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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to withdraw support and friendship to this woman

27 replies

acheekyvimto · 03/07/2013 22:57

A small bit of background, I met this person through our 8yo DD's. She often struggles with parenting and so I offer support and friendship where I can. Although it hasn't always been easy, she doesn't take any responsibility for her dd's actions, how I kept it together when her DD pushed my 2yo DS down the stairs I don't know.

I forgave her in time because her DD and my DD are friends and I thought they'd both changed.

Fast forward to tonight and I've been dropping all of us off at an activity all week. Her DD has bullied my daughter through most of it, she blamed my daughter with retrospective apologies because my DD was telling the truth.

The final straw is tonight, I get her DD in the back of the car stating that adults don't like my daughter. Mum drags her daughter from car, swearing and cursing.

I've had a text saying "soz, my daughter was talking while driving, told her to be quiet." No mention of her the hurtful things she was saying.

Should I withdraw my offer of friendship.

OP posts:

Crumbledwalnuts · 03/07/2013 23:00

Yup. No doubt at all. I would.

annh · 03/07/2013 23:01

I would say that it's best if you don't offer any more lifts for the time being as your daughters don't seem to be getting on, your daughter has been upset by what hers has been saying and that your primary responsibility is to see that she isn't upset by these nasty comments. Then I would just not get in touch for playdates or activities. If this girl is bullying your daughter I can't think that you dd is going to be too upset at not seeing this girl so much.

quesadilla · 03/07/2013 23:04

Have you ever actually sat her down and talked to her about this? It sounds like the daughter is either troubled or very spoiled, but hard to tell from your post if she acknowledges this or is blind to it.

But on the basis of what's happened tonight I would say yes you should withdraw friendship. Life is too short to indulge people who repeatedly refuse to take responsibility for their kids being destructive and selfish.

EugenesAxe · 03/07/2013 23:05

I don't get it - can you rewrite paragraphs 3-5 as its not clear what's happened at the activity or in the car.

YouTheCat · 03/07/2013 23:07

Yep. My dd had a toxic little friend like that with a mother who would not believe how hateful she was (she had all the girls in their class gang up on my dd because she didn't like girly things ffs). She would never tell her 'no' and her dd was still having 'I want' tantrums at 9.

Dd decided for herself not to bother with the child anymore and avoided her as much as possible and I distanced myself from her mother (she used to phone me up pissed and rant about her mother). She even accused my dd of bullying her dd when nothing could be further from the truth.

Now her dd is 18 and likes to hit her mother if she doesn't get her way.

OddSockMonster · 03/07/2013 23:07

Yep, I'd drop contact.

Hope your DD is ok, would it be worth telling school if they have the same teacher, as I should think the bullying will continue there even if you can control it out of school.

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 03/07/2013 23:08

Thanks, I'll get her to withdraw from her at the end of week. A little complicated as they need to get on til Saturday.

This culminates the end of a bad day as both this child and DD's bully are in her new class next year.

OP posts:

DoctorAnge · 03/07/2013 23:09

Sorry I don't understand your OP

YouTheCat · 03/07/2013 23:11

Make the new teacher aware of the potential for bullying - get in there before the other mother does.

oreocookiez · 03/07/2013 23:15

She sounds completely bonkers, unstable and OTT.... just bin her as a friend. You dont need that kind of crap .... your DD should not have to put up with being bullied and lied about either, very upsetting for both of you. Avoid her, dont answer her calls or what ever, it will only get worse!

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 03/07/2013 23:16

OK a little more detail they are both 8, they have generally had a relationship since pre school. Which I cooled after DS was chucked down the stairs by her DD.

Fast forward to Y3, they have become friends again, her DD has not really changed. Her DD was spouting off in my car about something that I didn't see at the show. Same as my DD was blamed for being a drama queen at last week's sow despite her kicking and calling her names which was proved later.

I believe my DD, because of previous history from her DD. But I feel as though I can't offer her friendship because of this.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 03/07/2013 23:29

You are not on an outreach programme and whilst you have done a lovely thing by extending the hand of friendship, I don't think your dd should carry on paying the price. I would withdraw the lifts and the mutual activity and perhaps keep to the odd playdate if your dd wants that, but she needs to be protected from bullying, sadly this lady and her child do sound damaged and you need to keep your own family away from that, not continue to be basically taken advantage of and verbally abused. It's a shame, but you can't go on like this and you are not helping her anyway.

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 03/07/2013 23:35

Mumsy, you have hit the nail on the head.

