To now think my daughter will be highly affected by not having a father?

[GrammerQueene]

Namechanged (again).

My daughter is 5 1/2.

I threw her father out when she was 2 weeks old after he punched me and threatened to throw the baby against the wall. He's not been in touch since.

I've not gone chasing him and was so relieved (and simultaneously terrified!) to have him gone from our lives.

I've been totally single since and I'm no rush to get into another relationship.

Up until very recently, i've been defensive when people/reports/research say that children from 'broken homes' (i hate that term) will be at a disadvantage to their 2-parent peers.

I fought my corner, saying that my dd had all she would ever need from me alone. She has a strong relationship with my brothers and grandfather, so isn't short of male role models. I spend time with her, her school report was excellent in classwork, homework and attendance sections. She is regularly told by strangers in shops etc how 'pretty' (I take this to mean well-groomed) she is, and how good her manners are.

However, dd has been saddened by the fact she doesn't have a dad since around the age of three.

I've been totally honest with her from the start and answered any questions she's had. I've explained that me and her dad used to fight and i asked him to go away. And then he decided he wasn't ready to be anyone's dad.

I've even showed her photos of him so she knows what he looks like.

He's on her BC too, so she'll always 'officially' have a father.

But she stares longingly whenever she sees little girls walk by holding hands with their dad, or getting piggybacks from them. She always pleads with me to go and get married so she can have a dad like her friends.

It's really affecting her emotionally.

I've been off work the past week and have been watching Jeremy Kyle (please don't judge). I've been hit with comments like 'every child needs two parents', 'no matter how much of a deadbeat dad he is, the child has a right to make their own mind up and get to know him', 'I hate my mum for not telling me who my dad is', 'I turned to drugs because i don't know where i came from.' etc etc etc.

I just feel horribly guilty and terrified for my daughter's future.

For 5 years, i've felt confident and 100% sure that my daughter wasn't missing out on anything. I had successfully taken on the role of both mother and father.

But now i feel differently.

So, will my daughter be okay, or have i totally fucked up her life?

I am a daughter of a mum who left a very physically abusive/alcoholic father

When I was a kid I missed what I thought I could've had but as I got older (and mum filled me in on what had happened, as it wasn't something you can tell a small child) I realized that in fact she probably saved our lives and most certainly hers. Our lives would not have been some rosy skip through the daisies like I imagined as a kid but terrifying & damaging in so many ways.

Am so grateful she left.

Please try not to worry. She's still so young and it's such a hard thing to grasp...especially the line between fantasy and awful reality.

(I think I was about 8 when she told me some of the details and of the night she ran away. I had no memories and used to ask a lot of questions. Before then we just knew he was 'dangerous and mummy couldn't stay with him anymore' but she still managed to tell me about some of his good points, which looking back must've been really hard for her)

No, you would have fucked up her life if you had stayed with him and had let her grow up watching her mother be abused and most probably be abused herself.

It is a shame she is a little sad, but it would have been a much, much bigger shame if she'd grown up known violence and terror her whole life. Try to have faith, you did the right thing.

Every child needs a secure, safe and loving environment in which to grow. Would your environment have been safe, secure and loving with man who beat you and threatened to harm his daughter?

Your DD is missing some story book fantasy of what a dad is. She has strong male role models around her. she will be ok.

There may be times when she cries and gets upset about not having a daddy ( My DD did too) but as they get older they understand why and now she really isnt bothered.

Don't beat yourself up about this.

Although it is true that 2 Good biological parents are better than one, One is infinitely better than living with the arsehole that id her father.

Bit different but my dad died when I was a child. The lack of a father has affected me in some ways (I don't know how old your father is, but my grandad was definitely a grandfather not a father) and unlike your situation there were no uncles around. BUT - doesn't sound like she'd have had a father as she wants had he been around. She's in a much better place with one loving mother than one loving mother and a violent father, and when she's older she will realise that.

My DD is 5 1/2 and she's going through the same thing - wanting a daddy. But her dad is dead and I'm just not going to get into a relationship for the sake of her having a step-dad.

