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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a friend a wedding present?

101 replies

milktraylady · 08/07/2013 07:24

Been friends with A for 6 years, meet up every month or so with another friend (let's call her friend B).
A is getting married soon. We have heard all about the wedding plans. B and I were hoping for an invite.

Nope- not getting invited!
Saw her last week, 160 people are going its not a sit down meal, so it's not like there isn't space for 2 more chairs/ the expense of 2 more people.

I'm gutted. I really thought we were friends & wanted to share her special day. B & I both like her OH and are really happy for her.

So- am I being unreasonable to not give her a wedding present? She told us she only wants money as they don't have their own place yet & will be moving quite a bit for a year or two, so they don't want lots of 'stuff'. (Which she could store at her parents big house)

I don't think she understands that wedding presents are supposed to set you up in life, not provide you with cash.

Do I send them a congrats card just? Can't bring myself to ever give money for wedding present, vouchers at the most.

Or do I just not bother to arrange to see her again & let the friendship go? (we've been forgotten about quite a bit since the new man came on the scene)

Come on mumsnet tell me what to do! Smile

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 08/07/2013 08:10

She's done you an enormous favour by showing how rude and self centred she is !

Passmethecrisps · 08/07/2013 08:11

I wondered why a friend had gone a bit stony with me in the run up to my wedding. Another friend finally piped up and asked why she wasn't invited. The invite had gone to the wrong address - I was apparently using an old list. Friendship never recovered. However, I never see this friend which is how it happened in the first place. Sounds like this lady is being a bit of a moose. If there is a genuine reason why you can't be invited then she should have raised it early on.

Card only - no gift.

If she had a genuine reason for not inviting you and had not been a moose then I would suggest a small gift

MortifiedAdams · 08/07/2013 08:11

Get them this card

formicadinosaur · 08/07/2013 08:12

Card only. Could it be that most of that lot are family? Extended family

Jaynebxl · 08/07/2013 08:16

I think you need to take the friendship for what it is, a monthly get together with a couple of mates having a drink and a chat but not too involved in each others lives. Then you can still go and enjoy the evening once a month with A and B and not expect or offer more than that.

I would definitely send a nice friendly wedding card and that's all.

Original poster
milktraylady · 08/07/2013 08:18

Mortified love the card!
Tesco should actually sell that card! Grin

She knows my address- she drove to my house!

We think she is being one of those women who drops their friends when they get a man & attach themselves to his life. This is her first boyfriend so we didn't know she had that tendency.

OP posts:
Original poster
milktraylady · 08/07/2013 08:19

Ah well you win some you lose some.

B is a great friend hooray!

OP posts:
IceNoSlice · 08/07/2013 08:21

People without children can often be daft and come across as patronising/smug when it comes to babies IME. Even otherwise normal people. It's because it all sounds so simple when your mum/auntie/mate at work tells you about getting them to sleep through or whatever. So they feel the need to pass on this 'wisdom'. They have absolutely NO IDEA how hard it can be in practise. I just smile and nod and think 'you'll learn, one day!'

Send a card. Be polite. If she initiates a meet, they up to you whether you fancy it but don't waste energy on her, focus it on your little person instead Smile

megsmouse · 08/07/2013 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewhitebag · 08/07/2013 08:24

Woah. Wait a minute. How do you know that she and DH (to be) have not got a huge family, loads of very old friends (i mean from birth kinds) and parents/PIL to be with lots of people they expect to be invited? Perhaps she just could not accommodate any more people. I think it is terrible to 'expect' an invitation to any wedding.

If you like your friend get her a present. I got lots of wedding presents from people i didn't even know (friends of my DP and DGP) never mind invited to the wedding.

I think you are a very mean spirited lot on MN sometimes.

Original poster
milktraylady · 08/07/2013 08:26

Icenoslice good advice

(Like the way that rhymes!)

I thought it was odd that she didn't want a cuddle with baby then proceeded to tell us she will have one in a years time.

A bitter- ha! It's not always that easy love.

Lets face it this friendship is so over!
Laters rude ladyShock

OP posts:
Scruffey · 08/07/2013 08:30

Card only. 160 and no invite for you puts you pretty low down in her life IMO.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 08/07/2013 08:33

When's the wedding? Maybe she hasn't actually sent the invites yet just put them together (with naff money grabby poem).

