To now think my daughter will be highly affected by not having a father?

[GrammerQueene]

Namechanged (again).

My daughter is 5 1/2.

I threw her father out when she was 2 weeks old after he punched me and threatened to throw the baby against the wall. He's not been in touch since.

I've not gone chasing him and was so relieved (and simultaneously terrified!) to have him gone from our lives.

I've been totally single since and I'm no rush to get into another relationship.

Up until very recently, i've been defensive when people/reports/research say that children from 'broken homes' (i hate that term) will be at a disadvantage to their 2-parent peers.

I fought my corner, saying that my dd had all she would ever need from me alone. She has a strong relationship with my brothers and grandfather, so isn't short of male role models. I spend time with her, her school report was excellent in classwork, homework and attendance sections. She is regularly told by strangers in shops etc how 'pretty' (I take this to mean well-groomed) she is, and how good her manners are.

However, dd has been saddened by the fact she doesn't have a dad since around the age of three.

I've been totally honest with her from the start and answered any questions she's had. I've explained that me and her dad used to fight and i asked him to go away. And then he decided he wasn't ready to be anyone's dad.

I've even showed her photos of him so she knows what he looks like.

He's on her BC too, so she'll always 'officially' have a father.

But she stares longingly whenever she sees little girls walk by holding hands with their dad, or getting piggybacks from them. She always pleads with me to go and get married so she can have a dad like her friends.

It's really affecting her emotionally.

I've been off work the past week and have been watching Jeremy Kyle (please don't judge). I've been hit with comments like 'every child needs two parents', 'no matter how much of a deadbeat dad he is, the child has a right to make their own mind up and get to know him', 'I hate my mum for not telling me who my dad is', 'I turned to drugs because i don't know where i came from.' etc etc etc.

I just feel horribly guilty and terrified for my daughter's future.

For 5 years, i've felt confident and 100% sure that my daughter wasn't missing out on anything. I had successfully taken on the role of both mother and father.

But now i feel differently.

So, will my daughter be okay, or have i totally fucked up her life?

Many of the stats showing children from so-called broken homes do state that the damage is done by a child having no role model of the same gender as the absent parent. You have positive male role models in your DD's life and as she grows up she will come into contact with many people in the same position. And fwiw, staying around your ex would have been far worse for both of you.

And btw she is very unlikely to suffer from not having a step father/half siblings - that itself can cause its own problems. You sound like a fantastic mum and you are doing your utmost to give your DD the best life that you can. And I apologise if its unmumsnetty but !

Staying with an abusive man would have fucked up her life. Making the decision to get rid of him was the best thing you could have done for her. If she has difficulties because of his absence, this is not your fault! it is his fault for being a violent arsehole. You sound like you are doing everything you can to give her a good and healthy upbringing, despite the potential disadvantage. If she grows up to be sad that her father is missing, you are giving her the ability to cope with that. Remember, she is not sad because you chucked him out, she is sad because he was not fit to be a parent. And you sound like you are doing everything you can to help her cope. And she will.

Just wanted to say you sound a lovely mum, and you have done the best for your daughter by creating a safe environment for her. My best friend has never had a relationship with her dad as her mum threw hin out for being on drugs, when she was 2years old. As an adult she thinks her mum is amazing for raising her and her siblings alone, and dreads to think what her life would have been like if they had stayed together.
I think the problems can arise when there is zero male role models, which your daughter has got. Please dont worry.

You can learn how to have a loving relationship by watching other couples within your family and to be honest I learned a few of the rights and wrongs by watching my mum date when I was a teenager.

My grandparents are still together and that helped but I mostly learned by talking to my mum about them...especially once I started dating myself as a teen. I certainly know more about healthy relationships than I would've if my mum had stayed with my dad!

It sounds like you're thinking of issues that haven't even come up yet but you really don't need to worry so much. As long as she has your full support and can come to you if she needs to then she will get along fine seriously

(it also taught me never to stay with a man who mistreats you deliberately in any way just because he says he loves you/is sorry...which I think can take some people a long time to learn! You sounds like a thoughtful, supportive mum and that is all she needs)

GrammerQueene, single parent to single parent, I'm going to give you a little bit of a talking to here.