You definitely did the right thing - you took her out of harm's way and gave her a safe place to grow up in - and that's got to be worth more.

Better to have one good parent than two that fight constantly with threats of violence going on.

Would it be better for her to have a stable, dependable, loving father in her life?

Sure.

But, she is much better off without an abusive "father " in her life. And kudos to you for not having rushed out to find a man to fill that role.

She may, indeed, have some issues about the situation. But, everybody has issues. I sometimes think people pick their issues to go with their circumstances. Ok, probably not, but I can't count the number of messed up people from loving stable families.

You are clearly a good mother.

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

It's just breaking my heart recently.

I feel like she's going to miss out on a 'traditional family' (also hate that term) because i've not given her a stepfather or half-siblings either.

She's the only person in her class who doesn't see her father at all.

Around Father's Day, the teacher took me aside at hometime and explained that the children would be making cards tomorrow and asked if i wanted dd to go in with next door's class to do another activity. I was shocked. I told her that dd knew what Father's day entailed and that i'd like her to make a card, too. She already knew she could make it for anybody she liked (she chose her teddy bear...). Already, at the age of 5, she's being treated differently and will start to pick up on this soon.

It's just me and her and I'm starting to think of the future. What if she ends up hating men or doesn't know how to be in a loving relationship because she's not been brought up around one? Who will give her away at her wedding?

I worry she'll be constantly considered at a disadvantage for coming from a 'broken home', and that she might resent me for that.

As shown in good old Jeremy Kyle, there are lots of teenagers who have gone off the rails because they never knew their dad and hated their mother for the lack of parent-child relationship.

I hope think this new way of thinking is just a phase, and i'll snap back to my former confident single mum attitude sharpish.

Grammer, please stop feeling guilty, you have absolutely done the right thing for her. And for god's sake (in a nice way ) stop watching Jeremy Kyle, it's a load of rubbish quite frankly and has nothing to do with morals and real life.

You've said yourself she has a strong relationship with her uncles and grandfather so she is NOT short of positive male role models. As long as you aren't setting her up in a "We women against the world, we don't need a useless man!" and just treat men as other humans then she will be absolutely fine. You'll be doing her a massive service by showing her that she doesn't have to have a relationship to be happy or to cope, too.

It's okay for her to be sad about not having a dad and you should tell her this. Don't be afraid of your DD's emotions - just because she feels sad it does not mean you did anything wrong or should feel guilty.

This is a bit wishy washy but also explains about letting children express their emotions and supporting them through it rather than trying to make things better for them all the time. You can't make it better, there are lots of things in life which are horrible and we can't make them better, and she is feeling a very real "grief" at the loss of what she feels her Daddy would have been like - unfortunately you know that he wouldn't have been like that, so all you can do is hold her and say "Yes, you're sad about this, and that's okay. You can be sad and the world won't end." It's a hard lesson to learn so young but in the long term if she learns that she can be sad and that nothing terrible happens because she is sad then she can learn to accept what is making her sad and move on.

And perhaps when she is an adult herself she could try to contact him if she wanted to, but at the moment she is not equipped to "make the decision for herself" and you are protecting her by not letting her do that.

Don't feel that you should rush into a new relationship to provide a "Daddy" for her - it has to be right or it will do more harm than good. When she says "You should get married so I can have a real daddy!" then you could try making it into a silly fantasy game, saying things like "I want a daddy who lives on the moon and drives in a rocket to see us. That would be fun. How about you?" Again sounds really bizarre but sometimes talking about their wishes in a fantastical way helps them both make the connection between something which is possible right now and which isn't possible right now, and also acknowledges that it's something they want, and it's fun and distracting too.

You've 100% done the right thing, you sound like an amazing mum.

Could you ask her grandad/uncles to take her out to the park some Saturdays?

She won't hate men as long as you don't hate men. She won't accept crappy relationships if you don't show her that crappy relationships are normal (or put men on a pedestal. As I said before, men are just other humans, treat them and talk about them as such and she won't develop any unhealthy feelings towards them.) I am on good terms with my dad and I don't want him to give me away at my wedding next year, because I think it's outdated and an old fashioned sexist notion. In 20 years' time or longer I think this will be far more the case and she won't be out of the ordinary if she chooses to have nobody give her away (or she might choose her stepfather, an uncle, grandad, or you!)

