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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect nursery to DO something

45 replies

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 16:39

My dts (2.10) is due to start 'school' (just mornings) in september. The school insists on the little ones being potty trained, which he is not really as things stand. His twin is. At home, i have him in pants, strongly encourage him to use the loo and give out rewards for any successes.

Nursery refuse to do anything. They have him in nappies and take him to the loo every few hours. They report back he won't go, but i presume thats because he's used his nappy ten minutes before? They say they've had plenty of kids decide to use the potty two days before school starts, and i shouldn't make an issue of it, but I don't get what will change if they do nothing whatsoever to make that happen? He is in nursery two days a week. I am very concerned this could be holding him back.

My dm sees her own 'tricky' personality in dts and is extremely protective of him. She ALSO says i shouldnt push him, and should reserve a nursery place for him come september. She has him one day a week and has trouble keeping him dry, i suspect because she isn't as assertive as I am in taking him to the loo. I fear this is holding him back too.

What to do? Should i speak to nursery? Should i just wait it out? My big worry is that he won't start school (which is wonderful, much more age appropriate and structured than nursery with games, activities, crafts, trips etc) with his twin. I dont want the discrepancy that already exists between them (he is wild, twin is not) to widen. And i dont want him to see his twin starting school without him. Wont that affect his self-esteem?

So mumsnet jury, am i being unreasonable to expect nursery to be more proactive, am i being unreasonable to consider 'pushing' him more to meet the school deadline? Should i keep him at hime and blitz for a while? What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:16

They can't. I'll be stuck with him at home full-time!

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:16

Which i am prepared to do.

OP posts:

KansasCityOctopus · 04/07/2013 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:19

Thanks for your responses everyone. The problem kansas is that his principle problem is a poo problem and i have a feeling nursery won't like it one bit, but maybe I'll try that.

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StinkyElfCheese · 04/07/2013 17:24

I have twin boys - one was well trained long before the other they are VERY VERY different people :)

just keep doing what you are doing what worked for ds1 was running about naked in the garden - he hated potty's you could see him freeze have a think and then he would bolt for the loo :)

He will get there.... ( nursery will take them / just make sure you provide extra clothes/bags fir wet things )

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 17:29

Thanks stinky.

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AcrylicPlexiglass · 04/07/2013 17:39

Can't you send him to nursery in pants (with plenty of spare clothes)? I think once potty training is underway there needs to be a no nappies except at sleeptime rule. It's possible he's not ready but I would not judge a child as not ready unless they have had at least 2 weeks always in pants and made no progress. Having a nappy sometimes and not others is just confusing. If nursery refuse to have him in pants and deal with the inevitable (but necessary in order to learn) accidents that is a bit rubbish, imo, and I would definitely consider keeping him home and blitzing as long as you are not feeling too stressed by the whole thing to keep calm and positive with him. I agree with thegreylady on bribery being a good strategy!

AcrylicPlexiglass · 04/07/2013 17:42

Forgot to give you my heartfelt sympathies, btw! My twins are 14 now and I still shudder at the memory of trying to potty train them!

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2013 18:37

You can put him in pants and send him to nursery. If he is ready to be potty trained this may help, if he isn't it won't. They should support you but ultimately you can't make it happen if he just isn't ready.

redwellybluewelly · 04/07/2013 18:46

I think you need to get an agreement with nursery that they will make an effort for a week (or two) and then you take a week off work and blitz PT. If at the end of that time he isn't ready then he isn't ready but you've given it your very very best shot.

iamadoozermum · 04/07/2013 18:54

Our eldest was 3.5 before he was fully potty trained. Poos took the longest, we tried to push him so he was ready for nursery school and it took forever (it seemed!) and he still wasn't doing poos in the toilet/potty until after he started nursery, he would hold it in until he got his bedtime nappy. All ours were over 3 before they were trained and we didn't push it at all with the youngest - just waited until he asked and he was dry right from the beginning, morning and night (he had just turned 3). So, my experience is that if you push, it takes longer and is more stressful than if you wait until they are ready.

You said "I don't want the discrepancy that already exists between them (he is wild, twin is not) to widen" but why? They may be twins, but they are totally different people. You've already said that they've got different personalities and they will develop differently too.

You've got til September, so much can change in that time. I'd try him without any nappies in the daytime for a while (at least several days maybe a week), including at nursery etc. If he still hasn't got the hang of it, I'd leave it be and not press the issue. How long has the oldest twin been trained?

LilacPeony · 04/07/2013 19:02

I sympathise as i started potty training both of my children at the age your son is now. One got it in 2 days and the other it took months. In fact she didnt manage to poo on the loo or potty until 3 months before her 4th birthday.

Tinpin · 04/07/2013 19:32

If you manage to keep him dry and clean purely by taking him to the toilet frequently he is not ready to be trained. Sometimes children are put into pants and it is obvious they are clueless about what is expected of them. Nurseries should back up a parents training but if the child wets himself or poos frequently it is unfair to expect staff to keep on having to change them. Your son is really young and he is probably just not ready . You have to wait until he is and then it can literally take 24 hours. Huge problems can be created by pushing toilet training. It is horrible for you that he can't go to school but you may just have to delay his starting date.

fairylightsinthespring · 04/07/2013 19:47

My DS has taken a long time to train. He started just before he was three and a year later is still not 100%. Poos took forever. His (now ex) childminder and pre-school were understandably not entirely thrilled but did deal with it. What helped was telling them categorically that they could and should just throw the pants away as they would a nappy.That way the clean up was no worse than a few wipes on the bum. I wouldn't worry about the twins being different, there is no reason they should be exactly the same in this or anything else. They can be a different as any two children of the same age often are.

AllSWornOut · 04/07/2013 19:55

I'm assuming you're in France because it's the season to panic about potty training here

I'm amazed that nursery isn't being more helpful as all the 3 and nearly 3yo will be in the same boat. I think I would plan to keep him at home with you asap for a good week or fortnight and then back to nursery for the last few weeks with only a change and no nappies.

If it is France you could also think about sending him for the mornings only until he's more reliable. Apparently mornings only is pretty common.

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 20:44

It is France! He would be doing mornings anyway.

I have taken everything on board. Thanks for all your thoughts. Still thinking. Will show dh the thread and see what he thinks.

Torn between leaving it which many people seem to advocate because pushing can be dangerous and blitzing keeping it positive which others have suggested. Leaning towards a blitz at home because he seems ready to me, often takes himself to the loo for a wee and can do a poo if he wants to, just never wants to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 20:45

The directeur of the school says he must be 'propre'!

OP posts:

Original poster

Paddlepat · 04/07/2013 20:45

Mornings or no mornings.

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Beamur · 04/07/2013 20:48

My DD didn't potty train until she was 3.5. Whilst it seems quite popular to start around 2 not all kids are ready.
If I were you, I'd try not to pressure him about this but be ready not to send him to school just yet if this is something the school cannot accommodate.

AllSWornOut · 04/07/2013 21:34

Well the French way sends to be to use the summer holidays before school to train, whether the children are really ready or not (not judging, they have a different way of doing things here). If he's proactively taking himself off to wee or poo I would be tempted by the blitz approach.

Our directeur has said the same thing, while at the same time telling us all to make sure there's a change of clothes in each child's bag. So I'm guessing there are going to be a few that are a bit on the limit. And don't forget the naps! No pull-ups for them either

TBH it will be whether ours is dry for naps that will be the deciding factor for mornings only or not.

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