I felt sorry for her as a single parent and our social circle is mixed, but with people that like or feel sorry like I do.

She is a single mum, there are obvious issues and possible SS involvement and I'm not someone who writes off totally on the basis of one thing.

But I like to useful, to help people out and maybe I need to toughen up.

OP posts:

Crumbledwalnuts · 04/07/2013 09:57

I would get your daughter moved from a class with two bullies! Or get the bullies moved. Talk to the teacher before the end of term and use words like "best practice" "duty of care" and "due diligence". I simply wouldn't send a child to school with two bullies. What misery.

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 06/07/2013 23:30

Thanks, I've spoken to DD's current teacher, he's made notes of my feelings.

Loony mum has avoided me for the rest of the week. I'm sure she is ashamed. She bought me flowers and thanked me for my help.

Although I think my daughters relationship with her daughter is done, my daughter has nail marks in her arm tonight where the other girl dug her nail in in front of her mother. The mother said nothing while I consoled mine. I'm furious with her for that, children grow up with discipline and boundaries from their parents. Attacking other children has sanction in my house.

OP posts:

londone17 · 06/07/2013 23:35

I would cut all contact with them as their behaviour is unfair on your family.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 06/07/2013 23:43

Good lord re nail scratches!

Definitely fade away from her, it's not good for your dd to be exposed to this nastiness. It's not your job to take it on the chin

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 06/07/2013 23:49

I will not take it on the chin, she openly admits she doesn't do discipline, if my DD had behaved that way she wouldn't have stayed to the end.

My DD is like me, she likes to help troubled souls and doesn't want to make enemies. After today I'm going to push to move her, at the risk of outing me, there is a PAN in the current year of 60 and only 20 in her class, the other class will have the same.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2013 23:55

Make sure the teacher does more than just write some notes, get them to tell you exactly what steps they're going to take to stop your DD from being bullied at school.

And then keep checking 1) that they're doing it 2) whether it's working

Go back as many times as you need, your DD shouldn't have to put up with any shit.

What happened with the girl 'chucking' your DS down the stairs? The way you've written it sounds very sure that's what happened. If she did deliberately do that, how have you managed to square having her in your house again?

If anyone, whatever age, chucked our 3 YO down the stairs they'd be out sharpish and never darken the door again.

An 8 YO knows that's wrong.

notanyanymore · 07/07/2013 00:03

TBH I wouldn't withdraw friendship from the mum if your dd is stuck in a class with her dd and a bully next year. The saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" came about for a reason. I think you need to think carefully before you make your next step, consider what you want to gain from the situation for your dd and proceed from there.

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 07/07/2013 00:04

She was 4 at the time and has never been in my house since. I cannot and will not allow her in the house with my DS since. Her wet dish cloth of a mother was a complete an utter tit then as well. I'm ringing the doctors and rather than get the fuck out of my house before I said something I regret she hung around.

But time passes, and the I'm a single parent that's why I'm soft is infuriating. Please for your daughters sake,discipline. It won't make you a bad person to sanction your child.
BTW I was a single mum to DD1 (with SEN) until she was 4, so I understand its hard.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 07/07/2013 00:11

Wouldn't that just be playing games with, what sounds like, a pretty unpleasant person notany? (I'm not including the DD in that because she can't help who her mum is)

The OP shouldn't think about spending even one more minute with someone whose child is attacking her own DC, it'd be a bit like telling someone to just put up with bullies and meet the shittiness with kindness.

It doesn't work like that, because some people take advantage.

The OP has to protect her children, and going along with this woman's lack of discipline looks like she's choosing her over them.

AgentZigzag · 07/07/2013 00:16

Maybe a 4 YO being involved when a 2 YO fell down the stairs is a bit different to an 8 YO pushing a 2 YO down them.

I don't think she'd properly understand the consequences at 4, even if she did deliberately push him.

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 07/07/2013 00:19

No I will not keep my enemies close.

I wanted affirmation that this woman and her DD were toxic to my family. Which is why I volunteered the info about my son from several years ago.

I prefer to be friendless than have a parent whose child that pushes my child down the stairs and sinks their nails into another ones arm and who cannot discipline.

I cannot be friends and regardless of her personal problems I cannot support her after tonight. She could've sanctioned tonight but was more concerned about her daughter missing an award than her behaviour to my daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

acheekyvimto · 07/07/2013 00:21

Agent Zigzag the 8 almost 9 yo daughter attacked my daughter today. They girls are the same age, I slowly forgave her for that incident.

OP posts:

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