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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dh and competitive tiredness??

47 replies

Ashoething · 04/07/2013 18:33

Dh just in from work-popped to gym for an hour too. He is in a foul mood. Moaning about being really tired and being a real arse because I dared to do the ironing while he was trying to put his suit away.

When I replied I was also tired I got a Hmm face-its the same every fucking night. He works long hours and I am a sahm to 3 dcs. We have been on the go all day-got in at half 5,made dinner,put a washing on,hoovered,wiped down shitty toilet etc.

What with that and the faces he pulls when he doesn't like the dinner I have made-I am getting close to the edge!!Angry

OP posts:
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 04/07/2013 18:36

Is it possible for you to get a bit of 'me' time too? Looking after a young family is hard work and you sound like you feel isolated from him.

fairylightsinthespring · 04/07/2013 18:46

Yanbu, what a tit - if he's that tired, why is he going to the gym and not coming home? As for being annoyed because you do the ironing was in his way, I'm fairly sure the answer to that is to do yours and the kids, leave his til last and if he complains, say fine, I'll stop then, and do. Does he ever spend a day on his own with the 3 kids? Might be a good object lesson for him. I also think you need to make it clear that you need some alone time too, like the gym or whatever.

LindyHemming · 04/07/2013 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ashoething · 04/07/2013 18:58

Tbf I go out at weekends a lot more than him. He pretty much never goes out as he has no friends. But when I do go out he still doesn't lift a finger-dirty dishes and clothes everywhere etc. Would never think to run the hoover round or bung a washing in.

Its the lack of respect that annoys me the most-he genuinely believes because he is the one bringing the money it that is my job to be the house skivvyAngry

OP posts:
Purplehonesty · 04/07/2013 18:59

Oh don't get me started on this.
We are the same, dh works long hours and I stay at home with 2 dc and am about to become a cm.
He is always more tired than me, has had less sleep, (how I don't know as I am up twice a night while he is snoring)
He is always more ill than I am as I get on with it and he wallows.
Its just men.
If I have to hear exactly how many hours sleep he thinks he has had one more time I might draw a beard and glasses on him while he snores....

purrpurr · 04/07/2013 19:05

I hear what you're saying about the competitive tiredness thing but... Is there an expectation here that you should share housework then though you stay at home? I stay at home and whilst childcare is my number one priority I can run the Hoover round and do the laundry no bother. Not trying to be a bitch, just wondering if I'm being a doormat, I haven't slept in so long I'm not sure I would notice.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2013 19:08

"He pretty much never goes out as he has no friends. "
Probably because he's a complete arse with others in the same way as he is with you.

Original poster
Ashoething · 04/07/2013 19:08

Dh honestly thinks I sit on my arse all day eating grapes and reading a magazine! When I point out to him that it isn't a magic fairy who cleans the house,does all the washing,makes all the dinners,doing voluntary work and managing the kids- I just get the Hmm face again!!

Tbh its only after being on here that I have realised that this isn't really normal. I have also been able to see how my friends are treated by their dh's-they don't have a problem with helping out around the house or occasionally cooking a meal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashoething · 04/07/2013 19:10

Doing the majority of the housework is not the problem purr-I accept most of it will fall to me. Its the complete lack of respect. For example with the dinner thing-I never get a thank you and very often he wont even bother putting his dish in the sink but will just leave it lying on the dining tableAngry

OP posts:
themaltesecat · 04/07/2013 19:15

Ashoething, he is treating you like absolute shit.

You say, "they don't have a problem with helping out around the house or occasionally cooking a meal."

They aren't "helping." That implies the house is your job, which it isn't- the kids are. Those husbands are doing their fair share (or at least attempting to).

My husband cooks about half of the meals, does the kitchen and the bins, does about fifty percent of the childcare, and almost all of the laundry. I vacuum and tidy up (when I can be arsed), clean the bathroom, breastfeed and do the bulk of the food shopping.

We each get the same level of free time, which is the crucial thing.

How much do you get?

purrpurr · 04/07/2013 19:16

Ahh sorry Op, that's horrendous. The magic fairy thing in particular would destroy me, it's so demeaning. I am not entirely sure I could live like that. Sorry for what was a rather insensitive question.

formicadinosaur · 04/07/2013 19:21

I can't see why he can't move his plates to the sink or say thankyou for a meal. That's very basic manners and actually it's quite normal for even a partner who works long hours to do some jobs (loading the dish washer, putting the rubbish out, bathing he kids etc). In your shoes I'd not cook for him if he made faces and failed to say thankyou. You don't run a hotel after all. You are not a slave. If he lived on his own he would still have to cook clean tidy and wash things.

formicadinosaur · 04/07/2013 19:29

I think you need to show him this thread.