Being a single parent is really hard and there is a lot of crap around about how every child needs a father. It's a load of rubbish. Children need love and stability and your child has that because you insisted on it. You made sure her life was safe and secure and you got rid of someone who would only bring her heartbreak. You should be applauding yourself for that not tying yourself in knots over it.

As a single parent, one of the hardest things is that you set the tone for the household every day. And you need to do that for DD. You will create the context in which she will understand her family. She needs to understand she has a wonderful, strong family that will always support her. It may look slightly different to some but that's still what it is. You can't ride roughshod over her feelings, certainly, but don't contribute to them by watching Jeremy Kyle and thinking that you really do have something to be sorry about. You don't - you have a lot to be proud of and you have to help DD be proud of her family too.

And yes she will look at other girls with dads and wonder about her own lack of a dad. Mine do that. But they also wish they had a puppy. And a caravan! I'm not trying to downplay their feelings but it's important that they understand that our family is mummy and DCs and that's lovely and that not all families are the same. Todd Parr's Family Book

www.amazon.co.uk/Family-Book-Todd-Parr/dp/0316070408/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372941152&sr=1-1

is good for conversations about this. It's much easier if you believe it too - and I do. I grew up without a dad and so I never had a dad to carry me on his shoulders or teach me to ride a bike. On one levels it's sad but honestly what you never had you can't miss - unless someone makes you feel bad about it. What I do have is an awesome family and I wouldn't trade that for the world. You have to believe that you and your DD are awesome together and create the family around that.

Grammer I grew up in a single parent household. I honestly don't feel I missed out on anything. My father wasn't parent material and couldn't care less about us. When I was younger I sought him out as I felt I should, seeing his disinterest and selfishness made me realise my mum had made the right choice. You have to remember you have made the right decision for your DD.

By the way I had a traditional church wedding and my mum gave me away. Everyone thought it was lovely. I have a grandad and an older brother but it didn't seem right to have them do it.

Don't feel bad you sound like a lovely mum.

I grew up in a one parent family, my mum's friends were all single mums and I am happy to report that not one of the (7) kids that I knew closely growing up leads a hard life now. All of the children have done degrees and including myself 5 of us live abroad. I have a loving and stable relationship as do most of my single mum "siblings"

When people ask me what it was like not having an involved father I tell them that you can't miss something you have never had. For me growing up with a single mum was great, there was only one set of rules, me and my mum are very close, you are already different so life changes like moving abroad don't seem so daunting.

I don't believe you need parents with a good relationship to teach you what a relationship should be like, I think you need self respect and respect for others to make a relationship work and you can teach your dd those things.

Have you talked about the good things about not having a daddy around? Things like "it's great that it's just me and you because we can spend lots of time together!" or pick a shared interest and say "just think if there was a dad around he probably wouldn't love cycling/baking/swimming as much as us so we wouldn't get to do it so often"

Do you have single mum friends? I found that really helped, the kids of my mum's friends are like siblings to me ( I can't wait for ds's name giving ceremony in July when we all get to meet up!) we went on holidays and had Christmases with the other mums and their kids it was lovely! I found it quite strange going to other friend's houses when they had a dad.

please don't feel bad
she will be fine
you did the very best by leaving him so she didn't grow up in that awful situation

grammar plenty of good advice here that I won't repeat.

One of my best friends was raised by her mum - her dad was not really around, not violent like your ex but just not present. He's swan in and buy her bunch of clothes and then not be seen for months or years.

She got married last year and he was there but her mum walked her down the aisle. It was lovely and meaningful for her.

I don't know what her dad thought but he didn't have any reason other than biology to be there.

My friend missed having a daddy growing up, but her mum more than made up for it.

I worry about this too, we don't really have any men in the family either. Just my stepdad who DD sees once or twice a month.

But I don't slag her (absent abusive) dad off and certainly don't have an 'all men are assholes' attitude which I'm pretty sure would screw her up. All I can do is do my best and hope we'll all be ok.

The thing is, OP, you're being honest - in an age-appropriate way - with her.
She'll come through this phase and she will be very grateful that:
a. you did the right thing by throwing your ex out, and
b. being open with her.

I've been fed a lot of BS throughout my life about my biological father - this is one of the reasons I don't talk to my mother now. Any discussion was closed down very rapidly, and from a very early age, so I learned not to ask.

