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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with dh and competitive tiredness??

47 replies

Ashoething · 04/07/2013 18:33

Dh just in from work-popped to gym for an hour too. He is in a foul mood. Moaning about being really tired and being a real arse because I dared to do the ironing while he was trying to put his suit away.

When I replied I was also tired I got a face-its the same every fucking night. He works long hours and I am a sahm to 3 dcs. We have been on the go all day-got in at half 5,made dinner,put a washing on,hoovered,wiped down shitty toilet etc.

What with that and the faces he pulls when he doesn't like the dinner I have made-I am getting close to the edge!!

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 05/07/2013 00:15

I presume he is a grown man and can make his own diiner...?

My son of 21 can.

Stop being a martyr, woman!

Lora1982 · 05/07/2013 00:24

I tried a new line when faced with the old competitive tiredness. He said 'but im tired, been work all day' I said and whilst you were workin so was I, looking after your baby and my job lasts 24 hours so im doing twice the work shift you do. Sod.

dontgowadingin · 05/07/2013 00:25

Ok some input then ladies ..
I'm on maternity leave..
Breast fed for a month so DH couldn't get up for night feeds but now I ff and still do the night feeds. I do all the house work while DH works long hours.
He gets up with her on a sundry morning do I can 'have respite ' in which he needs an afternoon nap as he hasn't had his 8 hours sleep! I've not slept longer than four fucking hours since dd2 was born!
He even sleeps in spare room at the moment so he can get a decent sleep .
I called him a cunt on Monday when he tried having a lie in and me and dd2 had been down stairs since 6.30!

What level of house work/sleep should be portioned out as I am at home all day and can sleep when dd2 has a nap !

Starting to feel like I'm just mum/DH career and me has pissed off some where sorry for the hijack!

EstelleGetty · 05/07/2013 00:25

My DH used to be a bit like this, huffing and sulking, who's-had-the-hardest-day oneupmanship. I'm not a SAHM with DCs but i am doing a PhD so not a 'normal' job as such. I sometimes felt he was making digs, martyring himself by exercising for an hour after work and complaining about it to show me how much harder he had things.

So i pulled him up about it. Gave him an explanation of how hard I work and what I do, and said we might both be less stressed if we were nicer to each other! Since then, things have been much better. Could you try a chat like that, OP?

dontgowadingin · 05/07/2013 00:30

bea that's exactly what my DH says! Tbh my DH dill moan about how tired he his bit would never date suggest he was more tired than me ... I would prob chin him. I did get sympathetic back rubs as he was turning over though while I was doing my 2.30/ 4.30 feeds!!

Kiwiinkits · 05/07/2013 02:57

I've noticed that something magical happens when women go on maternity leave and/or become SAHM. A wand is waved and their husbands suddenly start taking their wives' housework for granted. A plate left here; clothes on the floor there; more nights out than before; a gradual lessening of the contribution to chores like cleaning the shower or washing the windows. It is a slow but certain decline into the position of "wife" and all the wifework that comes with it.

The best way to return to a more even balance of respect is to for the woman to return to work, prompting a conversation about whether to outsource the shitwork to someone else.

Kiwiinkits · 05/07/2013 02:59

My DH insists that I cope with tiredness better than him and he deserves long naps at weekends and the bulk of the lie-ins in the mornings. I think I cope with it better because I'm not a lazy-arse!

livinginwonderland · 05/07/2013 06:27

If my partner told me he was going to go for a "nap" on the weekend with kids to look after, I would probably chuck a glass of water over him and tell him to bloody well get on with it!

DerbyNottsLeicsNightNanny · 05/07/2013 06:39

We're the same tiredness-wise. I'm 6months pg, huge already & very anaemic, working a p.time day job, a p.time night job & looking after ds (3). Dh works 5days pw but that's about it! Comes home & falls asleep on sofa after work every day or failing that sits there yawning for hours on end. No recognition of the fact I may be tired/ need a hand etc. I could quite happily kill him most days!

dontgowadingin · 05/07/2013 08:18

Agree kiwi with the shift in chores.
Last Sunday DH family came for Sunday lunch- 6 of them. I did all the cooking and preparing dishing up washing up making pancakes for kids all of which NO one asked if I needed any help. Just say in living room having a nice time.

When they had all pissed of and I finally sat down at half seven after tidying the house as well, DH turns round in earnest and says " do you know what love, I'm shattered!"
I replied with " are you fucking kidding me?"