Plenty of children come from single parent families and it really isn't a stigma these days at all. Just a few small-minded people - I think the teacher meant well but was just a bit clumsy about it. It's quite normal at her age to just be realising that other children have different-shaped families to hers and it can upset some children - nothing more, I'm sure.

And really, to go on Jeremy Kyle in the first place you'd have to have a pretty messed up family dynamic don't you think? I doubt those teenagers are off the rails because they have never known their dads. They're probably off the rails because mum has never been consistent or rational or loving either, it's just because they all see that as normal, it's easier to blame the absence of a dad. Lots and lots of children grow up with one parent and they are perfectly fine. They just need you to love and trust and be there for them.

Also, on Jeremy Kyle when the children resent their mum for not having a relationship with their dad, the mum is usually the one stopping the contact. Your ex was abusive then didn't bother to get in touch, it is entirely his fault.

You are not at all at fault and have been disadvantaged to as your having to be both parents for your daughter.

My dh and his brothers were raised in a 'broken home' and are all great guys with great jobs and good prospects. A broken home is better than an abusive one.

OP your opening post really touched me - having seen a close family member go through a similar situation.

Yes of course it's sad that she has missed out on having a father - but the reality is that the 'father' she would benefit from having in her life just doesn't exist - you are both clearly better off without him.

You have done absolutely the best you could for her and should be proud of yourself for that. Don't watch Jeremy Kyle, he's full of shit, basically (for want of a more eloquent phrase!). Children need to feel loved and secure. Whoever and however many people provide that love and security doesn't matter a hoot as long as it is provided by somebody! And in your DDs case it clearly is .

I would say maybe think about if your DD has any uncles, older cousins, etc, that you could make an effort to get her together with on a regular basis, so she can have a good male role model in her life? Other than that, stop worrying

Seriously you don't need to get your life advice from jeremy Kyle!

She doesn't need a dad. She'd love to have a dad. Two very different things. You did right by her. Imagine if you'd stayed with your ex. She'd be longing much harder not to have a dad. She might even be wishing she had a mum.

DC all want things they can't have. Part of the process of growing up is to realise that we can handle what life does and doesn't give us and make the best of it. Truly, she has been given a golden ticket having a mum who got out of a violent relationship that early on. Be very proud indeed of that. It could be the most important gift you ever gave her.

Let her want a dad, don't try and talk her out of it, and agree it might be nice, but explain that good ones are very hard to find and it's right to be choosy when it comes to letting people into your life and home. Surely she must know a few other children in similar circumstances - it's very common these days.

Hundreds of thousands of highly successful, happy, well adjusted people had a single parent. Very few highly successful, happy, well adjusted people come from homes where domestic violence was the norm.

What Katy said - you are clearly a great parent. For what it's worth I grew up in a house where we were afraid of my father (no violence but he was cross) and I wish to God my mother had left him. It was totally unfair IMO to inflict that eggshell situation on us.

Of course your DD is missing out on the positive side of a father but she is not being affected in a negative way by a scary presence in her life. Of course she can't see that because the only example of parenting she has is from her wonderful mother and she imagines a father would be equally great.

You can help her come to terms with her emotions. You can empathise and share her feelings - you are also sad for her and for you. But your job is to keep her safe and raise her in a happy environment, which you are doing. I wish my mother had done the same. Keep talking to her. She definitely does not need a 'deadbeat Dad'. She does need reassurance from the parent she loves and trusts. You were definitely 100% right to have full confidence in yourself and I would shove Jeremy Kyle right to the back of my mind. You are a brilliant role model.

You sound like a wonderful, smart, caring parent. And just like all parents, everywhere, you're wondering if you're doing the right thing for your child and wondering if your child would have been happier if you'd taken a different route.

I'd turn off Jeremy Kyle and try to concentrate on all the great things you're doing for your DD - providing a loving, safe, caring, predictable and happy home. apatchylass has it spot on, I think.

