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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not make friends with other parents?

44 replies

Dontlookattheknees · 05/07/2013 22:18

I was talking to someone in work today about other parents at nurseries/schools and things.
This colleague does a lot with the parents of DCs at her DCs nursery and schools. She always has (still does things with her NCT groups)
She seemed shocked that I don't do anything with other parents at DS`s nursery or my old NCT group. Actually properly shocked, she also said that the other parents must think I'm a bit of a bitch and that it will stop DS having friends.

I was a bit at that.

So really AIBU not to 'make friends' with the other parents?

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 05/07/2013 23:10

I am friendly with some of the parents from my kids class. I could sit beside them at a school thing and chat, pass a couple of hours etc but we are not friends as such. I'm friends with one Mum in particular - we go out the odd time, text each other about non kid stuff.

Original poster

Dontlookattheknees · 05/07/2013 23:22

Oh no curlew nothing like that.
I just don't feel the need to make friends just because our DCs go to the same nursery.

OP posts:

Fakebook · 05/07/2013 23:26

I haven't made a new friend since 2012, so I do make friends but I don't like being forced into situations. Dd has loads of friends in class and is always going for plays or has friends around to play, so I don't deny her friendships. I just prefer my own company.

BsshBossh · 05/07/2013 23:29

YANBU.

A lot of the parents of my DD's friends are lovely people and quite interesting too. But I am shy and not a very social person so haven't really made friends with them. If I was more sociable then I'd definitely make more of an effort though (me, not you OP).

Mintyy · 05/07/2013 23:29

There is no need to. Sometimes it just happens naturally.

TheSecondComing · 05/07/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2013 23:33

There's a big difference in my book between friends and acquaintances...that's why I don't understand parents (usually Mums) who feel the need to go all out to be 'friends' with someone just because their kids are friends.

Sure if it happens then great, but some Mums over the years have come across as desperate and fake.

Friendships ( real ones ) can't be forced and just because your kids have loads in common, doesn't mean you and their parents will.

And once the kids get to senior school and there's no school run any more, most of the fake friendships are demoted to the odd text and phone call about sleepover arrangements.

So often all the angst is a waste of time.

YoniWheretheSunDontShine · 05/07/2013 23:33

I think you find friends in all sort of situations and places but I have to admit I am finding suddenly being thrown together with these parents all the time - excruciating and hard.

I am too shy, I find it too hard.

2712 · 05/07/2013 23:34

I am in the aldiwhore definition of a parent who refuses to make friends with these people purely because my DCs are friends with their DCs.
My DD has been invited to a birthday party tomorrow.A full on all invited barbecue job in their huge immaculately kept garden. I will be dropping DD off with a card and pressie and then making my excuses as I could not bear having to make small talk all afternoon with the other parents.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2013 23:36

I don't mind making small talk though

I usually instigate it while standing in the playground

But still, being friends is a different thing entirely.

YouTheCat · 05/07/2013 23:36

My kids are 18 now. I have 1 friend/acquaintance/other parent from when they were young. She is lovely.

The rest of them were chavs and snobs and not much in between.

mirry2 · 05/07/2013 23:38

I've made some lovely friends through my dc, but then I'm fairly sociable.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2013 23:39

Mine are 21yrs, 14yrs and 10.5 years

I've got one real friend I'm still constantly in touch with from my 21yr old's class, 2 from my 14yr old's class and 1 from my 10yr old's class.

I mean real proper friends who I look forward to spending time with and I know I would have been friends with them, even if we didn't have kids.

I've met loads of 'mates/acquaintances' over the years whose company I've loved...but they're still not what I'd call proper friends.

YoniWheretheSunDontShine · 05/07/2013 23:42

But you cant right off a whole group of people just because they are your DC's peer parents?!!

Do not all friendships start with small talk then some stall, stop, carry on with small talk some click and go,,,deeper?

2712 · 06/07/2013 00:03

Yoni no, not when the majority are already formed in their little cliques.....it's impossible to break in then. I think the only real freindships are foemed when the children have been at the same nursery, pre-school, infants, juniors, etc.

BackforGood · 06/07/2013 00:19

Your friend's view seems a bit extreme, but I agree with those who say it's useful to get to know a few other parents when your dc go to school, so you can help each other out with pick ups / lift sharing / emergencies / etc. tbh, it just makes the day a little bit more pleasant if you have several people to chat to whilst you are whiling away the time waiting for them to come out. It's also very useful if you have a dc like mine who never manage to bring out letters etc. - you still have a chance of knowing what's going on.
However I think 'being pleasant' / 'having a chat' / 'swapping phone numbers' / etc. is friendly enough for lots of people. You don't necessarily need to get together for nights out or coffee or whatever, just be friendly and communicative when you see people.

I'd say this only applies once they are at school though, not Nursery.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 06/07/2013 00:19

IME, when mine started school I developed proper friendships with other parents.

I agree with aldiwhore

BackforGood · 06/07/2013 00:29

I agree with Aldiwhore too.
Friendships just develop naturally when you spend time with people who have a similar outlook to you, or share your sense of humour or have a lot in common with others. I don't understand the thinking of "I have enough friends and don't need to make any more" any more than I understand the "I must be friends with all these people because our dc go to school with each other"

IceNoSlice · 06/07/2013 08:15

Interesting point Worra. I think you're right, the vast majority of people I know through DS are acquaintances more than real friends. Though I hadn't really categorised them.

I would invite them as a group to a coffee or play session, or chat on FB about the kids latest stage (currently a lot of nursery/back to work angst!)

But I wouldn't call them if upset and needing support- that would be saved for real friends. However, I don't live anywhere near old school, uni or work friends so I would be cutting off my ear to spite my nose not to make an effort here. And the easiest way to meet people is through DS.

There are two or three mums of babies the same age as DS whom I think have moved from acquaintance to actual proper friend. And they're lovely.

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