The result was him literally forcing his eyes open say at the side of me and dd2 till I told him to go bed (at 8 I clock!)

I could hear him storing from down stairs....how I didn't just go up and calmly punch him in the throat I don't

He would gladly live in a shit hole though .

dontgowadingin · 05/07/2013 08:19

Big fat sausage fingers for typos!!

dreamingbohemian · 05/07/2013 08:25

dont I think you should find an urgent appointment in another town for a whole weekend and leave him to it. Maybe then he'll start to get it!

Maybe you can nap, but you still need a proper night's sleep sometimes too. Why can't he do the night feeds on the weekends? After all, he can always nap later...

If he's not physically around that much during the week, what can you do, but on the weekends everything should be 50-50.

It takes TWO people to make a baby. If your husband stops doing any housework and doesn't really contribute to childcare, then in effect his life is actually easier after having a baby, while yours is much harder. Not fair.

ThemeNights · 05/07/2013 08:34

All of this is so familiar to me. My DH is SAHP and more than pulls his weight, but the lack of communication between us, competitive tiredness and narkiness has been really bad.

I started this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1793209-Experiment-to-improve-communication-in-marriage

to try to improve things. Basically, in the evening we are both working together to get jobs done, hopefully improving how we talk to each other and finding time for fun.

OP, your DH is being an arise, I hope you find a way through.

ThemeNights · 05/07/2013 08:41

Arise = arse

FobblyWoof · 05/07/2013 09:16

Fucking hell, he gives you a dirty look if he doesn't like the dinner you've made? Controlling arse. Sounds exactly like my dad. He is perfectly capable of making his own dinner.

I'm a SAHM to DD but both me and DP agreed before she was born that my predominant role, or "job" if you like, is to look after and care for DD. Where I'm home more than DP we see it that more of the housework falls to me just by dint of me being here more often but just because I don't work does not make me his maid or his servant. As it is DP cooks dinner most nights but you can bet if I turned my nose up at it he'd tell me to get my own, and I'd do the same for him!

Squitten · 05/07/2013 09:24

My DH runs his own business and works stupid hours but he always does his bit around the house. He looks after the kids loads on weekends and does a lot of the cooking. He's never complained about anything I've ever cooked for him - and I'm rubbish at it!

This does not have to be your life OP.

tallwivglasses · 05/07/2013 09:35

Threads like this infuriate me. I bet you're house admin-worker as well as scivvy and send every Christmas card and remember his parents' birthdays. The men who behave like this do so because they believe you are beneath them and that certain jobs are beneath them.

And to coin an sgb phrase - they think of you as a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment. Mind, if you accuse them of that they'll deny it til they're blue in the face. Please stop putting up with it and let's try and make this the last generation of selfish, entitled men!

TooOldForGlitter · 05/07/2013 09:36

I am often left speechless at the sheer numbers of women who put up with this kind of utter shite from their husbands/partners. You are NOT his domestic employee ffs! Being a SAHP or being on maternity leave - the clue is in the name, you are not there to iron his bastard shirts and have his bastard tea on the table, you are there providing free childcare which enables him to leave the house to work. You do not have to put up with this kind of shit.

OhThePlacesYoullGo · 05/07/2013 09:42

Wow, he sounds like a jerk. Fiancé and I just try to be nice to each other. He does most night feeds with DD. I get up at 5.30/6.00 and take her, make him packed lunch if I can and let him get ready. He's at uni/placement all day, often till stupid o'clock, but usually sorts out dinner in the evenings. We are really lucky in a way; his mum has been helping out a lot as well (taking DD for a bit so I can shower, helping with cooking) as she's been staying with us.

ThreeMusketeers · 05/07/2013 10:25

There's something in the air as we have similar 'competitive tiredness' going on in our house. Not in a nasty way, mind you, just general moaning about how absolutely exhausted we are. And we really are.

OhCobblers · 05/07/2013 12:59

Always amazed to read these threads. I could never respect a man who behaved like this, let alone love him? It's bloody unattractive for anyone to behave like this. Blimey I have a pop at my DH if he leaves his mug in the sink rather than the dishwasher!

Yama · 05/07/2013 13:06

For all of you who think this is 'just men', please don't bring your dc up to believe that.

None of the men in my family would behave in such a lazy, disrespectful way.

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