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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dont know how to not be oversensitive with husband

34 replies

sunflowersareyellow · 03/07/2013 20:57

we have v rocky relationship

yesterday night had nice.time chattin n jokin n i said i wanted to read him something id read online. he was texting his sister at the time. i said do that in a min please.listen to this pleeassee. waited about a min or two...still texting....joking around "what u texting her why dnt u call her...must be serious if u messagin her as they dont chat much....." - so what i would call lovingly bothering n teasin, not getting anoyed n nagging...he just keeps blankin me so i get upset...he says go on then....i read the first of three sentences....he grimaces n rolls his eyes "is this going to b long?". so i just said whatever n shut up. he knew i was upset. (if relevant the content was a cutsie thing about treatin ur partner nicely n not hurtin them cos theyre precious blah). he knew i was upset. i didnt say anything but been off with him when i saw him briefly in morning n to say goodnight. he knew this. so thisevening we have a row about it. im not alowed to get upset over shite. he wil never apologise over it. i need to get over myself and grow up. then throws in if im busy tmro evening which he knows i Am as he now announces he has.plans to go out i.e. implyin i need.to cancel or go out carrying guilt he is missing out.

i feel like why cudnt he just have humoured.me and listen to me for ten secs? wouldnt that be loving?

i can see why this is ridiculous but i think its the context ofwobbly relationship n me being very emotionally fragile n vulnerable thats making me so confused n lost. i.e. this episode has.made.me contemplate suice self harm runnig away etc. whenevrr we have such episodes i feel alone n like a victim n stupid for being abnormally oversensitive n hurt but I Do feel hurt. he is v angry.it was a joke apparently. one said very dismissively n knowing i was hurt....

so lost.

OP posts:
vickster01 · 03/07/2013 23:25

Im so sorry to hear you feel this way.if it helps i have had an in depth conversation with my husband bout family stuff.one week later he was adamant we didn't n i got so angry n upset out of frustration coz i remember his reply to everything i said! but rather than spend days being upset n angry i just thought i love him n our family n decided it didn't really matter.it is very normal to be ignored by your other half especially wen they have a distraction such as a mobile.lol.could there be another reason why your feeling so upset ie new or young baby or tiredness.wat u have explained is normal in any relationship but if its making u consider self harm u should see ur doctor or maybe choose to be on your own a relationship which makes u consider something so drastic is not a good relationship to be in.But there may be a more underlying meaning like depression most women don't realise they are depressed.im not saying it is that but there's no harm is questioning it could b a possibility.on the other hand ur other half could of humored you but if u love him just try n see it as not really a big deal it happens in every relationship n men do be-grudge saying sorry even if their in the wrong.hope all goes well.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 23:31

It's like Feminism never happened in here sometimes...

oreocookiez · 03/07/2013 23:34

sounds like you already know the answer... bin him.

Tweasels · 03/07/2013 23:34

Those first two posts were awfully similar Confused

Anyhow, how long have you been in this relationship?

Cheeseatmidnight · 03/07/2013 23:34

Errr... It is not normal. My dp says sorry. Wtf!?

Cheeseatmidnight · 03/07/2013 23:35

Oh yes they are aren't they! Shock

Teeb · 03/07/2013 23:43

Get help.

NoRainNoRainbow · 03/07/2013 23:47

Wtf? Seriously?

Ummmm LTB to OP and first poster Grin

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 23:50

You're not being "oversensitive". He's being a dick.

HTH

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/07/2013 23:51

Tweasels I thought the same!

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/07/2013 23:51

AIBU to have posted that based on the reaction of other posters since my eyes kept skimming over the text, unable to comprehend any of it? Blush I think I need to go to bed!

VitoCorleone · 03/07/2013 23:57

Hmm you wait ages for a post in text speak n 2 come along at once.

FringeEvent · 03/07/2013 23:58

On your other recent thread you said you'd initiated separation from your husband. What happened? Are you still planning on leaving, or are you both working on repairing your relationship? (It doesn't sound like he is.) You said there was a waiting list of a few weeks for Relate, did you book / start sessions with them yet? You sound confused - Relate helped me a lot when I was in an unhappy relationship and struggling to get my thoughts and feelings in order, I would recommend giving it a go.

