SIL - can't forgive or forget

[MyVeryEducatedMotherJustShowed]

DS is two

When he was born I had a horrendous time BF, never really figured out why it didn't work, but saw bf consultants ( private and at breastfeeding cafes), and many other health professionals. Also phoned LLL, NCT etc. he ended up on a drip at one point and lost and regained and lost again his birthweight over a period of many weeks

Anyway DP's older sister a bit of a militant bfeeder and couldn't - wouldn't - understand why he went on the bottle from 8 weeks and on formula from 12 weeks (couldnt keep up with expressing day and night)

She made remarks to DP along the lines of I 'obviously think formula is the easier option', 'has she really tried?', 'most people can bf with a bit of effort', 'does she know how evil formula is' etc. also quite scathing about formula to my face. She knew some of the issues I was having but not all of them, simply because she never really asked and I didn't feel I owed her an explanation anyway. DP gave the bare minimim of info as they're not that close.

She didnt know that I was in the depths of PND, completely cut up about not being able to bf and had tried literally everything. Also not living in my home country and feeling lonely and isolated ...clearly none of this helped.

Anyway still angry about it two years on but actually more so right now as turns out DS has some minor to moderate physical issues that are quite likely to explain his inability to bf (won't say here as don't want to out myself)

I avoid SIL as much as possible, won't interact with her other than being civil and won't go to smaller events where I would be forced to talk with her. She is getting married next year and I've told DP I will attend in the day to support him but am leaving as soon as meal is done. I would need to do that probably for DS anyway, but he has suggested we get a babysitter, to which I said no.

DP thinks it's time to get over it, but this latest development re DS's health issues has meant I'm all the more unlikely to.

Am I being unreasonable and petty? Or not?

No you are not being petty. I suppose some would describe me as a "militant bf'er" but I wouldn't dream of saying such horrible things about someone's choice to ff. Your SIL is being particularly insensitive given the ordeal you had in trying to bf.

It's not something I would be able to just get over.

Is there any way you can have a discussion with her about it? Not because you own her an explanation, but because it might help you saying it all to her.

I think your SIL was unkind, but after 2 years maybe it is time to move on. As you say she didn't know the full story, so she didn't realise how hurtful she was being. Go to the wedding and try to be happy for her. Hope your DS is OK.

If our DH isn't close to her anyway I can't see why he is bothered.

Just because she is related, doesn't mean you have to get over any issue you may have with her. Sounds like she is quite nasty anyway. Would you put up with it from a friend? Probably not so why should a relative be any different.

If bfing is something your SIL feels strongly about (and obviously something you do too, because it sounds like you went far beyond what you needed to to really try to make it work), then it's understandable that she might question why you didn't continue (especially since it sounds like she hasn't yet had kids). Is it possible that her comments were fairly minor, but seemed major at the time because you were suffering from PND? You say that she was unaware that you were suffering from PND....so how was she supposed to be helpful and sensitive, if she didn't know what was going on. My suggestion would be to try to mend the relationship and talk about what was going on at the time. It takes so much less emotional energy to forgive and be friends than to harbor resentment and hatred.

I am speaking from personal experience, by the way. Not about bfing, but my ds was ill all the time for the first 11 years of his life. In and out of doctors offices and emergency rooms and everyone constantly made comments about how I was over protective and somehow the cause of his illnesses. We finally got him diagnosed last year as having Functional Mitochondrial Disease which has been the cause of all his symptoms. Occasionally I feel like saying "I told you so" to the friends and relatives who were critical over the years, but really it's just easier to rejoice in knowing what's wrong with my ds (and having a successful treatment for it). And I'm sure the people who criticized feel bad enough already and perhaps will think twice about doing it again to someone else.

I think that sometimes people get clouded with their beliefs as to what is right and wrong and can actually do more harm than good.

Breastfeeding, religion - good people can become utter arses.

I think she needs to know how little her comments helped, how hurt you were, how rude she was, how lacking in any form of understanding... perhaps one day she might understand, perhaps she never will.

