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Original poster

Division of domestic tasks

59 replies

Verycold · 07/07/2013 18:21

For 12 years I have been a SAHM, three children aged 12,9 and 7, youngest has special needs. Dh works full time and is also now doing an MBA. From September I will go back to secondary teaching, .8 timetable which means one morning, two afternoons and one full day off per fortnight, but most likely will need to do planning and marking then and in evenings and possibly at weekend. How should domestic tasks, which so far have largely been done by me, divided up now? If a cleaner was hired, is there an obvious answer who should pay for it?

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteagain · 07/07/2013 19:18

hello hearts. Did you have a good holiday. DS got 42 IB points yesterday - woo hoo.

Apologies - end of hijack Grin.

As you were.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/07/2013 19:19

And the MBA is a red herring in my opinion... that is a choice he is making about how to spend his free time. Although I suppose the whole family will (in theory) benefit from his higher future salary. Hmm ok I admit that bit is tricky!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/07/2013 19:21

Ooh x post OP! I think it partly hinges on why he is doing it and what he wants to get out of it? Also why he is choosing now To do it - it's going to be quite an adjustment for your family already with you going back to work.

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 19:22

He started the mba a year ago, before he knew I would be working.

The thing is I would be quite happy as long as he didn't call it "my" tasks!!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/07/2013 19:27

Is his MBA essential for career progression or is he doing just because he wants to? The answer to that defines whether it is work or free time.

And yes, a joint account would have you paying in proportionately so you both have the same amount of spending money.

We did it with all of our income going into one account and then the same amount each being taken out per month for spending. The rest paid the bills and (sometimes!) savings.

Bogeyface · 07/07/2013 19:28

Oh and childcare comes under the heading of bills so must come out of joint money.

elastamum · 07/07/2013 19:32

To be fair you both should have the same amount of personal spending money - everything else goes into the joint pot.

Same goes for free time. If domestic and other work is split fairly - you should both get the same amount of free time. Not sure about the MBA though, but suggest you point out to him that unless he wants to help out on the domestic front you should get a cleaner!!

PosyNarker · 07/07/2013 19:35

MBA is tricky. On the one hand it's good to support each other in following your dreams and it could also benefit you all in the long run. On the other hand, I do think there comes a point where you can commit yourself to a huge amount of effort over and above full time work, but it is not fair to expect your DP to do a corresponding amount to compensate (they may agree to, but it shouldn't be expected).

What I mean by that is that if, eg one person wants to volunteer/learn/get involved with politics for 12hrs a week, it shouldn't follow that their DP automatically does 12hrs more 'wife work'. My own DP has numerous professional activities and also hobbies. We have had discussions about what they do for him / us and agreed whether I will pick up the slack accordingly.

So for chartered status, no brainer. When he wanted to study a completely separate and non-career enhancing subject that was his 'leisure time' (I did pick up a bit around exams because I could and I'm not a total ass). That said I presume this discussion was had prior to signing up to MBA? Certainly we've had that discussion and I've not committed to one yet..,

Xiaoxiong · 07/07/2013 19:40

Well OP I assume you have pulled him up on that and said "hang on - they've only been "my tasks" while I wasn't working, now I'm going back to work explain to me how they are all still my responsibility?"

DH and I split responsibilities across the school year - he is a teacher, I'm not but work about the equivalent of 0.8 from home. He is often doing courses by choice to further his career. I often work late on stuff or have late conference calls. So I think pretty similar to your setup.

All year round:
Cleaner - bathrooms, floors, dusting - paid out of joint money (see below)
Me - laundry, nappies, tidying
DH - bins, car, weekly shop, tidying

Jobs that I do in term time and he does in the holidays:

  • delegating childcare (me) or looking after DS full time in the holidays (DH)
  • meal planning and cooking
  • ironing
  • gardening

All money paid into joint account and then once a month we sit down and have a family finance meeting: first any debt from previous month is paid off, then fixed amount out into savings, then we take out equal amounts for personal use (varies each month but is equal). Any excess at the end of each month in joint also goes into savings.

