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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sons boyfriend

81 replies

mogy · 07/07/2013 17:35

hi
my son has a boyfriend the boyfriend used to be a girl, my son has been gay sine he was born, the boyfriend has always identified as a gay man they have been dating for a year (they told me two months ago) they're a really sweet couple the boyfriend is quite manly and has a unisex name the school has a summer uniform where the girls wear skirts boys shorts they tried to tell the boyfriend that since he was born a girl he must wear a skirt, my son is planning with his friends as a protest to wear skirts to school. i'm quite proud but i want to know whether i am being unreasonable by sticking my nose in and complaining to the school, the boyfriend lives in a care home where they don't care much about anything. am i being unreasonable

OP posts:
HollyMadison · 08/07/2013 15:12

Maybe you could contact the organization Stonewall for information to help with your complaint and support for your DS's friend. They are a very highly regarded organization.

TeamSouthfields · 08/07/2013 15:22

Basically, its a girl who dresses like a boy then....

Both children sound like they have emotional problems...

Please talk to ur son about safe sex and feeling safe

elfycat · 08/07/2013 15:28

Very trite simplification TeamSouthfields but if it's the only way you understand sexuality options then fine.

I agree that the uniform policy is the thing to challenge here. Whatever happens OP I am glad that you are your son's mother as you sound very grounded and supportive.

Flobbadobs · 08/07/2013 15:33

Agree on fighting this as small battles in order to win the war. Argue that girls should be able to wear shorts and go from there imo.
I'm sure I read a story about boys wearing skirts as a protest about school uniform somewhere, will have a google.
Oh and good on you for being such a supportive Mum xx

Flobbadobs · 08/07/2013 15:38

He wasn't protesting the same thing but it has been done:
www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/8504552/Boy-wears-skirt-to-school-in-protest-against-discrimination.html
According to the other links (DM) he actually forced a policy change with his actions.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 08/07/2013 15:39

No, TeamSouthfields, it's about one person, born with XX chromosomes, who has realised he's transexual, and another person, born with XY chromosomes, who's realised he's gay. No emotional problems at all. Maybe some problems with having to handle other people's transphobia/homophobia, but that's a different kettle of fish.

LittleMissGerardButlerfan · 08/07/2013 15:48

Can I just ask what has happened in previous years at school? Is this the first year the school have tried to enforce it?

I think so long as children wear the uniform and look smart, girls should be able to wear trousers and shorts if they want too, it's ridiculous to make them wear skirts.

At my high school a long time ago I had to wear a Woollen kilt even in summer I was sweltering it was awful!

I think the boys all wearing skirts is a brilliant idea.

tmae · 08/07/2013 16:00

I know this is from America but could maybe of some use www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2013/06/02/transgender-teen-wins-fight.html

I think you should go for it, the more support the better in my opinion. I can't see how the school thinks that the way they are behaving is morally acceptable, especially with such a benign request but one which will have a massive negative impact on him if denied.

HairyWorm · 08/07/2013 16:24

Transgender is a legally 'protected characteristic' under the Equality Act 2010, meaning that your son's boyfriend can identify himself as a male and the school must protect his right to do so. His birth gender is not relevant.

A school can not discriminate in its uniform policy so that boys and girls must dress differently.

Nice to see majority of the comments are supportive with only the odd to LGBT-phobic bullshit post.

Xihha · 08/07/2013 17:38

I think you would be completely right to complain to the school. I cant see why your sons boyfriend wearing shorts effects anyone other than him, its not like him not wearing a skirt is going to disrupt lessons or anything.

Well done to your son and his friends for planning a brilliant protest.

TeamSouthfields · 08/07/2013 17:46

Im not thick Frankie.....

Im gay myself....

I meant emotional problems for the boyfriend, because he is clearly being treated like a girl.. And he is in care.. U cant tell me he hasnt got any emotional issues

With regards to the OP ds, he will have emotional issues as a gay 15 year old as 'the world' doesnt accept everyone im afraid !!

SuburbanRhonda · 08/07/2013 17:53

team, what makes you think gay people must automatically have "emotional problems" just because some people are homophobic?