Tweasels · 04/07/2013 00:17

Welcome to mumsnet Vickster01, I notice you joined today. You are very welcome here but I need to challenge this statement you made

"it is very normal to be ignored by your other half especially wen they have a distraction such as a mobile.lol."

As the lovely AnyFucker alluded to up thread we're quite keen on a bit of the old feminism round these parts and empowering women etc. Not a very helpful statement is it, really?

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2013 02:00

It IS quite annoying to have someone pestering you when you are trying to send a text or talk on the phone. Particularly if the reason the person is pestering you is in order to read some shitty magazine article to you.

Do you spend a lot of time 'lovingly botherin an teasin' him to look at pictures of kittens on Facebook with 'inspirational' quotes on, as well?

OK, it's quite possible that your H is a bully who won't ever listen to you, but it's also possible that you are one of those wittering, twittering people who are absolutely fucking maddening to live with as you are incapable of waiting five minutes while someone finishes a task and whatever it is you are plucking at your partner's sleeve and bleating about is trivial shit.

Momofthreeloudkids · 04/07/2013 02:17

Lmao @ Do you spend a lot of time 'lovingly botherin an teasin' him to look at pictures of kittens on Facebook with 'inspirational' quotes on, as well?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/07/2013 02:24

If DH expected me to stop a conversation with my brother (and back and forth texting is a conversation, despite the Civilisation Is Going To Hell In A Handbasket aspect of it) in order to read me a cutsie quote about how I should treat him like a precious darling, I'd roll my eyes as well. I agree with SGB.

On the other hand, telling someone unilaterally that they have to cancel their plans to go out because you've decided you're going instead is entirely and completely not on.

As for the rest of it, you obviously relate so very badly to one another that you need to take some sort of action. He is "very angry" that you got upset? You are considering self harm? You are both entirely over-reacting.

McGeeDiNozzo · 04/07/2013 04:22

I agree with Tortoise - I'm not surprised he was annoyed that you wanted to interrupt him to read him something twee like that. SGB - harsh, but fair.

The question is, however, why you were motivated to read it in the first place. It's surely a sign that something is wrong if you feel the need to read something to your OH about treating you well because you're precious: that should come naturally to him. It seems to me that you wanted to read it to him because you didn't think he was treating you well.

And, to be frank, if he says 'I'm going out tomorrow night and you have no say in the matter and you have to stay in fuck you bye', then he isn't treating you well.

That said, no amount of cutesy magazine blurb is going to get him to change his mind.

Onetwo34 · 04/07/2013 05:08
  1. If someone is doing something, let them finish it, unless, you know, you want to tell them their hair is on fire or whatever. It is just annoying to think that what has popped into your head has to be the most important thing to them as well as to you straight away. Interrupting like that and being impatient is basically rude.
  1. You have plans to go out tomorrow, your DH says 'If you don't have plans tomorrow, I do', when you know he does know?
Just say 'You already know I am going out. See you later!' Why on God's green earth would you feel guilty?! You have no reason to feel guilty at all. Go out! Have a nice time!
  1. You don't sound happy. Do you think your DH makes your life easier? More happy? You should have a think about that, and maybe talk to someone, together or alone, about what might have to change.
maddening · 04/07/2013 05:55

agree with the last posters - you wbu with the pestering and he ibu now.

thebody · 04/07/2013 07:39

Sorry op agree SolidGold.

Original poster
sunflowersareyellow · 04/07/2013 10:57

Fair enough people, advice taken on board. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 04/07/2013 11:08

You want to self harm? have you seen your GP for these thoughts?

If not, please do so ASAP.

I agree with the others, if I was texting someone and my husband was bugging me to read some crap magazine article while I was busy I would be annoyed too. I would finish up what I was doing but I would not expect him to keep bugging me for my attention.

Good luck to you.

Original poster
sunflowersareyellow · 04/07/2013 11:11

I obviously give situations more meaning than they should be given. So Husband shunning sentimental item I wanted to share with him to bring us closer together, was interpreted as him shunning me & my attempt to bond us. I know he doesnt like soppy stuff and I dont either usually (promise!!) so I knew it would be something he wouldnt like so I guess I was setting mself up to be hurt. Obviously as some of.you have said its the background that led to my overreaction & I need to do something about it. More likely though probably our dysfunctionality will be carried to the grave and mess up our children along the way.

OP posts:
DreamingofSummer · 04/07/2013 11:17

So what are you going to do about it?