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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make friends with other parents?

44 replies

Dontlookattheknees · 05/07/2013 22:18

I was talking to someone in work today about other parents at nurseries/schools and things.
This colleague does a lot with the parents of DCs at her DCs nursery and schools. She always has (still does things with her NCT groups)
She seemed shocked that I don't do anything with other parents at DS`s nursery or my old NCT group. Actually properly shocked, she also said that the other parents must think I'm a bit of a bitch and that it will stop DS having friends.

I was a bit Hmm at that.

So really AIBU not to 'make friends' with the other parents?

OP posts:
nenevomito · 05/07/2013 22:21

Nope. I'm not chummy with the parents of either of my DCs friends.

Feelslikea1sttimer · 05/07/2013 22:21

I would make friends if you are going to stay in the area... It's so handy when/if you're ever running late and need someone to wait at the school gates or if they start doing
After school clubs etc to help each other out... You don't have to be best friends but it can be useful xx

thebody · 05/07/2013 22:25

Can be useful to make acquaintances and be friendly of course but beware as kids change friends like sweets and fall out all the time and if you have social relationship with the parents it can go tits up.

Branleuse · 05/07/2013 22:25

any special reason you dont want to make friends with parents?

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2013 22:28

I don't see why there has to be a special reason to not want to make friends with parents?

I've got 3 DS's. They're all very popular and have had no trouble making friends.

But I've never felt the need to deliberately go out of my way to become friends with their mates' parents...to me it's all so bloody fake.

I've spoken to all their mates' parents in the past to make arrangements and one or two of them, I happened to fall into a friendship with after a period of time.

But I've got my own circle of friends and my DC have theirs.

PoppyWearer · 05/07/2013 22:28

I used to feel like this, but have genuinely met some fascinating parents, and as PPs have said, it can be useful having people in your phone in case you are running late etc. Not had to do that yet but reassuring to know!

Also good for play dates etc in the holidays.

curlew · 05/07/2013 22:30

Why wouldn't you? Are all parents automatically boring- except for you, of course! Hmm

MarthasHarbour · 05/07/2013 22:34

none of her fucking business is what i say.

However i second the view that it is handy to have friends of parents for school pick ups and babysitting purposes etc. But if you are not already friends with them then dont sweat it. It took me ages to get pally with some of the mums at nursery, and now they are all going to different schools Confused

If you will make friends with them then it will happen, bit OTT of your colleague to say that they will all think you are a bitch Hmm oh and it will NOT stop DS having friends, mine has a different crew every week (he's 4 - its what you do when you are 4 innit Grin )

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2013 22:37

PoppyWearer I had lots of contact numbers in my phone for the parents of my DS's friends...but that doesn't automatically make them my friends. It just meant we could contact each other if the kids wanted to play during the holidays.

I think perhaps that's what the OP is saying, that she doesn't feel the need to form friendships with the adults, just because they're the parents of her kid's mates?

BrianTheMole · 05/07/2013 22:37

Depends on your reasons. Theres some great parents at dc's school. I genuinely like their company, some of us even go on holiday together, and its handy to have a support network if something happens and you can't pick up on time too.

GertrudeMorel · 05/07/2013 22:40

It's entirely your prerogative, of course. But we have made some really great friends from school parents and I feel very lucky to have done so.

curlew · 05/07/2013 22:42

Well, so long as the OP isn't saying that she is far too unique and special to want to be friends with .....whisper who dares......school gate mums.......

raisah · 05/07/2013 22:44

The parents at my ds nursery are really scary & insular. They are from a particular minority and they do not mix at all with outsiders. I have tried to be friendly but was completely blanked so now I do the same to them. People do make judgements & assumptions about this community but they dont make it easy for outsiders to get to know them so the myths circulate. There was a documentary series on C4 a few years ago which didnt help their image much either.

IceNoSlice · 05/07/2013 22:46

I have really enjoyed meeting new, different people through DS. He's too young to choose friends yet, but I hope he will get on with the babies we know now when they're all older as I really like their parents.