If not ditch the bitch, the least she could have done whilst giving you all the chat was set your expectations you wouldn't be invited due to...

  • Her DF having 150 brothers and sisters
  • Her sister was insisting all children and children's classmates were invited
  • Only people earning over 150k were allowed with cash gift minimum
  • MIL controlling guest list and DF wouldn't stand up to her
  • ... Insert crap excuse of your choice

How self centred to go on and on when you weren't coming. Although her behaviour around your new baby (congratulations) sounds like that's no surprise.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 08/07/2013 08:36

Sorry littlewhitebag x-post and mine was sarcy but not aimed at your comment Smile

Just bitter experience of doing our own guest list

MrsMook · 08/07/2013 08:39

I think the baby episode might partially explain it. Sad.

Card. No present. I'd be feeling sore too. A small intimate wedding I'd understand, but a friend you see regularly, excited wedding chat, and a large crowd... YANBU.

HadALittleFaithBaby · 08/07/2013 08:48

But littlewhite surely if she does have a massive amount of people she is obliged to invite she'd have a conversation with the OP and B saying Listen I value your friendship and this is a bit awkward but I can't invite you to the wedding?

OP you don't think she's waiting to see if other people can't come so there's room to invite you do you? When is the wedding?

JRmumma · 08/07/2013 08:50

littlewhitebag i agree with you, you always upset some people when you get married unless you invite everyone you have ever met. But 6 years of meeting up once a month for 6 years seems like quite an important friendship and at the very least id expect she felt either obliged to explain why they weren't invited (in a hinty type way) or her not to go on about wedding to them. 160 guests is alot, id be upset if i were OP.

claudedebussy · 08/07/2013 08:50

well i'd be hurt too. card but no pressie.

petra27 · 08/07/2013 08:51

I think your feelings have been hurt and perhaps you are being a bit harsh?

Just wondering how much control she has over the invite list?
Maybe not so much?

I had 150+ at my wedding, DH invited 20ish, me 20ish, families the other 110 (and my 20 included my bmaids (3) and their partners (another 3) who had been 'chosen' for me years before, so in reality I invited about 15 people....

This is not necessarily the way I'd choose to do my wedding, but it was what was expected, and at some point I realised that my marriage was more important to me than the day itself, and if that was what my family had been dreaming of for many years then I was happy they were happy.

The fact that they aren't having a sit down meal or an evening do also suggests costs are a factor and perhaps 2 more invites might honestly be over what they have financially.

I would be very reluctant to hold someone's baby as I would be worried about doing something wrong due to lack of experience- not because I don't like babies or want one myself (desperately, in fact) but it would be a bit unfair for me to be characterised as odd for this.

Finally maybe she really does understand that wedding presents are to help you set up in life but geniunely will be moving a lot. The fact that her parents have a big house is honestly none of your business and may not affect her at all.

I wouldnt want to acquire a load of stuff if I knew I would have to store it al at my parents as I would never hear the end of it.

If she is a good friend generally I'd try and let go of the lack of invite...

LondonNinja · 08/07/2013 08:53

She might have had loads of family and old friends going but she is rude to prattle on about her wedding and not explain why you're not invited!

I'd send a very plain card.

(Hate the cash request personally - urgh.)

wigglesrock · 08/07/2013 09:00

I don't bother with presents if I'm not invited. Occasionally I'd sent a card depending on how I knew the person.

I think you're being harsh re her not wanting to hold your baby. I'm not crazy about holding newborns and I've 3 of my own. I think most of us made silly comments before we'd kids - if anything I sometimes find new parents to be a little more patronising and smug than those who haven't kids - and I'm including myself Blush

shewhowines · 08/07/2013 09:03

Card but no present.

Did she apologise for the lack of invite or justify it in some way?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/07/2013 09:13

What petra said.

160 sounds like alot but by the time you have got through two lots of families, the children, the people you have to invite as they invited you to theirs, and the X won't go unless Y&Z are invited also, and the filth ends of the children that they are allowed to invite to keep them company, there might genuinely not be room for any more.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/07/2013 09:13

Filth ends? FFA damn phone. Friends

shewhowines · 08/07/2013 09:38

Yes but wheresmy surely if that is the case, you apologise and explain so that people understand the reasons and don't feel hurt.