That's what'll do the damage. It's OK for your daughter to yearn for what she sees around her, it's human nature, but as long as she knows that she doesn't have this figure in her life for a very good reason....she'll be right in the end.

I couldn't not post on this.

I didn't have a father around and felt I really missed out on the whole 'family thing'. I was brought up in the 70's, went to a Catholic school and was basically the only divorced child there. It was miserable. I did dream that my dad would turn up, or that I'd find the adoption papers.

But as an adult, who has now met her father a few times, while I still have compassion for the child I was and understand her feelings, my mum did absolutely, totally 100% the right thing in cutting contact. She was a fucking hero, actually.

So please, please don't overthink this and don't let it get you down. It is natural she misses having a dad, but take it from me, it is infinitely better that she misses her dad than you or her is still being beaten up by him.

You did the right thing. You are continuing to do the right thing. Doing the right thing isn't easy though. But you have to keep doing it

I think she is better off without a father if that man was the option available. She will too when she's old enough to understand.

Thanks so much for all the lovely replies and advice. You've reduced me to a blubbering mess.

DD spends time with her grandfather and two of her uncles (who live with my parents) on a Saturday when i'm at work. So she does have male adults in her life.

I know that dd is fortunate to not have that particular man in her life. But I just feel like i owe it to her to push on and find a good stepfather. That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

I'm perfectly happy with it being just me and her. But she doesn't seem to be.

I'm going to take on board all of your tips and hope this little phase passes quickly (for both me and dd).

Hi OP, I don't know if this will help but my DM left my abusive F when I was 2 and me and her were on our own until I was around 5.

I did see my F on occasion (so not exactly the same) but I can honestly say I don't feel I missed out and I look back on those times when it was just 'her and me' with huge fondness. It was a special time and has made our relationship a very lovely and really strong one.

Is it possible that YOU'RE ready to find a new man, and that you're looking for permission? From your DD, or from the rest of the world?

The best role model you can give her is a happy, confident mother who doesn't feel the need to be with someone just avoid being alone, but chooses to only get involved in a relationship when she feels ready and with the right person.

Really hard to say though I had a mentally abusive father who definitely affected me in a very negative way and out relationship is terrible (siblings feel the same). A good loving father, I'm sure is a wonderful thing but not every father is good and lovng.

you dont need to be her father. you just need to continue to be her mother and be the best you can at that.

let her express ehr wishes and acknowledge them. have her draw family tree. as in who are the important people in her life? dad is there because he helped make her...but he isnt around.

she knows where she came from. but he isnt there every day. that is a fact. acknoledge it.

but her uncles, grandadad should be in that family picture. they are the important people in her life.

so she wants a "dad" ? as others said - we can all want things we cant have just like that...you can tell her yes it would be nice; maybe one day, but you cant go looking for a "dad" for her - if it happens it happens.

if her sadness is geting in the way of her enjoying life (or is making you anxious) seek advice/help from family therapist/play therapist/art therapist - a few sessions talking thu with neutral person trained to ask the right questions and doing activities like the family tree can help.

another great activity is to sit and make a family shield with her with your motto - what drives your family ? i.e. you. her, extended family? what are your origins? strengths? challenges? how do you see the future? how does she see it? what is wishful thinking - and nothing wrong with dreaming and going on a fantasy adventure.... when i grow up i want to be a ...... what can realistically be achieved?

we've done some really useful family therapy sessions. my dd doesnt se her dad because of his past behaviour but she include shim in family tree -she certianly acknoledges his role in creating her. she jsu doesnt want anything to do with him. which is fair enough.

One of my friends grew up without her father. She's an extremely happy, effective, funny, stable, clever woman

She's also in a great relationship and has loads of male friends.

She respects her mum so much for raising her alone.

Stop beating yourself up - you made the right decision, the best decision. Stand by the woman you were five and a half years ago, who protected her daughter and herself. She sounds amazing

My DF was an alcoholic so I spent my childhood wishing for a 'normal' family life - but what did also affect me was feeling sorry for my mum, we DCs were always 'good', never in trouble, never up to no good or at least she never heard about it , and possibly that had a bigger effect on us than our DFs drinking. So we were never honest with her about our feelings or worries, which is sad, with hindsight, as we didn't want to add to her burden.
My point is that the main thing is that you are a happy, positive DM for your DD and there for her if she needs you, which I'm sure you are, OP.