Saying all that, given that you can neither forgive and forget, YABU to allow it to dictate normal everyday family events. Go to all events, be civil, and yes, MOVE ON. She is not the reason you couldn't breastfeed, she was simply a rude ignoramus. I'm afraid I agree with your DP.

Unless she is spitting bile at you every time you meet, you need to just get on with it.

For the sake of all your family.

There's no law that says you have to like her.

Tbh your sil though an ass is an easy target for all of your negative emotions from what was an extremely fraught time. I have had desperate problems bf and have had many comments about not trying hard enough over the years but they wash over me because I did not have the trauma of a child in hospital and pnd to contend with. Yes your sil is an ass but you do need to be able to move on. By the way I got the hang of bf 3 kids in after bottlefeeding the first 2 and it was worth it in the end.

It sounds like you had a lot going on at the time... PND, feeling isolated, plus the breastfeeding issues... and you've taken all your anger and frustration about the whole period and focussed it on your SIL.

After 2 years it's time to move on.

I'm upset about unsuccessful breast feeding 30 years on!

Yes, sounds mad but somehow you feel you failed your LO.

But please reassure yourself OP that there will be times in her life when everything doesn't go well for SIL and her DCs, disappointments with school, bullying, health probs there will definitely be something when she will feel upset and angry at something affecting her pfb. Bide your time and try to ignore her tactless comments, she thinks she has it all sussed but it's just a matter of time.

All else aside, I really don't see why you should stay longer & get a babysitter if you don't want to.

Your husband will know plenty of people there.

Your SIL sounds like an insensitive bitch. But (presumably) she's your dh's sister and will be in your lives regardless. I wouldn't forgive or forget but I would claim the moral high ground and keep the peace.

Oh not this old chestnut again. Sick to the back teeth of all the guilt surrounding bf /bottle.

If you want to/can bf, great. If not, bottle feed. End of. Your baby will be fine either way.

I'd have been quite blunt with the SIL, none of her beeswax.

2 years on and it clearly still bothers you, so could you talk to her about it? You might find she didn't realise how militant she was being, or that time has bellowed her opinion. Not sure if you'd feel comfortable doing this if course. If not you'll just have to try your best to put it behind you.

You aren't really going to support your DH if you leave after the meal has finished. I would stick it out, at weddings you never spend much time with the couple unless you are in the wedding party anyway.

If you want to make the point about how you haven't forgiven or forgotten, her wedding day is not the time to do it.

you really need to have it out with her and get things off your chest (no pun intended) otherwise this will fester on for years and affect your life and relationship eventually. give it a go at telling her how she made you feel, if she did not understand and apologises there may be a slight chance of re-establishing some sort of relationship... don't let it turn you bitter forever, YOU know you did what was best for ds

I can't believe what you have written Smile.

"I suppose some would describe me as a "militant bf'er" but I wouldn't dream of saying such horrible things about someone's choice to ff."

It wasn't her "choice" to ff. that is just going to make OP feel worse. She tried her best, and she chose a healthy baby not a sickly failing to thrive baby in hospital ill.

OP I think you have to forgive and forget. She was an idiot at best, mean at worst. You did an excellent job trying to bf, forgive yourself. Xx

If you really can't stand her already, then I suppose you've not got much to lose by confronting her and explaining how you feel, but only if you think that you might be able to reach an accord with her. In the best case scenario, if she apologises unreservedly, would you actually be able to forgive her and be friendly with her in the future?

Your SIL was insensitive. Very insensitive. You obviously had a really rough time with feeding and those kind of comments are completely unnecessary.

And of course it sticks especially badly in your throat as you suffered with PND and tried extremely hard to continue breastfeeding. (Although actually I believe you did actually breastfeed/express for several months, so you should see yourself as someone who DID breastfeed, even if not for as long as you wished.)

But by feeling so angry, you are allowing this to hurt you on a continuing basis. You can still torture yourself over it.

