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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or being a spoilt brat

39 replies

thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 13:19

This is my first post and would like some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable in wanting a holiday this year. (Or any year for that matter)
My DH and I have been together for 15 years and have two school aged children. In the time we have been together we have had one holiday. This is partly due to the fact that for the first 10 years of our relationship money was very tight. We both had just qualified when we first met, then started saving for a deposit for a house, then child care costs took up a lot of my salary. Also when we moved into our house we started over paying on the mortgage. DH saw this over payment as a priority and we often did without a lot of things to do this. (a holiday being one)
The last five years however have been a lot easier in terms of finance. However despite the fact that we pay a significant sum into our final salary pensions and we only have a couple of years left on the mortgage DH will not consider spending money on a holiday. He thinks I am trying to be wasteful with our money and says if I had my own way, throwing money away on holidays, we would be facing financial hardship when we retire. He worries about money, and hates the fact that we owe money through our mortgage.
Although he won't spend money on a holiday, we do have a good life and and don't have money worries for which I am thankful for. DH rarely goes out and spends most of his spare money on me and the children. When I have asked him about going away he said I was being selfish for wanting to go away when I have so much anyway.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish to want to go away somewhere. I recognise that it is important to be financially secure, but feel you have to live as well. I often think you never know what's round he corner as well. I would be happy with somewhere in this country.

OP posts:
TheCutOfYourJib · 05/07/2013 13:27

Bloody hell no yanbu at all.
Your dh is being an arse.
Holidays, if you can afford them, are amazing things for children and families and I feel so sorry for your children to be denied this when you can afford it.
I love holidays and me and ds always have the best time.
So relaxed, fun and creating special memories.

nenevomito · 05/07/2013 13:28

One holiday in 15 years Shock. not unreasonabke at all. Holidays arem't a waste of money they are a bloody well needed break.

piprabbit · 05/07/2013 13:31

YANBU, but you might struggle to convince your DH in the short term.
Could you put a plan in place for a holiday in October half term, or even in the early part of next year? Decide a budget and then start saving a set amount each month so that it feels less like a wild, indulgent splurge and more like carefully considered and planned purchase?

Original poster
thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 13:31

Thank you for your reply. I agree with you holidays can create great memories for the children. Growing up my parents had very little money and we only had two holidays but I have great memories of these.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 13:34

To make the matters worse, we have money in a savings account. It is apparently there for a rainy day.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/07/2013 13:35

Tell him holidays are what memories are made from - surely you could price up a cheap holiday option & then when the family have a great time he might be more inclined to spend more or go further afield next time?

Remotecontrolduck · 05/07/2013 13:39

No YANBU. You indeed have to be mindful of the future, have savings in place incase of disaster.

But

You need to live for today too. When you're old you don't want to look back on your life and wish you had done so much more. The memories and experiences will be worth more than a few extra quid in the bank. I love holidays, even little ones, just a premier inn somewhere new over the weekend makes me very happy and de-stresses me.

He is being very unreasonable and self centred.

ThreeEyedRaven · 05/07/2013 14:18

YANBU! Holidays are a time for adventure and relaxation! Fair enough to cut back if you can't afford it but that doesn't sound like the case here.

Sounds like he's being a tight arse.

Is there anywhere he would like to go? could work as a compromise?

TheCutOfYourJib · 05/07/2013 14:23

And why does he get to decide everything?
Is it because he has a penis?
Or because he is one.
If I were you I would just book somewhere, if he doesn't want to come, go without him
Put your children first instead of him.

moogalicious · 05/07/2013 14:26

What TheCutOfYourJib said. Tell him you are booking a holiday and if he doesn't want to go, tough. Take yourself and the children somewhere nice.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 05/07/2013 14:28

Yes why is it his decision? Sounds like you are in a good position financially and I do give credit to people who can be so focused on clearing their mortgage BUT I think he is being massively unfair to decide there will be no holidays.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 05/07/2013 14:29

Holidays don't have to be ridiculously expensive either.

