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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider donating my eggs in the USA...

33 replies

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 13:46

...because any resulting children won't be handed my details when they reach their eighteenth birthday?

This is something I always thought I would do when I'd had all the children that I wanted to within my own family, but I am not comfortable donating and then potentially having a child try and get in touch after 18 years.
I want to help a couple, anonymously, and then leave them alone to enjoy their lives and vice versa.

There are people in my family who disapprove for religious reasons (not DH, obv, he is supportive) so I would want to do this quietly and privately and not worry about people finding out 18 years on as well

Has anyone else donated in the USA?

OP posts:

Moonstorm · 04/07/2013 13:49

If you don't want them to get in touch, then don't do it.

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 13:50

So another couple should miss out on having a baby because the donor doesn't want to be contacted?

Surely many infertile couples would disagree with that...?

OP posts:

5madthings · 04/07/2013 13:53

A child has the right to know details of their biological parents.

I donated eggs last year, my egg recipient had twin boys :)

You do realize the children can't turn up on your doorstep? They can ask for your details and if they do you will be informed, they can't just contact you out of the blue, its all done via a gov agency and you are well within your rights to just say you don't want any contact.

Moonstorm · 04/07/2013 13:53

You are forgetting that the child is also a person with feelings and needs as well. When they grow up, they should have the right to get in touch with their genetic family(donor) if they feel the need.

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 13:56

5madthings so if the government agency contacted me in 18 years and says 'X wants to get in touch', and I say 'No thank-you'... I wouldn't hear anything again?

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 04/07/2013 13:56

I think children in the USA have the right to find out their biological parent from donated egg/sperm?

or did I watch too much Boston Legal and Harry's Law

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 13:59

I think in the USA the donor makes the decision at the start of the process, much like in an open or closed adoption (there's a contract)

OP posts:

hamilton75 · 04/07/2013 13:59

YABU. Its wonderful that you are considering doing such a selfless thing but there are thousands of couples in this country who would give their right arm for this help and its not their fault the government has changed the law.

Also as another poster has said they can't just contact you its a two way thing. If you don't wish any contact you don't have to have. You might get run over by a bus tomorrow, you are worrying about things that might never happen.

The only real reason I can think of doing this via the USA is financially. I believe its lucrative over there. Is that the issue?

5madthings · 04/07/2013 14:00

Pretty much yes, they have the right to details,'medical stuff etc but they won't give them your address or anything. If you say you don't want contact there is nothing the child can do, they are not entitled to a relationship with you, or even to meet you.

Do think very seriously about this, you will speak to a counsellor about all the ethics etc before you donate, they won't let you if they feel you are not a good candidate. They go through e very thing.

Plus you have to have genetic testing/screening etc.

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 14:02

No, I would probably use one of the charity based organisations which cover travel only

I read this morning that St. Bart's have seen an 80% decrease in donations since the law changed because people do not want their information accessible by the children 18 years on. The article seemed well sourced. Is general opinion then that donors still have final say?

OP posts:

Aetae · 04/07/2013 14:07

I think you're being completely reasonable. I wouldn't have a problem donating my eggs (in theory, now too old), but I would have a problem with being contacted later on. I'd be happy to give them my family medical history to pass on to the child as that's relevant and useful, but not my contact details - for an egg donor I think the option of anonymity is entirely sensible. You want to give life, not parenting. And I don't think children do have an automatic right to know their biological parents, it's not that straightforward.

hamilton75 · 04/07/2013 14:19

5madthings - I find it interesting you used the term biological mother to mean the egg donor as I was led to believe (a friend is going through this) the woman who gives birth is medically the biological mother and the egg donor is the genetic mother.

Semantics I know but my friend was chuffed when her consultant told her she would be classed as the biological mother as strictly speaking medically the term relates to the fact that her body grows the baby, gives birth etc... I was quite surprised to find it out but a quick google suggests there is something in it depending on different definitions.

Either way, Its a wonderful thing to do

5madthings · 04/07/2013 14:37

Well yes the mother who gives birth is biologically and legally the mum.

You are right it is genetic, but I think the term uses varies.

Certainly as far as I am concerened the twins born from my eggs are not and never will be my children. We share a genetic link that ius all. I donated an ingredient to help their patents.

Fwiw you write a letter to be given to any children born once they reach 18 and if they ask for it, I said if they want contact I would be fine with that, but equally if they don't then that is fine to and I wish them well in life etc.

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 14:47

I wonder if sperm donors are asked if they would like to write a letter also...?

It just makes me feel a bit uneasy and I much prefer the American idea of either choosing an open or closed arrangement and that's the end of it - it's very clear

Thanks for replies so far, I am finding the responses very interesting

OP posts:

meditrina · 04/07/2013 14:53

The numbers of sperm donors are well down too.

hamilton75 · 04/07/2013 15:00

5madthings thanks for the reply

Its something I wish I had looked into when I was younger (pushing 40 I think mine are past their sell by date now!)
I just know having seen what my friend is going through what a truly wonderful gift you have given. I'm quite in awe of it to be honest. I wish more women were as selfless as you.

honeytea · 04/07/2013 15:02

Could you not go to another European country? The USA is a long way to go for something you could do in say Spain.

hamilton75 · 04/07/2013 15:09

honeytea that's a good point actually and would make sense unless of course it is in order to make money (not judging ether way).

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 15:10

I would probably a trip combine it with visiting friends, which is why I mentioned USA - but yes, if Spain has a similar set up I could also donate there (depending on restrictions of number of donations)

OP posts:

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 15:11

sorry, multi tasking - I would probably combine a trip with visiting friends

OP posts:

ziggyf · 04/07/2013 15:31

I think it's important to see it from the child's point of view. I strongly believe that donor conceived children should have the right to know who their donor is. I speak as the mother of 2 donor-conceived children. I'm not saying that I think all DC children should have a relationship with their donor, just that they should know at least basic details about who they are.

At 18, a donor conceived child can request identifying information about their donor. However, they do not have an automatic right to meet the donor. So, it would be perfectly possible for you to donate and never meet the resulting child/children. However, putting myself in the position of the child I would urge you to think carefully about how this could affect a young adult before you go ahead. There isn't just a need for donors, there is also a need for the right donors.

The number of sperm donors has decreased since the change in the law but there has also been a change in the type of man donating (fewer young single men, more older men with families of their own). For the poster who asked about whether sperm donors can write a letter - yes they can.

Justfornowitwilldo · 04/07/2013 15:33

The parents might love you for it, but the child? There's a reason the laws were changed.

ziggyf · 04/07/2013 15:37

Exactly Justfornowitwilldo

eurozammo · 04/07/2013 15:40

Lots of folks on the conception board here and on other websites who are using donor eggs or sperm are going to European clinics, some for costs reasons, some for this reason.

Original poster

mrspuddleduckie · 04/07/2013 18:02

Thanks for the feedback. I think I will submit some applications (for a couple of different locations) and see what kind of response I get..

OP posts:

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