My DH works 12 hour days but still spends about 30 mins a night doing chores plus time spent reading a book to the kids or putting them to bed. We have 4 boys and looking after them is hard work. My husband isn't a 5th child thankfully. We have about the same amount of free time each week.

BoysRule · 04/07/2013 19:35

The first thing my DH says to me in the morning is a detailed account of his sleep - how many hours, what time he woke up and for how long, how he feels now etc.

Every morning I get up when the DCs start up - he never, ever makes a move unless I ask him and then he gets defensive. At weekends, when DS2 has his lunchtime nap he always says he is going for a lie down as he is really tired.

I am a SAHM. He works long hours. One of the biggest resentments I have in our relationship is the 'competitive tiredness'. He claims that he feels it worse than me. He has never got up for night feeds. I sometimes feels our lives our ruled by how bloody tired he is.

Pollydon · 04/07/2013 19:43

Tell him to man the fuck up ! I work long hours. For 10 years I was a SAHM, & guess which one was more knackering Hmm
Show him this thread , he is being a Pratt Angry

Debsndan · 04/07/2013 19:45

Boils my piss.

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/07/2013 19:45

I was going to suggest that you tag-team and give each other a nap and a lie in once a week but this sounds totally beyond that Shock - he sounds like a total arse TBH.

SizzleSazz · 04/07/2013 19:50

Sahm is more knackering than working IME.

You need to go away for a few days and let him have a leisurely weekend with the DC

My dh has just arrived home after day at work and 4hr drive - he has put DC to bed and put fresh sheets on the bed. I will cook tea when I get out of the bath and he will be happy to receive it whenever. If he wants it earlier, he will cook it for us (already all prepped)

Original poster
Ashoething · 04/07/2013 19:57

I get a lie in on a sunday and he gives the kids a bath then.But even this only happened after years of my.moaning at him and he is so resentful if I ask him to do anything.

OP posts:
Mapal · 04/07/2013 19:58

purplehonesty it's not just 'men'. Not all men are like this. My DH & I split things pretty evenly, in fact sometimes I feel I should do a bit more. And he rarely moans if he's ill or tired, I definitely am worse at the moaning. But his positive attitude has actually helped me strive to be a bit more like him, we are total team.
I would NEVER put up with this kind of behaviour. How can someone who is supposed to love you show so little respect? Loving someone makes you want to support them and show some kidness. I would be questioning the whole relationship to be honest. If he cannot make the effort what is the point. You will end up with no self respect.

dreamingbohemian · 04/07/2013 20:05

I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a real jerk OP.

Can I ask, what's your plan going forward? Are his hours going to decrease at some point? Will you go back to work someday? Or is it always going to be like this?

Because it doesn't sound very happy or sustainable, and you might need some major changes to shake things up.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 04/07/2013 20:09

No. It isn't 'just men'. I have three men in this house and none of them would ever dream of behaving in that way. When I am out at work, DH, DS and DD's boyfriend when he's here all do the housework. They do not think it is a woman's job to keep the house tidy. When I woke up after my night-shift today DS, who is not at work today, had unloaded the dishwasher, taken the rug outside to air, swept and mopped the floors and stuck a load in the washing machine. DH is currently making the salad to go with dinner that DS and DD have made between them.

DoJo · 04/07/2013 23:39

I agree that it's not 'just men' - it's just arseholes. My husband definitely copes worse than me with little sleep, but he still gets up and does his fair share and then has a nap later if there is a chance (by which I mean he doesn't dick about going to the gym and then moan about being tired) and if only one of us can have a nap I usually pass up the opportunity so that he can because I just find it easier than he does. But that's a choice I have - he doesn't expect me to do the lion's share just because he leaves the house to work. In fact, he actually likes to spend some time with his son, so when he has been out all day he even does the crappy jobs (sometimes literally) in order to spend more time with him.

heinztomatosoup · 04/07/2013 23:50

I used to feel a seething underlying resentment to my husband when the kids were younger, that he didn't acknowledge or understand how tiring my job was looking after 3 kids all born within 4 years. When I had to travel for a few days for a family wedding, leaving him with the younger 2, I arrived back to find him contrite and practically on his knees. He totally backtracked, admitted my job was so much harder than his, and that he would never again underestimate what I do. It was literally a turning point for our marriage and he has always tried to do his bit ever since. I always advise my friends to leave their oh's on their own for a few days, that'll do the trick! Good luck op.

BeaWheesht · 05/07/2013 00:04

Oh I hate it too .

Dh says that I 'cope with tiredness better' . No I don't I just have to get on with it.

Drives me demented!