Original poster
thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 14:30

He is interested in may places, but does not see a holiday as a priority. His first thought is to pay off the mortgage and then we can think about travelling.
I have a pretty stressful job as well, so feel I need a break. The temptation is when I am on leave to log onto work emails. If I was actually away somewhere I would not be able to do that.
I nearly persuaded him to go to centre parts, however lost him when he saw the price. He reckoned they have a cheek for charging that as essentially it is butlins made out of woods. His words not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 14:33

Sorry I meant centre parcs.

OP posts:
Flicktheswitch · 05/07/2013 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsButterfly · 05/07/2013 14:43

My dad use to be like that. We had money and got everything but He saw a holiday as a waste of money until my mother won all inclusive trip to Egypt( 5 years ago) for two and ever since they have been going there every year plus somewhere new once year. He even paid to take me with them last year( I was skint). I recon you need to push him until he agrees and then make him feel really good and you might get a holiday every year lol

SquinkiesRule · 05/07/2013 14:45

What a miserable tightwad.
My Dh hates holidays with a passion, hates change, strange beds you name it. But I told him when the children were young, this is there childhood memories and he wasn't going to ruin their lives for them with his dislikes. I usually went without him, we'd visit family all over Europe, ad take my Mum to a nice hotel somewhere near a beach, but we aslo used to rent a friends cabin and go to the lake for a week too, Dh could handle that, he'd go bike riding along the shore with them and so the boys do have good memories of being with their Dad on holiday.
My best memories growing up are of being with my parents on holiday at the beach, and getting there.

TheCrackFox · 05/07/2013 14:55

My lovely Auntie Mary couldn't have children and always worked full time. Her and her husband made the decision that they would save every single penny she earned and just live off the one wage so they could have an utterly amazing retirement together. She died one week before her 60th birthday and never got to retire. Still uncle Jack had a great retirement including trips on the QE2 and Concorde.

Make the most of your life now - your husband is being utterly ridiculous and very dictatorial.

Original poster
thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 14:55

I totally agree with him being a tightwad, and he knows he is. We did have a big holiday three years ago, but only because I was left money when my aunt died. We all had a great time but he seems to think that this holiday has created enough memories for a couple of years.
I wished he would lighten up, he is an introvert as well and finds it very hard to mix , so I think this is also part of the reason why he digs his heels in.
I have said I will just go myself and he can stay at home , but the children would miss their dad and wouldn't want to go without him.

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squeakytoy · 05/07/2013 15:08

" but the children would miss their dad and wouldn't want to go without him"

I bet they wouldnt.... given the chance of a holiday.

It must be bloody hard for them when they see all their mates going away and have never had that experience themselves.

brass · 05/07/2013 15:12

and he is banking on that.

You should take the kids and go and create YOUR memories. You will regret listening to him when your DC are grown and lost the opportunity to harness this time with them.

pianodoodle · 05/07/2013 15:16

YANBU

Although in a way I wish my DH had some of your husband's attitude to saving money!

I'm the one always trying to squirrel away for a rainy day. Your situation sounds a lot more comfortable than ours though so in your circumstances I'd try and find a way to get that holiday :)

Original poster
thoroughlymodernmillie · 05/07/2013 15:19

Thank you so much for your replies. The children don't understand why their friends go away and we don't. We live in an affluent area so most of their friends have a couple of holidays a year. I don't expect that, just even a few days away would be great.
I think I really need to sit down with him and explain how I feel and if he still won't go away just book something for me and the DC's.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/07/2013 15:22

take them without him Millie - they will have a great time & it may be the spur for him to fight his shyness next year so he doesn't miss out!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/07/2013 15:25

You eat at home don't you, so money spent on food is what you'd normally face as an outgoing.

The weather is a risk when choosing to stay in the British Isles but really, the change of scene and going away is the thing. B&B or a cottage holiday you can search online. You have said you are content to be in the UK and it doesn't have to be 5 star. (There again...!!). A family railcard is a great way to travel, save money.

I agree with squeakytoy ^^. If Dad doesn't want to come along then you and the children will create more memories to tell him about when you get home.

What's the worst that could happen, you have fun?

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