I would try to let this go. Either you can tell your SIL the full circumstances and let her have the chance to be sympathetic rather than judgemental. Or you can just decide that she was a bit judgey over this one area that she didn't fully understand and try to move on.

Either way, I think that as she is your DH's sister, close or not, it is worth trying to stop feeling so bad about this. I'd go to the wedding and try to enjoy the time with your DH.

Sometimes when someone has really hurt me (without meaning to be malicious) I try to see things from their point of view and understand what might happen if I act as I want to. In this case, I guess your SIL might say something like this:

"Two years ago, I tried to give my brother some advice about breastfeeding as my SIL was struggling. I believe bf is really important and thought she did, so was a bit confused when she moved onto bottles. Anyway, apparently my advice of two years ago upset her so much, she has refused to attend my wedding reception. I don't quite understand what I did."

I think you are perfectly entitled to feel upset with her. But it has been two years already. Don't let this take up any more brain space.

(By the way, I hope this reply comes across as positive about moving on, rather than critical of you. That was what I intended. It sounds like you've had a very hard time and I hope you are enjoying your lovely toddler DS.)

Going to the meal is fine. She probably won't even notice if you go after that. If she does, you couldn't get a sitter. Peasy.
I would still be cross in your position OP.

Does she have children?

Just to recap:

Difficulties with breastfeeding; got help from many supportive experts; persisted for eight weeks; expressed for a further four weeks. In my book, you deserve a gold medal for all of that. You really did do the utmost for your child, and I applaud you for that.

Now you've got the double whammy of a diagnosis that explains the bf issues, and the SiL's wedding next year. I'm not at all surprised that you've been sent back to that awful time when you were trying so very hard, yet your SiL was making completely inappropriate and hurtful comments.

As for her being a militant breastfeeder ? you don't mention whether she has children herself, or how many, but I'd bet if she has then she's either one of those very, very fortunate women who simply needs to shove a nipple in the vague direction of a baby's mouth for a perfect and painfree latch, or she had her babies so long ago that she'd forgotten any difficulties she had. Sometimes, the most militant either don't know what they're talking about, or have selective memories.

I think you should do whatever is easiest for you as regards the wedding. If your SiL was at all a caring person she'd have tried to offer some support to you at a time that was important to you ? so why should you offer her support at her important time?

Ooh god - I hope your not my SIL!

We've been in a rather similar situation, my DB and his girlfriend have a 2 year old and she couldn't feed him for what turned out to physical reasons, not through choice or want of trying. Like you she tried everything and suffered PND partly i think as a result of the stress of trying to breastfeed. Both families have always been very pro breast feeding and I've been fortunate enough not to have any issues myself. I can certainly remember making some (I thought neutral and non judgemental suggestions) when it was discussed with me but I've always felt slightly worried in case it was taken the wrong way. My final opinion when asked by my DB was that she'd obviously tried everything she could and that the most important thing was that if it wasn't going to work she shouldn't let it add to her stress. My SIL is a very private person and I always worried in case I'd not been tactful enough as it is such a sensitive issue. If it were me I'd rather it were brought out in the open so I could apologise for any offence caused. Sometimes militant types don't realise what they are saying! Anyway, I'm not getting married so its probably not me!

I don't know that I'd have been able to forgive that either OP. I was desperate to bf, couldn't do it no matter who I called or saw or how hard I tried, probably had PND undiagnosed ... Eventually (around 6 weeks in) DH went out at 3am, found bottles / formula / steriliser (in a petrol station!) and made the decision for me. I'm grateful he did because I'd lost the plot some time before ... And I still feel guilty about not being able to bf 7 years later. And DS1 doesn't have any other conditions which might explain an inability to bf, so I don't even have that to fall back on. Being unable to feed your own child even though you desperately want to has its own special sort of extreme guilt / despair / anger, it's hard enough to cope with your own self judgment let alone anyone else's.

My family and friends (many of whom fed easily) were nothing but supportive. If anyone had behaved the way your SiL has I honestly don't know how I'd have handled it if at all. I certainly wouldn't be contemplating attending her wedding.