That doesn't follow on logically at all Confused

annis51 · 08/07/2013 19:12

Maybe the child (still a child if at school) who was born a boy should continue to wear trousers. The child who was born a girl needs help and understanding. Letting her wear trousers seems to be sensible. Maybe your son is not so gay really. He is going out with a girl after all even if she is a butch girl. What about going to the Headteacher and talking about it. Be nice. Tell the girl that if she wears trousers to school they can't make her take them off. It is much more important that she attends school than what she wears. I thought that girls wear trousers to school now. They certainly do to our school. They must be school uniform trousers of course. It isn't ideal to be gay and sometimes people think that they are gay but really it is the person that they want to be with not their sex that matters. A butch girl is a practical solution because they can have normal sexual intercourse and get married and have babies. I wear trousers all the time, I'm not gay and I'm not bothered. I am a girl too. Much more important that essays are being handed in on time and exams are going to be passed. That said the two young people must be polite and nice. Not bolshie and rude. Could it be that the real problem is that they are behaving badly in ways other than disobeying the dress code for this rather strict school? Find out and definitely get involved. Is it a fee paying school or State? And my 5 year old grandson told me a few days ago that he likes kissing girls but you can't do it at school because it is not allowed!!!! I told his parents who were horrified. He said but you kiss Mummy all the time Daddy. Tricky. So we told him that kissing is for older boys not 5 year olds. Yes my teacher said. Wow.

hellsbells76 · 08/07/2013 19:27

"It isn't ideal to be gay." What the actual??

mrsjay · 08/07/2013 19:36

if the girltrangendered and Id as a boy they can't make him wear a skirt legally , well done them I think your son is great to have you backing him

annis51 · 08/07/2013 19:37

And what about culottes? I wear shorts every day. Maybe it would be good to change schools. However what about wearing the beastly skirt and just getting on with the schoolwork? School will be over soon and then these two young people will be able to live their lives as they want to. This means working for a living. I would tell the girl who wants to be a boy that she can be a boy later on but not yet. Wanting not to have bosoms is awkward especially since she's got quite big ones. Does she have any nice dresses? Has anyone told her that she looks very nice as a girl? Sounds more like teenage trouble to me. 15 is very young to decide that she doesn't want to be a girl. Meanwhile best to forget all about gender problems and think about GCSE's and passing them in order to get a place on a course for further education. Girl or boy this still has to be done especially if living in care now. Sounds like too much attention is being made to uniform and not enough to schoolwork and since they are both under the age of consent sex should not come into the equation. The toilet changing room problem is a real one. A girl can't use a urinal. Some of the real boys might be really upset having to put up with a girl in the toilet with them. She has not got a penis or any y chromosomes so this means that she is a girl. So actually she's just got to be patient and wait until school is over - then she can be a boy then if she still wants to be one when she's grown up a bit more.

mrsjay · 08/07/2013 19:39

maybe your son is not so gay really

so he is just a little bit gay and likes butch girls then annis what you said made no sense

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 08/07/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbells76 · 08/07/2013 19:42

Oh goody, another post full of ignorant transphobic bollocks, because the first wasn't offensively stupid enough. she just needs a nice frock???

IneedAyoniNickname · 08/07/2013 19:47

annis It isn't ideal to be gay Ummm, ok? I'm sure my gay friends would disagree!

15 is very young to decide that she doesn't want to be a girl. again ummm? The way I understand it, from speaking to transgender friends is that its not actually a 'decision' they can make or not make, its just who they are!

IneedAyoniNickname · 08/07/2013 19:49

Incidentally a man I know (who was born a girl) had parents who thought she 'just needed a nice frock' He ended up in care as a teen after trying to commit suicide as a result :(
15 (ish) years later, and he's still not spoken to his parents again.

ClangerOnaComeDown · 08/07/2013 19:59

annis51 I don't think your posts are helpful or actually terribly nice. You show yourself to have little understanding of this subject, I suggest you back out of the room now...

hellsbells76 · 08/07/2013 20:01

Actually having had a quick look at annis51's other posts: nice one, which regular is on the wind-up?

MummytoKatie · 08/07/2013 20:08

"Has anyone told him he looks nice as a girl"

Good point annie51. Considering the level of peer pressure on teenagers to fit in by being exactly the same as everyone else but this lad has still decided that he is male despite being born with XX chromosomes. If only someone had told him how pretty he looked in a frock. That would have sorted it.

I also think that someone should have told Hitler that it is very unkind to commit genocide and perhaps made him sit on the naughty step.

Hmm
LittleMissGerardButlerfan · 08/07/2013 20:10

It isn't ideal to be gay?

I can't believe what I am reading! Shock

What difference does it make? Believe it or not gay people can be lovely and they can be happy.

It isn't ideal to be so judgemental!