I don't know if YABU, it depends. Do you deliberately hold back and avoid the other parents because you assume you won't like them? If so, YABU and judging them. If you just haven't had occasion to get to know them, YANBU.

everlong · 05/07/2013 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/07/2013 22:51

I think it completely depends how old your DC is. If your DC is at only nursery, I think it's totally normal to not really know other parents. DD is 18 months and at nursery, and although I chat to other parents, none have become friends. I expect this to change in future as DD gets older and wants playdates etc. I really enjoy making new friends and look forward to it.

needaholidaynow · 05/07/2013 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 05/07/2013 22:54

raisa What minority are these parents? Do tell.

needaholidaynow · 05/07/2013 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BridgetBidet · 05/07/2013 23:00

Each to their own. I met some of the most unpleasant people I'd ever met at baby groups. I did however meet two or three people through a baby massage class who were great and I'm still in touch with. If you haven't clicked with the people that you met I don't see why you should be expected to spend time with them. If I hadn't gone to the massage class then I would only have met some boring unpleasant people who I wouldn't have wanted to stay in touch with.

Fakebook · 05/07/2013 23:01

Yanbu! Why would you make friends with your child's friend's parents? I just don't get it. I have nothing in common with them. I have my few friends from university days and a few family friends.

I'm currently being constantly pursued by a school Mum who messages me all the time and calls me at really random times like 7am on a school day to talk about random things and I really am flattered but just because her dd is my Dd's friend, it doesn't mean I should be forced into friendship with the mother. I'm an introvert as it is, and when I cancelled a day out with her in favour of the Wimbledon final the other day, she thought I was weird and random and then I felt guilty. But who cares.

Sorry for the little rant on your thread. So, no, you don't have to make friends with other parents and you're not strange.

marriedinwhiteagain · 05/07/2013 23:01

Why wouldn't you want to make friends with nice people? We have made some lovely friends through the dc.

Mintyy · 05/07/2013 23:03

Some of the most wonderful people I know, my very dearest friends infact, are parents. Parents with children. Who went to NCT/toddler group/nursery/school. You know, ordinary people, who have children.

aldiwhore · 05/07/2013 23:04

I am not in touch with my anti-natal class friends, nor with nursery parents... I did never go out fo my way to be friends with my sons' parents, yet I am really glad I took up various invitations and didn't actively avoid the opportunity to have a nice Sunday with adults I liked who have children of the same age.

I think that the UNREASONABLE thing seems to be the pressure to FORGE friendships, or actively avoid them.

I have done neither. They just happened, and actually, I'm glad I allowed them to happen.

op Your friend is, quite frankly, wrong. For me, if a friendship doesn't happen naturally it isn't worth having, so I guess I'm on the fence. I know people who 'friend seek' (like full on marketing friendship campaigns followed by a series of Frinterviews where at any point you may be 'dumped') and I know people who actively avoid the chance to be friendly, who flat out refuse opportunity to mingle, who don't give a shit who their kids' friends are and don't care who their parents are, and if they do meet, there's no fucking way they're going to be friendly, give an inch or feign any sort of interest in anyone at all ever because they're "ok" have met their friendship 'quota' and who gives a flying fuck that the children might actually like it if they were a little more open.

On the fence. I don't seek friendship, I don't block it. In 4 years of Primary School I've accidently made 4 friends, two of which are married to each other.

YANBU op your friend is a crackers as you, it doesn't have to be and 'either or' situation. If friendship happens, hurray, if it doesn't so what, to force it either way seems a little inflexible.

Bunbaker · 05/07/2013 23:10

So do you never make new friends Fakebook?

I live hundreds of miles away from my family, don't keep in touch with school or college friends and live too far from my workmates to see them regularly. I would lead a pretty lonely life if I had decided that I didn't want to make friends with other parents. My best friend is the mother of the girl who was DD's best friend for several years at primary school. DD and her friend aren't as close, but they are still friendly. Best friend and I are still best friends.