We have equal amounts of free time too. During term he teaches 6 days a week so I get all day Sat with DS, then he gives me a lie-in on Sundays. In holiday time he gets a lie in on Sat, I get one Sun.

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 19:53

Trouble is I just can't have a calm discussion with him. Tbh I don't even like him atm.

OP posts:
Hassled · 07/07/2013 20:00

I think it's a huge period of readjustment for both parents when one goes back to work after a long time at home. My DH was bloody useless, tbh - not out of malice, just because he had had so many years of having his shirts ironed and the floor washed etc that it took a big change in mindset to accept that he had to do more now. He's got a lot better over time (I still have to spell out the bleeding obvious fairly often).

So don't get livid just yet - see how the reality is. It's probably all still a bit abstract for him.

grobagsforever · 07/07/2013 20:02

Oh dear verycold. Do you want to talk more? Sorry you are going through this, its excellent that you are returning to work, well done.

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 20:02

Fair enough, but did he call the housework your tasks...?

OP posts:
Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 20:04

Thank you grobags, not sure I feel up to saying more at the moment. Hmm

OP posts:
Hassled · 07/07/2013 20:11

No, he didn't call them my tasks. And as I say, it was crapness rather than malice - rereading, it does sound like you have a lot more to contend with.

I do know that if you started a thread on the Relationships board you'd get a lot of support. Hope you're OK.

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 20:34

Thanks Hassled

OP posts:
Jinsei · 07/07/2013 20:34

So OP, are you now going to be contributing to the mortgage and household bills? If so, then the cleaner and any childcare should just be treated as any other bill and split accordingly. If he is still paying for these, then I think it's fair enough for you to pay for the cleaner.

Presumably he will benefit from you going back to work as there will be more money coming into the household. It seems odd for him to think that he can enjoy the benefits without sharing any of the load. Confused

Jinsei · 07/07/2013 20:36

Is it that he doesn't want you to go back to work for some reason, OP?

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 20:37

We don't have a mortgage. He pays for the utilities etc, but I pay home and life insurance, food shopping and kids' extracurricular stuff, so I think finances are quite fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 20:38

I think he likes the status quo and doesn't want change

OP posts:
Squitten · 07/07/2013 20:43

Well he can't have it both ways OP.

If he wants you to retain "your" tasks (Angry) then do so. But you also get to keep all the money from your job too. Use it to get a cleaner. That way, nothing changes for him. At all.

He cannot expect the benefits of your job in his pocket if he is unwilling to accept that it changes your family dynamic. He sounds like a really selfish twat.

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 20:56

At the same time he gets narked that I am not all loving and adoring to him.

OP posts:
AllSWornOut · 07/07/2013 21:03

I'm not going to comment on the "your" tasks thing as you've had loads of good advice already, but you asked if you have a joint account whether you pay in proportion to income?

I would say that it's totally irrelevant. I know everyone does things a bit differently, but to keep things the most simple, you both pay all salary into a joint account, all bills come out of the joint account and whatever's left over goes into joint savings for your joint future. In our case some of the savings were set up individually so we keep those payments separately - we each get an allowance out of which we pay for these specific investments and some money left over for our own private spending.

But how well that would work depends on your husband not being a twat about dividing the household up into "your" tasks (everything to keep the house running smoothly) and "his" tasks (not very much by the sounds of it) and the overall strength of your relationship Hmm

Original poster
Verycold · 07/07/2013 21:20

Dunno. I prefer the idea somewhat of paying some of our income into a joint account, but keeping our personal accounts as well.

OP posts:
AllSWornOut · 07/07/2013 21:22

I might not have been clear, the allowances are paid into our individual accounts (and the sum is the same as we both work equally hard in our different ways to keep the household running smoothly).