Leaving that guy was the best thing you ever did for her, he would have impacted far more negatively on her than you being on your own with lovely male role models around ever could.

One thing you said slightly surprised me- I would be very surprised indeed if your dd was the only one in a class of 30 (if in a state school) who doesn't have a dad around. My children's dad works away and they are sometimes really sad about this and tell me 'everyone has their dads there every day' and so on, but I know this is not true. I know some children who don't see their dads often at all if ever, due to divorce, a pair of women who have had a child together (so no dad there every day) and women who have children by different dads, dads who work away, or just dads who work long hours, as well as one lady who is widowed. We won't even go into people who live with their dads who are horrible or abusive. Of course it's lovely to have a dad there every day, and I wish my children had that, but it's wrong to think 'everyone' has this and this is the norm in our society. I think children do have a very idealised view of what a family 'ought' to look like which very much happens when they go to nursery/school and hear about this/see other families, but the truth is rather more complex and it may be worth gently pointing out other children who also don't have their dads around all the time too (if you know their circumstances and know they wouldn't mind!)

she is better off without her particular dad. she might not have had you at all and may have hd to be raised in care. that is going to be a lot worse than with a loving mum who is alive!

I think it's important to recognise that happy families come in many shapes and sizes.

We've been conditioned over the years to think that nuclear families are the only "healthy" environment for a child to grow up in. Bollocks!

I would do some googling of the Myth of Nuclear/Traditional families, there's plenty of brilliant research being done that not only contradicts this crap about kids raised by single mothers as "more likely to fail academically", but also delves into history, explaining that the heterosexual, married, 2-parent family is a relatively new thing, and not always the most ideal.

Holding yourself up to an imposed standard like this is harmful, it keeps women and children from leaving abusive situations for the sake of upholding a family structure that isn't neccessary. Having a community, however big or small, of family and kind friends around who are loving and supportive are just as healthy as a traditional (non-abusive) 2-parent family.
We all know people who have been raised by single mums/single dads/grandparents/etc. who are incredibly well-adjusted and healthy. My DH was raised by his mum, who left his abusive fuckwit dad when he was young. My DH is the kindest, sanest, most compassionate man who has a very strong respect for women. He tells me he was sad about not having a dad figure for a bit but his knowledge that his mum put his needs first really resonated with him throughout his life. He loves his mother fiercely and would do anything for her.

You have done the best thing for your daughter in removing yourself and her from a toxic, abusive environment. I admire women like you! Your daughter will grow up knowing you did the best for her and that you love and care for her and that's waaaay better than keeping some scumbag around for the sake of a token parent.

Of course your DD will be OK. You could have totally ruined her life by staying with a violent partner. Yes, she would like a dad but it is her idealised version of a dad, rather than the dad that she actually had. Just imagine how awful her life would have been if you had stayed with her father - it doesn't really bear thinking about, does it?

Don't worry about finding a stepfather either. Perhaps you might meet someone nice in the future - perhaps not. But it would have to be absolutely right for you before it can be right for her. Why would she hate men if she has good role models in her grandfather and uncles. You really are overthinking it if you are worried about who will give her away at her wedding.

The people on Jeremy Kyle are totally dysfunctional - it is a freak show. There are plenty of perfectly respectable single parent families with well brought up children who are a credit to them. I will leave you with the last line of an essay one of my students wrote about her single parent family, it was, 'we are very cosy, just the 3 of us'.

Great advice on this thread.

One thing struck me though. Is there a possibility that your daughter is picking up your feelings and sensitivities around this subject?? Perhaps it would help if you looked at that yourself more?

I also think the age around 5 is a sensitive age for this subject, so she may raise the subject more now, and that phase will pass somewhat.

I think the father-daughter relationship can be important but it sounds like she has good male models, and I think if you also give her strong guidance and support, this is good enough.

I doubt you have 'ruined' her life, as most of us have had imperfect beginnings, to say the least. Life rarely delivers the fairytale most people imagine. You just made the best choices you could with what you knew at the time, and I think you were right and brave to get a violent man out of your life. Perhaps you should have more confidence and trust in yourself?