives or doesn't give is the only thing in her control, the only thing that reasonably has anything to do with her at all. It is clear that none of the rest of it has anything to do with her. In fact, even this has little to do with her in the sense that it doesn't seem that the couple are remotely expecting a present, so this is a non-issue, which is exactly what is bothering the OP - is is not all about her, or in fact remotely about her

littleredragon · 08/07/2013 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KobayashiMaru · 08/07/2013 13:23

Don't be ridiculous curryeater, OP is not the difficult one here. Going on and on about your big wedding to friends you have no intention of inviting is just bloody rude, and if you don't see that,my guess would be that so are you.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2013 13:31

She didn't invite you and told you she wants money? Yeah, don't we all. Send her a card and consider her an acquaintance, not a friend.

LemonPeculiarJones · 08/07/2013 13:33

Yes curryeater, your situation/particular disappointment sounds very different to the OP's.

Floggingmolly · 08/07/2013 13:38

She had the bad grace to discuss acceptable wedding presents with you while telling you you're not invited? Shock

ViviPru · 08/07/2013 13:40

ha thanks littlered. Although if you knew me IRL, doubtless you'd soon get bored of all of the words I'm prone to suffix 'some' on to Grin

Crinkle77 · 08/07/2013 13:44

How bizarre? Just send a card and no pressie and leave it at that.

trackies · 08/07/2013 13:55

Are you definitely not invited ? is it possible that you are, but you just haven't received the invites yet or they've gone to wrong place/got lost in post/someone accidentally forgot to post them?

really can't believe someone you meetup with once a month is not inviting you to their 160 guest wedding. If i was not inviting someone, i prob wouldn't be discussing it with them.

DeWe · 08/07/2013 13:56

We had a few people send presents who weren't invited to our wedding, but they were all friends of our parents and wouldn't have expected an invite.
I wouldn't think she's expecting a present anyway. I would send a card, and I'd happily go to the ceremony too if I wanted to support her.

Holding the baby, you may see as a slight on your baby. It's not, lots of people who don't have their own baby are scared to hold them. My dsis was desperate to have her own, but used to refuse to hold them because they looked so fragile she was convinced she would drop them.

If she's been discussing the wedding with enthusiasm in front of you then either imo she thinks that you wouldn't expect to be invited, or she was wanting to explain why, but couldn't get the courage to say.

If she's invited 160, there's probably a reason for that, probably fire regulations in one of the venues. And it may be that if she invited you two there's 20 other people who are equally friendly with them that would then be in line for an invite. So it may not be as easy as just slipping two more in.

trackies · 08/07/2013 14:01

oh OP, i did n't want to hold babies before i had one myself. I wasn't really maternal and couldn't really see what all the fuss was about. Now that my babies are no longer babies, I love holding babies. But i wouldn't read too much into that.

trackies · 08/07/2013 14:02

If she's been discussing the wedding with enthusiasm in front of you maybe you are invited but just haven't received it yet ?

ladymontdore · 08/07/2013 14:28

Firstly, you do not have to give a card if you are not invited. You might like to if they were eg neighbours that you liked / grew up with but weren't friends as such.

Secondly I wouldn't think too much about the 'importance' of the invite /non-invite. We had about 120 at our wedding, by the time we'd done family, god parents and parents' friends (they were paying so only fair) we had space for about 7 or 8 friends each. I know I have friends now that I wouldn't invite to a wedding or expect to be invited to theirs. Coffee morning type buddies but not the sort of people I'd keep in touch with if we moved if that makes sense. I like them, spend time with them but it's not a deep friendship.

Thirdly - loads of people don't like holding babies!

fourthly - if she is expecting a present: drop her sharpish!

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