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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect nursery to DO something

45 replies

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 16:39

My dts (2.10) is due to start 'school' (just mornings) in september. The school insists on the little ones being potty trained, which he is not really as things stand. His twin is. At home, i have him in pants, strongly encourage him to use the loo and give out rewards for any successes.

Nursery refuse to do anything. They have him in nappies and take him to the loo every few hours. They report back he won't go, but i presume thats because he's used his nappy ten minutes before? They say they've had plenty of kids decide to use the potty two days before school starts, and i shouldn't make an issue of it, but I don't get what will change if they do nothing whatsoever to make that happen? He is in nursery two days a week. I am very concerned this could be holding him back.

My dm sees her own 'tricky' personality in dts and is extremely protective of him. She ALSO says i shouldnt push him, and should reserve a nursery place for him come september. She has him one day a week and has trouble keeping him dry, i suspect because she isn't as assertive as I am in taking him to the loo. I fear this is holding him back too.

What to do? Should i speak to nursery? Should i just wait it out? My big worry is that he won't start school (which is wonderful, much more age appropriate and structured than nursery with games, activities, crafts, trips etc) with his twin. I dont want the discrepancy that already exists between them (he is wild, twin is not) to widen. And i dont want him to see his twin starting school without him. Wont that affect his self-esteem?

So mumsnet jury, am i being unreasonable to expect nursery to be more proactive, am i being unreasonable to consider 'pushing' him more to meet the school deadline? Should i keep him at hime and blitz for a while? What would you do?

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 04/07/2013 16:43

You won't want to hear this but some children don't learn how to use the loo/potty until older than he is. And pushing it can do more damage long term.

This could be why nursery won't push him?

If you really want him toilet trained you probably will have to do it at home and see how you go.

YouTheCat · 04/07/2013 16:46

He'll do it when he's ready.

School will be used to accidents so send him in with a change of pants and trousers. Once he sees all the others using the tiny loos he'll get the idea. Mine did.

Sirzy · 04/07/2013 16:48

I wouldn't be pushing a child to potty train and nursery probably don't have time to give that sort of time for however long it takes.

I am pretty sure that the DDA means that children can't be refused admittance to preschool because they aren't potty trained (assuming your in the UK)

CaptainSweatPants · 04/07/2013 16:49

I assume at that age you mean preschool?

In which case they're no longer allowed to stipulate that children can't attend if they're in nappies

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 16:50

Not in the uk, its an absolute. You all may be right. Gah.

OP posts:

Headagainstwall · 04/07/2013 16:51

Is there any chance you can take a week or two off before he starts? Just so he gets the same message every day for long enough for it to sink in? The mixed messages thing is probably a bit confusing for him, I agree.

hamilton75 · 04/07/2013 16:51

Don't push if he isn't ready it can store up all sorts of trouble.

He will have just turned 3 when he starts so he's not late at all, I wouldn't worry.

Does he have to start at school nursery? my 3 year old has continued at private nursery (but getting the free hours) and I find them much more flexible for both hours and accidents!

KansasCityOctopus · 04/07/2013 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/07/2013 16:54

What is it that you expect the nursery to do?

They can't force him to be trained before his body is ready for it, and he's only there two days a week anyway so it's going to be your job to train him.

There's really nothing anyone can do until he is able to feel when he needs to go and then tell someone.

PeterParkerSays · 04/07/2013 16:54

If i'm honest, I'd find them another nursery.

Day nurseries are fine and can cope with children who are in nappies. Is the DS who's in nappies the younger twin, by the way?

I wouldn't split them up - he'll see his twin doing fun stuff and feel even more babyish, but I wouldn't be sending them to that nursery if they can't cope with him.

Incidentally, my cousin came up against this when she needed her son to go to nursery and he was in nappies. They'd had a series of family bereavements and she'd had postnatal depression and the HV had a word with the nursery to help smoothe things along - sort of "this girl has had enough to deal with without this as well" and nursery accepted her son in nappies.

Would it be worth speaking to your health visitor to see if she can help?

MumToOneMogwai · 04/07/2013 16:55

Just an idea, could you take a couple of weeks off work to really devote yourself to it for a period time - not force it but just be maintaining for it a block of time - possibly with twin still at nursery so you can have some 1-2-1 time with DS? And if that doesn't work, resign yourself to deferring preschool?

BackforGood · 04/07/2013 16:55

I go into a LOT of Nurseries and pre-schools and my experience is that, if a parent wants their child to have a go at toilet training at nearly 3 years of age, then of course they will support that at Nursery. That is part of their job. FAR more we come across children who are ready, but the parents won't hear of it, but if the parents want them to do it, then the Nursery is duty bound to support it, so your ds gets consistency across the week. I would send him in (with changes of clothes, obviously) in the same state as you have him at home, and tell them you are toilet training him now, but he is still at the stage where he needs to be taken every hour (or whatever). It is totally part of their job.

thegreylady · 04/07/2013 16:55

I'd take a two week holiday yourself and have a really desirable 'reward ' system-plastic cowboys worked for my dgs-a cowboy for a wee and a horse for a poo .He was trained before the bag was empty :)

PeterParkerSays · 04/07/2013 16:55

sorry cross-post. My post isn't relevant if you're not in the UK.

KatyMac · 04/07/2013 16:56

School can't insist on No Nappies & tbh lots of 3+ are still in nappies

fedupwithdeployment · 04/07/2013 16:58

It was DS2's nursery that suggested that he was ready for the potty, and as a result he got there a lot quicker than DS1.

Chose another nursery!

KatyMac · 04/07/2013 16:58

Oh not UK - not sure then - you can't force it imo

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 16:59

It has to be that school. There is nowhere else. We live in a little village. I also believe nursery (there is only one) will be full so he won't be able to go there either. He'll be at home with me.

OP posts:

TimothyClaypoleLover · 04/07/2013 17:02

I think he is getting very mixed messages if he is in pants at home and back in nappies 2 days of the week. Nurseries are not responsible for potty training children, particularly as he isn't there long enough.

I think you need to keep him in nappies/pull ups until he is ready and he obviously isn't ready if your mum has a problem with keeping him clean. Being assertive and taking your child to the toilet non stop does not mean that they are potty trained. When he is ready it will be easy.

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:03

And the school says he can't go if he isn't trained, no discussion. He is the younger twin, and you can tell!

OP posts:

KansasCityOctopus · 04/07/2013 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:06

I dont take him non-stop, just every two hours, but it does require assertiveness because he doesn't have the temperment to go himself. He is very wild and distracted. But perhaps you are right and i should just wait for him to mature. Im just worried that could take a long time. I can't see his personality changing any time soon, and this will mean him being at home with me and his twin at school.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:07

This isn't the uk.

OP posts:

TigOldBitties · 04/07/2013 17:07

Kansas she is not in the UK.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 04/07/2013 17:11

You need to stop putting so much pressure on him just because his twin has been trained. All kids develop at different times and as has been said previously there are lots of children much older than 3 who are not trained.

I feel for you though if preschool are insisting on him being trained. Surely there will be other 3 year olds not trained. Have you looked into whether the preschool can do this?

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